General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I just found my husband's porn stash on his computer. Yes, I know this was wrong to go snooping, but please understand that I needed to know if he was looking at it or not--for a lot of reasons.
We've been married for over ten years. We rarely ever have sex. Once every few months or so, maybe even less. We used to fight about it a lot, but I've learned to live with him not really wanting it. It's been this way for years now. It makes me feel so horrible about myself. I feel really unattractive because of it.
He has a big collection of pictures of big breasted women and I have small breasts. I never knew until today that he liked big breasted women. He's always denied it.
Why is he with me then? Should I talk to him about it? Or pretend I don't know anything about it? I'm so upset about it.
Its not fair that he isn't giving you any attention. I don't watching porn is a big deal, but it is if he is ignoring his wife.
His looking at porn dosnt mean he dosnt find you attractive though, and you shouldn't feel insecure about that. Talk to him about his lack of intimacy towards you, see of that improves or if the porn really is causing a problem.
We all view porn from time to time, but nothing compares to the real thing with your wife, he might need reminding of that
Yes you should. For your own sake. Otherwise these thoughts will keep rattling inside your head and drive you crazy. Don't expect any breakthrough, all it will do is make him hide his stash better.
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Originally Posted by butterflyorchid
He has a big collection of pictures of big breasted women and I have small breasts.
Porn is often about fantasy not real life. It is better left that way. I don't think he is sitting there wanting you to be that way. So you don't have to obsess over it. If his porn stash had all asian women, would you try to become asian?
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Originally Posted by butterflyorchid
We rarely ever have sex. Once every few months or so, maybe even less.
Being a HD male, i have never understood guys who don't want it from their wives. You know he isn't gay. Maybe it is low testosterone. Maybe he got rejected too many times that he finds porn to be a more reliable source for sexual gratification. A sex therapist may have a better answer. Have you tried initiating?
If he is hiding the fact that he has a thing for big breasts from you, wouldn't that indicate he cares for your feelings?
If he is hiding the fact that he has a thing for big breasts from you, wouldn't that indicate he cares for your feelings?
I haven't initiated for a while. I suppose I could. I only ever talk about it, but it sometimes just starts a fight.
I guess he does care about my feelings. But I just don't understand why he hasn't wanted sex. I feel like he's been choosing his fantasies over me for years.
I haven't initiated for a while. I suppose I could. I only ever talk about it, but it sometimes just starts a fight.
What are these fights about? If you are not initiating, your complaint about not having sex seems to come down to him not asking you. Have you turned him down in the past?
butterfly, I personally think porn can be detrimental to a lot of guys, but believe me, and it gets discussed on pretty much every porn thread on this site, the things he likes in porn have nothing to do with what you can or can't be, stop comparing yourself to the girls in the porn, I am pretty confident when I say your H isn't. Now maybe some guys cross that line, but most know its fantasy, and the novelty of porn is you can seek out whatever type you are in the mood for with the click of a button and without having to put in any effort that a real relationship requires.
If he is using it as a form of escapism he really should stop doing so... if he is struggling to quit then it is a compulsion or addiction in which case he really should stop. I think porn can be fine in a relationship as long as a neither are keeping it secret or using it to intentionally disrespect their spouse.
He has a big collection of pictures of big breasted women and I have small breasts. I never knew until today that he liked big breasted women. He's always denied it.
To be fair, it's kind of impossible to look at porn and NOT see large-breasted women.
__________________ "I'm not a real doctor, but I play one on TAM." "Dude, stop saying 'no.' If your wife offers you a quickie in the back of a moving van, you say "YES!"
What are these fights about? If you are not initiating, your complaint about not having sex seems to come down to him not asking you. Have you turned him down in the past?
I have initiated before, but not for a long time now. I don't feel attractive enough to anymore.
I've never turned him down. He never wants it. He's only initiated twice in the past year or more. As for fights, for years it's been one thing after another. He says we don't get along or I'm too depressed. Then he's too self conscious to have sex with me. I try to change and do everything he wants. Then he doesn't want to talk about it or he'll just get angry.
To be fair, it's kind of impossible to look at porn and NOT see large-breasted women.
It would be different if there were other elements to the pictures, like what they are doing, etc. But for about 90% of the images, it's just them posing with close ups of their breasts. He chose to save these images to his computer.
Porn is normal for a guy to look at. Don't take it personal. Even if you initiated sex with him every night, he may still like to masturbate to porn.
I think it is normal for a guy to get a thrill from porn, and I have nothing morally against porn because these are consenting adults, but I would say statement that is is normal (insinuating healthy) is stretching it too far - yes even if he had sex daily he may still choose to compulsively masturbate, but if he got his porn/masturbation compulsion under his control the quality of his sex life would probably improve (or so I've heard from men that have chosen to put the porn away).
He has a wife with petite breasts and looks at women with big boobs, the neighbor has a double D wife and looks at petite women... Then there is the third guy who stores homosexual porn with only men in his hard drive...
Well, at least you're not married to number 3, so you can work with it. Talk to him. Tell him you want the both of you to enjoy sex more often and ask him what would it take for it to happen!
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or so I've heard from men that have chosen to put the porn away
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