OK I have posted previously on here about my situation. I am 38 and have been married for 7 years, been together for 8. I have 2 children, and he has 3 children from previous relationships. When I met my husband we did everything together. He said he would do anything he could to take care of me and my kids. Well he did until about 3 years ago, that is when everything went down hill. We have not been intimate or had any sex in 3 years now. I feel as if I have falling out of live with him, and really do not care to be intimate with him ever again.
To give the just of it, I had a long conversation with him about what was bothering me from how he is to me right down to the sex and other things. He promised he would do what ever he needed to in order to save his marriage. Well he did go with half of it for about 3 maybe 4 months now. I know it takes time to change or work on things, but when you know what they are and start and then revert back, then that is not trying anymore. I have given him hints that he is not trying and reverting back, and then things change for a week or so. As for the sex, that still has not happened. I know you are thinking that I should try to initiate it, but this is something I have tried and he blows it off like it is nothing. The sex is not a big deal anymore like most other things.
I know talking is good but I know he is set in his ways, and just will not change but for only a few months.
He works 2 jobs in which he was working when I met him. I have been out of work for a few years now but am in college to get my Associates Degree. My daughter is the only kid living at home, she is 18. She never asks for anything besides the normal like maybe a certain cereal or drink. She is very good at excepting most things. HE pays he car insurance for her which is about $120.00 a month. Now we have another house we rent out for income. One of the tenants that is a friend of his is living in one of the apratments. He is behind on the rent by at least a month. My daughter is trying to find a job but my husband stated to me he is not paying it for her anymore because she is not trying hard enough, but will allow his ffriend to be behind on rent and he doesn't do anything about it, and I am not allowed to say anything. This is just a touch of all the things that go on.
I run errands all day, and take care of everything at home from cleaning to yard work, mowing, laundry, dishes, take care of the animals, run his errands, take care of my kid, make his calls for him, run my own errands, and do my school work as well. He goes to work comes home and does NOTHING at all. I mean NOTHING. He takes his shirt off and leaves it where ever he chooses. I mean he is a man and I know how they are but he even complains when he has to take out the garabage.
I have been so irritated and disgusted with him. I do love him but know I am not in love with him anymore. My problem is I am not financially stable to leave, and his dad is in bad shape and feel bad walking away now..
Anyone have any advice as to what I can do that I have not tried already?????
Just wanted to add that I talked to him about EVERYTHING that we had problems with, and he agreed to work on them. I was willing to give it time, and be understanding that it would take time. There is a lot more things that have gone on than I have stated. Willing to give more insight if need be.
Are you sure he doesn't resent that your not working anymore? It's hard for most men to take care of someone elses children and now he's doing it alone while your going to school. He may feel a bit duped. I'm not saying he's justified but it seems obvious to me. Also going without sex for three years is highly unusual for healthy men. Are you sure there isn't someone else or you haven't been replaced with mass quantities of porn?
I'd be looking for work #1. Finances wouldn't be a reason for me to stay living that way.
What's going on with his dad may be unfortunate, and you care, but your marriage and the state of it comes first.
You've talked to him, he changes for a while, then things go back to the way they were. Time to take more drastic action than just talking IMO. Actions and not words are what a man generally responds to.
No sex for 3 years? How have you managed that? I imagine he either has someone else, or as mentioned has a huge porn addiction going. After the 1st 6 months you should have done something drastic. Counseling, seperation... something.
No sex for 3 years?? Wow. Yeah, there's either a woman on the side or a serious porn stash somewhere. Or, maybe he's got ED and is afraid to address it. Or maybe (and this might hurt but it's not intended to) he's just no longer interested.
Try asking him to see what he says. Then go from there. It's good that you've had patience so far and are willing to continue to be patient. But I'm learning that patience grows thin after a while. So you might have to come to some unpleasant realizations.
Get your financial state together as soon as you can so that you can stand on your own feet if you need to.
I know he doesn't have a porn addiction because he is rarely home because he is working, and when he is home, he is sleeping. As for ED there is no issue there I know for sure. I am not sure about someone else because he doesn't even have time for me, and his family let alone someone else, but stranger things have happened right.
As for the not working issue, this is something we addressed, and he was the one that wanted me to stay home and take care of things here. I am not sure if he is regretting the decision or not. I told him that I wanted to go to school and get my degree. He told me to go for it that he would support me, and that I should wait to go back to work until I finish school.
I am confused because I have addressed all these issues a lot with him. As for the sex part, I have managed because I knew he was tired with all he works but then when I did ask him about it he gave me the lame excuse that he didn't think I wanted to. I told him that I did want it but he was always sleeping when he was not working. I know that I can initiate it but he goes to bed, and all thoughts of it just go away because I have mentioned it but he goes to bed. I get pissed, and have no bothered with it lately. I told him everything that was bothering me and he stated he would do what ever it took to save his marriage but it seems he isn't trying at all. Just enough to satisfy me for a few months and that it is right back to the same **** again.
I have another thread on here that tells more about my story with him and things that have happened. Check it out because it might give you more insight on everything that has gone on with us.
It seems he is running out of emotional energy steam when he tries to respond to your needs.
It is clear he responds to the negative motivation of loosing his marriage. However this negative motivation only gets him so far. I would suggest that he lacks the positive motivation.
Even though you spend a lot of time and energy showing love to him many women are surprised to find that they are meeting their partner's emotional needs only partially.
The situation may be closer to the classic respect and love paradox. Love is given respect needs to be earned, but respect is a core need for a man and without respect he runs out of the emotional steam needed to gain respect. Conversely he gives you respect but love needs to be earned. But you need to feel loved in order to act more respectful.
Take a look at this short breakdown of the general needs of mend and women and see how his are being met.
"He commits sufficient time and energy to the moral and educational development of his children. He reads to them, engages in sports with them, and takes them on frequent outings." "He recognizes that his care of the children is critically important to her." "He sets aside time every day to talk to her." "He is never too busy to just talk.” "He hugs and kisses her often, creating an environment of affection that clearly and repeatedly expresses his love for her. “Her husband tells her that he loves her with words, cards, flowers, gifts and common courtesies. He does not proceed with any plan of training or discipline without her approval.
These are all the things that he never does and more on the list as well. I however, Do all that the woman is supposed to but with out reconginition. That list just made me realize just what is wrong in my marriage. I could use more insight if you or anyone else has any.
Ok so today was another pissed off day for me. My husband was home all day, and I asked him to help me pick some stuff up in the yard so I could finish mowing the lawn ( something he never does EVER). He looks at me and says why don't you get your daughter and her friend to help. I stated I was not implying it toward them, and his statement was, " yeah I kinda figure that". Now here is a guy that literally does NOTHING around the house EVER. I don't ask him to do anything most of the time, and I even do the garbage all the time as well, (isn't that supposed to be a mans job anyways). He *****es about doing the garbage or even helping me. Not to mention it was 90 degrees out and hazy hot and humid. It is like he never puts me first ever, unless he wants me to pay a bill or go do errands and then he is all about me.
I am so confused, and think I need to make some changes before I loss my freaking mind.
I honestly don't know why I am still here. I guess I thought i should work on my marriage and not just walk away at the first sign of a problem. I know it has become more now that what it started out to be. Maybe part of the reason I have not run away from this all is because I feel like no one else will want me anyway. I have a low self esteem. I have an auto immune thyroid deficiency which has caused me to gain weight over the years and not be able to loss it. I do not feel attractive, and no thanks to my husband because he doesn't seem to want to touch me either. I know these are no excuse for me being treated so unfairly. I guess part of me is scared to run away. I don't really know why I am still here and have not run as of this point.