Let me just start off by saying I LOVE my husband. REALLY LOVE HIM. I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want a separation. I want to stay with him and be happy together forever. The problem is, in some ways, I’m just not happy. But really, I'm not unhappy either. I'm just tired. Physically exhausted, emotionally drained, frustrated by the man I love....
We have been married for 13 years now- but we've known each other over 20. I've always felt that we were meant to be together- even now. We have 3 kids (10, 8, 5) - the youngest with special needs. We own a great house in a great neighborhood. My husband has a steady job and earns enough that I can stay home with the kids most of the time (I do work 4 hours per week). By all accounts, I am a lucky lucky woman. I know this but I don't feel very lucky these days.
My husband is a GREAT DAD. My Dad abandoned us when I was a toddler so I am especially sensitive about this issue- and I can honestly say my husband is ALWAYS there for his kids. He coaches their sports teams, volunteers in the schools, plans amazing family vacations, & spends tons of time with them.
That leaves pretty much NO time for anything else.
The chores, the laundry, cooking, and the cleaning are 100% my responsibility. The yard work, home repairs, maintenance, car repairs, etc.- my responsibility. I do the gardening, the plumbing, the carpentry, etc. My husband will complain for a year about the broken garage door but will not help me clean the garage or call about estimates for the repair.
Keeping up with all the medical bills, insurance, and doctors for everyone in the family- also my responsibility. And with a special needs child, that is no small task. I may only work outside the home for a few hours per week but I spend a TON of time taking my little one to doctors appointments, physical therapy, speech therapy, etc. PLUS all the time I put in at home to work with him and reinforce the things he is supposed to be working on.
My husband goes to work pretty early so he can be home for the kids activities in the late afternoon/evening. When he gets home, he expects food ready, the house clean, all the homework done, everybody's sports or scouts uniforms laid out and ready to go, snacks packed, sports bags ready, etc. I understand this expectation since I am the one that is home more on weekdays.
But in real life, things happen. People get sick, emergencies come up, time gets away from you, kids don't cooperate, etc. Yet anytime everything isn't totally ready when he gets some, he is very critical, very patronizing, and very angry. It never ever occurs to him that I am doing the best I can and maybe he should actually HELP me a little. He will get all upset with me if he has no sports socks in the drawer- even when I tell him there is a basket of clean socks waiting to fold. Is it really SO horrible that he has to find his own pair of socks sometimes???
Then on weekends, my husband feels that all his hard work has "earned" him the right to do NOTHING to help me or help around the house. AT ALL. He will sleep until 10 or 11am, while I wake up at 6 or 7 with the kids, give them breakfast, do house work, school projects, home repairs, etc. When he does get up, he watches TV with the kids while I prepare and serve everybody's lunch. Then he is back to the TV or on the computer while I clean up lunch, continue with housework...
Inevitably, at some point over the weekend he will criticize me for all the things I am not doing or doing "wrong" in his opinion. It's true- we have a HUGE pile of clean laundry that is not folded or put away. It's really really frustrating for ALL of us when we need to go searching in the pile for a specific item of clothing! It's true that the dinner dishes usually sit on the counter at least until the next morning because I am busy bathing and putting all 3 kids to bed every night.
I have tried SO MANY times to tell him that I just can't do it all. He says if I were more organized, prioritized better, worked faster, tried harder, and did things HIS way, I would get it all done. And according to him, it is ALL my job because he has a job already. I suggested marriage counseling and he refuses because he says I am the one with all the problems. If I could get my act together, I could get everything done.
At this point, I am just all kids of tired. Physically tired, emotionally drained, and feeling used. Even when I am REALLY sick, he never pitches in. He just gets takeout food and the dishes/laundry/paperwork piles up until I get better!
I never have time to spend any quality time with my kids. Never get a chance to just play with them or really talk to them. I rarely get the chance to just relax or unwind- and when I do, it's because my husband is not home to criticize me. I rarely have any sex drive even though I am honestly still very attracted to my husband- I'm just too tired and getting more and more resentful of him by the day.
