General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I know this is a place where people come with their problems, and that probably causes me to overgeneralize and think every marriage has issues. I've noticed that sometimes people here or in my real life who rate their marriage as good will usually pause and say, "Well, we have our issues, but......." That makes me feel like even though the marriage is good overall, there is some little ongoing issue that keeps a thorn in the side.
I know people don't always agree and they have different opinions, but is there anyone here, or do you know of anyone, who has been married at least 10 years and can say it's all been smooth as a whole and no huge problems have come up?
I was married 18 years and never thought we had any issues that amounted to a hill of beans. Then, my wife suddenly said she was unhappy and divorced me. Some people even told me that never having issues was a sign that something could be brewing underneath and would come out in a big way.
I think every couple will have issues at some point or other in a long relationship.
Maybe the people who say they never have any issues are the ones that can communicate well and manage to resolve issues before they get out of hand or before one of them gets resentful. Then they forget there ever was an issue
My parents have been married 66 years and I can honestly say they didn't have issues. They spent 24/7 together up until my dad had to be put in a nursing home. Fortunately, that gives me hope.
I think those incidences are few and far between though.
My parents have been married 66 years and I can honestly say they didn't have issues. They spent 24/7 together up until my dad had to be put in a nursing home. Fortunately, that gives me hope.
I think those incidences are few and far between though.
My parents have been married 46 years and in a recent conversation with mom, she said they never had any problems that amounted to anything. I'm glad to see there are others that way too.
We are married for 14 years and the only time we had issues was when I had mild ppd after birth and we both put each other through some stress but even through that there was not a single day I or he might have thought of leaving each other.
I guess every couple will have some issues, its just that some may not see it, some just close one eye, some may overlook the flaws and worst some are super sensitive to even small matters. But I am sure there are some couples who can have uneventful years together happily.
I think most people get the itch after years of being with the same person, it does take a lot of effort to make a relationship or marriage work but too often people seem to give up at the first hurdles, I think marriage is no different to a relationship.. it's about comittment and dedication. Temptation is always there in life, it does take a great deal to accept what you have and work with it, but some marriages do not work for a reason and if it's down to violence or unfaithfulness then it's better to get out, plus life is too short to live truly unhappy, but if it's worth working at then do it!
sometimes spouses aren't hearing what is being said. I know that there have been times throughout my 26 year marriage where I have not been happy and tried over and over to communicate it to my husband. It usually took a HUGE fight and talks about my not knowing how much longer I was willing to put up with not being heard, before he actually stopped and listened long enough to actually HEAR what I was saying.
I'm not saying this was the case in your marriage, but it is pretty common. That is why you often hear men around here saying that they thought everything was perfectly fine, yet their spouse is either cheating or asking for a divorce. Often in retrospect they realize that their spouse was trying to communicate their unhappiness but they did nothing about it.
I'm NOT saying this is justifiable at all! I'm just saying that the thought that everything is just fine and problems "not amounting to a hill of beans" is a personal feeling and not necessarily shared by your spouse.
In discussions with my mother, she attributes their success to having the same lifetime goals. My dad had a dream to own a successful farm. It was that dream that kept him going while serving in World War II in Italy. My mother always supported that dream and him. That also became my mothers dream, and they both worked hard to achieve it. In today's modern society, I believe people become too absorbed in individual accomplishments and goals. They basically become self-absorbed --"I" and "me" as opposed to "we" and "us".
Everyone has issues. So, yes.
But the worst issue to have is sweep-under-carpet-itis.
It's people who manage their issues that get along better.
My kids had made these paper entities, rolled up construction paper with contorted faces and pipe-cleaner arms and hands with different gestures. I had four of them and I kept them on a shelf in my living area, I called them my issues/troubles. They were a good reminder that these creatures visit every human, and on a daily basis.
You can befriend them, or you can slam the door on them and they will keep knocking and while doing that increase in strength and number.
