How can I win back my wife's heart
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Old 08-24-2012, 07:59 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy How can I win back my wife's heart

okay, brief history. I met my wife 10 years ago, I was still married to my ex at the time but I fell madly in love with current wife. Left ex to be with current wife but it was a rocky start from the outset. I felt she was controlling and nagging, I had anger issues. We got married 7 1/2 years ago, after about a year and a half she found I had been looking at internet pornography and accused me of cheating on her with those women I had looked at online. She sort of forgave me, but always brought it up when we fought and said if I ever did anything else to betray her trust then it is OVER! Fast forward 6 years, our communication was usually fighting (my fault most of the time) and our intimacy was next to nothing. I started talking to a woman from work about my marriage issues (HUUUGE mistake) and she told me about her marriage problems. There was no physical attraction to this person, but the conversations became increasingly sexual in nature. I never physically touched this person at all. I am new to this, so I guess this would be called an emotional affair? This went on for about 4 months until my wife found the emails about a month ago and lost her mind. She is threatening divorce, we're still living in the same house but I'm in a different room. She also found out I had been randomly chatting online with anyone and everyone when I was on business trips. I never really got help before. I tried telling her that I just needed someone to talk to, I felt lonely because we fought all the time. She doesn't buy it, she thinks I'm just a sick pervert and not a good man at all. I keep trying to tell her that I do truly love her, because I left everything I knew, family and friends back where I grew up with to be with her because she insisted on living in her home town. I even have a son from my previous marriage that I left behind as well to be with my wife. It is against our religion to drink alcohol as well, but whenever we would fight I would leave the house and go get a drink somewhere because I felt alone, away from my family/friends missing my son, etc. I am serious about getting help and changing to be a better man, I am now going to counseling and addiction (sex/pornography/etc.) support group sessions four times a week and I am willing anything else if it would help her heal. I'd even move out of the house, sign divorce papers (then try to win her back and re-marry), anything to help take away this pain that I've caused. At this point she is talking to an old boyfriend, because he went through something similar, he got divorced and she is seeking advice. That makes me crazy because I fear she could be developing feelings for him, even though she swears she could never be with this guy. She said she was the one who broke it off with him and she could never have feelings for him. I can't really say anything about her talking to him either because of what I've done. What else can I be doing to help my wife heal, help her trust me again and salvage my marriage??
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Old 08-24-2012, 08:41 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can I win back my wife's heart

Unless you BOTH go to marriage counseling, probably nothing will change. She will always hold resentment against you, will never address her anger/controlling issues and you (and probably she) will look outside your marriage to lean on someone to tell your problems to.
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Old 08-24-2012, 08:46 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can I win back my wife's heart

You've got a lot to make up for with your wife and as you seem to realize, most of it is on you.

Stay in the therapy and work at making yourself a better man. That is all you can do at this point. Hopefully in the long run it will be enough for her.

IF she takes you back down the road, the two of you should then get some marriage counseling too and try and find out WHY your marriage has been rocky from the start (other than the issues with yourself that you have raised here)

Good Luck
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Old 08-24-2012, 08:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks for the response Chris. She has gone a couple of times with me to the counselor I have been seeing, so it seems like she is willing to attend some counseling but she sits there fuming and seems like she has checked out. She keeps telling me she just needs time, she needs her space to figure this whole thing out. She seems like she is just going about it her own way. I don't know what I would do if she actually files for divorce. I guess I would still try to get help and then try dating her again if she hasn't already found someone and just start over. I've asked her if we have any hope whatsoever and she tells me to stop asking her that, she just doesn't know right now. Its been about 4 weeks since the initial discovery and a little over 2 weeks since I just let everything out and came clean about drinking and the online chatting and everything. I wanted to be completely honest with her even if it meant ending our relationship.
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Old 08-24-2012, 08:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks Toffer, that is good advice. I have owned everything I did and I make no excuses for it. What I did was wrong and horrific. I have told her over and over that I am willing to do anything to have another chance with her. She said "Don't do all of this thinking that it is going to save our marriage. Don't do this stuff (counseling, group therapy, etc) for me. Do it for you." So, that is what I will continue to do. I am willing to do anything and everything to be a changed man. I am now honest in every little thing with her and I gave her all of my email addresses/phone passwords and told her she can look at any time. Oh, I didn't mention before, but I have also cut off all communication with the other person. No "hey, so, sorry about this, but I can't email you anymore", nothing like that, just BAM! Complete break of all communications. In the end, I am willing to do anything to win back my wife's love and heart, I just hope she hasn't already started developing feelings for this other guy. The shoe is basically on the other foot now, I was the one who was untrustworthy, now I have to trust her and trust that that there is nothing more than just advice going on between them like she says. She is very very religious as well, which helps because she said she would never break her covenants to me, even though I broke them with my actions.
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Old 08-24-2012, 09:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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What is even more amazing is she still asks me to see if I've eaten and if I'm taking care of myself. After everything I've put her through, she is concerned about my welfare!??! Who does that?? What a fool I was before for not seeing how amazing this woman is. Blinded by my own stupid selfishness and pride. She has made me fall even more in love with her than I ever was before.
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Old 08-24-2012, 10:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Just keep working on yourself regardless the outcome of your marriage