Despite all this, I LOVE my husband. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, and I don't know what to do about it.
We have been married for 13 years now- but we've known each other over 20. I've always felt that we were meant to be together- even now. We have 3 kids (10, 8, 5) - the youngest with special needs. We own a great house in a great neighborhood. My husband has a steady job and earns enough that I can stay home with the kids most of the time (I do work 4 hours per week). By all accounts, I am a lucky lucky woman. I know this but I don't feel very lucky these days.
My husband is a GREAT DAD. My Dad abandoned us when I was a toddler so I am especially sensitive about this issue- and I can honestly say my husband is ALWAYS there for his kids. He coaches their sports teams, volunteers in the schools, plans amazing family vacations, & spends tons of time with them.
That leaves pretty much NO time for anything else.
The chores, the laundry, cooking, and the cleaning are 100% my responsibility. The yard work, home repairs, maintenance, car repairs, etc.- my responsibility. I do the gardening, the plumbing, the carpentry, etc. My husband will complain for a year about the broken garage door but will not help me clean the garage or call about estimates for the repair.
Keeping up with all the medical bills, insurance, and doctors for everyone in the family- also my responsibility. And with a special needs child, that is no small task. I may only work outside the home for a few hours per week but I spend a TON of time taking my little one to doctors appointments, physical therapy, speech therapy, etc. PLUS all the time I put in at home to work with him and reinforce the things he is supposed to be working on.
My husband goes to work pretty early so he can be home for the kids activities in the late afternoon/evening. When he gets home, he expects food ready, the house clean, all the homework done, everybody's sports or scouts uniforms laid out and ready to go, snacks packed, sports bags ready, etc. I understand this expectation since I am the one that is home more on weekdays.
But in real life, things happen. People get sick, emergencies come up, time gets away from you, kids don't cooperate, etc. Yet anytime everything isn't totally ready when he gets some, he is very critical, very patronizing, and very angry. It never ever occurs to him that I am doing the best I can and maybe he should actually HELP me a little. He will get all upset with me if he has no sports socks in the drawer- even when I tell him there is a basket of clean socks waiting to fold. Is it really SO horrible that he has to find his own pair of socks sometimes???
Then on weekends, my husband feels that all his hard work has "earned" him the right to do NOTHING to help me or help around the house. AT ALL. He will sleep until 10 or 11am, while I wake up at 6 or 7 with the kids, give them breakfast, do house work, school projects, home repairs, etc. When he does get up, he watches TV with the kids while I prepare and serve everybody's lunch. Then he is back to the TV or on the computer while I clean up lunch, continue with housework...
Inevitably, at some point over the weekend he will criticize me for all the things I am not doing or doing "wrong" in his opinion. It's true- we have a HUGE pile of clean laundry that is not folded or put away. It's really really frustrating for ALL of us when we need to go searching in the pile for a specific item of clothing! It's true that the dinner dishes usually sit on the counter at least until the next morning because I am busy bathing and putting all 3 kids to bed every night.
I have tried SO MANY times to tell him that I just can't do it all. He says if I were more organized, prioritized better, worked faster, tried harder, and did things HIS way, I would get it all done. And according to him, it is ALL my job because he has a job already. I suggested marriage counseling and he refuses because he says I am the one with all the problems. If I could get my act together, I could get everything done.
At this point, I am just all kids of tired. Physically tired, emotionally drained, and feeling used. Even when I am REALLY sick, he never pitches in. He just gets takeout food and the dishes/laundry/paperwork piles up until I get better!
I never have time to spend any quality time with my kids. Never get a chance to just play with them or really talk to them. I rarely get the chance to just relax or unwind- and when I do, it's because my husband is not home to criticize me. I rarely have any sex drive even though I am honestly still very attracted to my husband- I'm just too tired and getting more and more resentful of him by the day.
Despite all this, I LOVE my husband. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, and I don't know what to do about it.