I believe that whether a couple have had huge issues, small, or none, they have still been brought together. And that does mean something. I agree with 827Aug. It's more difficult these days to stay together because nobody wants to have any selflessness. Also, it's easier to leave then to deal with issues sometimes.
I've read a lot of stories from people on this site who have believed everything is peachy, but then the spouse becomes a monster, or leaves. I myself don't understand it. I really wish that this world could slow down a bit.
I'm young still, and have a lot more to learn, but I look at my own parents who are still together after 30 years of marriage, they've had many ups and downs...but I respect their strength and their bond. They are best friends. I really want that for myself and hope that for others they can have the same.
I don't see how it is possible to live with someone for years, and not have issues. There will always be power struggles when living with another person, and how you negotiate these issues will determine whether or not your marriage will survive.
Where will you live? City, suburbs, or country? Big house or small one? How will you spend your money? Joint or separate accounts? If one spouse needs to move for a job promotion, will the other agree to move? Do your sex drives match up? Who cooks? Do you know how to fight fairly? Will you have children? How will you discipline them? What sort of vacations will you take? Will hobbies or friends take precedence over your spouse? Will your family of origin have undue influence on your marriage?
The list goes on and on. Spouses who take the approach of we, not me, will survive the power struggles. They must put the marriage before all other considerations. They must face life's challenges together.
Some spouses are not wired for a life-long relationship. They need a new partner every 10-15 years or so. They crave variety, and are not able to stay faithful to one person. Some spouses let resentments build from the power struggles, and never discuss them, so when they leave, the other spouse feels blind-sided.
I think that the basic issue is not valuing the marriage above all else. If you feel that your marriage is the most precious thing in your life, you will do what it takes to negotiate any conflicts that will arise.
Southbound said: I know people don't always agree and they have different opinions, but is there anyone here, or do you know of anyone, who has been married at least 10 years and can say it's all been smooth as a whole and no huge problems have come up?
Not sure if I could use the term "ISSUE" here...as I was blinded to it....... but our biggest Regrets wrapped around our assinine lack of communicating our sexual desires to one another ....only visiting this conversation 3 yrs ago ... blowing it open .
...
His only complaint in 22 yrs......He wanted more sex & affection FROM ME .....he has said..about our past....."even when things were DRY, we still had the kids, I was happy" (his words)......
I never looked at my marriage as WORK, not for a day.... although that just speaks of what a Great man I married.
We were always very close, even then ....near every night -we watched movies together -my head laying in his lap, he ran his fingers through my hair, scratched my back....we had physical touch going on- he just wanted more below the belt but yet -he never made an issue out of it. Don't for the life of me understand this, mind you!
Then our drives got switched... in Mid Life...my wishing like MAD he had the drive of an 18 yr old, Yeah I was not being realistic at all. This then turned into my HARDEST TIME.... as I was questioning HIS desire for ME -- (exactly what he was feeling for 19 yrs!)... HOW Freaking is that -- and well deserved I might add!@#$%^&*(
But he turned that all around & as always - has shown me nothing but LOVE & caring for my happiness...and in this case... Pleasure ! My husband is & has always been "the Wind beneath my Wings".... and to his credit again... I know I am not the easiest woman to please by any means.
So if these were "issues" - they turned out to be Blessings, stepping stones to a even a greater intimacy in our marriage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 827Aug
In discussions with my mother, she attributes their success to having the same lifetime goals. My dad had a dream to own a successful farm. It was that dream that kept him going while serving in World War II in Italy. My mother always supported that dream and him. That also became my mothers dream, and they both worked hard to achieve it. In today's modern society, I believe people become too absorbed in individual accomplishments and goals. They basically become self-absorbed --"I" and "me" as opposed to "we" and "us".
I too, would ascribe our success to this very same thing.... the same "Lifetime goals" (I asked my husband so darn many questions while dating, I knew him like the back of my hand & I never hesitated showing him the depths of me...the good & the bad)... we genuinely LIKED each other -we became Best Friends before we even kissed... inseparable early on. And always always always a "WE" & an "US" on our lips & in our hearts.
