General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Great question. I will answer honestly. No.
I would have seen it as another in a long list of demands she "put upon" me. Resentment on both sides had reached the point that we saw every conversation as an attack. Pride is a fickle b*tch and I saw compromise as weak.
Man if we just could have talked like adults..... If I could have just acted like one.
^^ I think this is where we are heading... So, your answer, while I expected that (and thank you so much for being honest about it), leaves me lost. When I try to talk to him, to tell him how his actions make me feel, he takes it as a personal attack... as me finding fault with everything that he does. That's not my intention, yet I see that's how he's taking it. So I've ceased asking for things, stopped pointing out what he's doing and how wrong it is.
Short of telling him, that I want out of the marriage, I don't know what I can do to make him recognize these things. I fear that that "rock bottom" feeling will be the only thing that will wake him up. I don't want to do that to him, or to us. kwim?
^^ I think this is where we are heading... So, your answer, while I expected that (and thank you so much for being honest about it), leaves me lost. When I try to talk to him, to tell him how his actions make me feel, he takes it as a personal attack... as me finding fault with everything that he does. That's not my intention, yet I see that's how he's taking it. So I've ceased asking for things, stopped pointing out what he's doing and how wrong it is.
Short of telling him, that I want out of the marriage, I don't know what I can do to make him recognize these things. I fear that that "rock bottom" feeling will be the only thing that will wake him up. I don't want to do that to him, or to us. kwim?
Yeah , I get you. You know I really never knew how miserable I was until we actually started talking. I never knew how miserable she was. Comes down to this, sometimes you have to burn it down and rebuild.
She put it to me this way, "We deserve to be happy and we can be".
Yes it takes work but so does being miserable. At least the work spent towards being happy has a reward.
It just might take you telling him that you want out to wake him up. If he is anything like me he will tell you fine hit the road.....then once pride craws back into it's hidey-hole he will actually do some real thinking. ( I hope)
I deleted my original thread on here about my marriage, and now somewhat regret it, so I'm starting over with this sparkly new thread. Originally I had posted in the "Considering Divorce/Separation" section of TAM, but after having been here for a little while now, I realize that this section gets more attention, so I'm moving.
Alas, on with the mundane story of StatusQuo...
Hubby and I have been together for 12 years, married for almost 7. We're both 31 years old. We have two small children (4yrs, and 20months).
I'm posting here because I'm not happy with my marriage. I feel like a roommate rather than a spouse. I'm having trouble connecting with my husband on a deeper level, and I've lost that "loving feeling" towards him.
I can't blame him entirely, as I know it takes two people to make a marriage work. However, he has some faults that are hard for me to overcome, and have caused me to build up resentment towards him over the past five or so years.
1.) He has a volatile temper. When he gets angry, he pounds his fists, punches walls, breaks things, and yells. For the most part, I've learned how to avoid evoking this type of reaction from him, however much of the time lately it's the children (just being kids) that set him off. I walk on eggshells to avoid doing anything that might cause him to erupt.
2.) I see myself as a very low priority to him. After posting here originally, I talked to him. I explained to him what I was feeling, that I wasn't happy, and further explained what I needed from him. This isn't the first time that I've told him these things, and yet he's made no effort to change anything. In his own words, he sees "nothing wrong with the way things are."
3.) He makes life decisions without consulting me. He recently borrowed money from his parents (a somewhat sizeable amount) without ever mentioning it to me until after he purchased the item that he borrowed money for. Granted, it was something that we needed, yet had we had a discussion about it, I would have opted to find another way to finance it. I'm not comfortable with owing his parents money.
4.) There is no affection in our marriage. When I enter a room, he leaves it. If I follow him, he leaves again. On all accounts, it seems like he's avoiding me... The only time he comes near me is when he wants me to put out.
5.) He complains about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Everything in his life is some sort of injustice. It's draining to listen to him talk about his day, or anything else going on in our lives, as he focuses on the negative aspect of everything.
6.) He randomly accuses me of cheating on him. I have NEVER cheated on him. He finds crazy reasons to think that I am, things that make no sense, and uses those as his "proof." Example: I wore jeans to work on a Wednesday = I must have been cheating on him.
Most nights I dread going home from work. I dread having to listen to him b!tch about his day, about what needs to be done around the house, about the way the kids are behaving.
At the advice of others on TAM after my first post, I have sought out IC. I went for 6 weeks (a total of 4 sessions) before the IC person I was seeing told me that I was being emotionally abused by my husband, and then in the next breath told me there was nothing more that she could do for me and that was our last session.
I've set myself up with a new IC, and start seeing her tomorrow.
And there you have it... StatusQuo's status quo, in a nutshell.
It sounds like you both have very poor boundaries. For me there are two categories of boundaries, incoming and outgoing. Incoming is how we let others treat us, outgoing is how we let ourselves treat others.
Your H’s outgoing boundaries are really bad, he is “letting” himself (a lot of his behaviour will be subconscious) treat you in very bad ways.
Your incoming boundaries are terrible because you tolerate the way he treats you. What I mean by tolerate (in case you think you don’t) is that you are still there with him when another woman would have been long gone.
The question is “why” are you still there? If you don’t know then you really do need to find out. In this be BRUTALLY honest with yourself. Make two lists, one the good and the other the bad that you get out of being with him.
Your very poor incoming boundaries, your patience and tolerance of his abusive behaviour, you being the only one willing to change and trying to change are clear indications that you are a codependent.
Your good/bad list will tell you “why” you are a codependent with the man your H is. That is, why you are tolerating his abusive behaviour such that you stay with him such that you get what you feel you so desperately need from him?
I’d recommend you find out about codependency and find out about healthy boundaries. Also read Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books, you have a reasonable level of awareness which is clear in your writing, the book will take you to a much higher plane.
Your H wont budge an inch until he is in FEAR of loss. Divorce papers can inject that sort of fear into him but ONLY if he values you and constant contact with his children. Until he has that fear of loss and is driven to change himself it’s totally pointless recommending any books or whatever for him.
I would ignore him. If he throws a tantrum, leave. If he breaks something, don't clean it up. He broke it, he cleans it. Change the way you would normally react to him and react in a total different way. He won't expect this and it will throw him off balance. If he asks you why you are acting this way tell him this is how you act when you are being disrespected.
If you are afraid of his violence then don't do the above. Find a way to leave until he has a couple of anger management therapy sessions under his belt.
He's going to need therapy no matter what.
Something's gotta give.
As has been said, you cannot change him but you can change the way you react to him. Work on making yourself immune to his manipulative controlling tactics. You'll feel better for it.
Have you tried positive thinking/affirmations. I say this coz I think you'll need to strengthen yourself. Not saying you are weak as such, but with all you are going through you need to be able to fortify yourself on his bad days and so that you do not cave and go back to acting the way you have previously been acting i.e. walking on eggshells / accepting (albeit reluctantly) his behaviour.
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Re: StatusQuo's status quo... 
no more silent treatment for me
