General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been a mother since i was 20 years old. I have a beautiful daughter who makes me smile everyday. I have resently gotton married and i love my husband more then anything. We found out i was pregnant with baby and since i had already been throw dating with a man who fathered my daughter and he didnt want to marry i desided that was not going to be the rought i would take twice. My husband loves my daughter like she was his own. In fact she my daughters fathers death he has said she is his daughter and will always be his daughter. I worked like crazy after having my daughter. mainly since her father left me and i was the only person providing for her. When i gave birth to my second child i started bugeting bills. and relized i was working just to put my 2 kids in child care. My husband i and descused me staning home with the kids and for about a month now i only work on friday in my employers office.
My problem is that i feel like my husband isnt seeing all i do for our family. He thinks its easy staying at home with the kids. what he doesnt understand is i dont just sit around the house. I cook meals clean house do laundry care for 2 children under the age of 3 and one who is only a few months old so he is breastfeed. I cleaned the kitchen the other night and my husband walked in the door and said WHATS THAT SMELL!!! As i am standing in the kitchen putting dishes away from the dishwasher. I must add that it is nearly 2:10am What he was smelling was the pinesole i had used a hour before he got home to mop the kitchen floor. This made me feel like crap. That day alone i had done most of the laundry i had found around the house. including Sheets from my daughters bed. I still had wash running when he waked in the door that night. Later on once i had unloaded the dishwasher i went and put our son to bed and put a movie in the DVD player. He came to bed around 330 400am and i guess was bothered by my movie. but i was so upset that he didnt say hey honey the house looks great or thanks for washing my work cloths. That i just couldnt sleep.
This morning because its Friday i got up nursed our son and put him back to bed. I started getting ready for work and desided that i would make my husband a bottle for the baby that way when he does wake up he could change and feed him and not have to really get out of bed. our son sleeps in our room. i got to work at 9am and about 10am i get a text message saying.
(Thank you ever so much for the fast slow nipple on the babys bottle it made a huge mess and what he was able to swallow hes thrown up everywhere.)
I was taken back by this message and just stared at it for a few mins wondering what i should say or do. I finally lost it all and told him how i felt. and all he could say was hurtful things. I didnt realize the nipple was a fast slow flow. the one i use and what is suppost to be in the draw are the slow flow not the fast. so i have not a clue how this one got mixed in.
Being a mother of young kids is super difficult and it sounds like you are doing more than your fair share. There is absolutely no reason why hubby can't help with laundry, cleaning or feeding the baby. Many men avoid the housework and childcare because they don't want to admit they are clueless. Give him a few lessons, and get some sleep. Why the heck are you up so late doing housework? Relax and enjoy your kids.
when i was with my son's mom we also did the math and realized her outside job was just covering daycare, and so she made the decision to stay at home.
in my circumstances, it never dawned on me that she was now to do all of the housework.
if you think about it, her salary went simply to care for our son, and not for household help, therefore my son's mom had left her outside employ to care for our son, and the division of labor relative to house chores was left intact.
i said the above simply to make the point that, although your husband's lack of insight is very common, it is not universal, and so things can be different.
may i suggest you might want to find a time when you and your huband are both relaxing and relaxed, and you explain how you feel to him. now is the time to develop good communication skills, and this issue is your opportunity to learn.
you might also arrange on a given friday, when you are out of the house, to give him the list of chores you usually do in a day, and give him an opportunity to walk in your shoes for the day.
odds are, if he takes up the challenge, he'll be surprised at how difficult the job, in actuality, is.
