Mephisto

OP could be my wife.... but she has a different username on here.

It IS about the weight.

It ISN'T about him having issues or an affair.

Enginerd nailed it with his comment above (#40)

Why is it different when a man takes away affection for a wife who is not fulfilling her side of the bargain in the marriage, to when a woman takes away the sex in marriage because of the husband not fulfilling his side?

She knows how to get him back, but doesn't care enough to put the effort required and the self discipline to attain the desired goal, which is 100% benficial for her physically and healthwise, and she gets an added bonus in a happy and attentive husband.

When the situations are reversed as I described above the man is expected to make conscious everyday actions and decisions to make the wife feel better, by continuously giving her signs of affection which makes her feel better about life in general and then he may get some action..... but the only one who benefits from this scenario is the woman, UNTIL she decides to reward his behaviour with the sex that he desires.

And you women think that we men are shallow because we want you to be trim and healthy? NOTE: not stick skinny, not waif-like.... HEALTHY weight.

Emerald

OP,

I feel very bad for you. My exH is like yours. He wanted me to stay at "wedding day" weight. Period. No excuses. Some men are just like that. Your H is being honest & sounds like a good man.

I think you want to lose the weight right?

sharkeey

Agreed.

Men are very visual creatures.

It very well may be, and probably is just about the weight.

Cmon Op, you have a problem, and you know what you need to do to fix it, so rather than sitting at your computer typing away asking for help, get up, get over to the treadmill or your exercise of choice and start shedding those pounds.

Stay away from the junk foods, start drink more water, less soda, no more desserts, etc.. and watch those pounds fly off.

You'll be healthier, happier, and hubby won't be able to keep his hands off of you.

Plan 9 from OS

I must have a reading comprehension issue then, because I don't get a lot of the thoughts that are being expressed in this thread. First off, I realize that there tends to be a double standard when it comes to withholding sex from a spouse. Normally, people will understand it more when the wife withholds it (surely the H is doing something wrong) vs when the husband does it (he is a shallow jerk). So yes, the double standard is there when people make assumptions. My point on this is that I think it is a terrible idea to use sex as a means to manipulation, period. Sex is sacred to the marriage because it is one of the most effective ways to maintain a loving connection within the marriage. So to me, withholding sex is a no no regardless of which spouse is doing it.

OK, although I may not agree with this, I can understand if the husband wants to show his wife that there are consequences to being 30 lbs overweight. Since he's already using sex as a weapon in this marriage, wouldn't you think that is taking enough of a toll on her as it is? Don't you think he is going overboard with all of the "punishment" he is doling out to her? Let's review the list shall we? 1) Asking her how she has good self esteem because of her weight? 2) saying caustic and demeaning things to the OP about her weight 3) Withholding ALL type of affection including sex, cuddling, even the closeness of just talking and 4) basically demeaning the OP and treating her with disrespect just because he thinks she needs to lose some weight.

I'm sorry, but if you guys think this husband is a "good guy" considering he's demeaning her and punishing her in such a way to make their marriage an absolute joke. Yeah...real class act that douche canoe is... If I was in her situation, I'd tell the guy to F off and if he refuses to treat me with respect and dignity as his wife, then he can walk out that F'n door and never come back. NFW will I ever let my spouse demean me and treat me the same way he is treating her. I have zero respect for a POS man who doesn't know how to treat a lady with respect.

Adex

I've always been attracted to skinny girls. The skinnier the better for me. My wife is tall, and before our child,weighed 110lb. She went up to 160lb during pregnancy, but returned to 110lb in 3 to 4 months.

When she weighed that much, I got turned off during sex because of the extra fat around her stomach and hips. I'm just lucky she's naturally skinny and was able to lose it fast. Even now when she gets to 115lb I tease her that she's getting fat so she'll stay around 110lb. That may sound superficial, but I know many guys are like this and just don't say it. Your husband sounds similar.

Mephisto

Plan 9, you write like a woman, yet your profile says you are male.

