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Are you really married or....just roomates?

12K views 78 replies 38 participants last post by  ladybird  
#1 ·
So I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who's marriage has become or feels like a roomate arrangement more than it does a loving relationship, and for me that's about where I am at now in my married life. :(
 
#3 ·
For us we will either have to get some serious counseling to try and get back to square one, or the next step is the moving out and seperating process unfortuneatly.
 
#4 ·
i get this feeling every now and then. It usually happens if theres a week or so of no sex. Once this feeling inches too close i freak out. I start fights or stay somewhere else until there's that loving feeling again. I refuse to live like that. Life is too short and frankly I'd rather be alone.
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#13 ·
If he won't go to counseling then you may have hit a dead end. Hopefully you two can talk about it and reconnect.

For myself, my stbxh and I became roomates after five years. I asked him a couple of times to go to counseling and he refused. As a result, we are in the process of divorce. We have not lived together for a few years (tried R but it didn't work) and before that had not had sex in three years. No, I'm not kidding.

I know that I am a much happier and fulfilled person now. I hope that same feeling comes to him someday.

good luck to you though! Keep working on it and keep pushing him for either counseling or good communication. Please don't let it get to where my relationship went.
 
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#9 ·
I had the same thing in my relationship with my my wife. It caused me to make some serious mistakes that I still feel deeply guilty about. Our relationship has not been the same since and I am afraid that we may have hit the end. I wish you the best of luck working it out. I sometimes wonder if it is better to be alone than live under the roof of someone who really has no interest in you?
 
#12 ·
I suspect the every marridge goes through this feeling many times in a relationship. Its recognising it and then making adjustments to make that feeling change. Time together in a different atmosphere, some good old romantic talk, being tactile and locking out those kids and friends may help open the communication.
 
#16 ·
Well we haven't had sex for about one week, lots of work,pressing deadlines and we are both too tired.

We just came back from a walk in the park and it was really nice. We talked about plans for next year and laughed at each other's silly jokes.
I don't know if we will have sex later tonight, but what I DO know is that whether or not we have sex,she will fall asleep in my arms, and her head on my chest,
As she does every night.

Yes,we're really married.
 
#17 ·
We are now entering our 7th month of not having sex and we constantly argue to boot, so I am still willing to go to counseling to see if that works and if it will change anything.
 
#18 ·
Definitely married. While we both have our own interests (or lack thereof) we still sleep together, we still cuddle, we still make time for just the two of us. For a couple years, it DID feel like just a roommate situation, but we have started back on the right path.
 
#19 ·
That's one of the comments that I got along with the "I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you..." speech..."it feels like we are just room mates that have children together..." "I don't know if you are THE ONE any more"

And it comes down to communication...I just read the book "The 5 Love Languages", awesome book...you need to figure out what your SO would like in their perfect mate...try asking...you may think you are communicating love to them, and they may be hearing something totally different and unintended. You also need to be clear on how you would like to be loved, they may think they are putting all the effort in but are going about it in the wrong way...

I'm not saying what I have is perfect, but it is getting better...or she is a very good actress...

Later.
 
#22 ·
She still gets nervous when I look her straight in the eye, and giggles like a school girl. Truth be told, sometimes I do too (minus the giggling school girl part :) ).

Sometimes when we make love it's like the first time all over again.

We manage to be comfortable with one another, but still maintain a certain touch of mystery.

She will pull away from a sweet, connected kiss, and ask for a brief moment to catch her breath.

I am in love with her more now than ever before, which is amazing to me because I once thought "I can't love this woman more".

Highs, lows, and everything in between, we stay in love.

She is the one that I want, the one that I have, and the one that I never want to lose.

We're married. I don't believe in wedded roommates.
 
#25 ·
In response to the subject of the thread, that is what my marriage dissolved into two years before action was taken to end it. I am not sure of your circumstances but my XW decided that she didn't want to be married any more, started an affair that she refused to end, made it very obvious that she thought of us as roommates (with a lopsided agreement that favored me but that I still wasn't holding up my side of) even going so far as to consciously walk through the living room naked like she was reenacting a scene from The Break-up. She blamed me for the affair and her not being happy, and after we divorced when I sent her a letter telling her that I didn't send emails between her and the OM to the OM's wife when we were married because I knew it would end two marriages immediately and I didn't have time (I was trying to finish graduate school) to come up with a plan B as far as living arrangements etc. she accused me of using her for the last year of our "marriage".

I know its not advice but you are not alone in the "marriage turned into a roommate agreement" category. Perhaps you can find out why that feeling is there and if there is anyway to come back from it. If it is one sided then that person will have to commit to changing it. It can be frustrating if it is not you who has the problem.
 
