General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Ya, but this guy's being excused because the girl looked almost 18, as if that somehow makes it any better...So what? Chances are, she wasn't trying to attract 40 year olds. I know that I certainly wasn't at that age!
OP, if you want your man to stop ogling other women or leering or whatever, even if it IS just the odd time or two, PM me. I've got the perfect solution for THAT. LMAO!
I'm not reading all the responses yet, and am short on time at the moment.
Your husband is attracted to young girls, yes. The fact that it moved beyond mere fantasy to actual fantasizing about a 14 y.o. is extremely worrisome. It's only slightly reassuring that he stated "if she was 17 I could cope with that" because it *still* indicates he'd be willing to cross a line, though it gives an idea of how much.
Confronting him will not change what appeals to him. Nothing will change that.
Whether he will ever act upon (or whether he already has, in fact) is a different question altogether. He won't give an honest answer if he would or has, so it's pointless to ask him.
Only you can decide if you are willing to take the risk of being married to a man who has pedophile tendencies. These tendencies are far more common than you'd guess - I'd estimate at least one in every ten men has them based on my own experiences and research.
What's that statistic when it comes to women kathy? Because I know there are some pretty sick women out there too. Its not just limited to men. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm not reading all the responses yet, and am short on time at the moment.
Your husband is attracted to young girls, yes. The fact that it moved beyond mere fantasy to actual fantasizing about a 14 y.o. is extremely worrisome. It's only slightly reassuring that he stated "if she was 17 I could cope with that" because it *still* indicates he'd be willing to cross a line, though it gives an idea of how much.
Confronting him will not change what appeals to him. Nothing will change that.
Whether he will ever act upon (or whether he already has, in fact) is a different question altogether. He won't give an honest answer if he would or has, so it's pointless to ask him.
Only you can decide if you are willing to take the risk of being married to a man who has pedophile tendencies. These tendencies are far more common than you'd guess - I'd estimate at least one in every ten men has them based on my own experiences and research.
........and it sickens me.
Its like a pernicious wilt, taking over the society.
The problem with these guys is that something is wrong with their wiring.
My feeling is that they cannot fulfil a grown woman's sexual desires so that they need young , flesh to make them feel like a man.
The scent of bubble gum & cotton candy turns them on.
I'm getting that people are confusing morality with biological impulses. A biological impulse isn't aways moral. Morality is the result of upper thought processes. Sexual attraction is controlled by a very primitive part of our brains.
The two are not the same and are often contradictory.
Quote:
If sexual attraction cannot be controlled, or we can't help what attracts us, what about those who are attracted to children without secondary sex characteristics?
If men are wired to be attacted to youthful women, why are some different?
Totally different situation. The OP's husband showed no pedophile tendencies. The reason why some people are pedophiles (women too, not only men) is a hard one. Humans have all sorts of sexual behaviors and tendencies. Some are so borderline that we think of them as disgusting/repulsive.
But pedophiles are one of the best proofs that we cannot help ourselves in what we find attractive. I don't think anyone would choose to be one.
Quote:
I've know plenty of men that aren't that way...like Caribbean Man here for an example. Does that mean that those men are more evolved? It does seem to me that if those wired male "instrincts" aren't there, that would make us more evolved from the rest of the animal kingdom. Isn't that what we'd like to think? We are better than mere animals because we aren't controlled by instincts? We have a conscience?
That's what we like to think about ourselves. But it just ain't so. Bellow the multiple layers of our social constructs there are the same animal urges that we see in the rest of the primates. We are very complex on HOW we do things. We are not so complex on the WHY we do things.
But lets not make this all about men. Women have the same underlining biological conditions. That's why many are "inexplicably" attracted to men that they know are no good (rather their upper thought process does). That's why the "nice guy" only gets hottest girl around in the movies.
Personally, as someone with a background in the biological sciences, i find it really hard to mark something that separate us from the rest of the mammals in regards to attraction. We follow the same script that our closer cousins follow.
Quote:
OP, I found out my husband did have a sexual relationship with a 19 year old girl that worked for him when he was 40. It made me literally sick. I guess a lot of men here would pat him on the back...I'm guessing a lot of women here would feel like I did..I lost some respect for him..and I'm always insecure about my age and looks now.
