sathi

hi everyone...am so hurt...have a life changing exam in 15 days and not able to study bcoz of all these probs i have...
married since 3 years...we r from india and we had to really struggle before we tied the knot...we had 2 years long distance relationship..he moved to usa for better career options and i stayed back....and then i came down to usa after 2 years after we got married....it was just few days after i moved in ...and i got some message on his comp in which there were mails which he had written to escort services...asking how much do they cost...there were three mails..all cut and pasted...i was shocked...and when i confronted him..all he said was i was just curious as how all these works in this country and just mailed...and he swore that he never had sex with anyone else....
well..i gave himt he benefit of doubt and carried on..he was very supportive ...comforting me when i had doubts...three years passed by and there has been no issues with any trust things..he has been very nice to me...and he hasn't doen anything which is hurtful to our relationship...
but we have tumulous life with many hardships regarding both of careers and financial issues..we have argued so much and said mnay things which are hurtful....and his parents aren't supportive at all and they did cause some havocs when they visited us.He has always been supportive of me no matter what and he supports me to the core regarding every failures in my life and he supports me financially.He is very generous with most of the things...
But when we fight...it reaches to heights and he has many times mentioned that he wants to divorce me...but with in few hrs he will apologize and he says he never meant what he said...i have talked with him n no of times abt why he uses that as a defense and he says i don't know whjat i talk in anger...
lately he swore twice and i told him how disrespectful i feel and he said he will not do it anymore...lets see i don't trust him...
Recently there was a bachelors party of one of our common frds and they all went to strip club and i was ok to send him as other frds were all ok with their hubby going...when my hubby came home i was curious about what they do their(as all these aren't common in india)and he said it was really nice and when i asked if he liiked lap dance he said he wudn't miind if i am comfortable with it....since then again all my insecurities have creeped in.
And just couple of days back we took a questinnaire abt couple and when we scored pretty good and in 2 qs he has answered that he loves me a lot(he didn't choose the very much option)and how attracted are you to your spouse ..he answered quite atracted(not the very much option)...this has bummed out...i feel so insecure and hurt and i feel everything has lost in our marriage...we have been through alot for our age and i thought we love each other very very much but he just said lot and i thought we should be attracted very much to each other ...but he just said quite.....
i have forgiven for all the previous issues thinking that he loves me in and out and no matter what he will love me and attracted to me(have tried so many things just to please him)but now i feel all is just a big compromise....
i feel we lack passion to continue..
i just feel like leaving him alone...as i feel he doesn't realise the importance of me....
ii am so overwhelmed thinking abt his answers and i feel that there is nothing i can do anymore...i seriously feel less appreciated...i have completely shut down myself since 2 days and feel very lonely as i have no family and friends with whom i can and talk and since i haqve my exam i am not able to concentrate....i am so pathetic....i don't want to talk to him much..but he has been very concerned qabout my sadness....and he is trying very hard to make me smile...
well idid askk him abt his ansers and he said those r just words....u are too romantic and too idealistic so what ever it is u find it pretty hard to make you happy...
what should i think?????????????
am i being unreasonable...i am so upset with all these...help me...please advice ...

tater03

After reading over your post I will be honest and say that it seems to be that you are looking at all the negative things more then you are the positive. Not to discount the negative but if you constantly focus on them you tend to forget the positives. That being said I really think that you need to sit down and try to make him understand where you are coming from in that some of his actions and words really hurt you. Good luck to you and on your exams.

greenbaglady

I get the feeling that your relationship is solid. It might feel rocky sometimes sathi but from your message I get the feeling that your husband deep down does have a lot of respect for you and cares very much about you, he likes to take care of you and make sure your safe and secure. I think that he uses the D word just in anger and frustration its just a threat--if he really meant it then he'd have done it by now and he would have a good reason for it, obviously he hasn't. So don't get down on yourself when he says that--try to just let it roll off your back and not listen to that.
The bit about the escorts tho, could it be that he's bored? Is there time in your relationship to be intimate with him? Maybe that's all he needs is reassurance that you're interested in him. Could your school work be getting in the way and hes finding ways to get your attention? I mean dont take that as stop doing your college work but is there a way that after your done with class or homework you can cuddle on the couch and watch a dvd with him? or go out for a meal once a week to rekindle things?
I really do wish you all the best.

kajira

Men and woman can look at the same thing and see two different things. What may be very important to you, is not to him. Sometimes actions are better than words.........

draconis

I have to agree with greenbaglady. One comment I'd make is to let him know that the divorce talk isn't welcome.

draconis

Explizite

One thing may appear in two different ways to each of you. Try discussing the matter more specifically.

deb4953

When to talk to each other, make sure you understand each other. Try to have a heart-to-heart talk where you can open up to each other.