Inappropriate text from wife to man at work
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Old 08-12-2012, 12:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Inappropriate text from wife to man at work

Inappropriate text from wife to man at work

So heres the the story and some advice from people would be appreciated.

April - June I was letting my wife have coffee and talk to another man (single, same age) as a friend from work, ive met him at dinners (tried to set him up with other people). Coffee might involve other people or the two of them. If they saw each other at the gym then they would work out together and she would tell me, which is cool, communication. I also knew that there was some communication going on as well (as friends), hes from South America so hes more open and she told me she was trying to set him up with other people (hes bisexual). Sharing of books etc. I know I know, but im not going to live my life if i cant have 100% faith in my mate and our love.

I thought we had a good marriage was having lots of sex, and showing signs of love (going out of your way to make her happy), send flowers etc etc. BUT Im not an emotional touchy feely person always holding on to you 100% of the time, people need some space (but i do show affection) and hes more spiritual (Buddha Earth kind of way) (which she says she was attracted too) and maybe I could have listened to her needs more. Sometimes i sleep in the basement, Ive had some childhood trauma so sometimes i think i need to be alone and i told her everything about it.

Anyhow July 1st I said enough is enough and I wanted her to come clean because I felt a change in her love to me. She said hes just a friend and said no problem to letting him go. BUT Ive known her for many years (11 years married and 5 years dating) I felt it in my bones she was lying but she still didnt want to talk about it and I never pushed her to see any of the text, facebook etc. I know I know

So I found these text 2 weeks ago by total accident. (after the no contact do you want to ruin our marriage talk) (from July 22nd to July 28th). I told her i was in her email to look for banking info and saw that he posted in her facebook. So I asked why if its over and would like to see. She refused then after 5 min she said go ahead look.

From her: with other ones (not going to post) that she did during the last two weekends which were family vacations, I wont bore you. She says it started to change directions in June.

“I wanted to thank you for helping me find my keys the other day... I was plesantly surprised to see you come in when you did (as your meeting was cancelled... lucky for me) You see, we are in sync!!! It seems you are always helping me... Is there anything I could do for you??”

“Finally, if a spiritual connection is what you sought, you know you already have my heart and soul (i'm sorry if i love perceiving with my senses... But don't worry I won't jump your bones!!! He! He!)I really hope we reconnect later, but most of all, I hope that we don't loose our current connection, as spiritual beings and earthly friends” “ With lots of love xoxo”

Him (he hardly messages her)
You are not only my friend but i feel you are my family. It hit me deeply knowing that we will have to refrain ourselves from expressing our feelings…. I would have loved to become part of your life… of your human existence you are in my heart and will always be there ) ALWAYS…. in that very special place where meaningful people live…… i will NEVER forget you.. EVER, EVER…

Being distant from you would cause me A LOT OF pain.

Her reply -
Hola!!!!! Hola!!!!

Keep messaging baby! I love it !!!!!
I hope you enjoy your massage, as I am sure you could use it!!!! I like her for the quality of the massage...just make sure to tell her to go deep! I also like her because she does not talk too much.... Allowing you to enjoy!!!! She's a great lady!!!
Enjoy!!!!!
LOL,

Then she was planning a trip to see him “as a friend” in Toronto at a conference. She was texting him beside me in the car and asking me about which date to come home and I didnt even know what she was doing.
“However, i just realized that i won't stay in Toronto, unless you promise to do something with me on Saturday afertoon and evening !!”

“If your still in TO, can you check if there is anything going on Sat. Nov. 17rh? And could you let me know if that works for you or not ASAP, as i need to book my flight, conference etc... Thanks again my dear friend”

He never replied

It was more one sided on her part with him hardly replying and he also started seeing someone.

