General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I told my friend that I would post a letter her husband of 6 1/2 years gave her. They have been fighting a lot lately and are kind of going through separation. I told her that this site has helped me figuring my self out and she said go ahead and post it. So here it is....
Since our Daughter ***** was born, there never has been a 100% honest effort to keep happy and to keep love alive. No constant bedtime for the kids to allow for alone time every night. no consistent alone, just us dates, and holidays, getaways. Turning off technology. Church. Praying (families/spouses that pray together stay together). Communicating effectively. Us being recognized as a couple. Being positive, optimistic. also a whole whack of things (mentioned below) that have kept us from being happy and standing in the way of keeping Our Love from thriving.
I am going to put into Our Marriage a honest 100% effort once and for all. Putting Family and Love first, getting rid of all the negative talk including OMG/FML, thoughts, opinions, instant gratification, and the all about me attitude. I will Realize what independence is and that We can be independent in Our Marriage (not equally independent but equally interdependent, bringing 100% of Our best to the table). I will strive to be positive, and change my attitude, communicate the way We learned in Counselling. Provide You with loving touch, kind words, be more romantic and increase Our intimacy level. I will show You love in and out of public, and appreciate You more. I would hope that You will drastically cut the amount You use your sex toys by your self (masturbation), and begin to let us use them together (as I feel that the amount you use them takes away from us making love as you have, most usually, satisfied your self. Also using your toys together I feel would enhance our sex life ans leave you happy). Please get rid of the separation encouragement (stuff at Dad's house and living out of bags at our home) and cancel the need for court mediation. Lets set a constant bed time for Our Kids to make way for alone time for Us every night (with no internet devices). Lets have a consistent date night with just the two of Us (with no internet devices). We should have fun, continuing on with Our entertainment plans. Lets not run off like what happens to much. I hope You will stop all dates, being alone with, or giving/receiving contact to/from all/any men, as I feel that this activity is called dating and if nothing else can open you up to temptation (except your family members) and stop associating with people that do not like Us and do not honor, respect, support, and approve of Our Marriage. I will be 100% honest (hurt/white lies are OK). I will come home home on time, and keep You informed along my way. I will come home to You every night. I will call you to say hi, see how you are doing and tell you I Love You a few times daily. We should start to save Our income in Our account, create and stick to Our budget, and not take from Us to help others while we can not afford it. I feel We should stop going Skating on Saturdays and do something else that gets Our Family home sooner than 1245am-300am preventing Us from attending Church at a few hours later at 9am . Lets go on Fridays so that We can have regular Church attendance as a Family. Praying would be a nice addition to Our lives, as would FHE (Family Home Evening once a week). I would request that when I pick up/notice things, that You please don't make excuses and lie to me, just tell me the real issue or problem (and just then may not be the best time, setting, or set up to have the discussion). Lets have back Our no secrecy policy, and act and talk like We are Married in public and on the internet both when by ourselves and when We are together. Lets get back to having no alcohol in Our life. Lets set good examples in everything We do, make plans through consulting with each other, and feed off each others strengths. I will say things nicely and at the right time. I realize that *****, *****, and You are my Family and You guys come first. I will include You guys in when I'm doing things with my extended Family. I will make every effort to attend your Family's activities/plans/events rather than opting out and doing something else. I will recognize the blessings, happiness, benefits, and goodness that come with Our Marriage. I have told everyone not to call me or expect a call from me after 8:45pm. so that phone calls can be ended by 9pm as Our Kids will hopefully in bed and we can be alone. I would like to be invited to Where you always run off to (Kelowna, BC, Canada), and everywhere else that is not a Laddies only activity. I will start hanging around more Married couples, display photos of my Extended Family, and will accept and put in place all counselling advice and Marriage tips that I hear. I will read Our counselling Help books, watch Our help DVDs, and listen to Our help CDs. I will use non controlling talk, and will not talk/get opinions about Our Marriage from everyone. I feel that We should not swear, fight, or argue anymore.
I would hope that You could implement the same into your attempt in trying to save Our Marriage.
__________________________________________________ _
This breaks down to:
Honesty (white lies are OK). No secrecy. Positive talk (kind/calm words), thoughts (non separation), touch, acts (in and out of public and on the web), and attitude. Putting Our Family and Love first.
Trust. Rely on each other. Communicate the way We learned. No alcohol. Have more Married people than non Married people in Our Family's life. Set good examples in all that We do. No swearing or fighting.
Honor. Respect. Encourage. Support. Stuff back in this home. Facebook repaired. Passwords known. Budget and save. Joint bank accounts. Put off helping others until We can eventually afford to.
Phones, iPod, keys, wallet left accessible. Phones and iPod turned off while at home. No phone calls after 9:00pm. Updates and consideration while out. Recognize only the good things in each other and Our Marriage.
No alone time, alone communication, and activities with any member of the opposite sex. Recognize and understand Individualism and Independence in a Marriage. Make and follow through on Our plans.
Kids bed time creating Our nightly alone time. Our date night. Our Family night. Church. Praying. Friday skating. Hang out with Our in-Laws. Home every night within reason. Including each other in our plans.