Don't be. There is a lot more to a woman than her external shell. Or we all would be going after younger pretty hollow head women. Men are not THAT simple.
I'm skipping pages of replies here, too, so apologies if I've missed some additional nuances...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caribbean Man
........and it sickens me.
Its like a pernicious wilt, taking over the society.
The problem with these guys is that something is wrong with their wiring.
My feeling is that they cannot fulfil a grown woman's sexual desires so that they need young , flesh to make them feel like a man.
The scent of bubble gum & cotton candy turns them on.
I think that, in most cases, you're reading too much into what someone finds visually appealing. Let me illustrate with some examples.
When I was around 28-ish, my friends and I were weekend regulars at a restaurant. We had a regular waiter that we were on good terms with. I'd noticed a cute hostess a few times we'd been in and asked our waiter, "Fill me on on the hostess." "The cute blonde?"
"Yeah." "The one in the black dress?"
"Yeah." "The one with the nice a$$?"
"Yeah." "The one who's 17?"
"Whoops! Never mind."
It didn't mean that she was any less physically attractive to me. Just that that attraction would never be acted upon.
Going into an example that, even without age as a factor, falls outside the bounds of reality:
I'm a sucker for cute redheads. When the show Castle debuted, I immediately noticed Molly Quinn, the actress who plays the title character's daughter. Knowing how casting for teen characters normally works in Hollywood (ex: Charisma Carpenter was pushing 30 when she began playing high school sophomore Cordelia Chase on Buffy the Vampire Slayer), I figured she was probably 22-23. I soon came to learn that she was, at the time, 16, the same age as her character. It was quite a shock, but doesn't mean that her "look" is any less one that I find attractive.
I heard it said once that our musical tastes lock in by the time we hit 18-20. I think the same goes for the type of people we find attractive. Generally speaking, as we mature, we learn to not restrict ourselves and look at a much larger spectrum and/or apply our preferences with a little more...what to call it?..."age equivalence."
So, to me, the journal comments by the OP's husband are equivalent to me thinking, "I'm a bad, bad man." when learning Molly Quinn's age. It's neither his fault nor the girl's that she fits a "look" that he likes. It's to his credit that, upon learning her age, he realized it was a non-starter. That doesn't change the fact that she still fits that "look." Despite what he wrote, I doubt he would have put thoughts into actions if she were of the age of consent...just that he wouldn't feel like the pedophile that some are painting him to be for noticing that she looked like his "type." Posted via Mobile Device
I'm just laughing a bit at this thread. While I know the OP is concerned about her husbands journaling.. and she has every right to be so those shaming her I feel need to stop that. If it bothers her.. then it bothers her and that is all there is to it. Regardless of biological instincts or not.. the point is... her husband has been leering at younger females in her presence. NOT just writing about it or thinking about it.. but outright staring at them as well.. which is quite rude regardless of age. We can discuss pedophilia all month long but the point is.. it makes HER uncomfortable. I think she needs to sit down and discuss this with her husband and let him know how she feels when he does these things.. he may be offended... but if he really didn't mean anything by it... he will be understanding .. or should be at least. Posted via Mobile Device
What's that statistic when it comes to women kathy? Because I know there are some pretty sick women out there too. Its not just limited to men. Posted via Mobile Device
Yeah, there are. My estimate of 1 in 10 is based on my own experiences and research, which has been male approaches for the most part.
I wish I could answer your question well, but I have no idea what the amount of women would be, but judging from the number of news stories I have seen in recent years, it's certainly not treated the same as when men do the same thing - even though both are equalized as far as the actions themselves go. That's where morality trumps that biological urge mentioned by costa200.
I'm just laughing a bit at this thread. While I know the OP is concerned about her husbands journaling.. and she has every right to be so those shaming her I feel need to stop that. If it bothers her.. then it bothers her and that is all there is to it. Regardless of biological instincts or not.. the point is... her husband has been leering at younger females in her presence. NOT just writing about it or thinking about it.. but outright staring at them as well.. which is quite rude regardless of age. We can discuss pedophilia all month long but the point is.. it makes HER uncomfortable. I think she needs to sit down and discuss this with her husband and let him know how she feels when he does these things.. he may be offended... but if he really didn't mean anything by it... he will be understanding .. or should be at least. Posted via Mobile Device
I have to somewhat disagree with you, Gaia (although I completely agree there is no point in shaming the OP). There are two issues she has: One is rude behavior, like you described, but it would be foolish to ignore the fact that his ancient journal pointed to an intention to act on his interest in a much, much younger girl.
