General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I could really use some advice. A few weeks ago I was away with my kids and my husband stayed at home. He told me that one night a co-worker called him to ask him to come pick him up because he had been drinking. It would have been an hour drive back and forth to get this co-worker. The story sounded odd, so after looking into the phone records I realized that there was no such phone call. However, he did go to this city because there was a credit card charge for an hour parking. No other large amounts of money taken out or spent. When I asked why he had to park there, he said because the guy didnt want to leave. I asked a few other questions and it just seemed like he was lying..."the guy is on the verge of a divorce, he couldnt call his wife. The place they were at was near a college...was kind of fun."
Here is the problem....I don't know how to confront the lie. If I do, then any evidence I could find will disappear because he will get rid of it. I doubt he will tell me the truth. I have tried to get more evidence, but am at a dead end. His computer is password protected.
Since this time, he doesnt behave differently, doesnt disappear for long amounts of time...although I believe that anything that is going on is on the computer.
This problem has consumed my every thought for the past few weeks. I am at a total loss of what to do...please any advice would be welcome.
That is the problem...I have been snooping. There is nothing. It is driving me crazy to know there is something, but I cant get my hands on the truth. Problem is that I cant spend day after day searching for something obsessivly, when I need to continue on with my life.
There are no odd phone calls, so maybe he has a pay by minute cell phone? The only way I think I could come close to finding something is on his computer...which has a password.
What to do????
Am I right to think that I cant confront at this point? I think it will just make the situation worse.
I'm not sure following him is the answer since I have a gut feeling that either this is a casual thing or something that hasnt taken off yet. In other words...infrequent. Yes, I guess I could go away again for a weekend and do it that way....but I really need answers now. This snooping has brought my life to a standstill, as I feel that it is all I do. As for keylogging, how can one install a keylogger without getting onto ones computer? Also legality issues?
I have looked at the phone and at the records online. Nothing. Also no emails to his accounts. So whatever this is, it is very well hidden. That is why I think it is an infrequent casual encounter thing.
Maybe I am naive, but is there an underground of people who meet casually? No money involved, just casual encounters? Yes, I see it on craigslist and all, but do men really do this? Or is it a massage parlor? How much would one spend at a massage parlor?
I am totally depressed about this as I am the honest one here, yet everything is against me. All I want is the truth, yet how do I get it?
To catch my H in his lies I confronted him as if I knew everything. I didn't confront him in anger but in an apologetic, sympathetic tone. I sat him down and just said, "It's OK hunny. I know all about it. I've seen the messages." I actually had no evidence at the time; i just knew he was hiding something. In your situation I'd probably say something like, "I've seen the messages and I followed you one night. I saw everything. I know all about it. I've known for awhile." I'd probably pretend I wanted to join him or something. then just let him talk. You have to pretend you want in and be hurt that he didn't let you in on the action. That'd get him talking. My H still tried to deny it at first but after being sympathetic for awhile he talked. And when he spills the beans I'd kick his a**.
Sounds like some of the vague answers my husband has been giving me. Go with what your instincts are telling you. I just found this site today and already, people have responded with insightful and kind thoughts.
What kind of phone does he have? Have you checked his text messages, sites he's been on (either on computer or phone). I would suggest not asking him anything about this until you have investigated a little more. Because you're right..if he is doing something wrong, then he will delete everything he can think of.
Dig deep into whatever he uses that you have access to. Check to see if he's been taking pictures of himself that you might have not seen before. Has he been deleting history every time he uses the computer? Stuff like that is a red flag. Keep checking phone bills. Just stay cool and keep an eye out.
Why is his computer password protected in the first place?
With some of the keystroke loggers, you can trick a person into installing it on their computer by sending them an e-mail link, but I don't know many details about it because I've only installed one directly. As far as the legality - you have to digitally certify that you are installing it with the owner's consent, which is where it can get tricky. If you don't have the owner's consent, you're violating federal wiretapping laws in the U.S.
Because you seem to have a solid and rational perspective, smartie, let me ask you if you really need that evidence. If you plan to quash it and keep the relationship, it might be better to take a different approach than seeking corroboration.
I suspect you're right that it's not an ongoing affair. In fact, when he says it's "near the college" it makes me think of the way female students sometimes prostitute themselves to get money. They aren't hardcore hookers, but they're turning tricks just the same.
You have enough information right now to confront him about his deception. You could use what you do have to say, "You've betrayed my trust, and because of that, I want you to remove your computer password and get rid of anything incriminating you may have on there. I expect that you will not betray my trust again, and if you do, I will not be so accepting as I am right now. I will be watching for betrayal until I can feel secure about the level of trust we have between us."
