unsurewhattodo32

Hi Everyone,

First post on here and I feel unsure of how exactly to best state my feelings. It's not something i wish to discuss (yet) with those closest to me, so hopefully strangers on the internet can provide some insight.

My husband an I are both 24, and have been married for just over 7 months. We were together for just over 2 years before getting married and were engaged after a year. Needless to say, I thought I had found my dream man. I had never had a serious boyfriend before my husband (too busy with school) and he had only 1 girlfriend before myself, so we came from the same page.

On the outside, I think it looks like we have a great life. We never argue in public, own a house, have a dog, he has a great full-time job and is finishing his degree in the evening with online classes. I'm a medical student so i'm busy with school.

When we met, I was so struck by how someone could be so sweet towards me. He showered me with affection, doing nice things for me (such as randomly cleaning my house and leaving flowers), buying gifts (at a much smaller budget back then, but all extremely heartfelt and thoughtful). I was head over heels and never had doubts about marrying this man.

However, ever since we have been married I am just filled with sadness. I feel as though he has completey changed. There was a time he wanted to spend all his time with me, and now he never wants to do anything with me. We used to go for random coffee dates (again, we are both students) and now I have to drag him even to do the one thing a week we do--go grocery shopping (because i'm a small girl and carrying heavy bags is tiring). I've tried everything I can--talking to him about how I feel neglected, how I miss spending time with him, how I feel alone, how I feel like he has changed. His response is always the same--he apologizes, promises he will change, and then tries to buy my affection with gifts (of which, I have never asked for and I constantly ask him to stop doing that and rather try to do something more heartfelt).

I love my husband but I'm just unsure if what i'm feeling is normal for less than 1 year into marriage. Am I building up things too much in my head (as I know I have a tendancy to do?). I just look back pre-marriage and can't help but think that things were so much better before. I don't want to sound like a whiner as my husband really is a great guy, but that spark seems to be gone and I feel like i'm nothing more than a roommate to him. I have tried everything I can, even losing close to 20lbs over the year as I thought that if I got more fit, he'd be more proud to be with me and want to do things together (stupid thinking, and no, he has never mentioned losing weight to me. I've always been on the smaller side at 5'2" and 130lbs but am now 110lbs). Rather, it did nothing.

I'm concnered that if this keeps happening, our marriage won't last. As a student in med school, the divorce/couples breaking up rate is much higher than the "normal" world with rates close to 80%. I'm afraid i'll be just a statistic, but I also feel i'd rather be alone than force myself on someone who does not want me .

Any advice or thoughts or stories would be great. I'm fully aware it may be me who is unreasonable and if others feel the same, then it's time I do some serious reflection.

Thank you.

Blanca

How much time do you guys spend together just at home?

The reason he's not changing is because his needs are being met. He forgets about your needs because he feels fine. I'm guessing you guys spend some time together and it must be enough for him.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

unsurewhattodo32

We basically spend all our time at home--never go out, never hang out with friends. We go to work/school at 5am, come home around 5pm and that's it. Weekends are also at home--he will go out on weekends during the summer as he does biking competitively and will go train (and I would never hamper on that). Part of the problem for not being social is that we live in a town next to the city where we go to school/work, so we are further away from friends...which is why I feel like we should spend more time together. The times we are home at the same time, we're usually doing seperate things...

Blanca

I had a similar problem with my H awhile ago, too. I still do to some extent. At work one day a guy was talking about how he was going to leave work early and take his girl out for a special thing. I was so jealous. He always did sweet things for her. But the other thing he talked about was how often she was gone. She would constantly be doing things with other people, going out of town, late home from work, etc. He didn't get a chance to be with her all the time.

If you are constantly available your H will take it for granted that he gets to see you. He won't do anything special because he never misses you. Try being less available. Don't be home so much. Don't always be around when he gets home and take a few weekends to do something without him. Try that for a few months and see if things don't improve.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

heartsdelight

What are each of you doing when you're home together but doing separate things?