General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Have been married for only a year with a partner of 3 years. Last 6 months I've been happy 80% of the time with the wife, we get along great and she's an amazing person as far as I'm concerned. But the other 20% I feel down. This is due to my feeling that she's just not into me as much as I am into her. This is down to several things:
- she shows little enthusiasm for anything.
- she shows no signs that she thinks about me when we're not together anymore. No texts or calls unless she needs something etc.
- she hardly ever goes to the effort of doing anything just to make me happy
- her ex bf of 5 years cheated on her for a while, and I often wonder if with me she just settled for the safe option love, rather than the crazy/madly in love option.
A great example of the above is what happened yesterday, my birthday. Last February was my wifes birthday and I did everything I could to make it her best. It was after all, her first birthday as my wife. I bought her a watch she's always wanted and organised a romantic getaway. She says she loved it.
Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 25. She told me the day before that her pressie wasn't ready, and it'll be two weeks late. This was becasue she wanted to add a special touch to it, although she did admit she wasn't very organised and left it too late. I am/was 100% fine with this, wasn't upset and am actually looking forward to finding out what it is.
What did get to me is the actual day. I've been feeling down for the reasons I mentioned earlier over the last couple of months and was looking forward to my birthday more than ever (infact I normally make no fuss over it at all) because I thought it would be the one day where she would have to put in some extra effort to show me some love. I got a happy birthday in the morning, and that was it. She spent the whole day either doing chores or her own thing. Made me feel a little hurt, I mean I'm not one of those 16yr old brats you see on TV who want a huge party. I just wanted something.. ANYTHING!
So thats it, no affiar, just that. Am I making a fuss over nothing?
I have on a couple of occasions, usually when she realises I'm down about something and bugs me until I say what. But I don't think she really gets it, just calls me dumb and moves on.
I don't know if she just doesn't understand what I'm trying to say or if she's just looking at it from her POV and thinking 'well I'm happy so everything must be fine'.
But surely you don't need to be a mind reader to know that you're hubby might want a bit of attention on his birthday?
But I don't think she really gets it, just calls me dumb and moves on.
IMO, this is worse than what u wrote in your original post. Seriously, does she use the word 'dumb'? Extreeeeemely disrespectful. And cold.
Your feelings should never be dismissed like that.
I would suggest a serious talk with her - counseling would be good. Tell her exactly what's bothering you and stick with it. Do not allow her to minimize your feelings or treat you as insignificant.
Watch her when you talk. Is she defensive, disengaged, annoyed, distant?
I'm wondering if this woman has any warm or affectionate feelings toward you. I'm not hearing evidence of it.
You may need to consider cutting your losses with this one. You've been married only 1 year and I promise you, once kids & other stressors come along, it will only get worse.
Maybe you are being too nice to her?
Maybe she's taking you for granted,and slowly loosing respect and sexual attraction to you.
You are happy with her , but
Is she really happy with you?
It can be difficult when one person is putting out a lot and the other isn't really making that extra effort.
But there is a reason for everything under the sun.
IMO, this is worse than what u wrote in your original post. Seriously, does she use the word 'dumb'? Extreeeeemely disrespectful. And cold.
Your feelings should never be dismissed like that.
I would suggest a serious talk with her - counseling would be good. Tell her exactly what's bothering you and stick with it. Do not allow her to minimize your feelings or treat you as insignificant.
Watch her when you talk. Is she defensive, disengaged, annoyed, distant?
It is quite annoying. Sometimes defensive, maybe a little annoyed, though not in an aggressive way. She usually just sits there and listens, asks me to be specific, and then once I'm done talking she doesn't really have much to say. It's when I press her for a response she comes out with the 'dumb' comments.
Quote:
I'm wondering if this woman has any warm or affectionate feelings toward you. I'm not hearing evidence of it.
You may need to consider cutting your losses with this one. You've been married only 1 year and I promise you, once kids & other stressors come along, it will only get worse.
Good luck to you. Posted via Mobile Device
Nah, she's lovely and honestly has an amazing personality. And she most certainly loves me. My sister in law told me the other week that the wife and my mother in law had a good cry about how happy she is with life and with me, and told me she's never seen her happier. Might not come across that way I'm my posts as I've only mentioned the negative stuff.
It's issue is more of a case of her not expressing her feelings with any real effort rather than not having any feelings at all.
Maybe you are being too nice to her?
Maybe she's taking you for granted,and slowly loosing respect and sexual attraction to you.
You are happy with her , but
Is she really happy with you?
It can be difficult when one person is putting out a lot and the other isn't really making that extra effort.
But there is a reason for everything under the sun.
I don't think I'm 'too nice' to her. Maybe when we were first going out but not now. But taking me for granted may be a possibility, possibly because I've never really lost it with her.
The sexual attraction is still there, that side of the relationship is mostly fine.
Have been married for only a year with a partner of 3 years. Last 6 months I've been happy 80% of the time with the wife, we get along great and she's an amazing person as far as I'm concerned. But the other 20% I feel down. This is due to my feeling that she's just not into me as much as I am into her. This is down to several things:
- she shows little enthusiasm for anything.
- she shows no signs that she thinks about me when we're not together anymore. No texts or calls unless she needs something etc.
- she hardly ever goes to the effort of doing anything just to make me happy
- her ex bf of 5 years cheated on her for a while, and I often wonder if with me she just settled for the safe option love, rather than the crazy/madly in love option
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Maybe you can explain this part a little more ?
