questionme2

I need advice. My husband has had a history of not being there for me in our marriage. In therapy, I was called the enabler. I've been working on it.

When the tragedy happened in colorado... I was called to duty. I'm in a profession where I'm "on call" for these kinds of things. However that just happened to be on the same day we had movers coming to move us to our new home. My husband asked me to call in sick for the move because he said couldn't take the day off. The day before ... He took off to "pack" with me but instead he chose to take our son to a talent agent. He wants my son tone a child star even though we don't agree on this.

Anyway, the day of the tragedy.. I was thrust into the disaster and asked to be on national TV. This despite the fact the movers were at our house and our young son was with a neighbor. Instead of my husband helping... He told me he was in meetings all day. He left me to the tragedy... Juggling work and national tv .. And the move. Not to mention our child's care. I somehow made it through... Thanks to good neighbors and the movers. Tonight my husband said it was the "best move we've ever had". He was unreachable. He never took calls or texts. I dealt with the ENTIRE ordeal.

I was extremely stressed and tried not to blame or discuss it until I could fully process what transpired. Now... With hindsight... I'm beginning to see that I was really left in a bad situation with NO support from my husband.

How might you deal with this?
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Ansley

I would be furious. I think you posted somewhere else about drinking. I dont know enough about your dynamic to know if its a relationship problem or if he just needs to get sober.

Anyhow what you had to go through was terrible. He should be proud of your job, of you and conforting considering you were there. I would get some therapy after just being around that disaster and bring your husband up to the therapist.

questionme2

Thanks for the reply, Ansley. I appreciate it.

This particular situation had nothing to do with drinking. This was just a situation where my husband felt locked into work and said he had "no choices".

I tried to understand that... But it was the SAME for me. I absolutely had to deal with work and somehow I managed. It was insane... I was trying to tell the movers by phone... Where to put the furniture... Texting to neighbor to make sure my son was OK.. And then talking with authorities regarding the tragedy.

As the day began, I tried to think of what the therapist would tell me to do. So I told my husband that I couldn't handle it All
and I needed his help. That didn't work... He just said "I've had these meetings set up for weeks... I don't have a choice". I said so I guess I'm going to have to handle this all on my own? And I began to lose my cool. He said he didn't appreciate my tone and that I just had to figure it out.

To be fair... I was not around the victims or the theater... I was not thrown into THAT. But I was on national TV and thrown straight into the response.

Maybe it's unfair for me to think he could cover for me?


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Jojara

I think you are right to expect more out of him. You both had important work issues....but balancing the home move and your child should have been something that he help you juggle.

Perhaps he needs something more concrete such as....hubby I need you to be in touch with the movers in between your meetings to tell them where to place the furniture....and I will keep tabs on our child during the day. Or vice versa....something that acknowledges his need to be in meetings....but is more direct in how you need help (rather than just, I need help)?

Just a thought....

sisters359

Is this a pattern? I'm not sure it is fair for any of us to think we are "indespensible" to any situation, and if something happens once, we can accept it isn't our time and let it go. But if one person always believes they are too important to not show up, then there is an imbalance.

I think this question could apply to both you and your h. If you could not appear on TV or whatever, the news people could find someone else. If he had meetings scheduled and there is something as unpredictable as the shooting, no one would blink if he made his excuses for the sudden need to change meetings, no matter how long ago they were scheduled.

Balance is the important element. If you are always being left to deal with everything, well, I sympathize. That gets old, really fast. And perhaps worse, you may lose respect for the person who seems unable to deal with anything outside his normal work and routines; I know I did.

questionme2

You are right. Here's the issue ... My boss made me the point person in the emergency. That is the basis of my job. On smaller issues... I could back out or make an excuse, but If I wasn't there on THIS... I would have been fired. It was the biggest tragedy we've almost ever seen. So I didn't have flexibility. In order to handle everything... I begged for 2 hours free time so I could get things somehow situated. My boss agreed as long as I was there on time... In 2 hours. I texted my husband and asked him for his help. I told him I had a couple of things he HAD to do for me. He didn't respond. When I finally got him on the phone and asked him to call The realtor while I went to meet the movers... He simply said he "had no flexibility". He refused.

I don't cry easily but that day... I literally drive to our house crying. I was soworried
About our son and having him well cares for. Normally I would just bring him with me, but with THIS I couldn't.

The issue is my husband is never there for me unless it's on his free time. I think was the worst possible example of that.

It almost feels like something I could leave him over. I would hate to break up our family. But my DH is living for DH.

It was my bday last week. My mom came into town and had a cake and a card. My husband said he'd make dinner... He didn't even get me a card or a present. Nothing. He still says its coming.

Instead, on the night of my bday he nearly cut his finger off. I had to take him to the ER. He's very accident prone and I sat thinking... How am I going to get him to be more careful?

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Chris Taylor

You didn't describe what your husband does. Is it such that he had any flexibility in the matter? Given he took the day before off, did he have a choice?

Is the fact that he has a different career path for your son than you play into this, along with other issues you aren't discussing (like a crappy birthday)?

questionme2

My husband is a photographer. He works for a private company. I don't know what his day is truly like, but I DO know that it wasn't as crazy as the one I had.

I think overall my husband has improved on a lot of issues. But, he is very self involved. For father's day he took unpaid leave (he hadn't accumulated enough vacation yet in his first year) to join me on my company trip. He spent 5 days out of town while I was stuck on conferences. THAT was his "fathers day gift" in addition to clothes etc that he bought. But I can't even get a bday acknowledgement? Or help in a day of such tragedy?

As for our son, I don't think that talent agent is going to do much locally. I was unhappy he chose to do that on "pack" day, but I'm not worried about that long term.

QUOTE=Chris Taylor;965404]You didn't describe what your husband does. Is it such that he had any flexibility in the matter? Given he took the day before off, did he have a choice?

Is the fact that he has a different career path for your son than you play into this, along with other issues you aren't discussing (like a crappy birthday)?[/QUOTE]
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