Hopefully things have not been damaged to the point of no return
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Old 08-24-2012, 10:50 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks Toffer, I definitely will. I keep pulling up these posts on the internet of what I would think is far worse behavior in the marriage, and these people seem to work through it. For instance, things like this:
Why I Stayed After My Husband's Multiple Affairs - Yahoo! Voices - voices.yahoo.com

I am meeting up with her to pick up some lunch, we'll see how that goes. I'll just try to be upbeat and positive. I've been depressed and down most of the last month.
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Old 08-24-2012, 12:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Yes, I have shared this with her. Even at lunch today, when we went to go pick up food together, I just poured out my heart to her and told her how much I loved her, how much more I was in love with her now than ever before.
I told her verbatim "what is even more amazing is you still ask me to see if I've eaten and if I'm taking care of myself. After everything I've put you through, u r concerned about my welfare. What a fool I was before for not seeing how amazing you are. Blinded by my own stupid selfishness and pride. You have made me fall even more in love with you than I ever was before." She didn't even blink. I asked her if she was starting to have feelings for someone else and she said that "I told you I need time and space for myself. I've asked you not to pressure me and that is what you are doing by asking me those questions." Then she said "I told you the other day I feel dead inside. That hasn't changed. I feel nothing." So I said "I understand. I feel something similar for what I've done to you, but nothing close to the pain I've caused you. I will respect your wishes. Take all the time and space you need to heal. I will not bother you anymore." I'm just going to keep going to counseling for myself and remind her that I love her from time to time and I'm willing to do anything to salvage our relationship. But at this point I have to let her go I think. That hurts because my eyes are for once clearly opened as to how special and beautiful she is. I guess the saying is right, "You dont know what youve got til its gone". This is the hardest life lesson I've ever had to learn. I'm losing my soulmate. Oh and I found out I'm losing my job in a couple of months, so this is just getting piled on top of that. I'll be a stronger person at the end of all of this though, regardless of the outcome of my marriage.
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Old 08-24-2012, 10:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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So, you left your wife and child for another woman...I believe you know what a lot of us want to say.
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Old 08-24-2012, 10:59 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can I win back my wife's heart

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Originally Posted by willng2doanythng2reconcyl View Post
Yes, I have shared this with her. Even at lunch today, when we went to go pick up food together, I just poured out my heart to her and told her how much I loved her, how much more I was in love with her now than ever before.
I told her verbatim "what is even more amazing is you still ask me to see if I've eaten and if I'm taking care of myself. After everything I've put you through, u r concerned about my welfare. What a fool I was before for not seeing how amazing you are. Blinded by my own stupid selfishness and pride. You have made me fall even more in love with you than I ever was before." She didn't even blink. I asked her if she was starting to have feelings for someone else and she said that "I told you I need time and space for myself. I've asked you not to pressure me and that is what you are doing by asking me those questions." Then she said "I told you the other day I feel dead inside. That hasn't changed. I feel nothing." So I said "I understand. I feel something similar for what I've done to you, but nothing close to the pain I've caused you. I will respect your wishes. Take all the time and space you need to heal. I will not bother you anymore." I'm just going to keep going to counseling for myself and remind her that I love her from time to time and I'm willing to do anything to salvage our relationship. But at this point I have to let her go I think. That hurts because my eyes are for once clearly opened as to how special and beautiful she is. I guess the saying is right, "You dont know what youve got til its gone". This is the hardest life lesson I've ever had to learn. I'm losing my soulmate. Oh and I found out I'm losing my job in a couple of months, so this is just getting piled on top of that. I'll be a stronger person at the end of all of this though, regardless of the outcome of my marriage.
First off, stop grovelling to her!

