General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
jaquen made a comment in another thread that there is a lot of good advice here, "but there is a tendency to make everything so deep, involved, and complex. And sometimes it is just not."
I have often thought about that. Are the keys to a good relationship really as deep as it seems? When I first came here a couple of years ago, I thought I must be the dumbest guy in the world. How did I reach 40 and not know all this stuff that it takes to make a marriage work? i was dumb enough to think that a person should just be who they are, and somewhere, sometime, there will be someone who wants you and loves you for who you are, and with that, it will work out despite someone's shortcomings.
If two people really have a deep love for each other, does it really matter if one of them missed the love languages book or if the husband is a little too nice? I've often thought that maybe my x wife just never loved me from the start, and that is why she thought all the things that made her unhappy were such big issues.
I think they are "deep" in a sense it's just my dam "irrational" mind that over thinks everthing and makes it much more complicated then it needs to be sometimes.
No it is not that complicated.
My grandparents didn't read the love languages book, and they lived happily until death.
My grandfather fought in WWII , and my grandmother never had an affair.
He never read Married Man Sex Life , nor No More Nice Guy, but he was the leader of the home.
It is not that these books and all this information is bad or unnecessary.
Its just that sometimes we forget the fundamentals.
Love ,Respect , Family Values ,and a sound Moral foundation.
No it is not that complicated.
My grandparents didn't read the love languages book, and they lived happily until death.
My grandfather fought in WWII , and my grandmother never had an affair.
He never read Married Man Sex Life , nor No More Nice Guy, but he was the leader of the home.
It is not that these books and all this information is bad or unnecessary.
Its just that sometimes we forget the fundamentals.
Love ,Respect , Family Values ,and a sound Moral foundation.
My grandparents were married 51 years before my Grandpa died. I just think the love, respect, family values and sound moral foundation has sadly gone out the window for most.
I think people are more aware of what they want now, and all we really want is to be happy. Many couples back in the day sucked it up and lived a miserable marriage.
No it is not that complicated.
My grandparents didn't read the love languages book, and they lived happily until death.
My grandfather fought in WWII , and my grandmother never had an affair.
He never read Married Man Sex Life , nor No More Nice Guy, but he was the leader of the home.
It is not that these books and all this information is bad or unnecessary.
Its just that sometimes we forget the fundamentals.
Love ,Respect , Family Values ,and a sound Moral foundation.
I agree. I guess i got my training from observing my parents and grandparents, and it just never seemed that complicated. Most of the deep advice of today never even crossed their minds. It seems like if they ever did give advice, it was always a "one-liner." My grandmother told me, "Just be good to each other and love each other and you'll have a happy life." Hmm. That seems simple. I guess she should have handed me an 800 page manual according to modern beliefs.
I think people are more aware of what they want now, and all we really want is to be happy. Many couples back in the day sucked it up and lived a miserable marriage.
The more we know, the better it is.
I see your point to a degree, but i think marriage has come to be all about fun and movie style romance these days. Men and women don't need each other the way they once did; it's more of a recreational thing now. All people want now is the person who is the most fun, and when the fun dies down, they are ready to move on.
When you met the grandparents they already got over the bumps, they went through all what we went through and I am sure they also considered "bailing out" sometimes, most of them hung in and reaped the rewards but there really is no such thing as happily ever after and yes from reading books from the Victorian times, they had affairs even then. Lets keep it real. They had fewer choices, the more you know, the more complicated life gets. Even in marriage, the younger generation feel entitled men and women alike, I think these books can make things worse. I didnt know about Love tank till I read Love Languages now I think I am also entitled to one that should be filled. It is what it is now , the Bible says "too much knowledge is weariness unto the soul".
I think we do have a tendancy to romantize those who lived in prior years.
My parents would benefit from learning about each other's love languages, but they have been fighting each other for so long I think it has become habit.
My grandfather had a long term affair (30 years) until my granddmother was put in a home when he divorced her to marry his AP. My grandparents did not have a happy marriage. Neither did my other set of grandparents, although they both died in their 50's from alcohol abuse.
None of my aunts or uncles have/had happy marriages, as far back as I have been made aware of family history, there have been few happy marriages.
With all of the tools we have available now days, it should be better, but people are stil people no matter when they lived.
Maybe I'm just tired but, I got quite a bit of good thought out of this one. I can see both sides.
Mom's parents slept in separate bedrooms. I don't know if they talked much. They were married over 55 years. Sounds to me like they may have wanted to live apart at times, not sure. Grandfather was a machinist. Not sure, but I think grandmother graduated high school.
Dad's parents were married for many years and I don't know how many. They were really poor, but happy. They had love between them. I can remember that even though I was so young. Grandma had a third grade education. Granddad had a first grade education.
jaquen made a comment in another thread that there is a lot of good advice here, "but there is a tendency to make everything so deep, involved, and complex. And sometimes it is just not."
I have often thought about that. Are the keys to a good relationship really as deep as it seems? When I first came here a couple of years ago, I thought I must be the dumbest guy in the world. How did I reach 40 and not know all this stuff that it takes to make a marriage work? i was dumb enough to think that a person should just be who they are, and somewhere, sometime, there will be someone who wants you and loves you for who you are, and with that, it will work out despite someone's shortcomings.
If two people really have a deep love for each other, does it really matter if one of them missed the love languages book or if the husband is a little too nice? I've often thought that maybe my x wife just never loved me from the start, and that is why she thought all the things that made her unhappy were such big issues.
I actually think it is just like that..........you just need both people on board!! Put others before yourself, bend don't break, dream together, plan futures, be real, be open, have the hard talks, have thsoe dates nights, that is how is should be.
All these mental games on both sides are just that....games!!
I've wondered the same thing--when I look at other people.
But I can only speak for myself, and one thing I know about myself is that I don't do *anything* the easy way...so why should my marriage be any different?
I don't say that in a cynical way...I just know myself. I also married a guy who brings some complications to the table :/
But ironically, the more I've learned about myself and "how to be married" and all that...the more I'm seeing that some of the keys are really pretty simple. A lot of times it's our own egos that just make things complicated when they don't need to be.
I think that it has a lot to do with instant gratification. People are expecting to go into a marriage and everything work out okay without putting in the necessary "work" on themselves and the relationship, and I do not mean finding out love languages and all that jazz.
You know, I would really love for my husband to love me for who I am, but what if 'who I am' is not healthy for me nor my husband?
The necessary "work" for me is to be the best I can be and to work out my emotional baggage and not unload it on him at every chance I get. Unfortunately, in the past, we have both been known to do this, but gradually, we are working through this and learning to be intimate on a much higher level.
I'm convinced what makes it complicated is more and more people are emotionally damaged or stunted. We are a society that is losing touch with how to be in long term relationships. Then we have all forms of media telling us what our lives should be look like and we feel depressed because it looks nothing like that. We feel dissatisfied and the first place we look is at our spouses.
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Is it really that complicated? 
