General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hello kind readers. I am back after what was a long and exhausting summer. I almost went back to escorting twice, had dates lined up and everything, but sabotaged it at the last moment, its just didn't feel right, it really must not be the right career or intimacy choice for me. At the same time (well, on the off times) I was fairly caught up in an emotional affair with a married but recently separated man who I had been crushing on for years. He is the owner of a business I frequent, and one day he just started taking a big interest in me, but is on and off again with his wife all the time and I finally woke up and realized for the last time, I won't ever get mixed up with a married man again, even if he is separated. I also have this new neighbor who I adore, she is the most darling person ever, totally hot too, and her husband cheated on her some years ago, for years. I think he may have been testing the waters with me and I shut him down hard, and now he doesn't like me anymore and doesn't want her to be friends with me even. Maybe I was just being overly sensitive to the situation and over reacted, but she says she is very thankful for me and how I handled it, so it must have been the right thing to do. She has brought me some sort of insight, to see how it affects her still, its made it real for me, thats for sure.
So I bother you with all this because in my fairly short lived first quest to better myself, one thing that really tripped me up, was this exercise where I am supposed to fantasize about being in a normal relationship. Like that it would be like, how two people who are in love interact, what it feels like, ect. I can't. Sometimes my brain shuts down when trying because its too painful. I fear that I will never get to experience it in life, and I don't want to tease myself by thinking about it even. Those times that I was feeling strong and would try, I didn't know how. I couldn't imagine the feelings, what is it like to be in love? I have good friends who are deeply in love, and I know I should probably have this conversation with them, but honestly I am too wrecked over the subject to be able to speak about it yet. Plus I know we all have real problems in our lives (including myself), bothering my friends with "Waaa, I don't know what love is" seems stupid. So if you would please, what is it like to be in a normal, happy, loving, respectful relationship, and get to fully express and recieve the love and appreciation you share with your spouse? I feel like I am really ready to face myself and figure out what about me is so defective, so I can assure you, your words won't be wasted. Thank you.
words cant explain it. I was 22 when i first finally liked someone after that relationship ended i eventually met my wife and fell in love. I wish i had it earlier i was never one of those lucky people to have had so many wonderful beautiful relationships i hardly dated and when i did it was nothing special maybe its sappy but i had always wanted that so bad i did not view relationships like most people viewed them around me.
Being alone and having those feelings is horrible i dont wish that on anyone. Especially those who never get the attention they need or have love. Id imagine its better to have loved and lost than never have loved.
I think a lot of life is you get what you put out. How you act and surrounded yourself with your own mind takes you places. Though one thing that you can never do is time relationships or time how to find someone. Because you can hang around good people all the time who you relate to and like and never meet that someone. That is what is sad if you think about it.
We've been together 25 years and yes we have our issues... but I still get excited when I hear his car come up the driveway each evening. I make it a rule to stop what i'm doing and go greet him, give him a big smile and a hug and a kiss. I want him to enjoy coming home to me as much as I enjoy seeing him.
He does the same for me when i come to him.
It's when someone elses happiness is at least as important as your own.
Gold member thank you. I always thought of myself as a hopeless romantic. However, I have just never been the the kind of girl a guy wants to be with on a real level. Not in middle school, not in high school, or college either, and not now that I am a working professional with a good job and my own place, everything except someone to share it with. I have so much love to give, I would make some good man the most wonderful girlfriend, and an even better wife. I literally feel like I have gone to waste, like, I can't believe there isn't a guy out there that wants to be with me? It feels soul shattering sometimes.
I agree with you completely on better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. Its not an age old saying for no reason. My younger sister became a widow at a much to young age, when the man she loved for over a decade tragically died in a car accident. While I am extremely sad for her/his/our whole family, I am also extremely jealous of her, she had nearly half her life (at the time) with the man she loved.
While I am somewhat isolated by my job now, even during times when I was very very social, I would have casual sex sometimes, but the whole relationship thing just never happened for me.
Waiwera Thank you. I can relate to all those little things, thats comforting to me
I am in love for the first time at 44. I wasn't sure I had the capacity and wondered if something was wrong. I think it was more the way I had been treated by my ex (yep, never loved him) and after that I was ready to settle with a guy I dated for 9 months thinking that would be as good as it would get and was looking for security.