Consider the possible outcomes carefully before taking this approach. Will you be able to accept that you may never know what happened? How can you respond calmly if he tries to turn things around on you and accuse you of being paranoid or unreasonable? If you can have a Plan B in place, stay calm, and keep things in perspective, you may be able to find out what is motivating him to look outside his marriage for his needs to be met.
I differ from many people on this forum in that I don't believe in snooping, don't believe in going into another person's personal information, and don't believe it is ethical to follow people around with cameras. I do think, though, that you have every right to say that his stories sound untrue, that you feel as though there is something going on, and that you want to hear what is going on. I would tell him that you feel instinctively that there is a problem and that you want to deal with it, but you need to hear the entire truth. If he shuts down, I think it is safe to let him know that you aren't willing to live like this and to take some steps.
It sounds like snooping is consuming your life. That's kind of the nature of deceit, I think. What good is it doing for you and your relationship? It doesn't sound like it helps. A more direct approach sounds like it might be helpful.
I do think, though, that you have every right to say that his stories sound untrue, that you feel as though there is something going on, and that you want to hear what is going on.
Cheaters will not tell the truth.
All that does is warn the cheater to be better at hiding, now that the spouse suspects.
Cheaters will not tell the truth.
All that does is warn the cheater to be better at hiding, now that the spouse suspects.
I disagree, but that's OK.
I think people need to go with their gut. If somebody seems to be cheating, if their behavior is distant, if something feels off, then I don't see a reason not to say so and deal with the problem in the relationship: there is still a problem, whether you have "details" or not. I'm not sure how "catching" somebody really does anything useful. A problem is a problem, and the problem that exists is big enough to tackle on its own. This is simply my opinion, though, and the poster is free to take it with a grain of salt I'm big on honesty and not stooping to the level of snooping or getting into somebody else's privacy, so that's always going to be in my advice.
I agree that snooping can lead you away from your normal everyday life, but it's also hard to live a life if you are believing it all could be a lie. It eats away at you.
You've already asked your spouse about this so called "night with a guy friend who needed to be picked up", and you still feel he is lying to you. So what do you think would happen if you sit him down again for a talk? You know your H better than any of us. You already have this feeling of deceit from him.
I've tried everything in the book with mine....I've sat him down and talked rationally about my suspicions or my findings, I've gone the whole nine yards....he's lied hundreds of times to me over and over....have had many different kinds of situations happen.
If you feel that you won't find anything right now, then just leave this whole thing alone. Wait a while and give him the benefit of the doubt. No point in continually searching for things he might have deleted already, or might not even be happening for all you know.
Wait a while....the truth will reveal itself. I find though if you don't have evidence and you tell your H that you have suspicions about him, it will just make him feel like you don't have trust for him if he isn't doing anything.
Thank you for all of your responses...I hadnt mentioned that something similar happened a few years ago. I found a pay per minute cell phone, some internet history...etc. I confronted him. Never got a straight answer. We went to counseling. THought he learned his lesson from whatever it was and I moved on. I didnt get an honest answer then, and history has proven that my method did not work.
Fast forward to now...I don' t think our relationship has been great lately (not horrible though...just no intimacy because of kids. And yes, I do consider this a major issue).
I guess from your answers regarding snooping vs not snooping..getting a straight answer or never getting an answer...this is what is driving me crazy. I can't repeat the past like I did a few years ago because obviously the problem was not resolved. I can confront without proof, but I know I will not get an answer. I am caught between a rock and a hard place.
I don't think I can move forward in a relationship in which I don't know the truth. So what do I do? Just sit here and wait for more evidence that might never come? We have been married for 14 years...3 kids...how could I end a marriage without proof?
I say this a lot to people, but he sounds like my H. My H would never give me straight answers that left me feeling relieved or good. He would say things like "baby, don't start fighting" or "don't worry about me, everything is fine" "don't worry, you worry too much" many more where that came from. Or he would deter the conversation away completely from me questioning him and the day would move on...
and the funny part is, I would fall for it over and over again. I felt like you too....I thought "this is so draining I know something is wrong, but I can't figure out what it is" This doesn't feel right.
Then I started snooping one year I remember..and I did start finding little things that I thought were odd. and over the years things just started adding up.
But since you do not have proof, nor is he giving you a straight answer. The only things you can do, is wait for proof (because if there's something going on, you will get proof eventually), or talk to him about how you are feeling and see where that goes (not sure where that could go, so many ways), or leave it all alone and don't worry about it if you can.
One thing you should do is figure out where you draw lines. Set some boundaries within yourself. Know what you would do in certain circumstances and make sure if those things come true, that you will stick by your boundaries.
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Need advice about husband lying 
I'm big on honesty and not stooping to the level of snooping or getting into somebody else's privacy, so that's always going to be in my advice.
