People Can Change - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-10-2009, 07:15 PM Thread Starter
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People Can Change

Im not going to say to you all now that I was a perfect husband. If I was I wouldnít be here asking for advice. For the 13 years I have been married to my wife we have had our problems. And I will be honest and say that I was the cause of all the problems. We donít have massive arguments where we yell at one another. Weíd have disagreements and weíd be quiet with one another for a day but that was it. My wife and I have been together 22 years. We both meet as young teenagers. Together we have build family homes and bought 3 beautiful children into this world.

In the last few years things have gone really bad for us both in regards to our marriage. For the last 5 months I have been separated from my family due to my stupid behaviour. In recent years I have given my wife reason to feel insecure about our relationship and towards me. A few years ago I had an emotional affair with a lady from work. It wasnít sexual but as I learnt it didnít matter. It was the lies and the deception that I caused that made the whole thing wrong. When my wife found out about this I moved away from my family and thankfully my wife and I worked through it together. As a condition of us reconciling I had to leave my work place. This didnít happen as the 3rd person assured me she was leaving and moving away. Admittedly it took 10mths for her to leave and while we were still working in the same company things were hard for me at home. Which I fully understand. I did try hard to wear all the pain I was putting my wife through. The day she left a massive weight had been lifted off our shoulders and things seemed positive at home.

The cause of my recent separation with my wife is I went out with mates and I was seen acting inappropriately with a lady in a bar. I didnít know this lady before hand. She was in the same party of people I was with. Im not going to deny any of this however I canít really remember the details of the night. I am 36 years old and the way I acted, drank and behaved you think I was 18 again. But at the same time 18 years olds possibly behave better. My wife has bent over backwards for our relationship. For the last 5 years things have been so hard for her and for her to find out I was not behaving as a married man was enough for her to say no more. I donít blame her. For a long time Iíve treated her with contempt and for me to do so was wrong. At times Iíve lied to her. Iíd only do so because I for one thought I was protecting her. Or I thought sheíd not understand and weíd argue about it. So by lying id save arguments. Totally wrong I understand.
For the past 5 months I have tried to give my wife space and time. I learnt and understand about healing and dealing with problems. I purchased 3 books. Surviving An Affair, 5 Steps To Romantic Love & His Needs Her Needs. Personally these books have helped me understand my behavior and I have learnt about Love Banks. I have spent 3 months with a psychologist talking about problems that affected me and why I sought attention from females. Im currently not seeing the psychologist as I really believe I have the answers now and Iím ready to be a husband again. Im not perfect and to my wifeís credit she never asked me to be. As a husband I am ready to make sacrifices for my family. Im willing to do whatever it takes to show my wife I love her. I have stopped anything that might give her reason to be concerned. Im looking for new employment and have emailed my CV to a host of potential employers. I have worked in my current employment for 16 years and Iím a manager here. But recently the lady with whom I had worked with and had problems with returned. So without a hesitation Iím moving on and Iím more than happy too. I know it looks as though Iím selfish and I donít deserve my wife at all. But I really do believe that I have changed as a man and I miss and love my wife very much. Id give anything for her to see Im a different man today and that I believe I have all the ingredients now to continue our marriage and to never ever cause her grief again.

As a parent I had to learn and I believe I learnt to become an excellent dad. As a husband Iíve had to learn again what it takes to make a wonderful partnership. I always believed id be with my wife for the rest of my life. And I still do. Today I understand the words devotion and I can appreciate what commitment means. Yes I was very foolish and extremely selfish. And yes I except that my marriage may be finished because of it. But I also believe I have learnt and my time away has reassured me that I want to fight for my wifeís love. I want to make this up to my family and I want to show my wife I love her and I'm sorry. I wonít give up trying to learn, and I wonít give up on us.

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-10-2009, 07:50 PM
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Re: People Can Change

Nice to hear that, good reminder for myself.

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naÔve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget." -Thomas Szasz
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-11-2009, 01:03 PM
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Re: People Can Change

Yep, people can change ... but they seldom do.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-11-2009, 01:15 PM
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Re: People Can Change

You may be ready to change, but she may be done. You don't control that. You will have to live with her decisions and you do not have a right to question them. Each of us must decide for ourselves what we can take/do, and presumably you trust your wife to decide what is best for her.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-11-2009, 02:23 PM
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Re: People Can Change

I believe people can change but it doesn't happen overnight...
most profound change is a result of some major crisis..

When I was a teenager I had a very bad home life. I got into all kinds of things I should not have been doing. BY late teenage years I stopped and got on the straight and narrow but only because my choices were causing complete and utter devistation to my life.
Since then,
I have met some of the people from my teenage years and they comment how much I have changed. Yes.. I have... as I tell them, I couldnt do much about anything when I was a kid, but as I got older I could, and did.
I can't even relate to many people I knew during my teen years...
I am a very different person than I was but it did not happen overnight and was a very deperate situation, where if I didn't get it together, I would have died.
People can change but often times it is not permanent or for the right reasons ( to please someone else is not a good reason)..
but yes
people can change.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-11-2009, 04:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: People Can Change

I do believe that if we want something bad enough or we believe in what we want we can change. If drinking was a problem then I could stop drinking. If I believe this is a wake up call then I have taken that call and Im willing to do what is needed to keep my family together. I love my wife and I'll do what ever it takes for her. I have been seperated 5 months now and I have done nothing but learn from my mistake. I'd love to show my wife.
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