And then I met him. Swore I'd never date another separated (not divorced) man. Yet I did. I think about him constantly, check emails and text to see if I'd heard from him. Miss him if I haven't heard from him recently, fantasize about him when we aren't together and can't imagine not having him in my life. I wish I could see him every night and want nothing more than to support and cherish him and have him there to lean on when I need to.
Don't have a clue. I thought I did twenty years ago, but it turns out that I was just delusional since what I had was a one way street and now that I'm single and realize I don't even miss her, it's apparent I never "loved" her or her kids.
They say you have to "love yourself" in order to be capable of loving an other person. I pretty sure that isn't going to happen very soon because one seldom "loves" a stupid person.
My sister asked my husband and I this exact same question. I heard being in love is the equivalent of eating a lot of chocolate, but I think that my husband explained it exactly.
When talking to divorced couples, I hear that "so and so" was intolerable. They couldn't stand the way that their ex-spouse chewed, every little thing drove them crazy. (This excludes cheaters and abusers because some things can't be tolerated at all.)
He told her, "I can tolerate writer." At first, I was dumbfounded than I was slightly angry. He can tolerate me? WTF. I always expected an answer about fire-works going off every time he sees me.
Then, I thought about it. He tolerates me enough in his life to share it with me. He doesn't want to strangle me every time he sees me. He still desires me as much as he did when we met. I am the same way.
I think that is it. The love is a feeling of tolerance and acceptance. It's blissful to be able to share some of my thoughts and fears with someone that I know won't judge me. A spouse standing by my side. They can say "No, writer. That just doesn't make sense" when my ideas get too big. To me, that is love. Oh, and a giant Hersey's Bar.
If I had to describe how it FEELS to be deeply in love....
In the beginning ...it is that Butterflying feeling of "I can't stand to be without them" ...you crave their presence, you get all giddy when they come near
As time goes on, some of this settles down a bit... then a "warming" feeling floods over you when you think about them...(this has been proven in Brain scans of those in love).. So much of this is chemical /hormonal mind you.
You will want to share all of your secrets with this person (well I did!)....your lover, your best friend .... you FEEL an overwhelming "acceptance" from them ....(if you don't , I wouldn't call it love).......
Genunine LOVE is ABOUT ACCEPTANCE of the whole person....even those annoying flaws/imperfections.... doesn't mean they love everything you DO (or they do).... or mistakes you've made in the past....but they lovingly take you as a whole....and still ....want you inspite of your missing it at times (or his missing it at times).... will gladly take the good with the bad.
And this this person will hold your hand tightly while walking beside you to accomplish whatever your goals --together, listening & being your #1 fan....or you his #1 Fan.
You should feel "admiration" for someone you love, you will feel Treasured by them, you will RESPECT them..... you will want to speak highly of them when they are not in your presence & defend them if someone cuts on them -like a Momma Bear.
You will have this longing desire to bring them JOY....because they have brought you such happiness. The near thought of something happening to them -would bring tears to your eyes (Yeah, that is MUSHY, but you did say you was a Hopeless Romantic!).. Did a thread on that here - has the definition explained pretty well >>
Another one ....when you hear a Love song come over the radio, suddenly you are there...every word resonates with your heart- how you feel about this Person...you see him, you see your own love story.
Even after years... all of this can remain if you keep the Romantic Spirit alive.... nurturing it....enthusiam ... passion, a happening sex life - emotionally connected, Laughter, Do FUN things, a willing commuication, honestly in all things, commitment, faithfulness....all essential... if you want Love to flurish.
If I had to describe how it FEELS to be deeply in love....
In the beginning ...it is that Butterflying feeling of "I can't stand to be without them" ...you crave their presence, you get all giddy when they come near
As time goes on, some of this settles down a bit... then a "warming" feeling floods over you when you think about them...(this has been proven in Brain scans of those in love).. So much of this is chemical /hormonal mind you.
You will want to share all of your secrets with this person (well I did!)....your lover, your best friend .... you FEEL an overwhelming "acceptance" from them ....(if you don't , I wouldn't call it love).......