Anyhow confused about everything. Any advice. She even invited him to our house for my birthday party on July 1st, I knew something was up when he couldnt look me in the eyes and shake my hand like a man.
A little flirting on the side or emotional affair. She did say that she told him after are talk on July 1st that she would never cheat on me physically and would sometimes talk about me.
How worried should i be?? She says its now done and seems relieved about it but she said this before and can it be that easy??????
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Old 08-12-2012, 01:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inappropriate text from wife to man at work

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Originally Posted by northofus View Post
Inappropriate text from wife to man at work

So heres the the story and some advice from people would be appreciated.

April - June I was letting my wife have coffee and talk to another man (single, same age) as a friend from work, ive met him at dinners (tried to set him up with other people).

Bad idea. Invites issues needlessly. Why were you so nice about this? Lets see where this leads now.

Coffee might involve other people or the two of them. If they saw each other at the gym then they would work out together and she would tell me, which is cool, communication.

Them hanging out together. Bad idea. This promotes, scheduling to meet at the gym to workout. Ugh. It is one thing to say hi but another to workout together. Again. Ugh.

I also knew that there was some communication going on as well (as friends), hes from South America so hes more open and she told me she was trying to set him up with other people (hes bisexual). Sharing of books etc. I know I know, but im not going to live my life if i cant have 100% faith in my mate and our love.

More Ugh. WTH is wrong with you? Gee I wonder how much more inappropriate this gets? You know typically bad things come from having poor boundaries. This is one bad idea after another ...

I thought we had a good marriage was having lots of sex, and showing signs of love (going out of your way to make her happy), send flowers etc etc. BUT Im not an emotional touchy feely person always holding on to you 100% of the time, people need some space (but i do show affection) and hes more spiritual (Buddha Earth kind of way) (which she says she was attracted too) and maybe I could have listened to her needs more. Sometimes i sleep in the basement, Ive had some childhood trauma so sometimes i think i need to be alone and i told her everything about it.

Wow. So you do have issues. Sorry about this. But this is more about your wife being in harms way than anyhting else. Boundaries dude!!

Anyhow July 1st I said enough is enough and I wanted her to come clean because I felt a change in her love to me. She said hes just a friend and said no problem to letting him go. BUT Ive known her for many years (11 years married and 5 years dating) I felt it in my bones she was lying but she still didnt want to talk about it and I never pushed her to see any of the text, facebook etc. I know I know

Finally. But anytime this stuff happens and there is a bind one must verfiy. So up to this point this is at least inappropriate. It seems you are going to tell us that she lied. Which is unfaithful in itself. But people lie because they have been unfaithful already.

So I found these text 2 weeks ago by total accident. (after the no contact do you want to ruin our marriage talk) (from July 22nd to July 28th). I told her i was in her email to look for banking info and saw that he posted in her facebook. So I asked why if its over and would like to see. She refused then after 5 min she said go ahead look.

From her: with other ones (not going to post) that she did during the last two weekends which were family vacations, I wont bore you. She says it started to change directions in June.

“I wanted to thank you for helping me find my keys the other day... I was plesantly surprised to see you come in when you did (as your meeting was cancelled... lucky for me) You see, we are in sync!!! It seems you are always helping me... Is there anything I could do for you??”

“Finally, if a spiritual connection is what you sought, you know you already have my heart and soul (i'm sorry if i love perceiving with my senses... But don't worry I won't jump your bones!!! He! He!)I really hope we reconnect later, but most of all, I hope that we don't loose our current connection, as spiritual beings and earthly friends” “ With lots of love xoxo”

Ok, so this is a full blown EA at the least. You must tell her this is unacceptable and she must go full NC immediately. This means she must quit her job immediately. There can be no contact in any way. She will need to go through withdrawal. This can take many weeks and into months. Any contact whatsoever starts the clock over again.

Him (he hardly messages her)
You are not only my friend but i feel you are my family. It hit me deeply knowing that we will have to refrain ourselves from expressing our feelings…. I would have loved to become part of your life… of your human existence you are in my heart and will always be there ) ALWAYS…. in that very special place where meaningful people live…… i will NEVER forget you.. EVER, EVER…

Being distant from you would cause me A LOT OF pain.

