General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm looking for advice on how to start a conversation with my W on her weight. No matter how I do it, she will be hurt and upset. She will probably lash out and cry. I think she knows her weight is a problem but she is in denial. I think she is probably waiting for me to bring it up because she can then attack me for being insensitive, instead of taking ownership over the issue.
I love my wife. I will not give her an ultimatum. I vowed to love her in good and bad times, in sickness and health. This is a health issue. But I didn't vow to like the way she looks no matter what. She has gained a little weight every year, so now she is probably 50 lbs over her wedding weight (I'm probably 10 lbs over mine). She has never told me her weight, and I'm not dumb enough to ask. I didn't get too worried after the kids, but its been over 10 years since the last kid was born. She was a size 6 when we got married, and now she is a size 14. I don't need her to be a size 6, but I started to have issues when she got above a size 10.
She exercises and attempts to lose weight. But it is feast or famine. She went to Weight Watchers for a while, but when she plateaus, she gives up. She says that she doesn't cheat on her diet, but I don't know. When dieting doesn't work, she'll do a lot of exercise, but she hurts her ankle or her back because is carrying too much weight, and she'll have to stop. We are fairly active together. We walk, swim, ride bikes. She is not a couch potato. She says that she just can't lose the weight. She has a lot of issues with artificial sweetners, so diet foods are out of the question. She also gets wicked head aches if her sugar levels get low, so dieting is tough. From a health standpoint, other than her weight being in the "obese" category, she is medically very healthy.
The sex is still good when she wears sexy outfits or we watch porn or use toys, but I need that something extra to get past how she looks. I think the last straw was yesterday when I saw her outside wearing prego jeans that fit way too snug and really bring out the worst parts of her. She really needs to be on that show "what not to wear". Her wardrobe is awful. She dresses like she is a size 10. But women don't want to hear fashion advice from their husbands.
Help. I need to encourage her to make changes, but I don't want to torch the marriage in the process. I love her, but I don't like how she looks.
Re: How do you have the "your too fat" conversation?
I won't even touch on the 'what not to wear' comment - but has she seen a doctor? My sister, 27 years old, recently started to gain weight, despite eating very well and exercising. She has a thyroid problem. Suggest a doctor's visit.
Re: How do you have the "your too fat" conversation?
If you already know how it might end up, then don't bring it up.
You also stated she is not a couch potato. She does try, and she exercises some, she has tried diets etc. So its not like there is no effort.
You also said you vowed to love her in good times and bad, in sickness and health, but that you didn't vow to love the way she looks no matter what. Well if you vowed to love her in good and bad times, in sickness and health then yeah you did! And you said its a health issue then love her anyway.
"She needs to be on the show, What Not to Wear, her wardrobe is awful! Sounds like a put down and not love. I hope you don't come across to her like this in RL. She could actually have a medical issue that hasn't been diagnosed. Her thyroid should be checked, maybe her age or hormones play a role.
Re: How do you have the "your too fat" conversation?
"How do you have the "you're to fat" conversation?"
You don't! My suggestion is since you feel its a health concern go with that. As in do not mention weight, but maybe mention you are going for a physical and you think its good she get one too.
Its been to my understanding, if a person is trying to lose weight, diets, exercise etc, and nothing is working, then it could be something else going on. As others have said, her thyroid does need to be checked. How old is she? Could she being going through hormonal changes? You mentioned her sugar levels too, she need to be checked for diabeties too.
Re: How do you have the "your too fat" conversation?
DON'T bring up your wife's weight, she's already aware of her weight problems.
If YOU want to help her lose weight (and help yourself in the process), then
1.) Buy a new diet book. I recommend South Beach Diet book. I have known men AND women who have had success on this plan AND it can be used LONG-TERM -- no special foods, nothing other than food you can buy at ANY grocery store.
2.) YOU begin helping to prepare the meals. Yes, Y-O-U. Don't just 'talk' about it, DO IT. Help prepare breakfast the night before; ensure the ingredients and recipes for healthful lunches and snacks are prepped. Come home from work READY TO ASSIST your wife in preparing the meal (not just setting the table, but actually CUTTING, MEASURING, COOKING, etc.) You will probably have a lot of fun together once you get the hang of working in the kitchen together. You will also show your wife that you're serious about helping her and teaching the kids how to live healthily.
IF South Beach Diet does not work, look at WHY it didn't work, then choose ANOTHER diet based on those factors and TRY IT AGAIN.
Sitting on your butt, griping about your wife's weight, offering advice but NO HELP...is NOT the way to gain a stronger marriage with your wife or set a good example for your kids.
I won't even touch on the 'what not to wear' comment - but has she seen a doctor? My sister, 27 years old, recently started to gain weight, despite eating very well and exercising. She has a thyroid problem. Suggest a doctor's visit.