Genunine LOVE is ABOUT ACCEPTANCE of the whole person....even those annoying flaws/imperfections.... doesn't mean they love everything you DO (or they do).... or mistakes you've made in the past....but they lovingly take you as a whole....and still ....want you inspite of your missing it at times (or his missing it at times).... will gladly take the good with the bad.
And this this person will hold your hand tightly while walking beside you to accomplish whatever your goals --together, listening & being your #1 fan....or you his #1 Fan.
You should feel "admiration" for someone you love, you will feel Treasured by them, you will RESPECT them..... you will want to speak highly of them when they are not in your presence & defend them if someone cuts on them -like a Momma Bear.
You will have this longing desire to bring them JOY....because they have brought you such happiness. The near thought of something happening to them -would bring tears to your eyes (Yeah, that is MUSHY, but you did say you was a Hopeless Romantic!).. Did a thread on that here - has the definition explained pretty well >>
Another one ....when you hear a Love song come over the radio, suddenly you are there...every word resonates with your heart- how you feel about this Person...you see him, you see your own love story.
Even after years... all of this can remain if you keep the Romantic Spirit alive.... nurturing it....enthusiam ... passion, a happening sex life - emotionally connected, Laughter, Do FUN things, a willing commuication, honestly in all things, commitment, faithfulness....all essential... if you want Love to flurish.
I think he may have been testing the waters with me and I shut him down hard, and now he doesn't like me anymore and doesn't want her to be friends with me even. Maybe I was just being overly sensitive to the situation and over reacted, but she says she is very thankful for me and how I handled it, so it must have been the right thing to do. She has brought me some sort of insight, to see how it affects her still, its made it real for me, thats for sure.
An insight well needed. It seems you are in a state of questioning, coming to the realization....your old lifestyle will NEVER bring you the happiness & fullfillment your heart longs for. Build upon those insights...everything WE do can have an impact on another , possibly ripping someone's heart out. You no longer want to walk this path.
Sounds your neighbor has been putting up with a man who likely needs divorce papers handed to him. That is a man who is not showing LOVE.
Quote:
Sometimes my brain shuts down when trying because its too painful. I fear that I will never get to experience it in life, and I don't want to tease myself by thinking about it even.
It is sounding as though you have "numbed" your emotions , your vulnerabilites over the years in this regard .... don't know your whole story ....but as an example.. when we deal with difficult emotions (such as shame, grief, fear, dispair, disappointment sadness)....people tend to engage in behaviors that cause NUMBING ....to take that edge off so they won't feel the discomfort or pain. It becomes a way of life.
But as hard as it may Be, you are on the right track to LEAN into the vulnerability of this discomfort, so you can effectively deal with this.
I have a video & a book suggestion for you ... these are not about Romantic Love but just trying to find ourselves, our authentic selves so we are CAPABLE of expressing and receiving Genuine Love when it comes our way.
Click on the link in the 1st line in this thread >>
And this is the BOOK Brene Brown wrote (the speaker in that video)....which explains all of this in a very easy to understand way... If there was ever a self -help book to get to the heart of our insecurities or just FEAR of vulnerabilty --it is THIS >>>
Good luck on your journey, I think the majority of people have some measure of holding back here, you are not alone by any means. We've all got some things to work out, sounds you are young with a full life ahead of you.
Hello kind readers. I am back after what was a long and exhausting summer. I almost went back to escorting twice, had dates lined up and everything, but sabotaged it at the last moment, its just didn't feel right, it really must not be the right career or intimacy choice for me. At the same time (well, on the off times) I was fairly caught up in an emotional affair with a married but recently separated man who I had been crushing on for years. He is the owner of a business I frequent, and one day he just started taking a big interest in me, but is on and off again with his wife all the time and I finally woke up and realized for the last time, I won't ever get mixed up with a married man again, even if he is separated. I also have this new neighbor who I adore, she is the most darling person ever, totally hot too, and her husband cheated on her some years ago, for years. I think he may have been testing the waters with me and I shut him down hard, and now he doesn't like me anymore and doesn't want her to be friends with me even. Maybe I was just being overly sensitive to the situation and over reacted, but she says she is very thankful for me and how I handled it, so it must have been the right thing to do. She has brought me some sort of insight, to see how it affects her still, its made it real for me, thats for sure.
