General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
He stopped dating you. Unortunately a very common problem (and one that I fell into). This may be where your doing so much for him hurts you. He may have gotten lazy, or naive or just does not get it or some combination. But he is thinking he already has you so he does not need to do anything else.
Perhaps telling him you need him to keep dating you will get through to him.
I'll try wording it like that and see if it makes more sense to him.
No it sounds like you are doing nothing wrong. You get what you put out by and large so that is all i can say i suggest you two keep talking about these issues? Hopefully he puts more effort in.
I can't tell if it's just that I'm not a "romantic" person, or that what you are looking for is that "feeling" that comes from infatuation (which.....like you mentioned....doesn't have any lasting value).
I don't understand the concept of "he's not dating you anymore". Of course he's not----you're married. There should be a difference between when you were dating....and now (besides the sexual relationship). I think that's just something that's used to sell books and get people into seminars (personally). I don't mean that being married is boring, either. It's just that there ought to be security (not complacency) and fun in everyday things (my opinion).
I don't mean to offend you....but, it really sounds as if you are using the term "romance" (and the ideologies behind it) as a substitute for the kind of love that comes from knowing a person over time.....having them be faithful to you.....someone you can trust....and someone that's added to your life by just being their own person---someone you look up to and appreciate. Infatuation is something you have to continually repeat.....love lasts, and has lasting effects.
**There are "feelings" associated with love as well.....so, please don't take my post to mean that I'm saying that being emotional is wrong. It's not. Discounting the sense that something is "off" would be wrong....IMO. I just am of the opinion (and admit that I can be wrong) that you are looking at the wrong thing, and thus will never be satisfied (until you recognize the true issue). IOW........if you are dehydrated, yet think you need a Starbuck's coffee---loaded with sugar & caffeine---you are still going to be thirsty.
Can you relate to some of this (mostly the bolded)?
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When I first learned about intimacy levels, I was a sexual health educator going into schools and colleges teaching young people about saving sex for marriage. But God, the ultimate multi-tasker, began using what I was teaching others to show me what was happening in my own marriage. My husband and I had sex before we were married…very early in our relationship. Here we were now around 20 years married, and I was struggling with two things. First, I didn’t enjoy sex, and couldn’t understand why. Second, I didn’t feel emotionally close to my husband. In fact, I often felt lonely in my marriage and desired that we could share more deeply with each other.
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I never felt completely known by my husband, because he didn’t really know me, and I didn’t know him. The early sex had robbed us both of experiencing the highest level of intimacy and here we were 20 years later, still speaking for the most part just below the feeling level. Yes, we’d go there sometimes, but it was scary when it started creating conflict, and so I’d scurry back to that safe place…talking about the kids, money, what we’d do for the weekend.
C2W,
I pulled a bad recollection from the memory bank when I read your post yesterday. My response was over the top. I apologize. Consider it retracted.
I understand why you feel deprioritized. And your H is the final authority on his effort level. If he acknowledges being lazy - he is by definition being lazy.
Your anxiety is highly correlated to the imbalance in your respective levels of effort. You will feel better if you exercise more. That doesn't mean you should go to the gym if you do not wish to. It means that when you are feeling anxious the last thing in the world you want to inflict on yourself is an absence of endorphines. I say this from personal experience, not from textbook reading.
Peace
Quote:
Originally Posted by Created2Write
Yes, it is my responsibility to go to the gym. I never said it wasn't. But he has made it a higher priority in his actions, then he made me. I came second to the gym, or at least, that's how things seemed to me based on his laziness to do things for me, and his energy to go to the gym. What else was I supposed to think?
I haven't forced him to choose between me and the gym. Geez, I already said that I haven't made him stop going. I have told him that I want him to go, and that I'm willing to go too. Hell, I have continued to go with him, despite how I felt, though not as often as before. I told him how I felt about the gym, and he understood, and I told him that I still want it to be apart of our lives, I just have to get past the negative connotations that were attached to it for a week or two. I even reiterated it just now so that there wasn't any confusion between us.