Im up late doing house work cause that is the only time i dont have 2 kids wanting my attention. i can clean with my son awake cause he cant move around yet. however with my 2 year old daughter that is another story. and heaven forbid i go to clean the kitchen or the living room with her up. she freaks out cause she either thinks its time to eat or that she will never see her toys again. I cant really do laundry when she is up either due to her wanting to play dress up. So the only time to clean is either when the kids nap or when they are down for the night. My 2 year old doesnt nap often either. she is a ball of energy. I just dont know how to get my husband to understand the day i run when he works. I spend my time keeping both kids somewhat quite since he works night and sleeps during the day but that doesnt always happen. and he gets really grumpy without his sleep. I just feel i might as well do the cleaning cooking laundry and run the kids. that way at least i am not complained to and lison to nothing but you didnt do this or that. ect.
I'd say a STHM can be full time job, YES
but it is only a short term job ( 18 years) with no pension
at the end. bad hours, bad working conditions often understaffed...
if it were a job I would say its not a great one .. when your doing it alone.
I never planned on ever being a SAHM. infact I am the kinda of person who needs a break from my family life. dont get me wrong i love my family more then anything but there are times you just have to have some breathing room. I will not be a SAHM for ever that is forsure. i would love to go back to work today. My husband doesnt seem to care about my needs or how i feel. And i have about had it. Tonight for instance. I came home layed down for a few mins he went to the store. It was like he had to get away from the kids. But he gets pissed when i dont want to clean or go out on the weekends. well of course i dont want to your home so you can help with the kids while i try to catch up on sleep. is what i am thinking... well enought venting for now.
you need to sit down and ahve a talk with him, get this straightened out. You feel like he doesn't notice what you do around the house or respect what you do.
he comes home from work, burnt out, not noticing what you have done, maybe stressed from "carrying the load financially"
Also your time devoted to two young children probably take away from quality time for you both.
You two need to sit down and discuss what is btohering you both, then work towards fixing it.
What was the division of labor like before you stayed home with the kids? Has this shift occurred only after you stopped working outside the home or where there clues to his inconsiderateness before this? Did you love this guy enough to marry him or was marrying him merely a knee-jerk reaction to your previous bad experience with your oldest's father?
I have to say that many, many men (mostly men) do not understand the work that it takes to care for children all day long. On top of just making sure they are alive, unbroken, fed, cleaned and reasonably entertained, you still have to care for the home and your husband's things. It is way more than a job. No job is this hard (well, a soldier in the midst of war beats it but not much else).
There's just no way to communicate with words the work that you do and how exhausting it is. Pick a weekend day, tell your husband that you must be gone from the house and he will need to watch the older two children (as the baby is nursing, you probably need to take him/her with you). I wouldn't tell him it's a "lesson" as he may become defensive and block the experience out and just say "it was fine, dunno what the big deal is" when you return. Leave the house with the baby for as many hours as a you can (arrange an overnight at a girlfriend's if you can), leave him a list of what the little ones need done as well as a list of house chores.
THEN when you come back, sit down and have an honest talk about the situation and his lack of appreciation and negative attitutde toward you. He'll know then what it takes (for a day at least and then he can multiply that to every day to get the full picture). Even if he does the barest minimum for the little ones, it will still be hard and he will know gain empathy for what you do.
I don't think there's a way to get this across to him other than experientially.
Lots of stay-at-home moms fail to do this because they worry about the kids or the hubby being overwhelmed. But they will be fine and your family will be healthier for it if he can learn to appreciate what you do for him and his kids. So it's well worth it.
I never planned on ever being a SAHM. infact I am the kinda of person who needs a break from my family life. dont get me wrong i love my family more then anything but there are times you just have to have some breathing room. I will not be a SAHM for ever that is forsure. i would love to go back to work today. My husband doesnt seem to care about my needs or how i feel. And i have about had it. Tonight for instance. I came home layed down for a few mins he went to the store. It was like he had to get away from the kids. But he gets pissed when i dont want to clean or go out on the weekends. well of course i dont want to your home so you can help with the kids while i try to catch up on sleep. is what i am thinking... well enought venting for now.
