cloudwithleggs

I have a thyroid condition, hashi's and when my thyroid goes out it always puts weight on me, normally 14lbs and nothing i do would change the weight till my levels are correct, but there are worse symptoms than weight gain, hair loss, dry skin, upset tummy, serve muscle weakness and balance issues, so even if you wanted to workout it is very difficult as you can end up over doing and then be bed ridden till recovery.

Now my estranged husband said i was fat, i'm 5' 6" and 125lbs he is 5' 7" and 325lbs because he has lost some weight because he was nearly 400lbs he never keeps it up though.

Of course he is only attracted to slender women and he told me so if i ever got fatter he would not be attracted to me, but didn't understand why i was not attracted to him.

I had been brainwashed, never will i sleep with a sweat hog again it is disgusting.

You OP are only 30lbs overweight it is nothing and i am certain you will lose it, your husband is being slightly cruel and i think there is more to it than just weight.

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Perhaps the answer to your question about why you sabotage your weight loss effort lies in the quote below:

"Once, I asked my husband, what will happen when I lose all the weight? What will change? His head is so wrapped up in my appearance, I wanted to know how our marriage will be different once it's all gone. He really didn't have an answer for me. I guess we'd have more sex, but what about the rest of it? Am I still going to have to initiate all aspects of our relationship? Dates? Affection? Attention?"

Do you think that subconsciously you are afraid to face the state of your marriage when you do lose the weight? If you never lose the weight, you never have to face the fact that your H may never meet your need for affection or that he is just manipulative and in some ways, mean. When you do lose the weight, that problem is behind you and you will need to face all the other things that are below the surface. Also, are you sure you have adequately dealt with your resentment at having to return to work when your child was small because he could not financially support your family? You may also have to deal with that.

Still, lose the weight for your well being. Go see a counselor and get some direction on your marital issues. You will have plenty of time to think about them as you lose the weight. Once thin, you will be empowered to deal with your husband and face whatever comes your way.

FYI, I decided to end my marriage. After I finished losing the weight, I treated myself to a cruise, alone. I formulated an exit plan and executed it. I decided I did not need to live with an emotionally selfish person whose needs were infinitely more important than mine. I restored my self esteem, I took charge of myself and the kids and ended it. He could not believe I could do that to him.

La Rose Noire

My point obviously flew over your head if you concluded that I do not need affection. I'm extremely affectionate. I crave it. In all it's forms, including sex.

I am only saying that I do not believe the lack of affection in the relationship is solely based on her appearance. Her husband said he is just not good at it. So why not just take him at face value? Sometimes people get comfortable and lazy in relationships and don't do the things they used to as much. Kind of how the OP gained the weight. As for what she wants to do about it, that's up to her. But I do not think the husband is saying her only purpose is staying thin. In a sense, she is not the same woman he married and it's his right to get peeved at it. Just as she has the right to get peeved that he is not the same man (isn't as affectionate as he used to be).

They have both changed in a way. But to to paint the husband and the sole "bad guy" is unjust.

PolkaDottedJams

^^^Wow, powerful question.

Bulletproof, I say many things in this post, and please don't take me personally and infer all my "yous" as being addressed to you personally. I am speaking to a host of people reading this post. And it seems you are genuinely concerned with your weight and with wanting to lose it. You also seem just as concerned with your husband's kissing and hand-holding count, which I would encourage you to drop instantly. You don't want him counting your crumbs; don't count his sweet nothings. Fair's fair.

I also bring attention to the fact that you all but squeezed the info out of him; therefore, try not to hold his HONESTY against him so strongly. Would you have him lie? Simply walk out one day? Cheat? He's done you a favor by simply being honest, though . . . infidelity did hit my mind. Now on with my post:

I think it's a shame that, in issues such as these--when a woman gains and retains an excessive amount of weight, that her husband is categorically labeled as shallow, insensitive, crude, a jerk, uncaring, that he's only concerned with the physical, is probably at fault for her weight gain to start with, etc. I am no fitness guru, and when I gained nearly 30 lbs. with childbirth, I was appreciative of my ex's understanding. (I mean, after all, I was carrying his child!) But it took me only one year to be fully restored to my pre-pregnancy size and weight (a size 5), and I would have STARVED myself before keeping it, let alone adding to it through the years and forcing him to reconcile with a formless blimp that he did not marry. I think by and large, save a medical condition that is beyond one's control, those who are obese or overweight have only themselves to blame, as it is typically caused by diet and lifestyle habits (not to mention emotional issues). Obesity is not attractive and how do you marry at a smaller size, up the ante by 40 or 50 lbs. or so, and then expect Jack or Jill to still find you sexy, handsome/beautiful, and an object of desire just because they took vows with you? Jack or Jill did not marry you in that condition and probably would NOT have, esp. if he/she is fit or trim. So it’s just as selfish, uncaring, and insensitive of Person A to sit around and carelessly gain weight and sabotage the marital integrity as they are accusing Person B of being by expressing resentment or dismay over the weight gain.

