Am I being controlled??
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-30-2009, 01:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: WV
Posts: 40
Default Am I being controlled??

I have some confusion about what's been going on with somethings that my husband does.

He doesnt tell me what to wear and how to act or anything, but I think he might have some control issues.

I have read a book about controlling men and some of the descriptions fit him, but I am really not sure. Just for an example he acted like this earlier this week and I am not sure if it's controlling.

I asked a friend of mine to go out shopping with me. This friend of mine doesn't care for my husband and he doesn't care for her, he really doesnt care for anyone as far as i can tell, anyways he fought with me for 2 days about how he didnt understand why I would go hang out with someone that doesn't like him and that he just didnt know why I couldn't see his point.

He is always very adamant about me seeing his "point". He never really came out and said I really wouldn't like it if you went out with her. If he would have came up to me with concern and said that then I wouldn't have went.

Well we fought until time to go to sleep then he got up in the middle of the night and sat on the bed quiet, I asked what was wrong and he didnt answer. Then we got in another fight. Well the next day I wondered if the reason we had been fighting was because of my plans, so I told him I wouldnt go. Immediately he was fine. He didnt bring up anything else again and he acted like a totally different person.

I hate to keep analyzing him and I dont want to think bad about him but I keep wondering. My friends all think he is controlling and angry. He bulls behind me when we go anywhere. He is never social or tries to fit in. He thinks everyone else is ousting him and that they are treating him badly. He never makes a point to be friendly to him either.

Anyways, I was just curious if anyone knows anything about these kinds of attitudes in people. I really appreciate any advice. I am very confused and would like to see things clearly for once. Thanks so much.
sunnyday7 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-30-2009, 01:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Blanca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,042
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyday7 View Post
I My friends all think he is controlling and angry.
This is a pretty good indicator that he is. While i can understand him not wanting you to hang out with someone that doesnt like him, if no one likes him, then that reason isnt a very good one. It sounds like he's possessive more then controlling, though.
__________________
"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
Blanca is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-30-2009, 01:58 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: WV
Posts: 40
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

Well he says that he is protective and not possessive. But what happens if I dont need or want to be protected. Most people can not believe that I am married to him, because I am a very good hearted person and he has something to say about everyone and everything. He never enjoys life and I just wonder why he acts that way. thanks for your reply bianca.
sunnyday7 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-30-2009, 02:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
recent_cloud's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: connecticut
Posts: 655
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

i personally feel that everyone has a right to hang out with whomever they want. i may reserve my opinion of you based on the company you keep, however. but that is only if we don't know each other very well.

actually, i can't think of anyone i am truly close to who has a friend i don't like.

another issue i find with what you say is how your husband deals with his displeasure: he argues and pouts until he gets his way.

his behaviour is very immature at best and controlling at worse, and probably both.

you have not only the right to befriend whom you wish, you also have the legitimate expectation that your spouse will support you in any life choices you make, barring of course a choice that may cause you harm, in which case still your husband should only offer his opinion and advice and then allow you as an adult to do what you choose is best.

doesn't this all sound very basic and correct as you read it?
recent_cloud is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-30-2009, 02:26 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: WV
Posts: 40
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

Yes it does!! He often treats me like a child, like I dont have a brain and I dont know the way people really are.

I do agree that I should have the right to hang around with whomever I want, unless of course it's someone thats going to cause harm to our relationship.

It really frustrates me and he just doesnt get it. I am not a nitwit, and I do have a brain. He sometimes comes off like a father figure and I dont think that a husband should be that way.

He has double standards for the way I act in comparison to the way he acts.
For instance, I moved our living room furniture around once. He hated it and jerked it right back around to the way it was b4, throwing a fit as to why he didnt like it that way.

Well a few months later he decided he would rearrange the furniture and he put it back the same way that I had it!! Thats just crazy!! But it was fine when he did it. I dont know if thats typical but it kinda hurt my feelings. Like I am not adequate enough to know how to properly position chairs and a couch!!!
sunnyday7 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-30-2009, 03:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: SE Wisconsin
Posts: 2,457
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

One sign of a controller (and potential abuser) is, isolating his partner. Sounds like this is exactly what your husband is trying to do. Was he very loving and wanted things to move very fast in the early stages of your relationship? Did he "sweep you off your feet"? Once you were married, did his negative, more controlling behaviors become the norm? I think you know the answer to your own question. Protect yourself by staying connected to friends and do not give in to his childish behaviors. you may help him grow up and become more comfortable with himself if you simply laugh off his childish behaviors, go about your business, and show him you can have friends AND love him too. If he becomes more hostile as a result of you sticking to your plans, then maybe it's time to evaluate what type of marriage you are in. Good luck.
sisters359 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-30-2009, 03:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Sensitive's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 560
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

