How to make a marriage work, after so much hurt?
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General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

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Old 08-29-2012, 05:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to make a marriage work, after so much hurt?

I've been married for nearly 3 years, after a whirlwind relationship.

It is my first marriage, and my husband's second. We each have adult sons. My husband's wife left him for another man.

I found out I was pregnant with our first child, two days before our wedding (so the pregnancy was NOT the reason for the marriage).

When I was 7 months pregnant, my husband went abroad on holiday, on his own. I admit things had been a bit rocky - I have bipolar, and had to stop my meds when I conceived, and came down a bit. I missed my son (who wanted to live with my parents), and f(secretly) resented my stepson living with us, especially as he went in the bathroom, when DH was in the bath, and had hissy fits if we tried to bathe together.

DH went on holiday again - alone - when our baby was 4 months. When he showed me his holiday photos, I spotted two coffee cups, on the apartment table. He explained this away, saying that the cups were so small, that he had to make two at a time. He does have large cups, but it struck me as odd, and I still bring this up.

I got pregnant again when our first child was 7 months. DH decided he didn't want the baby, and tried to force me to have an abortion (we'd decided to have a couple of children when we married). I didn't abort, and eventually DH came round to the idea.

Our daughter died. I was induced, and my womb ruptured, I nearly died too.

Of course this made things harder. I was (and still am) in awful mourning. I reached to him, wanting to be physically close, and intimate, with him... but he rejected me, saying I was a 'turn-off'.

We've pretty much pulled together now, and things are much better. But there are things I just can't let go, and I am now sabotaging things, and don't know how to stop.

Firstly - I found about 20 photos of my husband's genitals, on the camera. He swore that he took them to send to me (when having DC1). I never got them. He now accepts that they look like the sort of photos you find on sex dating sites, but says I should believe & trust him.

Secondly - He had a female friend when we met. I guessed there was something between them, and DH admitted that she seduced him, and wanted to be with him (before me). He ended it, but she still liked him. I told him that I didn't want them to be alone with her, as she'd managed to seduce him in the past - he agreed. Then after DC1 was born, he used to go to her place to fix things for her. I also came home one day, when pregnant with DC2, and found her in our house. I don't think they did anything at all, and DH admits she was making excuses to see him, but he can't accept how inappropriate this was.

Our sex life has improved some. But I still feel he doesn't take my emotional needs seriously. I've told him that I want him to make me feel special - wanted. I've asked him to come to bed earlier, as when he comes to bed after 1am, and wants sex, I'm tired (with an insomniac toddler), and it's just so boring... quick and non passionate, like a cursory sh*g, instead of wanting me.

I've tried to initiate, but even if he gets aroused, he'll push me away if we're watching TV. I just want him to 'want' to take time together, cuddling, massaging, being together.

I also wish he would spend time with me, doing things. He recently got a gun, and every time I've tried it, I've hit the bullseye - something I'm actually good at. I hoped we could do this together, but he said I'd have to arrange a babysitter if I want to do it too - heck it's his child too, he has as much responsibility to find a babysitter as me - it's not my child to look after, and he gets to have fun. What's annoyed me more, is his son is coming down, and he's planning to take him out shooting. Everytime his son comes I have to fight for attention. I go to bed at the same time as our toddler when stepson is here, as DH likes to talk to him & watch films. He takes him out for dinner & drinks, and NEVER takes me out. He did say I could come too, but I don't want to date my husband with his son present - I believe he should take me out more than his son.


I feel like a housemate, who is OK when there is nothing more important on.

I've found it so hard to cope lately, with not having a spare second, that I've had meltdowns, I've lay in the bedroom, not talking for hours, just crying. I want our daughter back, I want my husband to feel I'm special. I want to be valued.

Heck this is long, if anyone reads this I'll appreciate it. I guess I just sound like a spoiled brat though
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to make a marriage work, after so much hurt?

sunshine

you do not sound like a spoilt brat. You have had a tough time.

Wishing you well
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Old 08-29-2012, 10:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to make a marriage work, after so much hurt?

Thank you Tryingtobebetter
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Old 08-29-2012, 11:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to make a marriage work, after so much hurt?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshine&rain View Post
What's annoyed me more, is his son is coming down, and he's planning to take him out shooting. Everytime his son comes I have to fight for attention. I go to bed at the same time as our toddler when stepson is here, as DH likes to talk to him & watch films. He takes him out for dinner & drinks, and NEVER takes me out. He did say I could come too, but I don't want to date my husband with his son present - I believe he should take me out more than his son.
I agree that you have been through alot and I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby.