Feed off each others strengths. Read, acknowledge, and put into place all info from Help Books, DVDs, CDs, and the people that truly want Us to Work. Arrange Our Home to be more Us friendly.
See controlling for something more positive and get rid of the true controlling behavior. Stop talking negatively about Me and Our Marriage to others and seeking advice from others.
Provide each other with loving touch, kind words, and be more romantic and increase Our intimacy level. drastically cut the amount You use your sex toys by your self and not with Us (masturbation).
Well, he's spelled everything out pretty much. And given her a blueprint to the kind of life he wants to live. Does she have a problem with this? It kind of sounds like she's been dating other men from the letter. Has she?
From one or two things he stated, it sounds like he's had a problem being controlling.......and he still is. This all sounds great on paper, but it's something a married couple decide together, not dictated by one.
The white lies - are likely in reference to some area or short list of areas where one or both of them are overly sensitive.
That schedule sure seems very structured. Maybe in the wake of cheating by one or both of them, a more defined schedule is good. But - what I dislike about it is he has them locked in the bedroom by 9 every night. Now THAT is a scary notion for the low "desire" spouse. And they have a serious issue - her drive is just fine. Her desire for him isn't.
The "controlling" behavior needs to be addressed directly - he skimmed over that bit. Wonder why?
He should be asking her to pick a couple nights during the week for the two of them to do something she wants. No way does she want - locked in bedroom 6 nights a week with him.
UOTE=River1977;958917]From one or two things he stated, it sounds like he's had a problem being controlling.......and he still is. This all sounds great on paper, but it's something a married couple decide together, not dictated by one.
And what's with the white lies stuff?[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
Well, he's spelled everything out pretty much. And given her a blueprint to the kind of life he wants to live. Does she have a problem with this? It kind of sounds like she's been dating other men from the letter. Has she?
No she has not. But there he has a issue with her going out alone with male friends. and messaging/texting her male friends. he feels it opens things up to temptation.
No she has not. But there he has a issue with her going out alone with male friends. and messaging/texting her male friends. he feels it opens things up to temptation.
How often does she do this? Does she let her husband see what she says to her male freinds?
The white lies - are likely in reference to some area or short list of areas where one or both of them are overly sensitive.
That schedule sure seems very structured. Maybe in the wake of cheating by one or both of them, a more defined schedule is good. But - what I dislike about it is he has them locked in the bedroom by 9 every night. Now THAT is a scary notion for the low "desire" spouse. And they have a serious issue - her drive is just fine. Her desire for him isn't.
The "controlling" behavior needs to be addressed directly - he skimmed over that bit. Wonder why?
He should be asking her to pick a couple nights during the week for the two of them to do something she wants. No way does she want - locked in bedroom 6 nights a week with him.
He did not say that he wanted her locked in the bedroom with him by 9 every night.
He wants them to have alone time nightly after 9pm. That's very different. There is really nothing wrong with that.
He did not say that he wanted her locked in the bedroom with him by 9 every night.
He wants them to have alone time nightly after 9pm. That's very different. There is really nothing wrong with that.
no she goes out almost weekly and they go out with friends or each other a minimum of 2 times a week so they don't spend every night locked in a room from 9pm on.
As for controlling... She feels that he has been controlling. and that this letter he gave her is a good example.
She says that they would watch a movie, mess around, He would massage her feet or scratch her back, have a bath together, read, play crib/games, do things around the house , play pool or fooseball in the basement, and do whatever not even together. one might be folding laundry while the other is watching csi etc.
Whatever good points and intentions this guy may have, I think he has drowned them in his presentation. Way too much stuff to expect anyone to read and digest it all
no she goes out almost weekly and they go out with friends or each other a minimum of 2 times a week so they don't spend every night locked in a room from 9pm on.
As for controlling... She feels that he has been controlling. and that this letter he gave her is a good example.
She says that they would watch a movie, mess around, He would massage her feet or scratch her back, have a bath together, read, play crib/games, do things around the house , play pool or fooseball in the basement, and do whatever not even together. one might be folding laundry while the other is watching csi etc.
What is controlling about what is described in the last paragraph?
No she has not. But there he has a issue with her going out alone with male friends. and messaging/texting her male friends. he feels it opens things up to temptation.
I found this thread when I searched for threads started by the Op.
The Op seems to feel the need to disguise her posts, and hide the fact that they are really about her, she goes out of her way to do this, not only on this thread but her one other thread. It's just plain weird, not to mention deceiving to people who read and respond to her posts and it says a lot about the type of person she is.
Op- as I said on your other thread, your actions in regard to hiding text messages and keeping other personal matters secret from your husband, while continuing to spend alone time with other men is completely inappropriate, and I understand your husbands concerns and his letter makes it clear that he really wants to try to work on things, while all you seem to care about is that your privacy is being invaded while you go around defending your secret friendships with one or more guys who are just a bit too involved in your life.
If I was your husband, I wouldn't have written that letter, I would have handed you divorce papers instead.
Interesting that you didn't mention on your other thread that you're having major problems in the marriage, you've had court ordered mediation, you live out of bags at your house and your father is strongly encouraging you to separate.
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What are your thoughts? 