Her reply -
Hola!!!!! Hola!!!!

Keep messaging baby! I love it !!!!!
I hope you enjoy your massage, as I am sure you could use it!!!! I like her for the quality of the massage...just make sure to tell her to go deep! I also like her because she does not talk too much.... Allowing you to enjoy!!!! She's a great lady!!!
Enjoy!!!!!
LOL,

Then she was planning a trip to see him “as a friend” in Toronto at a conference. She was texting him beside me in the car and asking me about which date to come home and I didnt even know what she was doing.
“However, i just realized that i won't stay in Toronto, unless you promise to do something with me on Saturday afertoon and evening !!”

“If your still in TO, can you check if there is anything going on Sat. Nov. 17rh? And could you let me know if that works for you or not ASAP, as i need to book my flight, conference etc... Thanks again my dear friend”

He never replied

It was more one sided on her part with him hardly replying and he also started seeing someone.

Anyhow confused about everything. Any advice. She even invited him to our house for my birthday party on July 1st, I knew something was up when he couldnt look me in the eyes and shake my hand like a man.
A little flirting on the side or emotional affair. She did say that she told him after are talk on July 1st that she would never cheat on me physically and would sometimes talk about me.
How worried should i be?? She says its now done and seems relieved about it but she said this before and can it be that easy??????
I stopped commenting on individual things because this is an extreme situation now as she is planning ways to meet with him.

Instigation, Isolation and Escalation.

Instigation -- The realtionship was instigated by one or both as they were attracted to each other.

Isolation -- She was trying to isolate herself with him away from you ... to cheat without appropach anxiety.

Escalation -- She is pushing to escalate, escalate and escalate.

Inappropriate -> Unfaithful -> Cheating

I actully see her urgency to be isolated with him on a trip as already into the realm of Cheating behavior.

Hope this helps. You have a very small window to shut this down and save you marriage. There can be no compromise here.
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Last edited by Entropy3000; 08-12-2012 at 01:47 PM.
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Old 08-12-2012, 01:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Entropy said it all. Follow his advice.
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Old 08-12-2012, 01:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Coud she have deleted some of the texts? And this guy seems to be a little self conceited and delusional. Some new-gae bull**** he speaks. Maybe you could approach him to forward the texts between the two ?
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Old 08-12-2012, 01:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Also what phone does she have? Is it locked? You can retrieve deleted texts from most smart phones. Also, check the sent folder from her mail. All rights for privacy are temporarily rescinded for now. Also phone records.
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Old 08-12-2012, 02:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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thanks for the replies, this is all new too me and trying to learn and get feedback. Entropy Im the guy who is smiling (was) and my students are always asking why im so happy, but people always have issues to deal with i guess, im by no means doom and gloom.

Yeah she deleted all the texts and facebook messages (i never asked to see them July 1st, hindsight bad idea but i had a trust in her) shes always been so firm on moral commitment of marriage but the ones i stumbled upon after a family trip looking for banking contact in her email. What a way to get home and find out she was texting another man about our trip???? Sh(t i would have bet 11 years ago i would falter not her, i though she was solid.

What i dont get is, was i supposed to say no to everything, which doesnt seem like a healthy relationship. Also that night i texted him and said that this was not healthy and to back off and he called me immature and its a miss understanding.
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Emotional affairs can start so quickly, sometimes we don't know we are in one until our spouse starts to complain. This happened to me. I thought by sharing all of the conversations and information me and the OM had with my H, it was okay, it was legal. All that did was heighten my husband's suspicions.

The bi-sexual thing? Don't buy it.

Some people (me once upon a time) think that if you don't touch, it is not an affair. But she is giving her emotions to someone else and you feel the withdrawl. Just realize she is viewing this man as a knight in shining armor. Her "hero." She is living in la la land. I lived there once, it was great at first and then started to turn into hell.

