General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
He got pissy because you looked at his diary... Oh boo woo to him!
Either he is mad because you looked in general, you know its the principal of the thing, OR because of the contents in it. My guess is, its both. Oh well....
BTW, most of the time people who enjoy what they are doing, looking at, etc, will always find a way to justify their actions. They will always try to make the other person feel dumb or wrong for feeling the way they do on certain issues.
Bit of backstory first, about two years ago I found out that husband had searched for 'teen bodies' on a torrent site along with some other stuff (not porn related). He hadn't actually downloaded anything it had just appeared in the search box. Now I know a lot of porn with teen in the title are actually 18+ but can look 16 etc so presumed it was that. I was still a little shocked and when I asked him about it he denied it and said it must be a virus. He later admitted it was him.
This right here shows me that there is a serious problem. He made an active DECISION to search for naked teenagers on the internet. We are not talking about a fleeting, redirected thought. This was an action. I don't care if the girls had "mature" bodies. That is besides the point. Where do you draw the line? What if it was a ten-year-old who went through a very early puberty? It is downright dangerous to try to justify such actions.
This is SO true. This is what separates humans from wild animals. Sure, it is natural to notice that someone is attractive. You can notice that a baby is beautiful or a fourteen-year-old is beautiful. But sexually??? Stop those thoughts. Don't go there. You CAN choose to kill a thought. If you are lusting after a fourteen-year-old in a sexual way, there is a serious CHARACTER problem.
Is the husband lusting after 14 year old girls regularly? I didn't get that from this thread. All we know is that the husband wrote one diary entry about thinking a girl looked older than she was, looked sexy and he wished she was at least 17. Does it mean that the husband like them young? Yes, but by what he wrote he likes them legal too. We also know that the husband leers (or maybe just notices?) attractive check out girls. Well how old are these girls? My guess is that they are likely at least of legal age to consent to a sexual relationship. Sure his behavior may be a little creepy and perverted due to the age gap; however, his desires appear to be legal.
I think the bigger issue here is that the husband seems to be checking out other women an awful lot. Would the OP feel any better if he's constantly leering at 40 year old MILFS? Most porn showcases women that are 18 -22 years of age. Most would think the husband was a little perverted (or stupid) to go after women who are 18 - 22 because it looks like a perverted older man looking for younger girls.
I don't think the husband is at risk of being a pedophile, but I do think the husband is not paying enough attention to his own wife and making her feel attractive and desirable. This, IMO, is the bigger issue.
He got pissy because you looked at his diary... Oh boo woo to him!
Either he is mad because you looked in general, you know its the principal of the thing, OR because of the contents in it. My guess is, its both. Oh well....
BTW, most of the time people who enjoy what they are doing, looking at, etc, will always find a way to justify their actions. They will always try to make the other person feel dumb or wrong for feeling the way they do on certain issues.
Yup,
And we men have a term for that.
Its called " Gaslighting ."
Yes, but by what he wrote he likes them legal too. We also know that the husband leers (or maybe just notices?) attractive check out girls.
I think the bigger issue here is that the husband seems to be checking out other women an awful lot. Would the OP feel any better if he's constantly leering at 40 year old MILFS? Most porn showcases women that are 18 -22 years of age. Most would think the husband was a little perverted (or stupid) to go after women who are 18 - 22 because it looks like a perverted older man looking for younger girls.
I don't think the husband is at risk of being a pedophile, but I do think the husband is not paying enough attention to his own wife and making her feel attractive and desirable. This, IMO, is the bigger issue.
Yes it may be my interpretation of looking as 'leering' I do admit to feeling a bit paranoid after the teen bodies thing. Thats the thing he doesn't check out women "an awful lot". Its been the checkout girl, the teen bodies search and now the diary which was written 8 years ago. I've know him for 4. He does pay me lots of attention and is always telling me how beautiful and sexy I am.
Is the husband lusting after 14 year old girls regularly? I didn't get that from this thread. All we know is that the husband wrote one diary entry about thinking a girl looked older than she was, looked sexy and he wished she was at least 17. Does it mean that the husband like them young? Yes, but by what he wrote he likes them legal too. We also know that the husband leers (or maybe just notices?) attractive check out girls. Well how old are these girls? My guess is that they are likely at least of legal age to consent to a sexual relationship. Sure his behavior may be a little creepy and perverted due to the age gap; however, his desires appear to be legal.
I think the bigger issue here is that the husband seems to be checking out other women an awful lot. Would the OP feel any better if he's constantly leering at 40 year old MILFS? Most porn showcases women that are 18 -22 years of age. Most would think the husband was a little perverted (or stupid) to go after women who are 18 - 22 because it looks like a perverted older man looking for younger girls.
I don't think the husband is at risk of being a pedophile, but I do think the husband is not paying enough attention to his own wife and making her feel attractive and desirable. This, IMO, is the bigger issue.
No, I don't think I misread the original post. I read it carefully. I think the OP has reason to be concerned.
I will say that this thread makes me wish that my little princess never goes through puberty. I think it is important to remember that a "teenage body" is someone else's princess. And if she is not, then that is really sad. I stand by my belief that someone who willingly searches for pictures of "teenage bodies" is preying on individuals who are more vulnerable than himself.
I'm leaving this thread. People will justify anything to makes themselves feel better.
Suppose it was her writing in her diary how she sometimes fantasizes about her 16 yr old son's high school friend's sexy, lean body,and how hard his d!ck might be.