He made it clear, even when we were dating, that exercise is important to him. It's important to me too. But, when I see something getting more effort than I am in our relationship, how can I not feel negatively about it? No, my stopping working out is not his fault. I made that choice, and I allowed the negative feelings to control my actions. But his choices also contributed.
It's like you guys are trying to find things to criticize me for. No, I'm not perfect. I've screwed up too. But I don't feel that I am in the wrong here, and my husband has said that he doesn't think I am either.
So what would you suggest I do, then? I have my husband telling me that he is lazy when it comes to meeting my needs...that it's not my fault, and that I haven't done anything to cause him to stop...and then I'm told here that I'm selfish, and that I'm forcing him to choose between me and the gym when I'm not.
I'll try wording it like that and see if it makes more sense to him.
Wording... In the "What are your expectations?" thread I just mentioned I had to ask my wife to "use little words". It made me feel an idiot but it really helped me with the hear/listen thing. May or may not be an issue for you(s).
C2W,
I pulled a bad recollection from the memory bank when I read your post yesterday. My response was over the top. I apologize. Consider it retracted.
I understand why you feel deprioritized. And your H is the final authority on his effort level. If he acknowledges being lazy - he is by definition being lazy.
Your anxiety is highly correlated to the imbalance in your respective levels of effort. You will feel better if you exercise more. That doesn't mean you should go to the gym if you do not wish to. It means that when you are feeling anxious the last thing in the world you want to inflict on yourself is an absence of endorphines. I say this from personal experience, not from textbook reading.
Peace
Yesterday hubs and I went for a short run to get ourselves back in the game. My body reacted terribly to it...but I know the benefits will be worth the pain. I'm anxious to get back into the grove. I ran a couple 5k's this summer and tore up my shins, so now that they've healed back up my legs don't feel like they're going to fall off. lol. And that sure helps.
Anonomous...a little. I feel like we know each other, but I feel that when it comes to the intimacy of our relationship, we're at a stand still. And not necessarily sex, although my health issues have made it difficult.
I don't understand the concept of "he's not dating you anymore". Of course he's not----you're married. There should be a difference between when you were dating....and now (besides the sexual relationship). I think that's just something that's used to sell books and get people into seminars (personally). I don't mean that being married is boring, either. It's just that there ought to be security (not complacency) and fun in everyday things (my opinion).
Let me clarify what I mean by dating. I am talking about active steps to 1) connect with and 2) impress your partner. To often, couples think that once the marriage occurs, everything is roses. Its not. You live with the other person, you see their bad habits, and it becomes easy to sit on the couch in your awful clothes and not engage.
An important part of dating is connecting with your significant other. Continuing to work on connecting is important, because people continue to change even after marriage. By connecting, you keep up with that change and work to change together.
Another important part of dating is impressing your SO. She wants me to think she is the hottest thing around. I want her to think that I am a blast to hang around with. It keeps excitement in the relationship. Hanging out on the couch watching reruns of Seinfeld while in my boxers and stained t-shirt does not really send that message.
Dating your spouse does not mean romantic candlelight dinners every night, or roses every weekend. It does mean making sure that you do some fun date type things fairly regularly. Stuff like going to an arcade, or hiking in the park or writing her a corny love letter. Life is full of stress and crap. Dating your spouse helps to give you a place where you can have fun with the one you love.
Let me clarify what I mean by dating. I am talking about active steps to 1) connect with and 2) impress your partner. To often, couples think that once the marriage occurs, everything is roses. Its not. You live with the other person, you see their bad habits, and it becomes easy to sit on the couch in your awful clothes and not engage.
An important part of dating is connecting with your significant other[/B]. Continuing to work on connecting is important, because people continue to change even after marriage. By connecting, you keep up with that change and work to change together[/B].