You gotta let her know she is making a huge mistake here. She cannot have you AND a romantic fantasy affair with another man. But beware. When my husband put his foot down and tried to end my fun fantasy life, I resented him and viewed him as a father telling me what to do.

She will regret this one day and see how stupid she was behaving and how hurtful she was. You may or may not be around by then. She is treading some dangerous waters and needs to know this is a BIG deal.
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by northofus View Post
thanks for the replies, this is all new too me and trying to learn and get feedback. Entropy Im the guy who is smiling (was) and my students are always asking why im so happy, but people always have issues to deal with i guess, im by no means doom and gloom.

Yeah she deleted all the texts and facebook messages (i never asked to see them July 1st, hindsight bad idea but i had a trust in her) shes always been so firm on moral commitment of marriage but the ones i stumbled upon after a family trip looking for banking contact in her email. What a way to get home and find out she was texting another man about our trip???? Sh(t i would have bet 11 years ago i would falter not her, i though she was solid.

What i dont get is, was i supposed to say no to everything, which doesnt seem like a healthy relationship. Also that night i texted him and said that this was not healthy and to back off and he called me immature and its a miss understanding.
Wait a minute. This D!CK had the nerve to call you immature? Nice morals, what a great guy! How are you able to not go out and find this jerk and punch him in the face?
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
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well suffice to say we've been talking about it and she does say it was stupid and over but we've done that before.
And the bi thing is true, he believes you can connect with anyone regardless of gender i thought he was gay the first time i met him. Im a fit athletic get on the podium kind of guy and hes the total opposite.
She says its done like its a light switch, she never stopped loving me, wants me, you know the drill, can it be over as quick as it started?????
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:28 PM   #10 (permalink)
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yeah im acting immature and to show him and his current partner some respect and that he would like to talk to me to clear the confusion in my head. That night i seriously thought i was going insane, i was living in upside down world.
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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It can be over quickly if one of the people stops participating. I just stopped responding to the OM's emails and texts. The OM was NOT happy about this and I was scared he would do something drastic (he said he fell in love with me).

Ya know, he found me eight years later while doing a google search on my name and found out where I worked. I was the web master so my name, email, and phone number was on the web site. Freaked me out. He is still trying to get me to do "do it again." So you gotta find out how serious this thing is.

I don't mean to scare you, but I had to tell you the whole story so you understand that this can really be devastating if your wife doesn't knock it off NOW.

The fact that he shows no remorse for you is troubling. If he were a real man, he would have backed off when you contacted him. He's not a good guy. Have you tried to tell your wife this man is a piece of crap? Does she see it or does she come to his defense.

Oh, and when my H met the OM, he thought he was gay too.
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:37 PM   #12 (permalink)
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She deleted them? I wouldn't trust her. You are naive to a fault.
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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"Oh, and when my H met the OM, he thought he was gay too." made me laugh
Yeah i told her July 1st that i was getting bad vibes from him and im a guys guy so i said hes up to no good and that she should watch out and stop him as a friend and she agreed, I think she called him a manipulating snake or something like that and seemed really negative towards him. I guess i wouldnt be at this point if it stopped there but like a said it started up two weeks later, "I thought I could make it work as friends" again upside down world.

She did say hes intimidated by me and was afraid of my reaction, i guess time will tell if its a true shutdown on both parts.

cheers
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Old 08-12-2012, 04:06 PM   #14 (permalink)
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You would also benefit from read the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass--a nationally recognized researcher on infidelity. Her book covers emotional affairs from every angle, like no other. Excerpts on google books are linked in my signature, but you will quickly see that you want to read the whole thing. You can also get it at most libraries.
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:13 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
he called me immature
Ah man... that would be facial re-arrangement time... Gotta love these new age Buddhist in contact with nature useless bums trying to hit on a married women. They seem to be in a real hurry to see what nirvana is all about.
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