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Lies, Secret Investments, and Indifference - The Trifecta!
First off, thanks for taking the time to read this!
I've been married for only 7 months. A few weeks after the wedding I found out my husband had been lying about his income. Our plan always was for me to be a stay at home mom until our kids were in school full-time. It's what we believed was the Biblical thing to do, and was what both of our moms did. A lot of women dream about climbing the corporate ladder, but I always dreamed of being a mom. He works for his parents business and I found out he makes between $20k-$30k with no option for benefits, which was nowhere close to what he told me initially.
He has 9 years of sales experience and a Masters degree, so I asked him if he'd consider changing jobs so we could stick to the initial plan of me staying at home, then he could go back to working for his parents business when I started working full-time again, but he flat out refused and gave me the silent treatment for a week. This has happened multiple times.
I came to terms that I'd be a working mom, and started talking to him about possible career changes for me that might allow me more time at home. I offered to become a nurse and work nights, that way one of us would always be with the kids...but he said NO because that would be bad for our marriage, and I could see that. I offered to get certified to teach, so I could be at home more than I am now, and he said NO to that too because (get ready for this) teacher's don't make enough money! I'd be making more than him!! At that point I got upset and asked if he cared at all about what I wanted in life and his reply was, "We can't all get what we want." But he gets everything he wants??? I truly thought I was coming up with compromises that would benefit him more than me. He said he's not willing to compromise because the wife is supposed to be subservient to the husband. Whoa! He said that because we're Christians, but he's ignoring the part about not taking advantage of a submissive (not subservient) wife.
I recently found out he's been taking money out of each of his paychecks and investing it into his parents business with no share of ownership in return. I was beyond livid that he didn't discuss it with me beforehand. I feel completely betrayed! It seems like our marriage and finances always take a backseat to his parents and their business.
He's been borderline verbally abusive and has started being rough with me and our dog. I've become very resentful and have stopped providing the things the expects from his wife, like a clean house, home cooked meals, and sex. I have no interest in pleasing someone who's unwilling to return the favor. I sat down with him and explained that I don't want to feel like this, and that since we've been unable to solve our issues on our own, I wanted to try marriage counseling. He's unwilling to go. He said that he doesn't have any issues and that I need to get counseling for myself so I'll have a reality check. He claims he's 100% happy...there's no way I believe that.
I'm really struggling. Has anyone else had a completely oblivious spouse? How did you get them to realize that your marriage was in trouble?
Well...you leave. Before my husband and I got married we lived together and I kicked him out because of similar stuff. He wouldn't compromise...his happiness was all that mattered, etc...
Sometimes you have to slap them in the face with it and let them know you mean it. So you say, "Look. I don't think this is a marriage that can work. You lied and are not holding up your end of the bargain. I am unhappy. If things don't change, I'm outta here."
Sometimes even when you do that, then he starts changing and you get back together, things can go right back to how they were when you were unhappy. Then you might have to consider permanent separation.
Re: Lies, Secret Investments, and Indifference - The Trifecta!
Quote:
Originally Posted by kcinok
First off, thanks for taking the time to read this!
I've been married for only 7 months. A few weeks after the wedding I found out my husband had been lying about his income. Our plan always was for me to be a stay at home mom until our kids were in school full-time. It's what we believed was the Biblical thing to do, and was what both of our moms did. A lot of women dream about climbing the corporate ladder, but I always dreamed of being a mom. He works for his parents business and I found out he makes between $20k-$30k with no option for benefits, which was nowhere close to what he told me initially.
He has 9 years of sales experience and a Masters degree, so I asked him if he'd consider changing jobs so we could stick to the initial plan of me staying at home, then he could go back to working for his parents business when I started working full-time again, but he flat out refused and gave me the silent treatment for a week. This has happened multiple times.