Sometimes I feel my husband treats me like a child. It has become a bad habit. I just pretend to listen to his wishes, and do my own thing anyway. I think some men need their ego stroked and feel they are the dominate male. I need to learn to assert myself more often.
Sensitive is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-30-2009, 03:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
recent_cloud's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: connecticut
Posts: 655
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

as that good ol boy doc phil sez, the trouble with a child/parent dynamic is the child eventually rebels and leaves.

what i always wonder, when i read posts such as yours, is why one falls in love with such a person in the first place. i really don't mean to imply your, or anyones, hubby is not lovable, but didn't any red flags fly when you first noticed this behaviour?

actually,forget i asked. i was married for many years to someone i really didn't know. and that's how it happens, i guess. as kurt vonnegut wrote, 'and so it goes'.

if you don't mind me saying, you have a tough job ahead of you if you wish for your marriage to last because you need to do as you see fit as an adult and walk away from him when he becomes agitated by your behaviour as you would a child throwing a temper tantrum. and if past experience is a predictor of future behaviour, your husband will become more agitated before he starts to realze his tantrums no longer achieve his desired goal, that is, to control you.
recent_cloud is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-30-2009, 04:30 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: WV
Posts: 40
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

The funny thing is recentcloud is I never really paid much attention to that sort of thing before. I could always go back home and not have to deal with it. It didnt really bother me, but now that I live with him and there is no where else for me to really go to I have to put up with it and i dont like it.

Also, he has sought out internet usage, porn and cyber sex with women and I have found he has a profile on adultspace, which is like an adult oriented myspace. He always tries to get women to have phone sex with him. Which is appaling and totally disgusting. I am such a pushover that I just keep taking it.

I would like for things to work out with us, but sometimes I would just like to leave and search for a real man.
sunnyday7 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-30-2009, 04:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 699
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyday7 View Post

Also, he has sought out internet usage, porn and cyber sex with women and I have found he has a profile on adultspace, which is like an adult oriented myspace. He always tries to get women to have phone sex with him. Which is appaling and totally disgusting. I am such a pushover that I just keep taking it.
That needs to stop and it needs to stop yesterday. You need to give him an ultimatum about this behavior right her.
revitalizedhusband is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-30-2009, 04:39 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: WV
Posts: 40
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

I have told him to stop, he says he doesnt do anything. I have left 3 times and he always convinces me to come back. I am really tired of it. I just want some peace and a marriage.

I never thought a marriage could ever be so horrible. I know some people have it a lot worse, but my goodness.
sunnyday7 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-30-2009, 04:42 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
recent_cloud's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: connecticut
Posts: 655
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

i firmly believe that phone sex is cheating. i also firmly belive that cybersex is cheating.

it is not harmless fantasy. it is very real.

based on what you've posted, i won't say here my opinion of your husband.

please re-read the last sentence of your last post. you know what needs to be done.
recent_cloud is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-30-2009, 05:01 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: WV
Posts: 40
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

I have often heard that men with control issues usually have addictions more so then average. I think it is a problem that he has. I asked him one time why he felt he needed to do that, use the internet for his sexual escapades, and he said that he liked to get people to do what he wanted them to do. Weird, I thought.

And yes I think it is cheating as well.
sunnyday7 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-30-2009, 05:29 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
recent_cloud's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: connecticut
Posts: 655
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

well, you've apparently figured out how to leave him; you've accomplished this three times.

based on how unhappy you are in your marriage (to use your words, 'horrible' and 'disgusted') maybe now you need to work on how to not allow him to convince you to come back.

if you don't mind, my guess is that your husband is very manipulative and he uses his manipulative skills (which he practices on with other women) to lure you back.

if you left again (and you no doubt will at some point) what do you think it would take for you to not buy into his manipulative conversations and not return?
recent_cloud is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-01-2009, 09:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: WV
Posts: 40
Default Re: Am I being controlled??

Well he knows I am a nice person, so he starts with how he is depressed and how he is trying to do better. Or how the house won't be same without me and how could I let 10 years go down the drain.

He just makes me feel guilty and I give in. Thanks cloud for all your replies, I really appreciate it
sunnyday7 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Controlled Separation anonymous11 Going Through Divorce or Separation 8 10-09-2011 11:02 AM
Controlled Separation anonymous11 Considering Divorce or Separation 0 09-30-2011 05:25 PM
Controlled = abused? sen78 The Ladies' Lounge 2 08-12-2011 01:53 PM
Controlled Separation BIP Going Through Divorce or Separation 8 04-15-2011 09:11 PM
Am I being controlled? hawks General Relationship Discussion 23 09-22-2010 01:05 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:11 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.