We were very focused on acheiving our dreams -but hand in hand.... looking to our future with our soul mate, how to "build it" for our growing family....I'd call this the "foundational fuel" we ran on...
When $$ was tight- we managed to sock some away anyway....
When we didn't know if we could ever afford the country home we dreamed of- but prayed together anyway...
When we had trouble conceiving (hardest time for me-but WE never took a hit)...we kept believing anyway... going for endless tests, poking, prodding, even a surgery...
When we worried he'd never find a better paying job -even with the babies coming one after the other....WE kept looking anyway.. Everything falling so nicely into place...in due time.
Just some of the little EXTERNAL things....none came close to affecting ..."US", our Union, our love or security with each other. So these are not issues either.... as all couples go through hard times together... .
I would think when people use the term ISSUES... it is someting internal, some contention with each other....a small warring of the heart ....a little too much fighting over the same thing ....a temptation to Avoid each other -to keep the peace (but intimacy suffering), Mismatched libidos, some fighting over $$ , slowly loosing the spark due to a variety of factors... weight gain, resentment, romance took a dive, wanting different things with budding heads. love languages out of sync, etc
But still in it all.. the Good outweighs the bad. The love is there- just needs actively "worked" on.
I know this is a place where people come with their problems, and that probably causes me to overgeneralize and think every marriage has issues. I've noticed that sometimes people here or in my real life who rate their marriage as good will usually pause and say, "Well, we have our issues, but......." That makes me feel like even though the marriage is good overall, there is some little ongoing issue that keeps a thorn in the side.
I know people don't always agree and they have different opinions, but is there anyone here, or do you know of anyone, who has been married at least 10 years and can say it's all been smooth as a whole and no huge problems have come up?
I was married 18 years and never thought we had any issues that amounted to a hill of beans. Then, my wife suddenly said she was unhappy and divorced me. Some people even told me that never having issues was a sign that something could be brewing underneath and would come out in a big way.
Any thoughts?
We've had issues in our marriage, but compared to things I've read on TAM, our issues were nothing and so minor. Even when I thought our marriage was in a rough spot, it was still better than most marriages that I know of.
I don't see how it's possible to be married without having some issues. After all we're talking about two separate individual human beings joining their lives together. They won't always grow in the same direction.
Both people have to value the marriage. One person can't keep the marriage going. You (using a general you here) need to do regular status checks to see if the other person is happy and on the same page with you, and if not, brain storm together for solutions that are mutually satisfying. A lot of people have the sweep under the rug/ignore/conflict avoidance method of dealing with problems and/or they don't communicate clearly and often. Because they don't communicate, little problems become huge, seemingly insurmountable problems. "I told him to take the towel off the bathroom floor" goes to "He clearly doesn't love me. If he loved me he wouldn't keep doing something that irritates me like dropping his towel on the bathroom floor."
If both people don't value the marriage, it won't work. Think of your marriage like a house. Both people have to keep it secure from outsiders and keep the maintenance of it. If only one person does it, the house can be breached by an intruder (affair partner) or the person doing all upkeep gets tired so he/she wants to leave.
I see our interns at work looking at wedding magazines. They spend thousands of dollars on the wedding, but none of them really have any premarital counseling. None of them (as far as I know) have read any marriage books. They focus so much on the wedding and reception, but so little on the skills that will sustain a marriage long-term. We as a society do a poor job preparing our young people for success in marriage.
My husband and I have been married 12 years and never ever had any issues. We are extremely compatible it's scary! I absolutely adore him and he feels the same about me. He truly is my only best friend and I am his. I really can't imagine life without him.
We both work very hard to please each other and meet each others needs. Our marriage has always come first in life.
44Likes
Does everyone have issues in marriage? 
no more silent treatment for me
"A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love."
is that -- and well deserved I might add!@#$%^&*(