So I bother you with all this because in my fairly short lived first quest to better myself, one thing that really tripped me up, was this exercise where I am supposed to fantasize about being in a normal relationship. Like that it would be like, how two people who are in love interact, what it feels like, ect. I can't. Sometimes my brain shuts down when trying because its too painful. I fear that I will never get to experience it in life, and I don't want to tease myself by thinking about it even. Those times that I was feeling strong and would try, I didn't know how. I couldn't imagine the feelings, what is it like to be in love? I have good friends who are deeply in love, and I know I should probably have this conversation with them, but honestly I am too wrecked over the subject to be able to speak about it yet. Plus I know we all have real problems in our lives (including myself), bothering my friends with "Waaa, I don't know what love is" seems stupid. So if you would please, what is it like to be in a normal, happy, loving, respectful relationship, and get to fully express and recieve the love and appreciation you share with your spouse? I feel like I am really ready to face myself and figure out what about me is so defective, so I can assure you, your words won't be wasted. Thank you.
When I was younger, I couldn't even get a guy to look at me, let alone ask me out. I was never "cool" in jr high or high school, or college for that matter. In high school, I went to prom with a group of girls as I was never asked. I wasn't ugly or anything, but just never had guys who were interested. At the end of high school I decided that I no longer cared about trying to find a boyfriend. I spent my time focusing on school and hanging out with good friends. I met new friends in college and joined a couple groups. I finally accepted myself for who I was/am and was happy with myself. I think because I learned to love myself, others wanted me as well.
As the saying goes, "you can't truly love someone, until you love yourself." That's a good starting point.
After being in college a couple months, I got asked out often. I went on numerous dates and found out exactly what I was looking for in a date/future spouse. I then met my husband and we started out as friends, which obviously turned into more. He loves and accepts me for who I am, with all of my flaws. It's almost like a safety net in which I can go to him about anything that is bothering me and I know he won't judge me harshly. He encourages me to be my best and will always defend me if someone says something negative. The relationship is not 50/50, it's 100/100. We give our all for each other to make sure we are both happy. Yes, there are ups and downs and irritating things that each of us do, but those are small things in the big picture.
That is a beautiful story Anonymous07......just goes to show no matter where we've been or how bad it looks, how dark, how lonely.... it can all be turned around.
When I was young and lovesick, it always seemed so wrong to me that love stories always end tragically...but the longer I live the more I believe this is real life. I had (and I think most people have too) a soul mate type of connection once. It's hard not to compare everything to that relationship. I've often wondered why it seems like such strong connections seem to end badly.
With this man, I felt like I finally found what I'd always longed for. I hated to go to work and leave him. I'd watch the clock and get excited when it was almost time to get home to him. I got a lot of joy doing things to make him happy..AND it was reciprocated! We never argued. I couldn't imagine having to live my life without him in it. I felt complete. It was like I was living my life looking through rose colored glasses....
When I had to end it, I thought I would die from a broken heart..literally. I was physically ill. It took me a year to recover. It made me fearful and cautious about falling in love again. Another thing that confirms my belief that the greatest joy in life can also be the greatest sorrow.
Enjoliwoman thats so awesome that you have true love now! Sometimes I think that I would at least rather settle for what I think of as fake love, but then I know that is not a good way to live either.
hookares I am not sure I buy the whole love yourself before someone can love you thing either. I have seen love happen to people who have so much self hate.
Writer, how long have you two been married? Were there sparks and fireworks ever, or has it always been a pretty even keel relationship? I of course don't know if its true, and I am sure its one of those things one can't put any boundaries on, but I have heard that the best relationships are not the ones that start out on a big high, and then fizzle down to a maintaining level of emotions, but the ones that have always been at that sort of happy medium. I know I am not explaining it well, probably because I don't know what I am talking about LOL!
