BOYFRIEND vs CAREER which would YOU choose ?

christeeanna · 08-03-2012, 08:57 AM

Do I move for my job and lose my relationship or hang in ?:scratchhead
I need some outside perspective.

I have been involved with my current boyfriend or 3 years now/living together or 2 years.
I raised four children who are now all off and living away at college and am for the first time free to pursue my career. I never made much money while my children were growing up but have recently gotten into a unique field where I can make double what I have made in the past. This involves moving because my field is very specialized but the companies who employ my skills are out on the west coast and the companies that I am interviewing with are willing to pay for my move. My boyfriend and I live in my home on the east coast.

When we dated for the first 2 years I was going through all kinds of education and certification training and he was very supportive and he told me that if I got a high paying job that he would move with me, quit his job and work at walmart/sears hardware etc until he found permanent employment. Well I got that great job and I moved back in October 2011. I was making enough money to support us both. I lived across the continent for 3 months working at a great job and all he did was start hemming and hawing about moving. He stayed living in my home back on the east coast. He said he was looking for a job where I was working but did not find anything and he eventually talked me into quitting and moving back home.

His point was that the house is paid for and he now points out to me that it is foolish to sell the house and move because it is affordable for him to pay the bills here. Yet I cannot find a job here making more than 12 or 13 dollars per hour. Nor do I have medical insurance. Because I don’t have any health issues this is not normally a problem. But I broke my foot a month and a half ago. I only had enough money to go to a walk in clinic and get an xray when I really should have gone to the emergency room because my foot was twice the normal size and purple. I now can’t even walk on it still and don’t have the money to go to an orthopeadic doctor. So this now brings my lack of insurance to a brighter light as being a problem. It is really pissing me off and makes me want to get a serious job. My boyfriend tells me to go work at walmart and get benefits. I think he has lost it. He does not want to get married now because he says all I do is fight with him over this. The argument is this, “Why did I move back here thinking we were going to get married and I would be covered under his medical insurance and now he says hold on and we should wait until we get along better before we get married because I am pissed and fight with him over why I made the move back home and now don’t have medical insurance. “ It is probably wise not to get married anyway because then he could just divorce me if I move and he would own half my home.
Don’t get me wrong. I have really loved our relationship for the past 3 years. He has been the most supportive and well intended guy ever. We were committed to eachother not out cheating or anything like that. I have never met anyone like him. He is so supportive of everything I want to do except now he does not want to move for my job. And besides this issue we get along great. I am a little obsessed with staying with my career track because I worked for 3 years after going to graduate school to get to this point. And I love my career.
I now realize that he does not think about what he says. It is like talking to a dreamer. He talks things “UP” but does not back them up.
I did not like moving and living alone on the other side of the world. I was very unhappy living with out my boyfriend for 3 months. I think it would have been different if I had moved with the mind set that I was going to go out socially and date etc. but I did not do that I just sat around waiting for him to move and join me. I am not a young socialite anymore. I am in my fourties and have raised four children. I am not really in the mode to go and develop a wildly active social life.
I would like advice from someone who has moved later in life and started over socially and dating wise. How does someone do this. I am wondering if I can make the move far away and be happy if I do go out socially and join clubs group etc and meet people. I think my boyfriend here has decided that he cant deal with my world wide job search and he is now mentioning that we should break up.
Constructive advice would be helpful. I am not looking to bash the boyfriend because I realize he just cant’ handle this.

Hicks · 08-03-2012, 09:06 AM

You need medical insurance. In the USA you get that through work or marriage. You learned what happens when you don't have insurance. What if the next thing you get is cancer?

Men are plentful, jobs are not. And you say not to bash your boyfriend, but he seems to lack ambition... Men who lack ambition are not husband material.

I think your decision is super easy from what you have described.

Sbrown · 08-03-2012, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christeeanna

Do I move for my job and lose my relationship or hang in ?:scratchhead
I need some outside perspective.

I have been involved with my current boyfriend or 3 years now/living together or 2 years.
I raised four children who are now all off and living away at college and am for the first time free to pursue my career. I never made much money while my children were growing up but have recently gotten into a unique field where I can make double what I have made in the past. This involves moving because my field is very specialized but the companies who employ my skills are out on the west coast and the companies that I am interviewing with are willing to pay for my move. My boyfriend and I live in my home on the east coast.

When we dated for the first 2 years I was going through all kinds of education and certification training and he was very supportive and he told me that if I got a high paying job that he would move with me, quit his job and work at walmart/sears hardware etc until he found permanent employment. Well I got that great job and I moved back in October 2011. I was making enough money to support us both. I lived across the continent for 3 months working at a great job and all he did was start hemming and hawing about moving. He stayed living in my home back on the east coast. He said he was looking for a job where I was working but did not find anything and he eventually talked me into quitting and moving back home.

