My husband doesn't want to do things with me
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Old 08-19-2012, 02:30 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband doesn't want to do things with me

Weíve been married for almost 30 years and have 2 children, aged 16 and 18. Prior to having children, we had an active social life. After the girls were born, our social life was done as a family (due to lack of babysitters). As the girls got older, I was looking forward to the two of us having time together again.

However, my husband doesnít want to do things with me. If I suggest anything, his first reaction is Ďnoí. Initially, I went along with this, but after a while I got fed up and started going places and doing things on my own. I always invite him, even though the Ďnoí reaction is hurtful. That worked for a while: I was doing things and happy (even though I would rather he joined me) but of late he has been moody at home and I know this is the cause. When I try to discuss things with him, he denies there is anything wrong and says Iím trying to cause problems and arguments.

Iíve tried to suggest things that I think he would enjoy: Iím prepared to try anything. I ask him what he wants to do but he doesnít make any suggestions. For a while, we went to dance classes but then he started making excuses and stopped going. We joined a gym but the same thing happened. He hasnít been to our holiday home with us for the past 3 years.

I donít want there to be at atmosphere at home. Iím a person who likes harmony. This week, I decided to give up the dance classes because I know theyíve been causing discord. Our happiness is more important than my hobby. I was calm when I explained. I said I didnít want to argue and rather than shouting back at him, I remained silent. He was angry and said that I was blaming him when he had never told me to stop going. He said I was giving him the silent treatment and creating an atmosphere when I was just refusing to argue. So, going was causing a problem but stopping has caused a problem as well.

When I ask him whatís wrong so that we can discuss it, he says thereís nothing wrong so we canít even get to the bottom of it. Iíd really like to get things into the open and work to resolve them because I think we can have a really good time together. Really all he wants to do is sit in front of the TV (itís on from early morning to bedtime). Thatís fine sometimes, but I donít want that all the time. In the future, I might be housebound and have no choice but while I have my health, I want to make the most of what life has to offer. Maybe I was naive to think we would just pick up where we left off when the children were born. I feel sad that what could be so good is turning sour when it neednít.

I know this is only my side of the story and he probably sees things differently but unless he gives me his side I canít tell you what it is. I would really welcome any opinions and advice. Thank you.
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Old 08-19-2012, 05:38 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to do things with me

Have you tried telling matter-of-factly that you'll be doing something jointly? "Honey, this Thursday we'll be going to the movies. What do you want to see?"
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Old 08-19-2012, 04:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to do things with me

sadwife,you're really need to get to the bottom of your husbands issues,before you become a very bitter woman.has your husband had a drs. physical lately? could be something simple .
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Old 08-19-2012, 08:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to do things with me

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Originally Posted by sadwife2012 View Post
He hasnít been to our holiday home with us for the past 3 years.
I found this very odd. How much time do you spend there, and where is he and what is he doing when you go?
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Old 08-19-2012, 08:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to do things with me

this Thursday we'll be going to the movies.
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Old 08-19-2012, 10:53 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to do things with me

This sounds like a classic symptom of depression. Sadwife, what was going on in your lives when you first noticed this kind of behavior, and how long ago was it?
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Old 08-20-2012, 12:49 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't want to do things with me

Thank you for your comments.

Telling him directly that we are doing something would cause an argument. I feel like he's frightened of enjoying himself.

I spend about three weeks at our holiday home. He stays at home and does the normal things: watch TV or work. I know this is a fact because last year one daughter stayed with him and this year the other one did.

I've often thought he might have a mild form of depression. He had an accident and lost his job over a decade ago (but has another one now) and I know that was a difficult time for him. I went to the doctor at the time to see if I could get some help for him but they said he had to approach them himself and so I had some counselling to help me deal with it. It's difficult to say when the current issue started because our lives had to be different because the children were dependent on us. I guess unless he feels there is an issue, there's nothing I can do. I say "you don't seem very happy, is there a problem?", he gets angry and says "I don't have a problem, you're the one with the problem, there's something wrong with you". That really hurts and makes me doubt myself. Like I say, I can't resolve issues for him. So, how do I live my life within this situation so that I can be happy without rocking the boat?
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