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My wife seems incapable of being emotionally close to people
So married now for almost 6 years. At first, we were moving in the right direction. But then we sort of hit a wall. I was constantly looking for a deeper connection and my wife would take actions that would prevent it.
Very hard to explain, but I have noticed over time that she cannot get any closer to me...or for that matter, any other person. As examples, she does not proactively touch me in any manner, like a hand on a shoulder, and now that I am conscious of it, I've noticed she does not touch other people as well. And this also applies to emotional connection, not just physical.
She never uses my name.
When having sex, she was totally unreactive. She would not even put her hands on my back. They would lay there on the bed at her side.
Whenever there is an activity that she wants to do and I don't, she does not take my concerns into her approach to it. I would agree to do whatever activity that is with her, and would do it for a reasonable period fo time to support her. But after a few hours of doing whatever it was, beyond any reasonable period that people would do that activity for, I would start to get frustrated, and she could not see it. I would try to communicate that as nicely as I could, and she would always fail to take the opportunity to compromise and acknowledge my concerns. She would just keep going along her path until it would develop into a fight.
She would travel for fun with her girlfirends (I work and she doesnt) sometimes for a month at time, and would not call me. She would send an email, or I would call her to talk, but she never called me voluntarily. On a few occassions, I told her I did not want her to travel and she left anyway. she would come back like nothing happened.
Even when I explained to her that it hurt to do some of these things, she still did them.
She is not capable of telling me she loves me. Once in 6 years, and only after I forced it.
I swear she is a kind person and does not mean to hurt me. But she is just, it seems, not hardwired to care for others. I genuinely think that she does not have the capability to understand how her actions affect other people, and is totally unaware of the ways in which people need to act to build a relationship.
I know there is no science to this, but she is an only child, and it seems, a rather extreme case of this. As I have begun to confront her to talk more openly about these issues, she admits that she was totally unaware that these things bothered me notwithstanding the fact that I have been telling her for years. She just did not see it. My male friends, with whom I am not especially open about personal matters - even they saw that I was not happy about it. We would spend so much time together, I have been a bit taken aback lately to find out how little she really knew. Again, I've talked to her about this over the years, but she just couldn't understand it in a very fundamental way. I am now making an issue about it and forcing her to confront it. She says she understands, but then reverts to old practice. There is something missing in her - something most people have.
She is so afraid of conflict that her solution to all of the times now and in the past that I have brought these things up is to ignore them. Go in the other room and wait it out. She genuinely cannot handle discussing it without it causing her so much stress that she shuts down, so she avoids it entirely. It's as if bringing up the issues to talk about them causes her so much confusion that she tries for a little while to understand and then eventually walks away when it does not compute.
I really think there is something "broken" with her. I have never met a person like this before. I had assumed (incorrectly) before we got married that everyone has the capability to build a connection. We loved each other, and it seemed to be going in the right direction until she just stopped.
Re: My wife seems incapable of being emotionally close to people
It's really hard to tell what's going on with your wife but possible things that come to mind are:
She has Aspergers or is slightly Autistic
She's gay. (Away with the girlfriends for a month. WTF ???)
She was abused or abandoned as a child.
Your marriage was arranged.
Your abusive.
Re: My wife seems incapable of being emotionally close to people
Quote:
Originally Posted by anonymousguy
So married now for almost 6 years. At first, we were moving in the right direction. But then we sort of hit a wall. I was constantly looking for a deeper connection and my wife would take actions that would prevent it.
Very hard to explain, but I have noticed over time that she cannot get any closer to me...or for that matter, any other person. As examples, she does not proactively touch me in any manner, like a hand on a shoulder, and now that I am conscious of it, I've noticed she does not touch other people as well. And this also applies to emotional connection, not just physical.
She never uses my name.
When having sex, she was totally unreactive. She would not even put her hands on my back. They would lay there on the bed at her side.
Whenever there is an activity that she wants to do and I don't, she does not take my concerns into her approach to it. I would agree to do whatever activity that is with her, and would do it for a reasonable period fo time to support her. But after a few hours of doing whatever it was, beyond any reasonable period that people would do that activity for, I would start to get frustrated, and she could not see it. I would try to communicate that as nicely as I could, and she would always fail to take the opportunity to compromise and acknowledge my concerns. She would just keep going along her path until it would develop into a fight.
She would travel for fun with her girlfirends (I work and she doesnt) sometimes for a month at time, and would not call me. She would send an email, or I would call her to talk, but she never called me voluntarily. On a few occassions, I told her I did not want her to travel and she left anyway. she would come back like nothing happened.
Even when I explained to her that it hurt to do some of these things, she still did them.
She is not capable of telling me she loves me. Once in 6 years, and only after I forced it.
I swear she is a kind person and does not mean to hurt me. But she is just, it seems, not hardwired to care for others. I genuinely think that she does not have the capability to understand how her actions affect other people, and is totally unaware of the ways in which people need to act to build a relationship.
I know there is no science to this, but she is an only child, and it seems, a rather extreme case of this. As I have begun to confront her to talk more openly about these issues, she admits that she was totally unaware that these things bothered me notwithstanding the fact that I have been telling her for years. She just did not see it. My male friends, with whom I am not especially open about personal matters - even they saw that I was not happy about it. We would spend so much time together, I have been a bit taken aback lately to find out how little she really knew. Again, I've talked to her about this over the years, but she just couldn't understand it in a very fundamental way. I am now making an issue about it and forcing her to confront it. She says she understands, but then reverts to old practice. There is something missing in her - something most people have.
