General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am in some desperate need of help and sadly have only been married for a short 2 weeks. Before we got married my husband was a very loving, kind, gentleman. He would put my feelings first, always asking how my day was, if he could get me something, etc. He would open the car door for me. He would make me dinner, on occasion. He would lovingly hug me from behind and couldn't keep his hands off of me before we were married.
The wedding day and wedding night were wonderful. He was the man I knew I wanted to marry and I was incredibly happy to know he is my husband. We had been dating for 3 years before we got married and he had always been a wonderful man. The next day after our wedding, he switched. We went on our honeymoon Sunday evening and he complained the whole way to the airport. He yelled at me when we got to our destination when I wasn't sure on the directions to our hotel. He never yelled at me previously, would not raise his voice to me and we used to talk things through.
The rest of the honeymoon week, he acted selfish. He would flip on the tv and watch sports, plan the day how he wanted it, doing whatever he wanted to do. I felt like I had to beg him for sex, which felt horrible. I couldn't and still can't understand why he no longer wants me. I had to initiate sex the whole week, except for one night when he did. He told me he doesn't want our relationship to be defined by sex. That was fine before we were married, but we were on our honeymoon!! I would assume most couples have sex often on their honeymoon, as they are newlyweds. We had moments of happiness together, but I felt mostly unwanted and unloved.
The following week(this week) was more of the same. He has just started a new job, so I have tried to be supportive. I wake up early along with him and make him breakfast. I clean the apartment, do dishes, cook, etc. I do errands for him, buying our groceries, buying him another 2 work shirts, returning the duplicate wedding gifts, and getting odds and ends that we need. The first night back, he asks me for sex. But the way he said it was that he wanted to have sex because "it can help him sleep better" not because he loves me. I gave in anyways. The following night I gave him a massage because he was a little stressed out from the new job. And then he rolls over and goes to sleep. Wednesday he stays up late doing things for work and avoids me altogether. Thursday, I beg him for some us time because I feel like his roommate instead of his wife and he obliges. It was the only good night of the week, even though I had to complain about everything for him to do it.
Then it comes to today. I've been sick all afternoon and evening with having to go to the restroom every so often(I'm trying not to go into detail) and just felt really blah. My husband and I were supposed to go for an errand after he got home and then off to a relatives, but I was laying on the couch in pain/sick. He walks and tells me to get up, lets go. I tell him I don't feel well. He gives me a dirty look and asks what the hell is wrong. I tell him what's going on. And he yells at me that I am "so frustrating" to him. He storms off to our room and stays there for a little bit. Not sure what he did. Then goes, grabs his keys, and walks out the front door not telling me where he is going or what is going on. I have to call him a couple times to see where he went, but he still never says a word to me about asking how I am or if he can help me in anyway to feel better. He then tells me I am ridiculous and leaves to my relatives house, with still no word about saying for me to feel better.
I don't know what happened to the loving man I knew. I have been in tears all evening and don't know how tonight will go when he gets home. I try talking to him and he doesn't let me get a word in. I know he's tired from last night because he went to sleep after me and woke me up in the middle of the night by poking me when he was having trouble falling back to sleep, only to wake up early again for work. I've made him breakfast every day this week and bought a morning face wash to help him wake up, in which he shows little to no appreciation for. I don't know what to do! I can't live like this if this is how our marriage is going to be. I don't ask for much from him, but he can't even show me the slightest respect when I ask things of him. I asked him to please put the toilet seat down and he won't even do that. What am I supposed to do? Please, any input would be greatly appreciated!
Your situation is bizarre- to have someone do a 180 immediately following the marriage.
Do you have family you can turn to? I think you must have that conversation and if your husband refuses to listen perhaps you consider moving out and see if your absence will make him open his ears to your needs.
Don't settle for this- you've got to nip this now and get your marriage back on track.
There are some people who change considerably after they marry...immediately after they marry. Generally their view of how a husband (or wife) behaves is completely different for how a boyfriend behaves.
We teach people who to treat us. If you stay right now and put up with this treatment this will be your married life. So I agree that you need to leave. If you could leave now before he comes home it would be good.
Otherwise do it in the next few days as soon as you can find a place to go to. Then from there you can decide what you want to do.
Since he is not responding well to the things you are doing for him just stop doing them.
I experienced something similar when I started dating again. My STBXH was overseas. I'd agreed to wait on filing for divorce until he returned stateside on the condition that he didn't object to me dating and moving on with my life in other ways. I lived in his house, he paid most of the bills, and this was agreeable to both of us for a variety of reasons.
I met someone who lived 4 hours away. He was charming, attentive, complimentary, and the kind of guy a girl dreams about for the most part. Although looking back, I can see two red flags, they were very small ones that leaving over would have been an overreaction.
We got into a LDR until my husband was coming back. Since I had to move once he returned, we decided I'd move to the city where he lived. The day after I got there, he did the same kind of bizarre Jekyll and Hide thing your husband is doing. Suddenly he expected me to turn over 100% of my income to him, he told me I was "pathetic" when I asked to stop at a convenience store we were about to drive past, he told me I should "just let him use" my body whenever he wanted with no attention to me. (He thought it was great to wake up and have sex with me when I was asleep, and he didn't want to engage in foreplay.) If I *was* awake, his method of seduction turned into a single question, "Wanna f***?"