I came to terms that I'd be a working mom, and started talking to him about possible career changes for me that might allow me more time at home. I offered to become a nurse and work nights, that way one of us would always be with the kids...but he said NO because that would be bad for our marriage, and I could see that. I offered to get certified to teach, so I could be at home more than I am now, and he said NO to that too because (get ready for this) teacher's don't make enough money! I'd be making more than him!! At that point I got upset and asked if he cared at all about what I wanted in life and his reply was, "We can't all get what we want." But he gets everything he wants??? I truly thought I was coming up with compromises that would benefit him more than me. He said he's not willing to compromise because the wife is supposed to be subservient to the husband. Whoa! He said that because we're Christians, but he's ignoring the part about not taking advantage of a submissive (not subservient) wife.
I recently found out he's been taking money out of each of his paychecks and investing it into his parents business with no share of ownership in return. I was beyond livid that he didn't discuss it with me beforehand. I feel completely betrayed! It seems like our marriage and finances always take a backseat to his parents and their business.
He's been borderline verbally abusive and has started being rough with me and our dog. I've become very resentful and have stopped providing the things the expects from his wife, like a clean house, home cooked meals, and sex. I have no interest in pleasing someone who's unwilling to return the favor. I sat down with him and explained that I don't want to feel like this, and that since we've been unable to solve our issues on our own, I wanted to try marriage counseling. He's unwilling to go. He said that he doesn't have any issues and that I need to get counseling for myself so I'll have a reality check. He claims he's 100% happy...there's no way I believe that.
I'm really struggling. Has anyone else had a completely oblivious spouse? How did you get them to realize that your marriage was in trouble?
Wow, that's a rough situation to be in! I can see two possible steps that might help find a better outcome:
First, he's clearly resistant to thinking something is "wrong" with him, and the idea of counselling probably brings that to his mind. Would he respond the same way if you told him you'd like to talk to your pastor (or a pastor if you don't have one now) together? You can also start going without him, and later introduce him to the idea of attending with you "to help you deal with" your "own" issues. (Yes, that happens to be his behavior, but let someone else highlight that to him.)
If not, then I think now is a good time to demonstrate that you will make your own plans to be a financial provider and determine "how things will be." If he can ignore the parts of Christian marital teachings that he dislikes, so can you. I wouldn't try to talk to him about it unless he comes to you first, and even then, I would *only* talk as long as he's being reasonable and fair. The moment any criticism or name-calling started, the conversation would end until he was ready to try again without those things.
Re: Lies, Secret Investments, and Indifference - The Trifecta!
His lying or exaggerating is a problem that will get worse. It's like he baited the hook to get you and marry you and then showed his true personality once he had you. This happens all the time, both men and women go through this. Any way you look at this, this is a betrayal and it hurts. You probably feel duped. Seven months in and you sound so unhappy. I hope you realize he is not going to change. The hard facts are hard to hear.
Remember this, you are your own person who has your own dreams. You are no one's property, slave, servant, or employee. You are a strong woman (or person) and that is why you see the changes in him. You feel it in your gut that something is amiss.
Please, for your own sanity, do not think that you can change him. Do not think your love will make everything alright. It's hard to hear and I am sorry to say these things to you. Reality is stark, it has sharp edges, and it cuts deeply. If you have no children with Mr. Hyde, try to wait awhile. You may decide you don't want a marriage where you feel you are not being heard or respected.
I hear this time and again. People act great when they meet someone. They say all the right things, do all the right things, and you fall in love. Then they change and the REAL them comes out. Do they plan this? Will the real loving husband please stand up!
You need to come to terms with the fact that this is who he really is. Can you live with that? You have already cut off sex. It's only been 7 months. Do you think that is normal? Do some soul searching, write things down like in a journal or something. Read what you have written. Notice patterns. You mentioned you and he are into the bible, which makes no bones about divorce, etc. However, think of what Jesus would tell you. Would Jesus want you to stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy? Would Jesus want you to develop feelings of regret and resentment? No he wouldn't. Remember, Jesus never judges, only people do that. You are his child, and he wants you to be happy. Please don't let yourself feel guilty for your anger and sadness. You only have one life, you should live it as you see fit and not have to deal with a liar and who knows what else he's hiding.
God helps those who help themselves. Good luck to you, you have a lot to think about. Try to detach emotionally if you can so you can think straight. This is YOUR life, not anyone elses. And if they don't like it, they can lump it.
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Lies, Secret Investments, and Indifference - The Trifecta! 
