shosty

OK, I could use some perspective from anyone! Here is the quick version. My wife has been diagnosed with depression and because of this she cannot work and does very little around the house. So most of the everyday chores, in addition to paying the bills, is on my shoulders. I also have extra work outside my main job to pay the bills. Somedays my days are really long. I am getting really tired. I truly believe she is depressed, it is obvious, but I am gradually turing into a bitter, cynical, angry person. And I have a reputation for being an upbeat, overly happy guy too. But to be completely honest, I am resenting her. I am not saying I am proud of these feelings but it is reality. The more I feel this way the more it starts coming out in every day life, which even makes her depression worse. I think I may be becoming depressed too, which makes the extra work even harder, which makes me more resentful, which makes her more depressed. See the vicious cycle? Any ideas at all?

Blanca

that is tough shotsy. im sure you really love and care about her and hate to see her hurting, but at the same time im sure you dont want to be hurting either.

it may help you to work on your boundaries with her. she may be depressed, but that does not mean you have to protect her from her actions. she will have to learn to reap what she sows, and even though its a painful process, you cant protect her from the pain she is creating. she'll have to know how her actions are affecting you. it is the only way she can heal.

try to do things that make you happy, and never do anything that makes you feel resentful.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

Lavender

Remember the words "For Better or Worse" when you start to feel resentment.. It could be Reversed & be you Depressed and dont get me wrong I know its a load & tons of new stress for you.. they say Depression hurts everyone..

I have to catch myself at home for certain days I will slip into weird moody moods & it affects everyone around me..( I am in early menapause & grieving an Unexspected death of a Parent.. Dealing with other family deaths as well and the kids leaving home syndrome becoming grandma without much warning went thru months of not knowing if an extreme preemy grandbaby would make it .. loads of drama we have faced & still are dealing with grief that doesnt fade or maybe not dealing with it to avoid Depression I dont Know)

I do Know that I have a Pretty Understanding Husband .. but I put alot of effort in to make myself aware when Im focusing too much on the negative.. I have no gurantee I can always pull back & smile and go forward so i sympathize with your wife & with You.. If at all possible .. is there any other people your close enough to that you could ask for help with household duties or errands while you give your wife support and the time she needs to regroup??

and maybe find ways to relax and destress yourself so you are More sincere with your wife and dont let it turn to resentment... you may need to find someone you can vent to and talk out how it affects you being caretaker But Please remember she isnt doing it to u on purpose so fight away resentment and pray for patience ...sending best wishes for both of you

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MarkTwain

shosty-
The modern method is to give depressed people drugs. The older method was to keep them busy. Lying in bed is the worst thing for depression. You going down with the ship is not helping either. You would actually have a more positive impact if you told her that you have a limit.

Has sex gone out of the window also?

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MT

shosty

Yes, it definitely has gone out the window. Really interesting comments... Both of are saying similar things. I sort of assumed that I should just pick up the slack all the time but it really isn't working. This really gives me some food for thought. Thanks!

Lavender, thanks for the input! Sorry to hear about all that's going on in your life with the death of your parent. You have a great point about it could be me with depression. Or for that matter, I one day could have a debilitating disease, who knows. And thanks for the reminder that she isn't doing it on purpose - that definitely helps to keep that in mind. Thanks for the wise words! Best wishes to you too.