Are you saying that she seems not to be connecting on a deeper level in a way you would like?
In other words, everything is ok,but something deep down is nagging you?
Well I sometimes worry that she's sacrificed being madly in love with someone (and the sort of behaviour that comes along with it) simply with being in love in a safe, reliable, honest, loving relationship with a good guy (not something she got from the ex).
But I'm not sure there is anything in that, it's just a thought that crosses my mind that leads me to feeling glum.
Well I sometimes worry that she's sacrificed being madly in love with someone (and the sort of behaviour that comes along with it) simply with being in love in a safe, reliable, honest, loving relationship with a good guy (not something she got from the ex).
But I'm not sure there is anything in that, it's just a thought that crosses my mind that leads me to feeling glum.
Whoa!
She's not sacrificing anything to be with you man!
She was in a bad relationship with another man, not you!
Your mind is in the correct place!
These questions are quite legitimate sir.
Logic dictates that if she was so madly in love with him even though he hurt her so badly so many times, then she should be crazy in love with a guy [ you ] who is good to her right?
Wrong.
There is very little logic in the way attraction works.
Do you know just why she stayed in that other bad relationship so long, and gave so much of herself?
That's my worry. I know I'm a better guy, she tells me there is no comparison so she knows I'm the better guy. But like you say that's not how attraction works. Part of me thinks if she met me first we'd have been over in a month... infact I wonder if she would have given me a chance at all?
I mean we get along great, we have fun, we have a laugh, we have a good sex life, but she rarely does anything to tell me that she's crazy for me... the one exception is probably her Velentines day letter to me. I don't know if that's actually the case or if she's just bad at expressing her love and just assumes that I know. I suspect it's that she isn't crazy for me in that way, hence feeling down.
To quote her, he chased her 'like a dog' each time she tried to end it. And she wasn't aware of the cheating until the end despite others telling her he was. Also bear in mind she was young and naive, we're talking about teen years (14-19).
Well there must be something you can do.
You can just ignore your feelings and accept her treatment of you. Obviously that is not an option,because you are here on this site, seeking answers.
Maybe you can try communicate your needs to her.
Everyone likes to feel loved in a particular way. She is in her comfort zone ,because you have consciously decided to meet her needs.
She needs to reciprocate yours. Having great sex is good, but you desire more.
Sometimes in a relationship you have to think about MY NEEDS.
There is a book ,dealing with the languages of love. Maybe you both can have a read.
It helped both my wife and I early on in our relationship.
That's my worry. I know I'm a better guy, she tells me there is no comparison so she knows I'm the better guy. But like you say that's not how attraction works. Part of me thinks if she met me first we'd have been over in a month... infact I wonder if she would have given me a chance at all?
I mean we get along great, we have fun, we have a laugh, we have a good sex life, but she rarely does anything to tell me that she's crazy for me... the one exception is probably her Velentines day letter to me. I don't know if that's actually the case or if she's just bad at expressing her love and just assumes that I know. I suspect it's that she isn't crazy for me in that way, hence feeling down.
To quote her, he chased her 'like a dog' each time she tried to end it. And she wasn't aware of the cheating until the end despite others telling her he was. Also bear in mind she was young and naive, we're talking about teen years (14-19).
You need to work at your self confidence man. You're putting a downer on yourself. You're in some sort of disbelief that this woman really wants to be with you. And you're saying that her experiences made it easier for you? So what? We are what we are in part due to our experiences. That's just life.
Now, if you don't want to really have problems with the way your wife sees you never sell yourself short near her. Act like you're gold and in demand, even if you don't feel it.
Both of you take the 5 languages of love test and/or read the book. It has made a big difference for me & w after 18yrs. It was an eye opener for both of us. She was like your W, few words or acts of affection. She was heavily on the acts of service. I adjusted accordingly and she followed suit with what I was looking for with little encouragement required.
Maybe you can try communicate your needs to her.
Everyone likes to feel loved in a particular way. She is in her comfort zone ,because you have consciously decided to meet her needs.
She needs to reciprocate yours. Having great sex is good, but you desire more.
Sometimes in a relationship you have to think about MY NEEDS.
After I went home yesterday she asked me what's wrong, I guess it was written on my face? I told her I was a little hurt by her lack of attention on my birthday. She immediately came over to me, said she's really sorry, started crying and explained that she's got a big surprised planned but said she's still sorry for not making any effort on the day.
First time she's ever really responded like this and I didn't really have to say anything. In the past I would have tried my best to hide my dissapointment, held it in and bring it up a month later and I would not have gotten the response I desire.
Quote:
Originally Posted by costa200
You need to work at your self confidence man. You're putting a downer on yourself. You're in some sort of disbelief that this woman really wants to be with you. And you're saying that her experiences made it easier for you? So what? We are what we are in part due to our experiences. That's just life.
Now, if you don't want to really have problems with the way your wife sees you never sell yourself short near her. Act like you're gold and in demand, even if you don't feel it.
Self pity episodes are desire killers for women.
I came across the forum a while back and saw advice like this for someone else and have already took it on board. I think I had a habit of putting myself down whever SHE did wrong. In general, I am a pretty confident guy which is probably the only reason it's not caused too much damage. I've learned not to show it to her, but I do still feel insecure about myself with regards to her in my low points.
I will check out the other suggestions if things don't get better. Thanks for the help guys. This place is great.
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Am I making too much of nothing? 