Another important part of dating is impressing your SO. She wants me to think she is the hottest thing around. I want her to think that I am a blast to hang around with. It keeps excitement in the relationship. Hanging out on the couch watching reruns of Seinfeld while in my boxers and stained t-shirt does not really send that message.
Dating your spouse does not mean romantic candlelight dinners every night, or roses every weekend. It does mean making sure that you do some fun date type things fairly regularly. Stuff like going to an arcade, or hiking in the park or writing her a corny love letter. Life is full of stress and crap. Dating your spouse helps to give you a place where you can have fun with the one you love.
I completely agree with you on the need to connect---engage---be interested. That comes from an internal motivation....and that's what I'm trying to express---not all people recognize the importance of that in relationships. Some see marriage as the finish line......not an ever-growing.....ever-changing bond that needs attention and focus.
With the ones that perceive marriage as the finish line (especially with the 'there's no going back' philosophy) there can be very little motivation to genuinely connect. They will feign the effort (to make the complaints stop), but until they are motivated from within.....there's going to be very little growth and change. I think that the efforts to motivate externally only bring more resentment and cause a greater gap, too.
Another thing about trying to motivate externally is......I think the focus is on the means (how are we going to get there)....and not the attitude. Created2Write had posted a while back saying that their dates are dull (or something along those lines). I think that's because of (again....just throwing speculation out there) the lack of a mutual motivation towards connecting.....being engaged....and making even the mundane.... memorable. If two people are committed to that---then even going to the grocery store can be a "date" that's a cherished memory.
I love your last line.....and if that were everyone's motivation for marriage, I doubt we'd have the divorce rate we have. The trouble is (I believe)....not everyone has that as their attitude or aim.
ETA~ There are going to be times that there will be a conflict over what's more important: connecting or having fun. IMO....how one chooses is based on whether they're more interested in immediate gratification or short-term sacrifice for long-term gain. Immediate gratification doesn't bode well for the long term.
We move into our new place tomorrow. It's closer to his work(right across the street, actually) so he won't be as tired when he comes home, and he won't have over an hour in commute time. I'm excited, because this means more one-on-one time together, in our new place. That in and of itself is romantic and fulfilling.
We also closed our account with our old gym, and opened one with a new gym that is a thousand times better. Our old gym had three functioning treadmills, and one bike for cardio. Bleh. This new gym has a whole room dedicated to cardio alone; treadmills, stair masters, allypticals(I don't know how to spell that word), different kinds of bikes, etc. And they have a whole room for weight training, which is my husband's passion. And all of the classes are included in the monthly cost(whoo!) and we're only paying four dollars more a month.
I want us both to be healthy and happy. Exercise is important to him, and deep down it truly is important to me. My mom was very overweight the majority of my childhood and teen years, and she had no fashion sense, and I was embarrassed to be seen with her in public. I don't want my husband to be embarrassed of his wife, and I don't want to become obese(I'm a healthy weight currently) and have to lose hundreds of pounds, when I can prevent that from happening now. I also hope that, by going to the gym together, we can enjoy each others successes.
As far as my needs go, things have been...well, on the back burner. Moving is a lot of work. He's had to work overtime everyday for the last two weeks, so when he comes home he usually eats, and we relax before going to bed. I'm hoping that after the move things will adjust.
He did buy me some surprise jewelry online from a discounted website about three weeks ago. It's a beautiful pearl necklace with matching earrings, and he wrote me another sonnet(I did not expect that!!). Even without the jewelry, the sonnet would have been more than enough. I know it took him a while to write. And he promised to memorize my favorite love poem, so that he could recite it to me. That was his own idea, too.
I think that once things get settled and we have a schedule we're committed to, our relationship will become more personal than it has been lately. My sex drive has come back rather strongly, and it didn't take much from him. I really, really want us to be healthy people in a healthy relationship.
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Re: Am I doing something wrong, here? 
That was his own idea, too. 
