General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My wife and I have been together almost 20 years married 10. We have been a bit up and down in the last couple years. Then on June 6, my wife tells me she loves me but not in love with me. I knew something was going on in the last couple months because she would hold on to her phone like mother goose with a golden egg. And she was miserable. So I checked the phone bill and saw texts to a number I didn't know. I called the number and and voice mail gave me his name, turns out I meet him at my mother’s wake, my mom died two week before that, he came with the people she works with. So I confronted her about it right away and she admitted that she had been texting back and forth with this man for two months. 25 messages on June 5 the day before she told me, and over 175 total. My first instinct was to leave. I was so hurt, and so pissed I couldn't even look at her. I asked her if she ever met up with him and she said no. It was only texting and nothing sexual, just a little flirting. He by the way is married with children. Before all this happened she joined a Gym she leaves the house at 4:30 every morning and gets up at 3:10 she lost about 20 lbs and looks good I think he told her everything she wanted to hear.
Now, I have read some other posts on here so I know what a lot of people say about the emotional affairs and such. And I know a lot of people will say b.s. she's met up with him at some point. I don't know if this was an emotional affair, but I'll tell you, it hurts almost as bad as if she was sleeping with him. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive about it. From calming down a little and talking with her I am 95% sure that I found out before it went past texting (I checked phone records, facebook, and no phone calls or facebook messages were made, just texts that I can see). She thinks she did nothing wrong and I should drop it. I explained to her that she had broken the trust between us, and how do I know that I could believe her now. I'm so confused. My anxiety is through the roof right now.
So after thinking about it for day and getting over my initial rage about it, I told her calmly yesterday that first, all contact with this guy was to stop right away or I was gone. And I told her that if our marriage was going to work we needed no more secrets between us. Also, I told her that I did not want to share her with anyone else, emotionally or physically. End of story. She says she wants to stay in our marriage and try to get her feelings back for me. What Do you guys think I did the right thing? I am still feeling really wounded by this. Any other opinions/suggestions?
Tell his wife. Make sure your wife knows you mean business. Do not get manipulated. That is alot of texting. Be firm and tell her you will talk to her employer. Most employers will not tolerate a work affair. It causes way to much drama on the job and drastically cuts down productivity because everyone gets involved. She will say you are crazy, jealous etc.... You are simply saving your marriage. It has to stop.
After the talk you better check and double check on her.
Your wife should not be texting another man on a daiy basis, this is an EA, you did the right thing addressing her head on and setting the boundary thats not to be stepped over. "She loves you but not in love with you", your not just her friend, she can't have her cake & eat it as well, you need to keep your finger on the pulse to be sure she puts a stop to this behaviour. Only then will you both be able to address your marital problems and work on them, maybe help from a MC is also in order.
So after thinking about it for day and getting over my initial rage about it, I told her calmly yesterday that first, all contact with this guy was to stop right away or I was gone. And I told her that if our marriage was going to work we needed no more secrets between us. Also, I told her that I did not want to share her with anyone else, emotionally or physically. End of story. She says she wants to stay in our marriage and try to get her feelings back for me. What Do you guys think I did the right thing? I am still feeling really wounded by this. Any other opinions/suggestions?
Good start. NC is a must. Inform his W too.
She was getting her needs filled by someone else, your both need to figure out what and why that was. Order this book. It will help you see why your here and how to get out of it. READ IT.
Expose to his wife. You can undelete your wife messages from her phone. Try doing that.
Also, they might be using other chat applications to talk with one another using data plan or over wifi.(considering how she was with her phone). Texting like this does not appear on account records. See if you can snoop and get your wife's email and facebook passwords and check her messages. . You need the total truth to make a proper decision. Good luck. Trust but verify everything she says. You cannot believe anything she says for a couple of months. Verify everything
You need to expose to his wife. First to protect your marriage by getting him to dump your wife to save himself, and second because his wife deserves to know her husband is in an emotional affair that might go to PA.
Do not threaten or warn that you are doing this, just do it and keep it to yourself, give your contact info to the OMW so she can talk to you if she finds out more stuff.
Do not negotiate on anykind of continued contact and do not accept her tslking time away to have space. Both are just tactics used by cheaters to continue the affair.
If your wife wants out of your marriage and to be with this other guy but is not certain that he will give up on his family to be with her, then she will do everything she possibly can to keep you on board as her Plan B, her back-up plan.
This means she will lie through her teeth and deny until the end of the world what is actually going on and betray everything that went on with you right up to the day she fell for him. This will be because she is a coward who will not leave you until she has another man to be with and another place to go to.
Whatever transpires, as to whether she really has given up on OM or not, you have massive problems in your relationship with your wife. She most certainly wants out of your marriage, there is absolutely no doubt about that and if it doesn’t happen today, it will happen in the future unless she totally commits to overcoming the problems between the two of you and making the marriage a happy and healthy one.
You should ask the Mods to move your thread to Coping with Infidelity, you’ll find a massive amount of help there. Just click on the triangle, bottom left.
^ You really are better served by deleting your post here and reposting in a “New Thread” (top left hand corner) in Coping with Infidelity. There’s a massive amount of experience there and many people helping out specifically with infidelity. Good luck.
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wife texting a married man 