IMO, it is downright abusive to gain excessive weight once married with no concern as to its effect on one’s SO--especially if they have voiced their dismay. (Neglect is a form of abuse.) It is further irresponsible and childish to expect that this person should never approach you with the truth as to the effect your weight is having on him/her and their sexual desire for you (or the lack of it). What happened to honesty in marriage? Would you not expect to tell him how his criticism affected you? How his alcoholism was destroying your marriage? How his immaturity or financial indiscretion impacted your feelings for him? How his workaholism was leaving you lonely enough to pine for affection elsewhere? Then how is he held in such contempt for informing you of the effect your weight gain is having on his desire factor? Yes, we vow “for better or for worse.” But that promise carries with it the innuendo of something beyond one’s control. If an earthquake takes everything we have, if you lose your job, if our child dies, if you become disfigured, etc . . . I will still love you. NOT if you “disfigure” yourself through gluttony, laziness, selfishness, or otherwise alter your appearance of your own mechanisms until you resemble nothing that I fell in love with. That is the height of inconsideration and selfishness . . . but one's SO is accused of these very behaviors for merely bringing this to one's attention? If you decide to Mohawk your hair, have forehead implants, file a few teeth down, tack on 20 facial piercings, and turn your skin green . . . does your spouse have any right to rescind the wedding vows and walk out? What’s the difference if you decidedly become an inactive, lethargic, irresponsible blimp (with health problems to boot) that he/she didn’t sign up for?

My ex (emphasis on ex) gained a good deal of weight after we married and became unkempt in his appearance. The flab and unkemptness combined to almost completely cost me my sexual desire for him and produced an incredible amount of frustration for me personally, including a basic contempt and disrespect for him. (More so because of his apathetic attitude.) Meanwhile, he couldn’t get enough of my size 5 frame. We have no right to “rob” our spouses of the attractive person we offered them at the altar and then demand their undying allegiance to our unattractive replacement. Ask yourself this: if you looked on your wedding day like you do now/at 50 lbs heavier, would there have BEEN a wedding day?! I trow not! Don’t punish your spouse—who fell in love with you as much physically (in part) as they did emotionally—by gaining unseemly weight and then accuse them for their shallowness or "lack of love" for you because their desire for you has waned. Wanting your husband to unequivocally desire you through a 50+-lb weight gain that you refuse to lose is merely your way of ignoring your own issues and not holding yourself responsible for letting yourself go. It’s simply not fair to either one of you or to the marriage itself.

That said, again Bulletproof, the above is in response to your subject--not a personal assault of your character or virtues whatsoever, and I'm not implying that it all applies to you. Food for thought, if nothing else. Thirty pounds isn't the end of the world. Fifty is another matter and more than that is inexcusable--certainly not in "youthful" years. (55 and below!) Grant your husband the gift of a desirable you again. Enlist his participation and invite his encouragement. If the flame doesn't rekindle, he's hidin' something.

PolkaDottedJams

How is he being cruel if he only answered truthfully what she pressed and squeezed out of him--which he reportedly "hated" telling her? This man keeps getting more and more grotesque with each post, when he himself apparently didn't bring the issue up; he merely responded to her prodding.

Enginerd

There seems to a basic premise here that a man should be attracted to his wife regardless of her physical appearance. As if he can control that attraction and he should just power through everything she chooses to do (Not talking about accidents or medical issues). I find this type of thinking to be delusional. My wife has never been a "skinny mini" type of gal. She has soft curves and I love them. I've always been attracted to slighty plump girls. I've never expected perfection and I think most men don't. I'm certainly not perfect. That said when she gained another 40 pounds on top of the +20 she already had it did affect my attraction and respect. She wasn't the same person. Everything changes when your 60 pounds overweight. You sweat more. You smell more. You can't move well. You may not be able to have sex in the same way. You are more unhealty. You have less energy. You have less clothing options. You might have lower self esteem. Your feet and knees get sore easily. The list goes on and on. I will never accept that an otherwise healthy person refuses to be accountable for their actions with regards to food and excersize. It's a bunch of PC crap that allows people to make excuses for their own bad behavior. America has completely lost perspective on this issue. In other countries people call a spade a spade. They say " Hey why are you so fat?".

Viseral

Well said!