Have you said any of this to your husband? Because if you haven't you shouldn't be on this forum asking people's advice who don't even know you. And that's not being mean... I'm just saying that you are young and you are married... the first person you need to go to is your husband and not to other people for help. That will end up turning a lot of things bad in the long run. It is good to get advice of course, but you need to talk to your husband FIRST before saying anything to anyone and if you feel like your point is not getting through then go to your family and friends who know you two or just you more.
I agree with Zam that you need to make your conerns and fusterations an open case to your husband but yesh Zam - why did you have to be so rude about her asking for advice on the forum. That is what this place is about right? Ick.
I understand your frusterations of being a SAHM and I can related to being up at 2-3am cleaning because the kidlets are sleeping. But you have to realize - you are still an individual outside of being a mom, a wife, a friend, a coworker, ect. You need to make time for you, even if it's an hour a day that you get to sit down, stare out the window and do nothing.
Being a SAHM is hardwork. You are raising kids, cleaning house, and all else that your family might include. But - like in my case my husband goes out and works to bring home the money. So I realize - I have been home all day with the kids and he comes home from working on all day - usually I just keep on keeping on with my job because it's 24-7. His is 8-4pm. I don't know where I was going with that but it sounds liek a vent no? LoL.
Eitherway - don't beat yourself up. If you don't like being a SAHM find PT work outside the home, turn a hobby into an income, ect. But most importantly - keep smiling because you have one of the most underpaid, dirtest jobs ever that offers the BEST rewards -> Being a Mom! *Cheers*
I apologize if I came off as rude because it was not my intention, because I would never fault someone for asking for advice on a forum because I do it a lot. I was trying to get my point across that you need to talk to your S.O. about your problems always as the first thing. I guess it's kind of a important thing to me, because my girlfriend after 10 months still can't talk to me.
OK first off... My hubby and I talked about me being a SAHM many many times. He was the one who made the final decision. I went into work one day looked at my boss and told him I was unable to work for him Mon-Thursday. due to my paycheck only covering my daycare bill.
No I didn't just marry my hubby because of what my daughters father did to me. I fell in love with my husband. He is everything i could ever want. He treats me right loves my daughter like she where his own. He is a wonderful father. He doesn't always like to change a diaper however i haven't meet a man who does like to either. LOL
I have talked to him many times on how i feel. I have made it clear that i feel like i am ignored. Friday for an example. I went to work and he stayed home with the kids. Well i had been at work for about a hour got a nasty text from him. I came home from work and he seemed to not be able to wait to get out of the house. He was up and gone. To me that made me think he couldn't take it anymore he needed time away from the kids. But see he doesn't seem to get that i feel the same way at times. There are times i just want to leave my house go to a park and just cry and daydream for however long. Once i get ever 30 mins away i can come home and be happy till the next weekend.
1. Yes, it is a full time job. My wife is a SAHM with our 3 boys (7, 5, and 2) and I love her for all the work she does.
2. You can't get mad at him for not jumping into bed and saying "thanks for cleaning the house" unless you tell him "thanks for going to work and making the money". That's apples to apples.
Now, of course, it was 100% rude of him about the nipple thing. That was uncalled for.
I just find it interesting that if a woman is out working a full time job you never have to "thank" her, but if she is a SAHM you are supposed to "thank" her every day.
Now, don't take this the wrong way, I thank my wife at least a couple times a week for keeping our house clean, raising our boys, etc. I do it because she does do a great job and because I know she wants/needs to hear that. I just never get/understand the mindset why if the mother is working outside the home and the household duties are split, no thanks are necessary, but if the mom is a SAHM and does 95% of the household duties, she needs to be thanked...
You want to call it a full time job, which I agree with, fine, it is. The "thanks" you get for working a full time job is the paycheck right? Well, as a full time SAHM you get full access to your husband's paycheck, there's your "thanks".
I know, that all may sound harsh, and like I said in reality I thank my wife all the time, I just don't comprehend the difference...as I'm sure you don't thank him everyday when he gets home from work for making the money that the family needs.
Is being a SAHM a job??? 
Re: Is being a SAHM a job??? 