His point was that the house is paid for and he now points out to me that it is foolish to sell the house and move because it is affordable for him to pay the bills here. Yet I cannot find a job here making more than 12 or 13 dollars per hour. Nor do I have medical insurance. Because I don’t have any health issues this is not normally a problem. But I broke my foot a month and a half ago. I only had enough money to go to a walk in clinic and get an xray when I really should have gone to the emergency room because my foot was twice the normal size and purple. I now can’t even walk on it still and don’t have the money to go to an orthopeadic doctor. So this now brings my lack of insurance to a brighter light as being a problem. It is really pissing me off and makes me want to get a serious job. My boyfriend tells me to go work at walmart and get benefits. I think he has lost it. He does not want to get married now because he says all I do is fight with him over this. The argument is this, “Why did I move back here thinking we were going to get married and I would be covered under his medical insurance and now he says hold on and we should wait until we get along better before we get married because I am pissed and fight with him over why I made the move back home and now don’t have medical insurance. “ It is probably wise not to get married anyway because then he could just divorce me if I move and he would own half my home.
Don’t get me wrong. I have really loved our relationship for the past 3 years. He has been the most supportive and well intended guy ever. We were committed to eachother not out cheating or anything like that. I have never met anyone like him. He is so supportive of everything I want to do except now he does not want to move for my job. And besides this issue we get along great. I am a little obsessed with staying with my career track because I worked for 3 years after going to graduate school to get to this point. And I love my career.
I now realize that he does not think about what he says. It is like talking to a dreamer. He talks things “UP” but does not back them up.
I did not like moving and living alone on the other side of the world. I was very unhappy living with out my boyfriend for 3 months. I think it would have been different if I had moved with the mind set that I was going to go out socially and date etc. but I did not do that I just sat around waiting for him to move and join me. I am not a young socialite anymore. I am in my fourties and have raised four children. I am not really in the mode to go and develop a wildly active social life.
I would like advice from someone who has moved later in life and started over socially and dating wise. How does someone do this. I am wondering if I can make the move far away and be happy if I do go out socially and join clubs group etc and meet people. I think my boyfriend here has decided that he cant deal with my world wide job search and he is now mentioning that we should break up.
Constructive advice would be helpful. I am not looking to bash the boyfriend because I realize he just cant’ handle this.

If he can't handle this tiny bump in the road, what is he going to do when the hard stuff comes? Dump him and move! If you don't you WILL kick yourself later, and most likely resent his very existence! He told you he would follow you across the country but he LIED. It is time to live for YOU!

Mavash. · 08-03-2012, 09:17 AM

My advice is simple. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Trust that someone as together as you will have no problem meeting new people. Focus on this exciting new chapter of your life and try not to worry so much.

southern wife · 08-03-2012, 09:23 AM

I agree with Mavash. Get that awesome job and move if you must. It sounds like it's his issue to deal with, and if he wants to break things off, so be it. There are plenty of men out there. It's your house and YOU decide what to do with it. It sounds like he had it nice for a while, so it will be his loss. You will make new friends, and eventually a new love will cross your path.

Be patient and enjoy life.

Sorry about your foot!

Nicole01 · 08-03-2012, 09:35 AM

Every situation is unique. It sounds like your bf does not have a stable career and is using you for a roof over your head. I don't know if it's true or not, but it sure looks this way.

I'd go for the job and look for a more stable man. I was in your shoes 13 years ago. The man I was dating was stable with a great career. I was working very hard to achieve my own career. I did choose the man over my career. It was a smart choice because he is the man of my dreams. We have beautiful children together and I stay home to take care of the children. My husband works very hard for us and I really appreciate it.

I hate to say this, but if my husband did not have the ambition as I did wanting a stable life for my children, I would of ended the relationship. Previously I was in a marriage where I was the breadwinner. My ex was very not ambitious at all. Plus he was very selfish amongst other things. I learned a very good lesson with that marriage.

Good luck! Like others said, there are many more men out there. This economy is very hard. Take the job with the health benifits.

southern wife · 08-03-2012, 09:38 AM

Let no man tie you down, unless you're into it...................not that there's anything wrong with it.

Just sayin'

EleGirl · 08-03-2012, 10:01 AM

I agree with the others. Make the move.

It can be very expensive to live on the West Coast. Is your expected income enough to live as well there as you do where you live now?

For example I have a brother who lives in the Los Angeles area. He as a two bedroom apartment that he pays $1600 a month for + utilities. That same apartment here in Albuquerque would be $800 a month. He makes more in the LA area, but it's all consumed in the higher cost of living. Everything to include food, utilities, gas, etc is more expensive there.

BUT health insurance. It's sooo important as you have seen. It's almost like your injured foot was a warning of what is to come. A warning that you need health insurance.

Sure you can work at Walmart to get insurance. But do you really want to hang your health and wellbeing on one employer? Frist you would need to be hired by them. Then what would happen if they let you go for some reason.

You are not a young kid. You do not have a lot of chances left for you to build a career that will support you and give you the benefits you need.

Your relationship is not going well right now. I wonder if it could ever be solid as he seems to not want to be in the position of taking any responsibility for your needs. One of the benefits of marriage are shared health insurance, etc. So that when one person is having trouble with jobs, etc. the other is there to help them. Second marriages have a 70% fail rate. The fail rate goes up from there the more times a person has been married.

You can meet new people when you move. Go to Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup and look for groups in the area where you want to move. It will not be hard to meet new friends, both male and female. Sites like this exist because people in general need way to make friends. You will hardly be the only person in your new area looking to establish a new social life.

Take care of yourself.

Cre8ify · 08-03-2012, 10:35 AM

When I bump up against these type of decisions I reread an old, yellowed article from 1985 which I keep in my desk drawer. Here is an online link to it.

http://writemypersonalad.com/best-advice-about-life/

"Be bold--and mighty forces will come to your aid."

Good luck!

Unsure in Seattle · 08-03-2012, 10:47 AM

It's "possibly unpopular but too bad" opinion day here at Unsure Towers, so here goes.

Your first allegiance has to be to yourself. The boyfriend may come and go, but an exciting career is something that could (potentially) alter your life.

Enginerd · 08-03-2012, 05:35 PM

No marriage on the table? He doesn't work? This is easy. Make the move but don't sell your house in case your job falls through. Rent it for a while so you can retreat if you have to. Have you looked at housing cost on the West coast? Not sure where you going to work but it can be very expensive and it sounded like you were going to make $50K-$60K per year. That's not much in most West Coast cities.

Good Luck