General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I first posted here back in March, but can't sort out my login information, you can find my old posts under PNGirl for background. I'll give the short version here.
Last Sept my DH sent inappropriate messages to an old high school GF via FB and I saw them. We had a big fight over it, he dismissed it, but I told him that such interactions are inappropriate for a married man.
Later (Nov/Dec), I saw messages to a femail co-worker that were inappropriate again. Again, we fought about it. He dismissed it, but handed over all his login's and passwords.
In March, again he had inappropriate communications with the co-worker via FB. I came here and everyone responded that it was probably an EA that could leave to a PA - that it sounded like he was putting out feelers. I confronted him. He has not been communicating in this way with her since.
Now, I have come to find that he has a Twitter account under some other persona and is communicating with a stripper. He has mentioned sex in a general way. He has now mentioned inviting her to a sporting event.
Additionally, he has become more and more childish and selfish.
I love him, but I am angry and I am done with this nonsense. I want to confront him. I don't want to snoop and check up on him anymore (although I tried to the other day after discovering the Twitter thing and he's changed his passwords). I want to throw the print out of his public twitter messages at him and ask him if he's lost his f*ing mind. I want to delete all the porn from his computer. I want to tell him that he needs to decide if he wants to be married or not. If he wants to be married, he needs to make our marriage and family a priority. He needs to be transparent. I will not be having this conversation with him again. I don't want a divorce, but I will not stand for this again.
So, I need your advice on how to start this conversation. I am really angry and hurt and I just want to scream and shout. I need your advice on how to do this, how to make him understand and not come across like a raving lunatic by letting my anger take over.
I want to confront him. I don't want to snoop and check up on him anymore (although I tried to the other day after discovering the Twitter thing and he's changed his passwords). I want to throw the print out of his public twitter messages at him and ask him if he's lost his f*ing mind. I want to delete all the porn from his computer. I want to tell him that he needs to decide if he wants to be married or not. If he wants to be married, he needs to make our marriage and family a priority. He needs to be transparent. I will not be having this conversation with him again. I don't want a divorce, but I will not stand for this again.
Then do all of those things but make it known, if this continues there will be a divorce.
I agree that there has to be consequences for his actions. Simply telling him "no" and then nothing until he does it again hasn't been enough.
Pack his bag and tell him he needs to stay with a friend or parent for the next 2 days (this weekend) and think if he still wants to be married. Tell him you expect to be able to verify where he is and if you can't, you already have your answer
Thank you for your responses. I am done with this bs, I am not going to have this conversation ever again. He either walks the line now and forever or we are done. I am not running to get a lawyer today, but I will if I need to. This is the last and final chance for him.
My question is, is it OK to show him the fullness of my anger and emotion, or do I need to remain calm and cool? I have read some of the 180, and I don't know if that is best after the confrontation. I kind of want to unleash, but I also want him to understand how serious I am and my conviction in this. Maybe 180 after?
It depends on what you want to achieve from this. Personally, I would keep it short and sweet. He knows what he is doing wrong. I would sit him down and say listen, "X, Y, and Z things need to change or this relationship is over." Don't justify yourself and don't defend, but give him any explanations he needs. Just tell him either these things happen, or a divorce will. If he tries to justify/defend himself, listen to him with an open mind.
If you can show him the fullness of your anger while still having a productive conversation, then do so. But if doing so means that the conversation will turn into a screaming match, and nothing will be accomplished, then stay cool.
I think you will show him how serious you are and your conviction by keeping it short and sweet, however. There is nothing to discuss. Either these things stop, or you're gone, end of story.
Something tells me this man doesn't care much about emotional displays. If he was worried about hurting you and seeing the effects of that, he wouldn't be acting out.
He doesnt care. He wont stop and really, why should he? You always let him get away with it. Am i right?
For fear of losing him? Am i right? Nut think about it. What exactly are you losing? Nothing but your dignity, yourself respect and a little piece of your soul each time.
If i am wrong about this i apologize. I could be projecting.
Re: Done with the nonsense and need advice
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Thank you for your responses. I am done with this bs, I am not going to have this conversation ever again. He either walks the line now and forever or we are done. I am not running to get a lawyer today, but I will if I need to. This is the last and final chance for him.
My question is, is it OK to show him the fullness of my anger and emotion, or do I need to remain calm and cool? I have read some of the 180, and I don't know if that is best after the confrontation. I kind of want to unleash, but I also want him to understand how serious I am and my conviction in this. Maybe 180 after?
If it will make you feel better then show him the fullness of your anger. Just do not say anything that is out of line.
Another way that you can show him how serious you are is to tell him that if he does not stop his ego building selfishness that you may try some of his tactics and look up some old school friends that are all males.
Tell him that you wanted him to be your faithful trustful husband for life but if he insists then you are quit capable of getting another man. Ask your husband if it would be alright with him if you contacted some men that you were with in school and talked about flirtatious topics.
Tell him that you would never have thought of doing such a thing but if he insists then you are up for the task
He's not going to stop and will see your confrontation as just an emotional show because there have been no consequences in the past. Pack him a bag and change the locks. Leave proof of his philandering right on top and a note telling him that if he's cheating, you're going to file for divorce. Either he will change his tune, man up and fix things, or you'll see that he's never going to change. If to cant tolerate this and he won't be remorseful and change, your only option is divorce. You can't convince him to be invested in the marriage if he doesn't want to be, but you can show him what his life will be like without it and maybe he will want it enough to get his act together. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know it hurts, but taking the hard line is the only way you're going to see any possibility of change at all and continuing to put up with his behavior will simply wear you down more and more....be strong.
Take the advice above...start plannig your exit; he doesn't need to know that you don't want to divorce. Either it will shake him down enough to change, or it won't. Then you will have to decide whether or not to stay with him.
FWIW, at the height of his bullscrap, I put my husband out of the house for a few days, and it seemed to do the trick; he now knows that I'm not afraid to follow through. Empty threats are just that...
Done with the nonsense and need advice 
