First off all, thanks to ALL of you for the quick responses. It's really good to know that there is somebody- even a stranger- out there to listen when things get tough!
As for your questions:
Are there any chores in the house that can be his chores? I honestly don't know any husbands within my circle of friends and family that have their wives do yard work, home repairs or car repairs. Not that every family has to be like this, but this workload division work very well in the families I know.
Perhaps these tasks could go to him?
There are plenty of jobs that I would be THRILLED to have him do! I have asked him many times in many different ways. 95% of the time he refuses. Occasionally, I can get him to help in some small way on a one-time-only basis but he never agrees to actually take on a job long term.
Personally, I would dump his clothes on the bed and tell him to do it himself. I would take care of the kids and after 10 hours a day, sit down, watch t.v. and tell him that you put in your 10 hours already. If stuff doesn't get done, then he needs to step up and share in the rest of the duties for it all to get done. As far as doing things "his way" - well, then if his way is so much better, he needs to physically show you. That means that he needs to get up off of his duff and do the work.
Other than that, I would recommend counseling. He is disrespectful to you and needs to back off otherwise I can see the resenment getting to a point that he might have a very bitter wife on his hands.
I have tried putting my foot down. It got to the point where the kids had no clean clothes, the filthy kitchen was fill of ants, and still he didn't step up! Now, if he just spent all his time drinking beer on the couch, I would have been fed up YEARS ago. But really, he spends TONS of his time doing things with/for the kids, going to leader's meetings, parent's meetings, coaches trainings, etc. So he isn't lazy about everything.
I have asked him to go to counseling MANY times. He simply won't go & there is no chance I will ever change his mind.
One thing about Laundry though... do it at the Laundromat. The reason I say that is: Do it all at once, be done in 4 hours, Don't worry about it for a week. 5 people, 7 outfits, at least 4 pieces each IS A LOT OF CLOTHING.
Believe it or not, you are the one that is in control of the flow of money which actually gives you the upper hand. If you can budget house help or hire landscapers, that should help alleviate some stress.
Set rules for the kids on clean up and playtime. If he won't run the house, then you have to take control. The older two are 10 and 8 and can clean up their rooms. If they keep their mess to a minimum, don't leave their plates, cups and toys around, that should help getting house work done. House work should mostly just be major vacuuming and disinfecting, not picking up after others.
Enforce a rule of no dishes in the sink, to everybody. Rinse and put in the dishwasher or Wash and put on the rack. My family has a rule of if you didn't cook, then you clean up. I personally put things away while cooking.
The laundromat is simply not an option for me. I NEVER have a 3-4 hour chunk of kid-less time to do something like that. Plus there are too many things that need to be washed immediately like wet bedsheets, sports uniforms that are needed on back-to-back days, etc.
I am actually NOT in control of the money because he is the primary wage earner and he handles the family budget. I just take care of the medical bills and he does the rest. We have a company that mows the lawn every other week but we can't afford to pay for all the rest of the landscaping, weeding, etc.
Actually- my kids do help lots- but it's hardly enough to make a big dent in my day. They set/clear the table, put away their toys, take out the trash, and most importantly- the older ones keep the little guy occupied/happy so I can get things done! But really- the kids have very busy lives with sports, school, scouts, etc. It's not fair of me to ask them to take on the responsibilities that rightfully should belong to their father.
I think the idea of "rules" about who cooks/cleans or not leaving dirty dishes is a good idea- but not one that would ever work in my house. When dinner is over, the kids bring the dirty dishes to the counter & wipe them clean. They can't put them in the dishwasher because the dishwasher is usually full of clean dishes that haven't been put away yet. Even when it is empty, they load the dishes all wrong and I end up having to fix it or re-wash everything afterwards. Also, we usually eat together as a family- which is very important to us- but then immediately afterwards everyone is out the door going their separate ways to get to meetings or activities. Nobody sticks around long enough to finish the clean up process.