Sure, you did some things wrong, and you'll need to make amends. The way to do that is to make changes in your behavior, not through begging and questioning. Showing your insecurity only makes you look weak, and weakness is what got you into this boat.

She still cares, but she's punishing you through her own behaviors, and we all that two wrongs don't set things right.

If she hadn't found these e-mails and was behaving the way she is, what would happen? If the behavior wasn't acceptable before, then it's not acceptable now. If you breached that trust, then as a couple you can part ways, set new boundaries about what is acceptable, or uphold the existing boundaries and make changes that prevent violations of it again.

So if I was in your position, I'd offer to let her place a keystroke logger on my computer so she could see for herself that I was not repeating any behaviors that could breach her trust, but I wouldn't tolerate her behaving in a way she wouldn't accept from me.
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Last edited by KathyBatesel; 08-25-2012 at 12:07 AM.
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Old 08-25-2012, 08:47 AM   #12 (permalink)
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First off, stop grovelling to her!

Sure, you did some things wrong, and you'll need to make amends. The way to do that is to make changes in your behavior, not through begging and questioning. Showing your insecurity only makes you look weak, and weakness is what got you into this boat.

She still cares, but she's punishing you through her own behaviors, and we all that two wrongs don't set things right.

If she hadn't found these e-mails and was behaving the way she is, what would happen? If the behavior wasn't acceptable before, then it's not acceptable now. If you breached that trust, then as a couple you can part ways, set new boundaries about what is acceptable, or uphold the existing boundaries and make changes that prevent violations of it again.

So if I was in your position, I'd offer to let her place a keystroke logger on my computer so she could see for herself that I was not repeating any behaviors that could breach her trust, but I wouldn't tolerate her behaving in a way she wouldn't accept from me.
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Old 08-27-2012, 11:21 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Thank you for all of the posts, it is very helpful. Recent update from the weekend. We had started cleaning the house up on Saturday because she has wanted to move for quite a while now and the discovery of the EA has become a catalyst to fast forward the process. She didn't really talk to me much all day, she screamed at me for losing a hat that I used of hers and she told me again "I hate you" and said I didn't give a crap about the hat just like I didn't give a crap about her. I poured my heart out to her again and she basically didn't even blink. She just seems cold at this point. No emotion. I have called up a mental health group to get a psych evaluation and also called up an anger management to sign up for one-on-one sessions. These are things I never did before and I know they were points of contention. I'm just hoping it isn't too little too late. At one point her parents (who absolutely love me and have told her to forgive me and try to work it out) said I could stay at their place for awhile if I needed to. So when we were going to the store I told her "I talked to your parents, they said I could stay there for awhile. I will head over there if you need your time and space." No answer. Then I said "Whatever you want, I can leave later today. I will respect your wishes." Silence. Then we get in the store and she says, "Hurry up, just get stuff for you to have at our house during the week already." So, she had her chance to get me out of the house and proceed with whatever she wants (pursue another guy, file for divorce, etc.) and she didn't take it. I don't want to read that much into this, but my thought is if it were completely OVER she would have said, "Yeah, beat it. We're through." So at this point I have no idea where her mind is at. As far as I know she hasn't seen a lawyer or started any proceedings yet.
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Old 08-28-2012, 12:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Most recent activity: I have been giving my wife her space, she asked me if I wanted to meet her for lunch and of course I DID!! I sent her a text later that said she looked amazing and she normally hasn't been responding to my texts, but she came back with "Thank you". I will just keep working through the process, doing the things that I need to do and hopefully we will eventually be stronger than we ever were. Thanks again for all of the great info, it is a huge help.
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Old 08-30-2012, 11:44 AM   #15 (permalink)
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willing to do anything: i respect you for trying, giving this marriage a chance. most men would give up. Its seems she is willing to make it work doesnt want to give you up. my husband was talking to other women same as you and we are separated but still trying. we are both religious so this helps because we realize that marriage is sacred so this helps and may help you in your case. talking to one another helps alot weve noticed that. willing to do anything, i hope everything works out for the both of you i can see you still love her very much. take care
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