PolkaDottedJamz

I second that motion! The man has spoken! Women, listen up!

brokenbythis

I gained 60 lbs when I was pregnant at 36 yo. I have lost 30 lbs of it, I have tried so hard. I exercise, watch watch I eat, cook healthy meals, don't drink alcohol, etc. I'm in my mid-40s now and I still try. I'm still attractive and dress well. I wear make up and do my hair. I take care of myself I just struggle to lose these last 30 lbs.

My estranged husband told me I was too fat and my weight gain affected his feelings towards me. Am I just a piece of meat?

Over the same 12 yrs of marriage and dating, he's ballooned to 285 lbs and yo-yo'd back and forth. Right now he's about 260. I've caught him placing personal ads on the internet looking for a "slim woman". Is he serious?

So if all that matters is how you look, what happens when you get old and wrinkled? Is that another excuse to leave you?

Like yours, my STBXH snores, sweats and farts non stop. Dresses like a slob. But I'm so unattractive????

Looks don't last forever....

ladybird

I personally think that your weight is an excuse for something else going on. Some one who is supposed to love you, should not ever make you feel bad about yourself

tiredwife&sahm

Whatever! Men listen up women don't want your beer bellies poking out about 10 feet either.

This is ridiculous. If she slimmed down today he would find her unattractive for some other reason. Honey, do yourself a favor start ignoring him completely. Stop including him and live your life even if that means being okay with no affection. My dh is passive aggressive. I know first hand about their abusive ways and nothing is ever enough. You'll never get him to meet your needs as long as you live. Passive aggressive people don't change and not because they can't, it's because they won't.

Serong

this world is so strange
I am a husband with 2 children. after having 2 kids, my wife is still as skinny as before we were married ..... and I hate it.
I expect my wife to be fat after giving birth because I love obese women, but she did not! and she never wanted to be obese even though I begged her so many times.

SomeDamagedGoods

Your husband probably feels pretty bad about not being attracted to you due to the weight issue. After all, what kind of shallow person stops loving someone when they gain weight? You mentioned it took prodding before he "confessed" about weight being an issue. At least he was honest about the matter - maybe he didn't say anything before because he didn't want to hurt you and he cares how you feel. Once it was out in the open, maybe a bit "too much" was said and that hurt.

This is causing conflict in his own mind and eventually triggers resentment toward you. You mentioned that he keeps in good shape - so weight loss and "looking good" he may view as easy things to do - and so the weight is viewed as you not caring much to look good for him. His workouts may even be his passive-aggressive way of dealing with this - "I'm holding up my end of the deal here."

I really feel for you - but I think you have a good attitude toward the situation. Ultimately you may lose the weight and discovered things about your husband you may not have known before, both good and bad.

This thread has a hint of husband bashing. Sure - maybe he deserves some blame here, but if you are trying to fix things up, then building bridges and getting things out the open is better than withdrawing.

Open up now let it all go

I don't think the natural aging process is unattractive, it happens to all of us. But excessive weight gain is a huge turn-off for me. My gf gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time as a result of emotional eating, bad eating habits and complete lack of excersize. I can't help but get some stomach turn when I look at old pictures of us back then. Were halfway our twenties and it should be the easiest to keep track of our weight now. I know there's people on TAM that consider smoking a turn-off and I can't imagine them getting grilled if they complained here that their partner all of a sudden became a full-time smoker. So why is weight management such a sensitive issue?
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Fledgling

It is one thing to do something for your spouse when you don't have alot riding on it emotionally. I don't care what my hair looks like but my husband likes it medium length, just brushing my shoulders. So that's how I keep it because I am not emotionally invested in my hair and he is. He could care less about having a beard or not. I like a beard on him so he keeps it. He does that for me because he is not emotionally invested in the beard and it makes me happy. If he got razor rash how shallow would I be to expect him to go through that pain just so I could like looking at him? But people are emotionally invested in their weight in one way or another. How they choose to deal with it is intensely personal (have you seen a vegan gag at the mere mention of a pork chop?). To have anyone state an opinion on something so personal breeds alot of counterproductive efforts. Just as overweight people resist losing weight, so an anorexic person can not force themselves to gain weight without becoming violently ill. No matter how much you love someone when you are intensely emotionally invested in something they will not hold any permanent influence over your actions. To expect a wife to lose weight for her family is okay as long as one knows that she is in charge and control and also that you can not punish said wife if she doesn't lose the weight quickly enough or doesn't lose as much weight as you think she should. The thing that I see with spouses who rag on their husband and wives weight is that somehow they will magically know when the spouse has lost "enough". Like magically they will somehow become instantly more attracted to their partner when they lose fifty pounds. And that they act superior that they can "tough it out" with the fat spouse while the overweight partner actually has to work very hard to lose the weight. IMHO, as I've said elsewhere, you lose weight easier when you become happier as a whole person, not as a person who focuses on their weight to make them happy.