Originally Posted by willng2doanythng2reconcyl View Post
Yes, I have shared this with her. Even at lunch today, when we went to go pick up food together, I just poured out my heart to her and told her how much I loved her, how much more I was in love with her now than ever before.
I told her verbatim "what is even more amazing is you still ask me to see if I've eaten and if I'm taking care of myself. After everything I've put you through, u r concerned about my welfare. What a fool I was before for not seeing how amazing you are. Blinded by my own stupid selfishness and pride. You have made me fall even more in love with you than I ever was before." She didn't even blink. I asked her if she was starting to have feelings for someone else and she said that "I told you I need time and space for myself. I've asked you not to pressure me and that is what you are doing by asking me those questions." Then she said "I told you the other day I feel dead inside. That hasn't changed. I feel nothing." So I said "I understand. I feel something similar for what I've done to you, but nothing close to the pain I've caused you. I will respect your wishes. Take all the time and space you need to heal. I will not bother you anymore." I'm just going to keep going to counseling for myself and remind her that I love her from time to time and I'm willing to do anything to salvage our relationship. But at this point I have to let her go I think. That hurts because my eyes are for once clearly opened as to how special and beautiful she is. I guess the saying is right, "You dont know what youve got til its gone". This is the hardest life lesson I've ever had to learn. I'm losing my soulmate. Oh and I found out I'm losing my job in a couple of months, so this is just getting piled on top of that. I'll be a stronger person at the end of all of this though, regardless of the outcome of my marriage.
First off, stop grovelling to her!
Sure, you did some things wrong, and you'll need to make amends. The way to do that is to make changes in your behavior, not through begging and questioning. Showing your insecurity only makes you look weak, and weakness is what got you into this boat.
She still cares, but she's punishing you through her own behaviors, and we all that two wrongs don't set things right.
If she hadn't found these e-mails and was behaving the way she is, what would happen? If the behavior wasn't acceptable before, then it's not acceptable now. If you breached that trust, then as a couple you can part ways, set new boundaries about what is acceptable, or uphold the existing boundaries and make changes that prevent violations of it again.
So if I was in your position, I'd offer to let her place a keystroke logger on my computer so she could see for herself that I was not repeating any behaviors that could breach her trust, but I wouldn't tolerate her behaving in a way she wouldn't accept from me.