Oh I'm not disregarding that fact either kathy which is why I said that the point is.. SHE is uncomfortable and SHE has a right to be. So I see no reason why we should discuss why men or women are attracted to what... but instead feel we should focus on helping her decide what to do. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm just laughing a bit at this thread. While I know the OP is concerned about her husbands journaling.. and she has every right to be so those shaming her I feel need to stop that. If it bothers her.. then it bothers her and that is all there is to it. Regardless of biological instincts or not.. the point is... her husband has been leering at younger females in her presence. NOT just writing about it or thinking about it.. but outright staring at them as well.. which is quite rude regardless of age. We can discuss pedophilia all month long but the point is.. it makes HER uncomfortable. I think she needs to sit down and discuss this with her husband and let him know how she feels when he does these things.. he may be offended... but if he really didn't mean anything by it... he will be understanding .. or should be at least. Posted via Mobile Device
Agreed that, if his looking - regardless of age, regardless of whether or not there's any real intentions behind looking - bothers her, it's an issue that needs to be addressed. Didn't mean to imply otherwise, and I hope no one else was, either. I think we were just trying to forestall a proverbial tarring and feathering. Posted via Mobile Device
I have to somewhat disagree with you, Gaia (although I completely agree there is no point in shaming the OP). There are two issues she has: One is rude behavior, like you described, but it would be foolish to ignore the fact that his ancient journal pointed to an intention to act on his interest in a much, much younger girl.
Based on the excerpts quoted here, I would have to disagree that his journal "pointed to an intention to act on his interest in a much, much younger girl." It clearly pointed to a physical attraction, but it also clearly indicated that he had no intent of acting upon it. In fact, to me, there even an implication that he was somewhat troubled by that attraction due to her being underage.
Let say, though, just for the sake of discussion that I said, "Oh man! If she were just a few years older, I'd be doin' that all day and night til she couldn't move!" I still wouldn't take that as a true intention to act. "Why?" you ask. Because, for example, if you were to read any of my own journal entries from around the time after my wife's PA, it would, by the yardstick you're applying, pointing to an intent to commit vandalism, assault and/or murder. Yet I did none of the above. Posted via Mobile Device
I saw no intention to act on his attraction in the excerpts from his journal that were shared, unless I missed one of them somewhere. It sounded more like what Grayson said... like he wished she were older so he didn't have to feel bad for finding her attractive. That makes sense to me. If that's the case, it also points away from him being an actual pedophile, as pedophiles tend to be attracted to the childish characteristics of their victims, not to their biologically-mature characteristics. It really does sound like the OP's husband was attracted to the latter and then felt somewhat guilty about it when he realized how young she was...just not guilty enough to censor his written recording of his inner dialogue.
That guilt really is a socially-learned mechanism. Times have changed. My grandmother was married at 14 to a man who was a few years older at the time. He died several years later in WWII, but he was the love of her life and she was happy to be going to see him when she died a few months ago.
It's a necessary socially-learned mechanism, though, because the gap between biological maturity and social maturity have gotten much wider. Humans are physically maturing faster now (although boys are still maybe 4 years behind girls for this, which explains why the youngest guy I've ever had to feel guilty for being attracted to was 18, not 14), but socially and mentally...slower than ever. They have to be protected for longer now.
Just because OP's husband is probably not a pedophile doesn't mean there's nothing wrong. I do find it a little strange that his mental "kill switch" (forget who coined that in this thread first) didn't get flipped enough to keep him from mentioning the girl in a second diary entry or to keep him from staring at the retail girl for as long as he did (if he realized her age. either way, yeah, it's rude).
I think how offended or understanding her husband will be depends on how OP approaches the conversation with him. I think I'd be more than just a wee bit offended if my partner believed me capable of something as awful as pedophilia based on such weak evidence. That would be like if my SO suddenly implied that I'm a serial killer because I enjoy reading crime mysteries or something. However, OP's feelings and the issue with staring at girls in front of her need discussion.
111Likes
Re: Has my husband got a thing about teens? 