I could go on and on about how bad things got and how much it destroyed my self-image. I always thought I was a pretty strong, competent woman, but that experience changed me horribly. I won't get into the ugly details except to say medical care and medication were necessary for me to get back to being functional at all. It wasn't all because of him (hormonal things were going on, too) but if I have a single word of advice for you, it's "RUN!!!!"
What happened to you is terrible. It's amazing how much a person wh care for can harm us emotionally wiht that kind of abuse. I'm glad to hear you were able to pull your self back out of the darkness.
Your situation sounds so strange, only because it seems so sudden.
But being married, for some reason add a millions times stress on me and my husband even though nothing really changes except for making it legal.
I would ask him whats wrong or if you both can talk about whatever is happening.
Something must have upset him. Either it being work or personal, like friends or family. Whatever it is, it needs to come out.
Its been easy for me to just straight up and ask and get answers while "talking about it"
And btw, you sound great and you are not doing anything wrong. I hope everything goes well.
It's strange to me how someone could lie for 3 years and be so cunning....
I'm just trying to understand this clearly
You're saying he never in your entire relationship argued you, or came against you for anything? He never cursed or swore? Never got angry at any point?
That's almost superhuman... abnormal. It would be fine if he didn't do the 180 thing (then he would be a good superhuman)
Sounds like he did the whole, lure and hook the fish, get it on the boat, and then chop it's head off deal.
I would be so freaked out by what you are going through right now. I almost agree with everyone else when I say, get out now.?? I just find this situation so unfortunate for you.
Would his family have any idea that this is going on? Could you ask them maybe about his past? Has he done this before to another woman? Someone must know something about your husband and his history? unless this is a freak thing that has just came out of the blue for him...?
Sounds like a lot of stress going on. Just married.. he wants to be relaxed on honeymoon... after back brand new job. (I take it he knew he would be starting a new job the day after back from honeymoon...)
If so, that could stress him out during honeymoon. My hubby always goes to sleep after a massage. Especially if the reason I gave him a massage was because he had a stressful day at work.
I'd say give it a few weeks. Try to let him be the initiator for sex for a while... Don't hint, beg, or mention it. Then after another week or two.. tell him you need a sit down talk.
I'm sure he was floored coming home & seeing you on the couch sick. He was expecting you to be up & ready to go to the relatives. He walked away from a fight, instead of standing there arguing with you. (IMO he did good there.). He knew he'd be pissed if he just stayed & so avoiding a fight, he went to the relatives anyway without you. Yes, he could/ should have communicated that when he left.. but sounds like he just didn't believe you that you were sick. Instead of accusing you of faking it and getting into a worse fight, he just left without you.
It might just be all the stress. Let him know ASAP that this is not acceptable. He can expect you to do things, and lots of times guys miss the little things that their SO has done (like buying the face wash)- it happens. But he needs to drop the attitude. Let him know that you're happy to work on things on your part as well if there's something that's bothering him so he doesn't feel like you're blaming him for everything. If he balks at this, let him know that your marriage can't continue this way. If you go along any longer, it will only escalate.
Many domestic abuse situations start like this. He's Mr. Perfect until he's not. He is a sweetheart until he hits you. But by that point he's already started breaking down your self-worth so you feel guilty, like it's your fault for not being good enough. I'm not saying that's what will happen here, but things can definitely get worse. Don't wait any longer to act.
This sounds like a TV movie they show on Identification Discovery. Who changes that quickly? If you are not a troll (that is what we call someone who makes up stories to get us going) then you were tricked into marrying a jerk who acted like a prince for 3 years. That is a long way to go to hide oneself. What does he get out of it?
One thing this "man" didn't realize is that just because you got married, that doesn't mean you belong to him. You are still a free woman in this country and can walk away anytime you wish. I know you love him very much, but it sounds like you love someone who never existed. Again, why the act? Perhaps he is a psycho. Maybe he got into drugs that changed him. There are so many things that could be going on, however, from how you described him, there is NO WAY you are going to get this man into therapy.
Marriage isn't supposed to be this hard. This whole story sounds diabolical. For now, please refrain from having children with this man. If he treats you so horribly, imagine what he would do to an innocent child? Once you really feel there is no changing him back to prince charming, you may have to bolt for your sanity and your soul. Don't give this man your soul.
Divorce him, write a book, sell the rights so they can make a movie, and become rich and famous. Cause this is a story I have never heard before. You must think about YOU right now. Don't beg, don't cry, don't whine, don't try to have talks. You will just get more hurt.
Yeah.. it did kind of have the hint of troll smell to it.. .but, I thought, maybe it's real & she is just over simplifying things. That she is not willing to look into what went on before the marriage realistically. There had to be some fights or disagreements there. He -or she- had to have had SOME stressful times. I just figured she wiped those memories under the rug.
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