SimplyAmorous thank you for your responses, I will check out all the links you posted. I lurk and read on this forum, and I can always tell that you and your husband are so deeply in love, that you are just connected. It seems like its really, um, like reviving or something! I would love to have just a fraction of that feeling some day. Its "funny" you say I sound numbed. In the few therapy sessions I had, the therapist said that too, and that I essentially need to get my head back with my body. I get it that I need to face the pain, but I honestly have no clue how to do it myself! Nothing I have found yet as far as the self help goes, is geared towards single women. Its like even the psychologists that write the books just assume that even the most ****ed up women have men who love them. Yeah, I remember now, that was another reason why I ended my quest. Therapy become too expensive, and everything else was for people in relationships. Its so a reflection of my tangible life! I go along trying to keep everything together myself, fixing and patching **** as needed, but I don't really have the skills or knowledge to do a real job of it. LOL! Eventually I hire someone to fix **** around here, handymen cost a lot less then a therapist though Lol.
Anonymous I really like that what you say about the relationship being 100/100! That is really cool! I think that has hurt me the worst is that I had guys interested in me, for sex, I was never worth being a girlfriend. I read just last night on this forum, someone has a guy friend who she values very much and considers him to be a top notch guy. He said women are "invaluable treasures" or "disposable pleasures". It was like the summary of my whole sexual life, a disposable pleasure. It sounds like you are an invaluable treasure type of woman
Dixieangle a wise friend of mine told me something along the lines of, "There is no emotion equally as uplifting, as it is fatal" or something like that. I imagine that is how I would feel to be free to explore my feelings of love for someone. I have seen all too much the devastation of true love being ripped away too early. My littlest sister who was widowed at such a young age, she's a trooper and she acts like she's doing well, but I can tell, that big part of her is died with him. Its tragic, and yet, I still envy her somehow?
Writer, how long have you two been married? Were there sparks and fireworks ever, or has it always been a pretty even keel relationship? I of course don't know if its true, and I am sure its one of those things one can't put any boundaries on, but I have heard that the best relationships are not the ones that start out on a big high, and then fizzle down to a maintaining level of emotions, but the ones that have always been at that sort of happy medium. I know I am not explaining it well, probably because I don't know what I am talking about LOL!
We've been married for six years, been together for eleven. In December, it will be seven years married, together for twelve. Since I met him, I have been attracted to him. All the fireworks and sparks have been there, and they still are. We've met online, through AOL. The attraction, friendship, and relationship was almost instantaneous.
I haven't always held my husband in the highest regard. He wasn't meeting my emotional needs. So, in '06, my opinion and respect for him waned. Of course, then, I was one of those people who didn't communicate to my husband what I needed.
After much introspection, redirecting my thoughts onto my husband, and talking to him about it, our marriage has since flourished. When I look at him, I still get warmth. I look forward to our time alone.
However, the tolerance and acceptance defining love. My mother was very emotionally distant growing up. Never once had she told me she loved me, and to this day she doesn't (32 years after I was born). I was pushed to succeed, to make the family (and my mother) proud. At the same time, everything that I done, she would shot down. I should have made a higher grade on the paper, I should have come in 1st after coming in 2nd at an art show. Never once (still to this day) has she praised me. In fact, the one person that I trust, my mother, ended up, ignoring me when I truly needed help. While I was loved by many of my family members, I sought long and hard for my mother's approval.
Starting out (and even during our rough patches), my husband has given me the acceptance and support that I needed. My soul hungered for some form of acceptance; he provided (and still does) it. I tend to be eccentric in my ideas and thoughts, and I need someone who can rein me back in.
I am a very introverted person and so is he (to an extent), hence the tolerance comment to my sister. I hate having my space invaded. I prefer to be alone and work on whatever it is that I am working on. The worst part of returning to visit my relatives for me is the actual visitation. Imagine, an author who prefers solitude, and you will have me. In fact, my family used to call me a hermit because I preferred reading books and writing my stories over others. My husband and daughter are one of the only ones that I trust enough to allow into my life. In short doses, everyone else is fine. It's the extended periods of seeing people that I find uncomfortable. With my husband, I still crave my alone time; it allows me to reboot. But, sharing my life with him doesn't bug me like it would living with others.
__________________ Nothing is more noble, nothing more venerable than fidelity. Faithfulness and truth are the most sacred excellences and endowments of the human mind. - Marcus Tullius Cicero
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What is it like being in love? 
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