Be careful though....anything to do with weight with women is a landmine! :P
Re: How do you have the "your too fat" conversation?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeapordy
When dieting doesn't work, she'll do a lot of exercise, but she hurts her ankle or her back because is carrying too much weight, and she'll have to stop. We are fairly active together. We walk, swim, ride bikes. She is not a couch potato.
I don't think I'd have this conversation, b/c it sounds like she is trying. On her clothes, I def wouldn't get on her about that.
As far as exercise, there is usually some alternative if she has back issues. Swimming, recumbent bikes, etc.
Re: How do you have the "your too fat" conversation?
Hmmm, so how do you ask a callous insensitive question in a way to not appear to be callous and insensitive? I have no idea.
I do feel for your situation because your attraction to your wife is based mostly on the physical and that can make it tough. Have you considered what your sex life will be when you're 60? Even if she's back to a size 6? You're not wrong for feeling attraction based on mostly the physical, but I know it's not easy, and unfortunately the years aren't friendly to that.
Here's what I'd try to do
1. Try to find new ways to find her more attractive. Think of what she does, how she is for you etc. (this is assuming a very loving wife)
2. Approach things from a you perspective. Talk about how YOU want to change the overall diet in the household for YOU. (If you have any health issues, high blood pressure etc. that you're on any meds, this becomes much easier because you can attribute it to that)
3. Try an increase activity levels more than they are now.
One of the best ways to lose weight is to eliminate calorie laden beverages. Try and get rid of them somehow. Get everyone drinking water.
Re: How do you have the "your too fat" conversation?
Another thing to consider too, if she gets checked out by her medical doctor and things look good and no problems there, then it could be an emotional thing. Some people are emotional eaters, which means there is something else going on. She's been hurt, or holds some kind of anger/resentment about something, food is comfort for people like that. Kinda like someone who is hurt or angry but chooses to drink or uses drugs etc to numb the pain. If this could be the case do you think she would be up to seeing a counselor?
Re: How do you have the "your too fat" conversation?
There are a couple very good suggestions here about cooking, doctors' visits but no one wants to touch the wardrobe issue. I see a LOT of women wearing stuff that makes me wonder if they own a mirror. I don't know what your income is but lots of nice department stores have personal shoppers. Maybe for her birhday, anniversary or holiday you could set her up with a pre-paid gift card ($500, $1000 - whatever is in your budget) and tell her she deserves some pampering. Not only will she look better while she gets her weight under control, but she will feel better about herself.
This hits home with me because I'm a size 16 (5'7" and active/fit) but was a size 8 or so when I married. However I'd always had weight issues even as a child so the 8 was a low weight for me at 125lbs. and was difficult to maintain. Eventually his criticism (including measuring my upper arm when pregnant) turned me off to sex completely and he threatened to cheat because he did not marry a fat person.
I get it that maintaining ones' appearance is important, not letting yourself go, but criticism is NOT the way to do it - it will destroy her self-esteem and her trust (she trusts you with her feelings, too) and other issues will arise.
Re: How do you have the "your too fat" conversation?
Do you do the cooking and go to the shops to buy the food? If not you should start doing it. That way you can make sure that you only buy and cook meals with healthy food and not processed junk.
It sounds like you need to loose some weight as well, so why don't you suggest that both of you buy bikes to keep fit or go walking? It's easy really, the truth is most people get fat because they are too lazy to eat well or exercise. You have to look after your own health I'm afraid. :-)
Re: How do you have the "your too fat" conversation?
1.) You don't approach it as a weight issue.
2.) You make household wide lifestyle changes.
3.) If you don't like the way she dresses, buy her some clothing that looks good on her, compliment her on it. Build up her self-esteem. She feels poorly about her outward appearance, and dresses the way she feels. I do this as well, so I can completely empathize with her.
She already feels bad about her weight, that's why she's trying to work on it. Work WITH her, exercise together, bike rides, walks, running... do it TOGETHER.
The headaches from low blood sugar are concerning, as is the fact that she can't seem to lose weight despite trying. Suggest she get checked out by a doctor. It might be thyroid, or it could be something like PCOS, type 2 diabetes, etc.
Re: How do you have the "your too fat" conversation?
You say you're 10lbs over your marriage weight. Have you tried heading to a gym or going for a run yourself?
Chances are she'll have the motivation to do this if you stick with her and workout too. Especially if you start getting early results. The key is to work together, push each other through the bad times (plateaus) and encourage each other when it's working well.
It's all well and good saying she needs to lose weight (just don't say it to her), but in marriage things can often get comfortable, and without any real drive to do anything to kickstart a healthier lifestyle it often doesn't happen. The best way to plant the seed, without the offence, is to start yourself and tell her you would like her encouragement by only eating healthy food etc too.
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How do you have the "your too fat" conversation? 
- but has she seen a doctor? My sister, 27 years old, recently started to gain weight, despite eating very well and exercising. She has a thyroid problem. Suggest a doctor's visit.