Suppose her husband had stumbled upon it in the same way she had "stumbled" upon his.
What would you have told her " typical" middle aged husband, if he was the original poster instead of her?
I think you went a little overboard with the graphics there but i would basically tell him the same thing! I'm under no illusion that women don't look at fit guys. They do! Any married man who isn't aware that the muscular naked torso of the pool boy is eye candy for the wifey is naive. It about what she does, or doesn't do, about it that matters. You cannot control the dynamics of attractions. You can only play it so that you come out on top.
Do you think married women don't have similar thoughts about fit guys? They do. I work mainly with women (so much so that i'm often some sort of a mascot for them). When they let the mask down and start talking to each other, sometimes its a real eye opener.
But what they don't do is write down this crap for someone to read. The thoughts though... Those are there!
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Well I wish he had said that costa instead of just walking away. No I'm not going to keep at it.
I was expecting at least a "don't be bloody stupid it was just something written in a diary years ago".
He was probably to embarrassed about it to say much of anything. It's not like you gave him much time to come up with a coherent speech. His insistence on "she looked older" was due to his fear that you would think him a pedophile or something.
But the real point is this:
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but I do think the husband is not paying enough attention to his own wife and making her feel attractive and desirable. This, IMO, is the bigger issue.
This is the real thing you guys should be working at.
No, I don't think I misread the original post. I read it carefully. I think the OP has reason to be concerned.
I will say that this thread makes me wish that my little princess never goes through puberty. I think it is important to remember that a "teenage body" is someone else's princess. And if she is not, then that is really sad. I stand by my belief that someone who willingly searches for pictures of "teenage bodies" is preying on individuals who are more vulnerable than himself.
I'm leaving this thread. People will justify anything to makes themselves feel better.
Sure she should be concerned that her husband is checking out women too much. But throughout this entire thread I haven't seen an instance where the husband was actively seeking out 14 year old girls to lust after or worse try to have physical contact with them. We know of one diary entry where he acknowledges liking the way a 14 year old girl looks and wishing she was older. Perverted? Yes. Risk to adolescent girls? IMO, no because the age of the girl was a "turn off" based on what he wrote.
I have 2 daughters of my own and both my wife and I realize that there is no way we can possibly shield their innocence 100% from outside influences. Predators will be floating around and there isn't anything we can do about except for talk to our kids and teach them about the consequences of talking with strangers or putting themselves in dangerous situations. Also, my wife and I make sure that our girls are not walking around dressed like "****s in training". Too many parents surprisingly don't care how inappropriately dressed their daughters are going out in public.
If your comments are directed at me, then I think you are completely wrong about me trying to justify this. I want to look at the facts and try to determine what his most likely thoughts are on this. I personally do not go lusting after adolescent girls and it makes me sick to think of any girl in a sexual way who is not at least 18 years old. But I say again that if you ever became a mind reader, you would be greatly disappointed in what thoughts people squirrel away in their minds that they don't let out for others to see.
He couldn't pay me more attention if he tried so I can't complain on that score.
I think he thinks if he doesn't say anything (any topic he doesn't want to discuss) it will get forgotten about. I prefer to talk and talk till something is resolved, if it can be.
Anyway I sent him a message at work saying that as he wouldn't talk yesterday I thought I'd text instead. I got a reply saying "yes we'll talk later".
I want to look at the facts and try to determine what his most likely thoughts are on this. I personally do not go lusting after adolescent girls and it makes me sick to think of any girl in a sexual way who is not at least 18 years old. But I say again that if you ever became a mind reader, you would be greatly disappointed in what thoughts people squirrel away in their minds that they don't let out for others to see.
Thank you plan 9. That's what I'm trying to do, stick to the facts I know. Well I will see what he has to say when he comes home.
OP, i know exactly how you feel. I've been through this with my husband. It hurts. My husband explains it like costa does.
This is how I see it: When I see a teenage boy, I think of someone's son or maybe a potential bf for my daughter. I don't think of them sexually. I don't care how good looking they may be. I would think poorly of myself if I had such thoughts. It would make me feel old and that I was taking advantage of a child. And what would his parents think of me? OMG!
My question is...
If sexual attraction cannot be controlled, or we can't help what attracts us, what about those who are attracted to children without secondary sex characteristics?
If men are wired to be attacted to youthful women, why are some different? I've know plenty of men that aren't that way...like Caribbean Man here for an example. Does that mean that those men are more evolved? It does seem to me that if those wired male "instrincts" aren't there, that would make us more evolved from the rest of the animal kingdom. Isn't that what we'd like to think? We are better than mere animals because we aren't controlled by instincts? We have a conscience?
OP, I found out my husband did have a sexual relationship with a 19 year old girl that worked for him when he was 40. It made me literally sick. I guess a lot of men here would pat him on the back...I'm guessing a lot of women here would feel like I did..I lost some respect for him..and I'm always insecure about my age and looks now.
I just have to accept this explanation of how we are wired differently and have instincts.....or else, be alone.
If sexual attraction cannot be controlled, or we can't help what attracts us, what about those who are attracted to children without secondary sex characteristics?
you do realize that whether through nature or nurture (or lack of that is), that this is essentially true. It's why child sex offenders have such a high rate of recurrence. They feel compelled to do it due to the strong attraction and desire, most pedo's will admit it's wrong but do it anyways.
Not that in any way does this excuse the behavior nor exclude them from proper punishment, children need to be protected
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Re: Has my husband got a thing about teens? 
