credamdóchasgra

I'm posting this thread because a part of me feels a little frustrated right now.

Frustrated because we sat down to dinner and I wanted to tell my H all about this truly interesting (to me) idea I had today for how to write a section of this huge writing project I'm working on for this national organization I work for.

I wanted his interest, support, enthusiasm. A smile. Didn't get it. Got "You should finish your fish before it gets cold." What am I, six? He also interrupted a couple times and questioned a part of my idea, like "Really? That would work?"

I kept going on for a few minutes about my great idea, the subject matter, stayed chatty because I was excited, then just dropped it. But walked away feeling frustrated.
Enter TAM.

Anyway, my point is:

He is exhausted. He worked almost 10 hours today, and brought work home, which he's doing right now.
He also stopped at a farmer's market and got a bunch of produce because I mentioned I need to go to the farmer's market.
He also stopped at a restaurant and got me a brownie and vanilla ice cream because yesterday I mentioned I've been craving a brownie sundae.
As I write this, I feel my heart warming and filling with appreciation and love for him.

Yes, it bugs me that he really didn't give me what I wanted/needed in that moment--some positive response and support and interest for the girl who spent the whole day alone with a laptop :/ Yes, it bugs me that he didn't seem to "get" it.

Sometimes he does give me that. It's a valid need I have for conversation, sometimes deeper conversation, sometimes about the obscure topics I write about. But it can't be every time and I need to accept that, and accept the ways he does show love. If I don't, I'll drive myself crazy.

Posting here made me feel better.

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Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.

Izzie

I'm glad you feel better by having vented

It sounds like typical marriage! When you're dating you stay on the phone for 8 hours until the wee hours of the morning and you can't get enough of each other. After marriage there is reality, work, bills, kids... You speak and hubby answers with "Uh-huh..." no matter what you said. Poor guy is tired after working and just wants peace and quiet and to enjoy his meal. Mom's feel this way after a long day with kids when husband comes home and wants to talk about his day at work.

The fact that he stopped at a restaurant and got you a brownie and vanilla is awesome!!! I know you feel disappointed but try to talk to him again at a better time when he is not too tired to listen.

I would focus on the fact that he still cares enough about you to do the "little" things that show how much he cares and that he pays attention to what you like

credamdóchasgra

Thanks, izzie. I'm conscious and cautious because we've been through quite a lot of ugliness in our past and I just want things to keep healing. There was definitely a time when he acted like there was no love there, so I'm watchful that we don't go back to that place.
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KathyBatesel

It sounds like he loves you and likes seeing you happy, but didn't understand what you were looking for at that moment. You worded it well here, and I can't help but wonder if you would get a different response if you said it up front to him. "Hey, I'm super excited to tell you about an idea I had. I'd love your feedback on it. Are you up for listening for a few minutes and telling me what you think?"

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credamdóchasgra

I was thinking about that, about asking him if he's "up for it" in a given moment. If he's not, he'll be honest and tell me "actually no, I'm tired and I don't feel like it right now."

I can tell when he's in the mood to be engaging and when he's not. I have to remind myself to keep my expectations realistic depending on--I hate to put it this way--his mood or at least the vibe I'm getting from him.

At this point in our story, I'm still vigilant and concerned that the "on" times outweigh the "off" times. Thanks for your feedback.

__________________
Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it.

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.