She is so afraid of conflict that her solution to all of the times now and in the past that I have brought these things up is to ignore them. Go in the other room and wait it out. She genuinely cannot handle discussing it without it causing her so much stress that she shuts down, so she avoids it entirely. It's as if bringing up the issues to talk about them causes her so much confusion that she tries for a little while to understand and then eventually walks away when it does not compute.
I really think there is something "broken" with her. I have never met a person like this before. I had assumed (incorrectly) before we got married that everyone has the capability to build a connection. We loved each other, and it seemed to be going in the right direction until she just stopped.
Am I fighting a losing battle on this one?
I don't think being an only child is the cause here.
I agree with the previous posters. I think there's a good possibility she either has Asperger's Syndrome or similarly she's a very high functioning autistic person. Why would I say it? Her inability to understand how her actions impact others, lacking theory of mind, an almost sensory defensiveness to touching others, not being very empathetic, lacking social skills that most typical adults her age have, etc. I could go on. I have a family member with that disorder so your post jumped out at me.
Just out of curiosity, did you not notice these traits when you were dating or courting her? I can't imagine she hid these characteristics well. People who have Asperger's are poor liars because of the theory of mind issues. Theory of mind in a nutshell is the ability to place yourself in another's shoes and see the situation from that point of view.
Re: My wife seems incapable of being emotionally close to people
We went to a marriage counselor with a ton of experience for 6 sessions. We quit because it was hurting her too much and we were regressing. She is highly sensitive to her own feelings, just clueless about others feelings. It's not autism or aspergers. Not only would the counselor have picked up on that, but my wife is totally normal in every way except this inability to connect. she is quite well adjusted in all social situations, just very quiet. when she started to understand that what she was doing was hurting me, she was really broken up and felt horrible. But then just repeated the behavior.
Not arranged marriage...we met 2 years before getting married at a bar. Dated for a while. Very standard stuff.
No abuse from me, needless to say.
I do not think she was abused as a child. Her mom and dad are decent people. But now that I know my wife, I see the same personality trait in her mom.
Definitely not a lesbian. Can't prove that of course but I know her well enough to say that.
The travel for a month is crazy, I know. But her family lives in Europe and she moved here for me. We met when I was working over there. She just has this European thinking...summer vacations for a month are normal. We are quite well off, so when she quit her job and wanted to travel, I was supportive at first. With my job, I go through periods where I am working 18 hour days for a few weeks at a time when trying to close a deal, so it was more reasonable than it sounds at first for her to take long trips. And her girlfriends were in the same boat. Mostly Europeans with free time.
I really think its upbringing. I think it's a pretty extreme case of someone being brought up without siblings and without friends from whom to learn. She readily admits that her friends from home are not true friends, just people she knew. She also admits that she has never had a close friend until me. And now at her age, she has only focused on herself, worried about herself, cared for herself, for so many years, it's ingrained in her somehow.
She has just never had to adjust her behavior to accommodate another person on any significant matter. The piece that I cannot figure out is why she continues to make the same mistakes after we communicate on it. She is a smart woman - has a university degree and worked professionally for years. She has these moments when she seems to understand, but then the next time something happens, her instincts take over and she reverts to form.
Re: My wife seems incapable of being emotionally close to people
Want to clarify. I did not say she reacts badly to being touched. It's just that she never touches people on her own initiative, me or otherwise. I mean never. It's like she does not think about it as an option. She does not have a negative reaction to others touching her, just no reaction. As if a hug goes one way.
She did not hide these traits when we were dating. She was just shy and, I thought, reserved. When we were dating, the way she acted seemed more appropriate for a woman with a man she knew for a short while. I assumed she would open up.
Re: My wife seems incapable of being emotionally close to people
All I have to say is - marriage counselors don't know everything. In my experience they can miss a lot.
Has she tried individual counseling? I think there may be something to the "only child" thing... My husband and your wife have lots in common and he is also an only child. His family also thinks he has Asperger's, but after researching it I have more questions and doubts than answers).
Aside a formal diagnosis, I guess all you really can do is appreciate her free spirit. (My husband calls himself, "Spiritually Mature" lol)
I feel your pain... Wish I had something more useful to say... Posted via Mobile Device
Re: My wife seems incapable of being emotionally close to people
Raised in eastern Europe. I speak her native language and lived in her culture for years, know it well. She is now fluent in English.
Quiet, and relatively poor, childhood. Family kept to itself. It was, after all, communist. Like many eastern european cultures, it does have a look out for yourself attitude. But I know plenty others from her culture who are just not like this.
Re: My wife seems incapable of being emotionally close to people
Just saw your edit - perhaps is just the way she was raised? Culture isn't everything, could just be the way she is. Is she religious by any chance? I understand your frustration, but I'm not sure what you are looking for her... (Not trying to sound harsh) Posted via Mobile Device
Re: My wife seems incapable of being emotionally close to people
Her dad is great. Very warm guy. Wants to be my best friend.
Her mother is very limited, but kind. By limited I mean she has four things she does in life and has been repeating those for 50 years. New things are difficult for her to understand. Her dad is the opposite.
They fight a lot. Lots of yelling. She isn't very nice to them. But I think that's just how they have always been. It's strange to me, but it works for them. She has a short fuse with her parents, and does not always treat them with respect. I think that is because she is fully modern and they are not, so oddly enough the cultural differences between her and her parents is larger than between her and me. My wife and my mother get along great. My wife likes her a lot. But again, my mom has had a hard time breaking through to a deeper level with her.
She has never told her parents about how she and I have issues. She has never told anyone in fact, because she does not have anyone to tell other than me.
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My wife seems incapable of being emotionally close to people 
