Closure

broder62 · 08-26-2012, 07:16 PM

I'm a HUGE fan of closure conversations/meetings/etc. Like any loss, like a death for example, your relationship is a loss, it's a death in so many ways. We have funerals for death because it brings a formal closure to the life and relationship with someone else. I'm not a fan of the NC, make it quick and firm break-ups. Doing NC seems like a kidnapping situation for a family. They have questions and no answers. It's hell. This person you were once closely in love and intimate with and I think it's important to formally and mutually have closure as formal as first date - and take the time to talk, question, (not argue or fight or try to change someone's mind) but to release the emotions, whatever they are, with the other person (as long as it's in the framework of polite). Everyone dreads the break-up - the dumper and the dumpee, but, I've just ALWAYS when I have broken up, even though it wasn't announced, had a closure conversation with my girlfriend, and, I even have an open door policy if they want to get together again by phone to ask a remaining question and would even meet with them one more time if needed (though it's never been needed) because I want them to not hurt, and feel out of control more than necessary. Either it's good-bye forever or we reframe it into friendship - I just take closure very seriously for myself and for them. I think it's healthy and almost (almost) necessary unless there is some extreme situation like domestic violence - but, I think most people dumping the other just "don't want to do it" but I think it's healing - like a funeral. What do you think?

Miss Taken · 08-26-2012, 10:31 PM

I think closure is healthy but I don't see where getting closure and No Contact are incompatible. Personally, I'm separated and have been for a week. There will be time for a closure discussion if it ever comes down to it but for now, I need No Contact for my own personal sanity, healing and peace.

If my STBX approached me to have a closure meeting or talk about any of his feelings right now, I'd have to tell him to flip off (definitely wouldn't say "flip" though). Right now is not the time to discuss re-framing our relationship into something else. The wounds are too fresh and situation is too current. Down the road perhaps.

I think No Contact is rather healthy for something like I'm going through but just because I need to have limited contact now, doesn't mean I always will. Situations change and people also change. I do think closure is good but like I said, I don't think it's incompatible with the idea of no contact whatsoever. You can have No Contact for a long time and then come back for a closure discussion later or you might find that you don't need closure at all.

Shaggy · 08-26-2012, 10:36 PM

Closure for a cheater is like giving a murderer a minute with his victim or a robber a minute with the loot

Cheaters do no get such niceties,they don't deserve them.

Maricha75 · 08-26-2012, 10:39 PM

In the event of infidelity, NC IS the closure. When the spouse agrees to make the marriage work instead of leaving and continuing with the AP, that is the choice being made... that is the closure. A NC letter, or text, or email is sent to tell the AP it is over.

Broder, I understand it is tough, but you need to stop torturing yourself with this. She played you. You know this now. Chalk it up to a lesson learned. Give it some time and you will find a woman who it truly meant for you.

Writer · 08-26-2012, 11:03 PM

In other relationships where there wasn't infidelities involved, I would agree.

However, this is not one of those. NC is the closure, here. Every time your name pops up, it will set their R back. Her husband will be reminded of everything that happened between you and her. He will remember your letter. It will cut him. Deeply.

As for her. My own AP tried to fish for me again a couple years later. Because he was blocked from my facebook page, my email, and my cellphone, he decided to pursue me the only way he knew how. Through my fan page that we set up the year he tried to initiate contact with me.

I will not sit here and lie. Seeing his name and picture set myself back. I remembered every minute that I had with him. Every single text. I was eager to get the rush from him again. Even as I blocked him from the page. I proceeded to block him because I wanted to stay loyal to my husband and, at the same time, sent a text to my husband about the contact.

I know you are hurting. I know it's difficult. The best thing you can do is move on. Find a woman who is not spoken for. This is a learning experience for you. Take it for what it is worth.