Well, I'm definitely a "nice guy" and I've started reading that book. I have a long way to go. I have hopes that my marriage can be saved but also realize that this is a change for MYSELF no matter what.
That being said, you may have read my thread from yesterday Is it over?
and today I got this email titled "Your impending divorce"...
While youíre busy ignoring me again and trying to label yourself and place blame elsewhere, Iím busy working on finding a stupid process server because I canít HAND you divorce papers to sign. Itís not legal. Therefore, Iím resigned to seeking your cooperation and your genuine SIGNATURE because itís a felony otherwise and even though youíve said you donít want me going to jail, I donít trust you enough to not pursue that. To aid you in your path back to reality, Iíve compiled a lengthy list of GOOD reasons why this marriage contract needs to be dissolved.
To begin with, you have two major character flaws that are unacceptable to me: weakness and dishonesty. Read that sentence again until thereís no doubt in your head about itís truth.
Iíve realized why I always felt something was off with you and that you could possibly be a serial killer. Itís because youíre a shell of a man with nothing really inside. No wants, no needs, no ambitions .
No DESIRES Ė if you truly desired something (for example, anything to do with ME?) you wouldnít be able to ignore it. Yet youíve ignored me and my needs physically and emotionally and you continue to do so.
You tricked me in the beginning, taking the role of a man, taking care of me, opening doors, making sure I was ok, but there was never anything deeper in you. Something was always missing, at first I was waiting for a psycho to come out but nothing did. Nothing deeper came out because youíre hollow and soul-less. No wants, no needs, no backbone. No true desires because true desires canít be ignored. You never desired me or a true relationship.
I always told you to do things for YOU but you could never do that. I told you to do what YOU wanted, you never did. Youíre not a mindreader and you absolutely do NOT please people. You please yourself. You do what YOU think is right, and when that doesnít go right, you appease yourself and MAKE it right with YOURSELF, telling yourself you tried, you did good. It doesnít matter to you what anyone else says or thinks. It doesnít even matter what the truth is to you. You blame everything else. You try to find medical excuses, psychiatric excuses, work excuses. Youíve even blamed me for my own feelings and issues with this relationship.
If you keep telling yourself weíre having relationship problems because of your stupid job, youíre lying to yourself.
If you tell yourself we didnít have sex because youíre broken, youíre lying to yourself.
If you blame your weakness on your parents, youíre lying to yourself.
Whoís to blame for your behavior? If youíre actually trying to find something or someone to blame for your behavior, other than yourself and your choices, youíre being dishonest. Stop lying to yourself.
Your ďdesireĒ for me could never overcome your innate weakness and desire to please your own self. Therefore, weíre brought back to the fact that you never truly desired me or considered how I felt.
Do you wonder how I feel? Do you care? I feel the same way Iíve felt for years. Alone and missing something. So Iíve waited and waited and waited, always waiting for something. Waiting for you to come to me, to show you care. Waiting for you to say something honest.
Waiting for you to follow through. Waiting so much that even waiting 30 seconds for you to get into action is too long. So once again...thanks for ignoring me, but no thanks.
Nothing is important enough to overcome your ďneed to please,Ē except that phrase isnít as nice as it sounds. It pleases no one but yourself. You donít care enough, you donít have enough backbone, enough determination FOR ANYTHING in your life. You have absolutely no ambition and no desire to learn or grow as a person. You never grew into a man either. Iíve told you before that I have two children, I donít need you as third. Youíre weak and canít stand up for yourself. Thatís what makes you pathetic.
Are you just now realizing what you are? Now that the damage is irreparable? Or are you still looking for answers the hard way?
Looking everywhere but right here in front of you.
You were always looking for me to tell you what to do and how to act, and you got frustrated when I wouldnít tell you. You never asked how I felt or tried to understand what was missing. Is that what was like pulling teeth when talking to me? You desparately wanted me to tell you what to do and how to act. And I never told you because YOU DONíT TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO ACT. So you didnít know what to do because I refused to tell you what to do.
Do you realize now that you canít tell people to change? You canít tell your mom to stop drinking, I could never tell you how to be a man.
The reason why I donít WANT anything from you after I do TELL you what to do is because itís not real, itís not honest, and itís not genuine.
Again, tell your mom to stop drinking and she might for a day, but then what? If you told her to and she listened, she stopped for a day, would that make you happy? Did she change? Did she do it herself? Did she genuinely understand what you were saying? Did she alter her lifelong habit because you told her to? Is that what you want?
Your words, your promises, theyíre like your momís, theyíre worthless.
Iím not done but this is getting too long.
---She's told me all of these things before but now that I'm reading No More Mr. Niceguy I realize just how much of a problem this was and is. Any thoughts???