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Old 08-08-2012, 08:25 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trying not to be a fool

Ok, so after absorbing the feedback and some discussion with a friend, I think my next step is to emotionally detach myself. I've been told that if I don't emotionally detach, I'm setting myself up for failure. I've read a little online about how to emotionally detach. Anyone care to share things that helped them detach or what they found particularly difficult about this process?
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Old 08-08-2012, 08:28 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trying not to be a fool

Best thing I know is to start looking at them as if you were someone else. Watch his actions and words as if you were, say, your best friend, watching him treat your best friend the way he does. Would you feel good about him? Respect him? Admire him? Not likely. Seeing him the way other people would see him (assuming they were to see how he really treats you, not the way he treats you in public) helps a lot.
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Old 08-08-2012, 08:30 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trying not to be a fool

Also a pros and cons list helps.

The best thing I ever did was to keep a list. Every snide remark. Every roll of the eyes. Every subtle belittling. Every time he got you to give up seeing a friend or doing something you wanted, just to keep him from getting upset. Stuff like that. Once you start keeping a list, it really adds up. And you can't deny it any more.
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Old 08-08-2012, 12:32 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trying not to be a fool

Travellover,

Look back at all of our posts here. My hope is that you can clearly see what a terrible position you're in. This man has taken, taken, taken and has not given anything in return. That's not a marriage. You're even nervous about keeping a self help book in the house. That's awful!

You sound like such a decent person. I really hope you can get away from this man and find someone who gives you what you need.
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Old 08-08-2012, 01:51 PM   #35 (permalink)
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C123 and Turnera I can't tell you how much you've both helped me. Since I've never posted on any site before, I didn't know what to expect. Although it sounds pretty ridiculous now, while I knew I wasn't happy, I didn't look at it the way that someone who is entirely removed from the situation can see it. The unwavering support and brutal honesty have spelled out for me in no uncertain terms what I've known all along: I really do need to make a change. I am committed to beginning to emotionally detach. I don't want to do something half-way. I will be on this forum asking for and giving advice for as long as it takes. My situation is slightly more complicated by the fact that I was laid off from my job permanently the week after I met the OW. I'm lucky because I have somewhere that I can go even if I don't have a job, but I would feel much better about having that security. I'm a mid-level manager and have a solid career background, so I hope that it won't take me too long to find a job. I'm concentrating on taking care of myself physically and emotionally. The kind words from strangers certainly give me strength. Thank you.
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Old 08-08-2012, 01:56 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Trying not to be a fool

This website has helped a lot of people gain perspective (good or bad) on their marriage. That includes me. I'm grateful for all of the people on this website and their advice and I'm glad you found it. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
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