Which is it?

credamdóchasgra

But I'm confused by the fact that the OP said her husband likes "chubbier girls" when he looks at porn.

__________________
Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it.

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.

Plan 9 from OS

No, I am not a woman. But I have no problems calling a spade a spade. If I see someone acting like an ass, I'm going to say it whether it's popular or not. It would be one thing if the the OP's husband wanted her to lose weight but still treated her like a human being. In that case, I would sympathize with him. However, when the husband is treating her like garbage just because she is overweight, then he's being a jackass. I'm very much a red blooded male because one thing I cannot stand in any relationship is someone playing games. I think he's playing games and using a lot of negative reinforcement in order to motivate her to lose weight.

I'm not perfect and I have my own share of faults. But I demand that my wife treats me with respect, and I do my best to do the same for her. We also have great communication, so we don't have to become mind readers. Also, we don't play games by withholding those things that we should have by rights within the marriage. Bottom line is we don't play games to try to manipulate each other in order to "win" something. We talk through our issues using logic and reason. That doesn't mean we don't have heated arguments from time to time, but we both do what we need to do to keep our marriage on track.

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Bulletpr00f-
I have been through exactly the same things as you. Resentment for being forced to return to work while the kids were small because he did not take the steps to keep a job that would support us nor would he budget so we could live on his salary. Self esteem destroyed by unkind words and name calling. Being uncomfortable in my own home, knowing he looked at me as almost an eyesore.

I did lose the weight, but not for him, for me. Even when I was overweight, I had good self esteem. He ripped that away in one conversation where he called me a tub of lard. I figured out I had to regain my self esteem and if I based it on what he thought of me, he could just as easily rip it away if I failed to meet his standards of attractiveness at some point in the future.


It was very hard to lose the weight. I had a demanding career, long commute, kids, elderly parents, a house and yard to take care of. I literally got up by 4:30am and ran nonstop until I got home by 6:30pm when I started all the household chores. It took putting myself first (after the needs of the kids) to carve out the time to work out and make foods that I could eat on my food plan. Since I was so unattractive, I did not spend much time with H. Didn't want to offend his sensibilities.


Make you a priority. Just lose the weight for yourself. You will have plenty of time to think about life and what you really want out of it while you are trudging away those endless hours on the treadmill. You will have the opportunity to consider whether you want to remain with someone who places more value on your appearance than your character, someone whose actions failed to meet your need for financial security at a time when you needed to be home with your baby, someone who would withhold public acknowledgement of you by refusing to hold your hand, someone who withholds affection from you because you do not meet his standard of attractiveness. You will have plenty of time to think about all of it.

La Rose Noire

I'm not seeing insulting in those excerpts. In the first, he's simply angry and resentful, once again because of her lack of effort. In the second, I don't think that's a terrible thing to wonder. I ask myself the same thing when I see very overweight people. Can they truly be happy with themselves? Don't they want to look and feel better about themselves? Be healthier? I've never had a weight problem, so maybe I'm like the OP's husband and I cannot understand. But I don't think it's insulting to wonder. Sounds like the OP is just being hyper sensitive, which I don't blame her for being, after all nothing hurts a woman more than knowing her man is not attracted to her.

As for lack of affection, he's told her that he's simply bad at it. I don't think he withholds as punishment. Some men are just like that, even when they have beautiful wives. I've written here that my SO never compliments me. And I'm in great shape. He is just not good at it.

Finally, as for the lack of sex, you can't blame him. He's not attracted. I wouldn't want to sleep with a very overweight man. I don't care if that sounds terrible. I love my SO with all my heart but if he gained 50 lbs, I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him. And for men I imagine it's worse because they need to get aroused. How can they do that when they're not attracted? It's not like their tool has an on/off switch.

There's a circle of resentment going on. And you can understand both sides. But someone needs to break the circle. And that person in this case should be the instigator, meaning the OP.

