General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
my wife wants me to go back to the person she married, she says i was the perfect gent when we were engaged and that when we became man and wife i changed. i cant see it myself but it must be true as she is so unhappy that she has given me six months to get back to the old me or she wants to leave. does anyone know a good stress reliever without speaking to someone ? i can see what she means sort of as she says i used to be so laid back that i wouldnt bat an eye lid if a car cut me up but now i get angry or if someone looks at me the wrong way i get like wtf is your problem. help me please ......
Your wife needs to help you with this. Ask her to sit down with you sometime when you both are calm, well-rested, not in a hurry for anything, and in a decent mood. Then have a non-judgmental conversation with her about exactly what changes she wants to see. It may be difficult for her to articulate everything, but she needs to give you some definitive traits and behaviours that she wants to change. Make a list together, with the most important things at the top.
Second, talk with her about what changes you guys can make in your lives to help achieve these changes. If stress is the problem, look at what is causing the stress. Is it kids? Make a commitment to hire a babysitter once a week for a date night, just you two. Is it money? Sit down and run through the finances together and see if there is any way you two can make adjustments.
If you're not having any luck making changes on your own, a visit or two to a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist can help. Go once with your wife, to help you both understand what needs to change, and then go once alone to get tips and strategies on concrete changes you can make to your daily life to help achieve them.
maybe start an exercise program of some type try to get a minimum of 30 minutes per day of aerboic activity riding a bike, jogging, walking etc helps alot with stress
hi guys firstly thanks for responding, definitly going to sit down and chat tonight when she gets home , she is up for it . i cant say why iam stressed realy as i love my job i work for my dad and yes its stressful when he is on my back but all in all its not that bad. i cycle to the baths every other day and do 10 lengths an ride home so yes i do get some exercise, we dont have kids but we have 3 dogs that we adore and treat them like children realy, may have kids one day but want to sort this out first , i cant put my finger on it realy , but i hate working with my sister as she always tries to outdo me and she is like 20 years older than me, we have different mums and she doesnt like my mum who dad is married to they get on but only for his sake.
hi guys firstly thanks for responding, definitly going to sit down and chat tonight when she gets home , she is up for it . i cant say why iam stressed realy as i love my job i work for my dad and yes its stressful when he is on my back but all in all its not that bad. i cycle to the baths every other day and do 10 lengths an ride home so yes i do get some exercise, we dont have kids but we have 3 dogs that we adore and treat them like children realy, may have kids one day but want to sort this out first , i cant put my finger on it realy , but i hate working with my sister as she always tries to outdo me and she is like 20 years older than me, we have different mums and she doesnt like my mum who dad is married to they get on but only for his sake.
Not much to go on there, good job and plenty of exercise. Just your sister, for a bit of stress. Do you see it coming from the marriage? Can it be better?
Have the chat, maybe she is missing the man that wooed her. Do you remember him? Do you spend at least 15 hours a week together, without distractions?
Definitely sit down with her and ask her for specific examples and specific behaviours she wants changed. If she can't give you ANY specifics (again, like I said before, some times can be hard to articular but she must be able to give you something) other than "you're different", consider that it might be HER that's different.
Would she be open to that if you suggested it? If you said, "Well, hon, I don't see how I have changed and you can't tell me. Is it possible that this is something you're struggling with, not me?"
Also, how long have you been married? That makes a big difference too.
hi, we have been together 10 years married for 4 years, yes she is happy to sit down tonight and yes iam going to sugest maybe she has changed too but i do see some changes i have made but dont see them as a problem. oh wel wish me luck i will post later when we have chatted
I can offer my personal experience. I was always the "Calm, patient, laid back person" in my wife and my relationship. Over the last year, I became less and less patient. It turns out I had grown resentful towards a way my wife reacted towards me. We figured it out through counseling and I'm back to my old self and she's a lot happier as well.
I'm not saying this is the case, but (assuming a good marriage) it's unusual for one to drastically change without some influence from the other. I'd definitely recommend counseling so you're both heard and the full problem is addressed.
thankyou, i will mention it to her later and see how she takes it, iam so glad this site is here as i feel that iam not alone and just give up on my marridge thanks
^^ Great point. Sometimes being the calm one, the responsible one, the "whatever" one can really wear on that person. I think it's a very subconscious thing, though.
There's the calm one - and over time in a relationship the other partner get used to being the one who freaks out or melts down or whatever. So then a pattern develops, where the calm one HAS to be the calm one all the time. Eventually resentment can develop because now both people have been shoehorned into roles, and usually one person ends up bearing more of the burden than the other (the one who has to stay calm in a crisis, for example, or the one who has to always be responsible). That person starts to resist the role, because it's not fair and it's very difficult, and because this has all happened gradually and somewhat subconsciously, the other person suddenly is expected to play a role they've never had to play before.
This is not a relationship killer as long as there's a lot of communication, but if it doesn't get figured out, there can be a lot of resentment on both sides. One person resents always having to be the responsible (or calm or whatever) one, and the other person resents that they can no longer count on their spouse for something they've grown used to.
in addition to whatever you decide to do in getting back to who you "were", i sincerely hope you give her a list of demands in return.
if my wife asked me to change a few things because she was growing unhappy, i would oblige the best i could. (i would welcome that level of communication)
if she demanded i changed or she'd leave, she'd get a two word answer that sounds nothing like yes ma'am
i hear you stritle, i have been thinking about things i want her to change and the only thing i can think of is for her to stop shouting and start talking . thanks for your input mate
hi guys , spoke last night , went well i think, she doesnt want to split but doesnt want to carry on if iam stressed all the time so she is going to write it all down and so i have a visual thing to look at rather than tell me and i forget. thank you all for your help and support iam going to keep all updated on this thread. thanks
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how do i change???? 
i will post later when we have chatted
