Within the first three months after our first date, my (now) husband and I moved in together (along with my children from a previous marriage), and I got pregnant. We were young, dumb, and madly in love (or so we thought). We have now been together for over 20 years.
So of course; once we got to know each other, we had nothing in common. No interests, no friends, our families hate each other. it was gradual, but after about a year I knew I had made another dumb life mistake. It was emotionally exhausting but when the children were home I kept busy and sufferred through. It is getting harder and harder to be alone together after our children have left home.
He has a drinking problem. He does very well for long periods, but it always ends up with months of binging. This has led to infidelity many times(although he wasn't always drinking). He is very verbally abusive when he drinks and has come close to physical abuse with me a couple of times.
He is also very critical of everything I say and do. A lot of people think he is a dishonest know-it-all. This has led to my family avoiding him and him avoiding my family. We have no mutual friends and my friends stopped coming around years ago (some of that was me out of shame). His family has always treated my children and I like second class citizens. My family has stopped trying with him and his family a long time ago.
His children and I get along well, they have very successful lives now. My children (from a previous marriage) have struggled significantly, they haven't seen or heard from their biological father since our divorce 22+ years ago. My husband put on a show at first but he was always demanding and an "in my house, my rules" kind of guy. He was never really very good to them and I often had to intervene in his drunken lectures and near violent intimidation fits. Things are better now that they are adults but its hard.
I have sufferred from low self esteem all my life. I have gained over 100 pounds since we have been together. He has used this as an excuse to cheat more and he is obvious about his utter disgust with me although, he actually hasn't "used those words." He thinks I don't try hard enough to lose weight though I have dieted with moderate success many times. I just eat when frustrated. I have had to be treated for venereal diseases many time (I now have to get tested for STDs yearly and as needed, like thats not demoralizing). I have had sex with him all these years because I would rather get it over with so I can sleep (I have always worked full time-so has he but he is absolutely no help at home). I have had no interest in him sexually for years and years but I continue to sleep with him.
I have always been faithful to him ALWAYS. my mother nearly died of grief when my father left her for another woman so I have never had any desire to put anyone through that.
I wasn't very good to my kids due to my frustration (and limited parenting skills) of my husbands dis-satisfaction with them. This has really led to some debilitating guilt issues on my part. I think part of the reason I can't divorce him now is that I feel like I still need to be here sufferring to pay my kids back.
We just were never friends. He always wants to travel (which I hate) and do other things (that he wants to do) to become closer. When we do things I want to do he is a complete jerk the whole time. When he catches a womans eye or sees a woman he thinks is attractive; he walks really fast ahead of me. So much for spending relaxing restorative time together. I know he is ashamed of me because of how I look. We always end up in a big fight when we travel alone together. I get very emotional and anxious when we travel alone together. It is overall just very uncomfortable for me. It isn't as bad and I can tolerate travel with him and the kids/grandkids most of the time.
He won't leave me, he is like in this denial world where things aren't that bad. He denies messing around even though I have actually caught him in the act. He constantly pushes me to do things I hate to do, I am under constant pressure when he is at home. He gets very angry with me when I get mad at him (like I have some nerve getting angy with him). Yet he refuses to stop the behavior that makes me mad. I feel like we are beating a dead horse.
I am sure he is as unhappy as I am. He is very disapointed in our marriage and is pretty much disgusted with me. He is also tired of helping our kids get started in life. He is even jealous of the time I spend with the grandchildren (because I don't take as good care of him when I am busy with them) he says he is just kidding; but I know him well enough to know he isn't.
I think we are both too stubborn to leave. I think we should separate but I just can't seem to take that step. It doesn't help that our kids are against it. I think it is easier to stay than leave, "the devil you know" so to speak. I know there are other people out there who are going through the same sort of thing. It is a loveless, lonely life. I float between not caring at all and wishing things could be more tolerable. I doubt I will ever be able to look forward to spending time with him.
My first post is a book, sorry, I just don't know what to do. any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.