rkk

I have been with my husband 15 years.
After the first year I found out his daughter had stolen a bunch of stuff from me.
This is when all sorts of false accusations against me started.
I just wanted to give you that little piece of info.

The last few years my husband has become a real nit picker. And lways putting me down. I finally had it when he complained cause I did not turn the fan on above the stove before I started cooking. It seems like I can not do anything right in his eyes anymore. He even admitted that I do not live up to his expectations. He told me no one in his family likes me.
I do not know what I could have done to make them not like me.
I am not allowed to ask. He said if I bring his family into this he will divorce me right away. I would do anything for any of them if they asked. I would like to know if the reason is based on something I did. Or a lie. I think I have a right to know.
He quit (retired) from his job about 9 months ago, said he was too stressed at his job. He cashed out his retirement and we moved to another state. We have no income. We bought a house and have less than $75,000 left in the bank. I know I have my faults. But do not think I deserve how he treats me. I have a fear of driving when there is a lot of traffic and places that are not familiar. I did not get my drivers license till I was 40 years old. I have been really stressed the last few days. I know it is affecting my health. I have high blood pressure. And it has been high lately. If I tell him that, he would just say I want him to feel sorry for me. thanks for any advice.

bluelaser

How did you guys manage to buy a house without an income?
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SunnyT

Why not get a job, go to school, work toward a career that builds YOU up? What is keeping you there with someone who seems to not like you?

Let go of what he thinks. Whether your plan is to stay married or not, you have to believe in yourself no matter what someone else says. So get yourself in a good place, be independent, do what is within your power to make your life better. Either he will appreciate the new-improved you.... or he won't. But you've got nothing to lose as it stands.

Quit worrying so much about what he thinks of you, and work on improving what YOU think of you!

rkk

We paid cash with some of his retirement cashout to buy the house. $90,000

KathyBatesel

He can bring his family into arguments to make you feel bad, and if you bring them in it's divorce-worthy. He has an expectation that he can set expectations for you. He won't even let you cook food without dictating how it's done.

You are right that you don't deserve to be mistreated, even if you don't meet his expectations. As far as what his family thinks, that is between you and them. They are adults, you're an adult. Tell him if they have a problem with you, you're capable of discussing it with them anytime, but that you will not listen to snipe attacks.

You want to stay in this relationship.... why?

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CommittedHusband

This

rkk

Thanks, I worked in food service 8 years and was a volunteer at the local law enforcement for 10 years.

I did tell my husband that if they do not like me I have a right to know why. I found a good article about men and nit picking and criticizing. I gave him the link. I think he read it. He was in a better mood. We will see. I just want to get things worked out. Neither of us has family close by. If he could get past nit picking at everything. It would be good. He is a perfectionist. He needs to learn to just not let some things bother him. Mental illness does run in his family.

tryingtobebetter

I am a perfectionist too and think it can drive my wife mad. It is something I was born with - there are others in the family. I think I am better than I was as a result of my wife putting up with it and just quietly loving me. Unless he is starting a serious mental illness the best policy may just to be as pleasant as you can but inside your own head try to let it wash over you (maybe just say to yourself when he is trying : there goes that perfectionist gene again?)

Good luck

KathyBatesel

When a problem crops up, it's a bit like this:

I'm Unhappy = MY problem.
He's Unhappy = HIS problem.
We're both unhappy = OUR problem.

You can choose to let his problems be his problems. If you get unhappy that he's unhappy, the problem gets bigger. Sometimes that can be a good thing, but in many cases it simply becomes a power struggle. If you can avoid taking it personally, it might defuse the situation for you, but he might let HIS problem grow.

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rkk

I quietly put up with it a lot. Sometimes it gets to a point where I have had all I can take. One thing I put up with is his smoking. I hate it. Put do not complain about it. I am usually very easy going. Takes a lot to get me mad. That day it was every few minutes it was something. Even a spot of water on the floor from taking a dish out of the dish washer. He points, whats that? It would be nice if every now and then just say something nice. I think he is getting worse about it lately. I will be glad when he goes back to work. After we get the house fixed up the way we want we are both going back to work.