General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
How do most couples balance the problem of well you just bought a $1,000 purse, so I should get $1,000 to spend on myself then too?
I have an issue currently where I was hoping to upgrade my vehicle after 6 years. It is "my" vehicle, but because it is a SUV we definitely use it together lots.
My wife's response was she was 100% against this. If I went ahead, she would start a war. I do not want that obviously.
She then went on to state if I spent $20,000 on a new vehicle, then she would have $20,000 to spend on herself.
I guess I just don't quite understand the logic fully. If she buys a pair of shoes for $200, I do not mark that down and say"ok, I have $200 to spend on myself now this month". Its kind of just back and forth, and only when there are larger items do we discuss together. I don't need to approve or discuss my wife spending $200 on shoes.
She feels she has said no too many times, which I disagree with, but I guess that is why maybe she feels that if I spend $20,000 on "myself", then she gets too as well. Just seems like an odd statement from a "team member", but perhaps I am missing the point of all of this.
Thank you for any comments you have. They are very appreciated.
Two older vehicles, but she treasures them both. She had one and then wanted to get one for winter, and store her car. I said sure so we bought her a winter SUV. Total value of her 2 vehicles compared to my current one is prob same ($20,000). I want to spend $30,000 on new one though (with my trade in). So then I would own a $50,000 vehicle compared to her $20,000 2 vehicles.
I earn 75% of total income, she is 25%. She wanted 4 days a week, I agreed and we obviously took an income hit then.
Are the vehicles she drive in her name only and yours in your name only?
Do you have children? Is that why she only works 4 days a week?
You should not buy a new vehicle until the two of you can come to agreement on it. When would you be able to buy a new vehicle for her to drive that is about the same value?
Does your wife really spend $1000 on a purse? What you might want to do is to go through your bank and credit cards and add up how much each of you spends on yourself. If you can show that the difference of what you have spent on your self over the years and what she has spent a huge sum on extravagant things list $1000 purses and it adds up to the $30,000 you will be spending on a new vehicle, by all means show her this.
Now to answer the rest of your question.. how to handle her spending $$$ vs your spending $$$...
The following is a very fair way to structure your finances... all income goes into a joint account..
Set up both of your pay so that you both maximize any kind of 401K or retirement investment at work. This way it is before taxes, happens automatically and you get the company matchings.
The have about 10% of each of your income deposited into a joint savings account... this is for emergencies etc.
Have the rest of both of your pay checks deposted into a joint account.
Pay all of your bills from this account. In this case your auto loan would be paid as it's a joint marital asset.
Now you have the rest of your joint income... that's spending money. YOu each get 50% of that as your own money. you can each open up a separate account for this money.
She can buy all of the $1000 purse and $200 shoes she want out of her half. Credit cards are only allowed if they are paid off in full each month.
Even though the two of you can have seperate accounts for your own mad money... there is full transparency. You can both see each other's accounts, credit cards, etc. But neither of you can complain about how the other spends or saves their own mad money.
I suggest that you get the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich". It's a very good read and could help you two.
Why not split the household expenses evenly and then whatever is
Left of your own you spend as you see fit. Posted via Mobile Device
Selfishly this would be great for me, but I cannot see going from a joint arrangement to this after several years of marriage and not pretty much putting the writing on the wall.
Probably 6 years until we could same for her, but she doesnt want that. She is very happy with her current setup.
I definitely spend more overall, based on the fact my clothing for work is much more than hers. But I make six figures, and with that comes a want, expectation, whatever it is that I feel I need to dress a certain way. Overall I definitely spend more than her in a year, but she does not want for a lot. She does say no to things more than I, and I respect that. So when she wants two $1000 purses, or 2 vehicles, then I am more than happy to agree.
We pretty much follow the joint suggestion below. No issues until the last year when she feels I am getting things al the time and she is not. I guess I have never kept tabs before and maybe I should have. But if she wants to take a trip, great go if we can afford it. I don't necessarily then instantly think, well I guess I get a trip then. She does think like that. I just think its odd.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl
Are the vehicles she drive in her name only and yours in your name only?
Do you have children? Is that why she only works 4 days a week?
You should not buy a new vehicle until the two of you can come to agreement on it. When would you be able to buy a new vehicle for her to drive that is about the same value?
Does your wife really spend $1000 on a purse? What you might want to do is to go through your bank and credit cards and add up how much each of you spends on yourself. If you can show that the difference of what you have spent on your self over the years and what she has spent a huge sum on extravagant things list $1000 purses and it adds up to the $30,000 you will be spending on a new vehicle, by all means show her this.
Now to answer the rest of your question.. how to handle her spending $$$ vs your spending $$$...
The following is a very fair way to structure your finances... all income goes into a joint account..
Set up both of your pay so that you both maximize any kind of 401K or retirement investment at work. This way it is before taxes, happens automatically and you get the company matchings.
The have about 10% of each of your income deposited into a joint savings account... this is for emergencies etc.
Have the rest of both of your pay checks deposted into a joint account.
Pay all of your bills from this account. In this case your auto loan would be paid as it's a joint marital asset.
Now you have the rest of your joint income... that's spending money. YOu each get 50% of that as your own money. you can each open up a separate account for this money.
She can buy all of the $1000 purse and $200 shoes she want out of her half. Credit cards are only allowed if they are paid off in full each month.