Try to focus more on yourself and your son.

Also, your husband's son is your step-son, and you should try to be inviting of him into your home, and going to those family dinners and drinks. Get to know him better. Allow him to get to know his half-brother (your son). Open your heart to these things and they can only get better.
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Old 08-29-2012, 11:21 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to make a marriage work, after so much hurt?

Thanks Southernwife.

My own son is an adult too, and my husband is very unwelcoming to him, which upsets me.

I do feel a bit of resentment to my stepson, but I've been very careful to not let it show - in fact I'm more tolerant of certain behaviours than my husband. I do like my stepson, honestly.

I've not actually been invited on the dinners (they're not family dinners, just him & his son), and it was the last time that I asked if I could go too. My husband had to ask his son first, then I felt a bit iffy with it all.

I cook for his son, and try to be welcoming, it just gets too much when DH wants me to go to bed at 8pm, so that he & his son can watch TV together.

The stepson also pushes buttons, when we watching TV & he says "ooh you really fancy her don't you dad?" or "I can see how much she is arousing you", and I feel really invisible, and not good enough.

I would love my husband to take me out for dinner, not just go out for dinner when his son is here, like I'm a second thought, and it's his son he wants to date. He never wants to take me anywhere, only if he's going with someone else... <sigh>

I'm under no illusion that it's all my doing, my own low-esteem, but then he hasn't helped, by having 20 odd photos of his genitals on the camera, holidaying alone, but then having two cups in the photo.

Thanks anyway
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Old 08-29-2012, 11:23 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to make a marriage work, after so much hurt?

I forgot - our first child is also a girl, and she I do allow her to know her brother, in fact I encourage it. It's really hard to explain this, and I'm not articulating it well... I guess it's not my stepson I have a problem with, he & I are both quite shy & similar, it's just I want my husband to notice me, and want to spend time with me, have fun with me etc, and I get envious when he does this with others.
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Old 08-29-2012, 03:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to make a marriage work, after so much hurt?

sunshine

I have been thinking about your position and wish I had more to offer. I think what southern wife says is very sensible. Time may help. Keep talking to your husband, lovingly let him know when you are finding life hard. It may or may not get through to him but at least you will have tried.

I have been married for 35 years now so tend to think of a few years as a very short time.

Perseverence and love can achieve much in time.
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to make a marriage work, after so much hurt?

Thanks for your kind words, I really do appreciate them, but I don't think this advice is going to work

Today I asked him to print an order form for me - I need it to prove that I'd paid online for something. He got a bit angry that I needed this, but agreed to do it.

I also said I needed to talk to him about something else, but would wait until the little one was in bed (nothing horrible at all). Again, he agreed.

My (adult) son is having some problems, and he keeps phoning me, late at night, and tonight managed to wake DD1, and she is a bad sleeper, so I was really stressed.

H came in, watched TV (telling me to be quiet if I tried to talk), then went outside on his laptop. On top of this I had a drunk son threatening to hurt himself, and a screaming toddler to settle. When he came in he went to bed. I tried to talk to him, but it came out wrong. I admit I saw red, I was upset that he hadn't talked to me, when he knew I wanted to - instead the TV, then his laptop taking priority. Then I was upset that he hadn't printed the form for me.

I tried to talk to him (calmly) but he put his hands in front of his face. I really did try to get him to listen... I know, I know - when a woman goes into temper mode the man shuts down. I get that, so I did try to approach it calmly. But he just shuts me out, unless I STFU.

I feel like he doesn't have any care for my feelings. I feel invisible. I'll have to apologise to him tomorrow, yet he will never change.

I have begged, and begged him to spend time with me - talking. Not watching TV, not with him on his laptop, but together, talking, laughing etc.

I'm now downstairs crying, he knows this but doesn't care.

When our second daughter died, I used to sleep on the sofa every night, every night - crying myself to sleep. I used to beg him to comfort me, yet he didn't want to. He used to say I was a 'turn-off'. I just wanted to be held, for him to hear me crying, realise my distress & be the protector, the comforter, that he promised in our wedding vows. Yet he just left me. He never once hugged me after our daughter died - never tried to hold me, or wipe my tears.

I don't know what I'm after really. I just hate the way I'm feeling, and I feel so angry when this happens, when I need him, yet come after everything else. I feel incapable of looking after a child, having an alcoholic son, and struggling with grief... to then have the man I marry only talk to me in bed - and not turn the stupid TV off to talk, is just getting me down.

I guess I am a needy, immature person. I love my husband though, and it hurts like hell that he's only nice to me, if I never have any emotional needs.
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