#26 ·
Mine is turning into the same thing. Evidently it always was on her part. A "friend with benefits". Sex has always been good, at least she said on her part. She benefits the most from it (I'm kind of a pleasing freak). She was always upset that she rarely was able to "please" me, though I have constantly told her that I enjoy the foreplay and lovemaking more than the end result. However, sex has been either once a month, or once every 2-3 over the past 12 years. She recently revealed to me that she never felt the "magical" connection.
I feel that people make our own magic, but feel bad that she hasn't felt that crazy flame since we were young. I'm madly in love with her, but she isn't with me. She had an emotional affair with a coworker, so of course she isn't feeling the magic with me, her emotions are tied up with someone else getting that instant spark. I fear she'll have to go through a lot of those before she figures it out.
Meanwhile, she wants to cohabitate, sleep in the same bed, snuggle, but not be intimate. (Though twice in the past 3 weeks she's enjoyed a one-way good time from me. I just love pleasing her, it makes me happy). She doesn't want the kids to know anything, which is hard when you have a genius 10 year old, and I'm not just being a proud parent here, that kid sees everything. I can't live as a roommate with my wife and lover, though she seems to think she can. I know it will affect me down the road, though for now, I'm doing everything in my power just to show her love, and let her be her own person as much as I can.
It sucks, but love is worth giving, even if you don't take. Love should be a gift, not an exchange. If both parties do this, it will work out very well, because an exchange takes place without expectations. If not, it can cause resentment long-term.
 
#27 ·
What do you have to gain by staying with a woman who flat up says she never felt any "magic" with you, has had an affair, and is interested in turning you into a psychologically castrated roommate who she can turn to for cuddles, cash, and the occasional one-way lickfest?

There is nothing noble about loving a blackhole.
 
#28 ·
I am in the Same Boat. My wife and I have started planning a Seperation. She tells me that "she loves me like a Best Friend... not like a Wife should towads her Husband". We have 3 kids and I have asked her about counceling, but she is not willing. We have been married 6.5 years and she has not worked or helped out financially for the past 5.5 years. I feel like i have bent over backwards trying to make her Happy... and she feels like she is Trapped at home with the kids.

Recently she started a low-paying job jsut to get out of the house. Just enough to cover daycare expense for our 2 y/o. Now she wants to leave.

I know that she will not be able to make it on her own and her lifestyle will be significantly less than what she has now. and she will have to Bust her tail to make ends meet.

She does not blame me, she blames herself and has much guilt because she is hurting me and our family.

Not sure that i am actually asking anything here, just feels goot to get it off my chest. Any suggestions are welcome.
 
#29 ·
Not sure that i am actually asking anything here, just feels goot to get it off my chest. Any suggestions are welcome.
I posted a rather "lengthy" post the other day about the situation with my wife. While I was happy to get feedback on it, I am pretty much in the same boat as you in that I posted it mainly to get a bunch of stuff of my chest, and boy did that help!

Wish I could help you more with your problem but I don't have an children and our situations are actually quite different. However, there seem to be a lot of knowledgeable and helpful people on these boards. The only thing I would suggest is that you post in your own thread.
 
#31 ·
Are you really married or....just room mates?

Yep, been there done that. A few years of little sex, no attention, ignored, not happy. Got the we're just room mates and I might as well move out speech. It wasn't fun listening to that. Read a lot of books, listen to a posters here, did a lot if work. Really married again, things better than ever. Whew, thank God that worked! Don't know how far along you are, but have hope that it can be done.
 
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#35 ·
A good book to start with is Divorce Busting, by Michelle Weiner Davis. You can read it, and start to apply the ideas in it by yourself. Once you start to act differently, your spouse will probably act differently too, but one of you needs to take the bull by the horns, and start! Other books that I've found useful are the 7 principles for making marriage work, John Gottman. Stop calling him honey and start having sex, Maggie Arana and Juliwnne Davis. Fight less, Love more, Laurie Puhn.

Once your partner is interested in sex again, you can make it better with Slow sex, Nicole Daedone, and some titles from the Cleis Press line up!
 
#36 ·
I start feeling like that when we haven't had sex for a while. Also, it has helped me when I "show that I care" by doing small things and give her compliments. Living together without showing affection really isn't all that different from just being roommates.
 
#38 ·
So far she has not been open to counseling unless I go first - alone; but she has opened up and said that sooooo many hurtful and insulting things have been said by me that no apology is going to help, and that she just can't get past a lot of it and look at me the same way anymore.
 
#39 ·
It is important that you realize that you are the only person you can control or change. If you have a problem in the marriage, you need to change yourself. Maybe you need to exit the marriage ultimately, it depends, but you can't just sit there hoping or demanding that the other person changes. That is guaranteed to fail.
 
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