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Rose Noire-
Different people have different needs. You do not seem to need affection, which makes you a good match for someone who "is just not good at that stuff". You do have the need for a thin spouse and if that need is not met, feel justified in cutting him off from sex.
O/P had a need for financial security, which her spouse failed to meet. She bucked up, returned to work while her child was small and worked through the resentment his failure caused. O/P has a need for affection. If her H is honest and is really not good at being affectionate and is unwilling to take steps to fix that, she needs to rethink being with him. If he is being dishonest, and is withholding affection to get her to lose weight (which I think might be the case as she does not say he never met her need for affection, only now that she is overweight), she needs to rethink being with him. And if her only value in his life is being thin and attractive, she needs to rethink being with him.

Bulletpr00f

I wanted to thank everyone for all the feedback and insight. It has been really valuable to me and has given me a place to finally talk about this issue. Even though some of it is hard to hear, it is good for me to get realistic opinions on our situation.

A few things: I do not blame my husband for feeling less attracted to me. I am 30lbs heavier. That is a lot of weight. It has altered my appearance. I am very sad he feels this way, but I understand it. I went from a size 8 to a 14.

For those of you who don't have a weight problem, I would like to say that losing this amount of weight isn't simply about being lazy or having self-control. If it were, I would have lost the weight years ago. I have so much motivation to lose the weight, yet I still struggle. It is very much a mental block. I continuously self sabotage my weight loss efforts. I don't know why I do that. I want to lose this weight. I need to be healthier. I have a child that I want to set a good example for. I have a husband who is not interested in me because of it. Yes, I want to lose this weight! Being suddenly single wouldn't change a thing for me in terms of motivation. I have so much riding on losing weight already. Sometimes I feel like I crumble under the pressure or that I give up because so much is riding on the weight loss. I realize that these are excuses, but I am being honest.

Because of the wonderful support from those who were/are in a similar situation, I realize that I have to get myself together and lose the weight for me. All the rest will fall into place...whatever that place is going to be.

Once, I asked my husband, what will happen when I lose all the weight? What will change? His head is so wrapped up in my appearance, I wanted to know how our marriage will be different once it's all gone. He really didn't have an answer for me. I guess we'd have more sex, but what about the rest of it? Am I still going to have to initiate all aspects of our relationship? Dates? Affection? Attention?

Last night I asked him to watch a movie with me. We did. He sat on the floor! I asked him to sit on the couch with me, and he said he's more comfortable on the floor. Um, got it. His message is loud and clear. So I made this decision right then....I will get myself together out of necessity. It is the right thing to do for me, and my child, and even if I'm currently annoyed with my husband, it's the right thing to do for him too.

I will avoid future conversations that could potentially derail my efforts. Again, he mentioned how he thought I was confusing healthy self-esteem with being deluded as to who I really am/what I really look like. I reminded him that I still get attention from men, so he's the one with delusions.

Gaia

I am about 40 lbs over weight myself. What motivates me is the workout thread in the social spot and having a supportive spouse. Of course I hadn't had time to do any workouts lately buut I'm hoping I can make time here soon. If you need some extra support.. feel free to join the workout thread in the social spot!. Btw... I think your spouse should be more supportive... him calling you basically delusional is a good way to squash motivation.
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Mavash.

Have you considered counseling to find out why you self sabotage?

credamdóchasgra

The less you discuss it with your husband right now, the better. He's really just being silly about sitting on the floor, and overstepping a boundary by calling you deluded because you have high self-esteem. YOU are entitled to any view of yourself you want. Just because he disagrees with your view of yourself, does not make you "deluded." It makes you "disagreeing." Any other comments, I'd treat with an eyeroll, a hand up and say "ENOUGH already," and/or walking away. Period. It's up to you to draw a boundary on his remarks and show him you won't take it, especially when you start taking action to get in shape.

I am sure with your motivation and the support you're getting, you'll find a way to go for it that is tailored to your needs. For some people, losing weight is more about overcoming emotional and mental obstacles; for others, it's physical and metabolism-related.

Whatever your specifics are, I recommend committing yourself to it wholeheartedly, exploring your options and using whatever resources are available to you.

YOU CAN DO IT!

__________________
Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it.

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.