Even though the two of you can have seperate accounts for your own mad money... there is full transparency. You can both see each other's accounts, credit cards, etc. But neither of you can complain about how the other spends or saves their own mad money.
I suggest that you get the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich". It's a very good read and could help you two.
Ok OP... this is my suggestion. Why not have one joint account where you each put money in for any bills and necessities... then each have your own account for you money?
My SO and I plan to have this arrangement. Right now he is the only one working so we use his account BUT he is helping me apply for a job soon and we have already discussed how to split the finances. His truck needs fixingg up as well and with the job I plan to get... I will be making more then he does.
Even so... to me this just means I can set more aside to pay for our bills and any other things we may need. Regardless of who makes what... we both see it as our money and we both plan to help eachother out. I would certainly not pull a... "ok you spent X amount on this so I get X amount for later". No... whatever we have in our SEPERATE accounts is what we have to spend on playthings. That's just us though. Posted via Mobile Device
Probably 6 years until we could same for her, but she doesnt want that. She is very happy with her current setup.
I definitely spend more overall, based on the fact my clothing for work is much more than hers. But I make six figures, and with that comes a want, expectation, whatever it is that I feel I need to dress a certain way. Overall I definitely spend more than her in a year, but she does not want for a lot. She does say no to things more than I, and I respect that. So when she wants two $1000 purses, or 2 vehicles, then I am more than happy to agree.
We pretty much follow the joint suggestion below. No issues until the last year when she feels I am getting things al the time and she is not. I guess I have never kept tabs before and maybe I should have. But if she wants to take a trip, great go if we can afford it. I don't necessarily then instantly think, well I guess I get a trip then. She does think like that. I just think its odd.
It does sound like she thinks she is getting the short end of the stick even though she earns much less than you do. I strongly believe that in marriage all income belongs to both of you as that is marriage law in most places in the USA. If it's different where you live then that would be considered as well.
If you spend a lot more on yourself and then buy yourself a 50K auto.. and she has two vechicle, each valued at 10K. That is a significant difference in the kind of auto you each drive.
Could you trade in all of the vihilcels and buy both of you new cars? Or maybe instead of new buy slighly used... thus saving quite a bit on each vehicle.
You are more of a spender on yourself than she is and she's starting to get fed-up. Now you want to up the ante in a big way with a significant vehicle upgrade.
Time for compromise - what would she prefer to do with the money ? Can you spend less to ensure your vehicle is paid for before hers need replacing so she can have the next upgrade ?
If you are financing the car then its really only the monthly payment that is an extra that she should have to be 'equal' or if you agree a rolling programme of vehicle replacements then only the 'excessive' amount you want to spend
I do suspect you are a bit more extravagant than you are letting on here and the different attitude to money in general is behind this rather than just the new car
I think that the solution would likely be a mutual agreement to some very basic financial principles that are framed in a way that it isn't gender-specific. My wife and I were fortunate that our incomes were relatively low when we started out. We agreed on some basics, and have stuck to them, despite the income growth.
I'll admit that we are minimilist in our needs, although I'm in a threshold executive position now, and she is a nurse practicioner. Your standards should be your standards, though.
We agreed that we would both like to buy new cars, since my job allows me to buy several domestic brands at cost (I work in the auto industry in new product development), but we also put a low cap on the expense of the car model, and an understanding that we would only have one car each. In other words, we wanted practical vehicles. Along with the expectation that we'd own it until it hit XX number of miles. We agreed on expectations for brands and values of items we would buy. Your plan should be your plan, though, based upon what the two of you agree upon as a couple. I think it is also important to keep all of this in the context of your goal for the total cash value of your planned retirement portfolio. My wife and I have a very serious set of goals for retirement, and we've grown through the years in our maturity in keeping daily expenses within this context.
Lastly, we agreed on how we would treat "fun money". Each of us got to decide on a rough amount of money that we would call a splurge account.
I guess I could sum it up by saying that we agreed upon a financial vision as a couple. We had to work through the usual disagreements, though, so I would not want to suggest that we didn't have the same feelings that you are going through. But it sounds like you may be asking more of how to have harmony with your wife in the way that the two of you spend. Based upon any spiritual or religious beliefs that either of you may have, you could also use the topic to talk about how you want to impact others in your community when you have excess.
I also believe that it's a good idea to agree all major purchases in a relationship, as they invariably affect the family budget as a whole.
Are you ok with her only working 4 days a week and earning much less?
I'm going to disagree with the others to an extent. Yes, it is shared money, but I can see someone in a nice office job making good money buying more expensive clothes. My office at one time expected suits. Dressing down from that would have Bern frowned upon. Also if she gets 1000 purses and such, she us getting nice things too. Wow, a 1000 purse! I thought only the very wealthy had items like that!
I just feel that sometimes the person making less money feels entitled and is not realistic about finances.
Also i don't know why someone without children can only work 4 days a week. If she wants nicer things, then she could work a bit more. Posted via Mobile Device
This is just illogical to me. If my husband and I lived that way we'd have to claim bankruptcy. Your wife sounds like an entitled princess who wants everything to be 'fair'. Okay so lets assume for a second that you are in fact a spender and she resents that. The answer isn't to throw some tantrum and insist that you GET $20K too. Nope the answer is to have an adult conversation about money where the ultimate goal is win/win. You come to an agreement that is logical, reasonable and makes you both happy.
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How do you balance fairness in Finances? 
with Ellegirl's post #5.
