Is my husband bullying me? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-09-2012, 04:40 PM Thread Starter
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Is my husband bullying me?

Hello. Hoping someone can help me. I love my husband. Too much I think. From the beginning I have been uncomfortable with the way he treats me. He is bossy and is "always" right. I have anxiety and when we first got together he told me that I shouldn't be taking my medicine because I didn't need it. Also, I have Hypothyroidism. He didn't think I needed that either, but I know that I do. Ya know, he's not always bossy and mean, and I know he loves me, but his way of showing it definiately makes it hard to always believe that. And...he's never really "mean", but he does things in more of a passive agressive way.

It's hard to explain and remember everything because there has been so much, but right now I work over an hour away, I'm usually pretty tired. I leave the house at 8:20am and get home at 7:15pm. I leave so late because of the time change. When I get home, I either make dinner or we go get something to eat. Right after dinner, we go to the gym. There is no skipping the gym, if there is he ridicules me until I go. The gym is 6 days a week, however, every other day is only 20 minutes. We usually get to the gym around 8:30 and 9:30 depending upon the night. I get home from the gym between 10 and 11pm which is pretty much time for bed or after. So, I really get no relaxation time. It has been really hard on me.

About 3 years ago, I decided I was going to take back my life and found a job 3 hours away. I moved up there so I can have some of my life back. I have since moved back because the job was not what I needed it to be.

My husband doesn't say that I'm fat, the fact that I recent lost 30 lbs has helped. He was saying when I was in the tub or I was naked, "we really need to eat better and try harder at the gym because we're gaining weight." He makes it an us thing.

I try not to use this as an excuse, but I'm an Accountant and my husband is a artist. He brings in some money, but we spend a lot of money traveling around trying to get him exposure for his art. I enjoy doing those things, but the lack of net money coming in from his side makes things hard. I did know he was an artist when we got together, but it was always discussed, by me I guess that if it didn't pan out, he would find something that brings in more income. He is very talented and has a shot at something happening for him, but it has been 7 years now since we've been together, we have no children, but it is clear that he does not intend to do anything additional to help out. He also has tendency to blow opportunities. He's had some work for a Hollywood director and yes, it wasn't much money, but he didn't finish the project because the guy kept asking for numerous changes, I do understand to some extent, but he gets frustrated and doesn't seem to have what it takes to make it happen. Not sure really what that is.

So, the I'm thinking that even if the opportunites do come around, he may blow them. So, not sure what to do there. He has said that he does not intend to do anything else. He does teach private lessons, but the traveling and rent cuts into what he makes.

Probably one of the biggest problems for me is his idea of spending. I don't really spend a lot of money on unnecessary things. He just went to a gaming convention for fun and spent $600 for the weekend. I have vision insurance and got a pair of glasses and paid a little for what my insurance did not cover, but even though he just spent $600 at a convention for fun, because I spent a couple hundred on glasses, he thought he should have a couple hundred for him to spend on whatever he wants. And that's the thing, he is like that about everything. He watches the bank account and if I spend $40 at Goodwill on new clothes, that's $40 that he gets to go spend at the game store. He's like a 2 year old, but that is really how things are.

My situation is somewhat similar to a lady who recently posted on here and said that she lies to her husband because if she tells him, he ridicules her. My situation is the same. I told my husband I needed new tires, multiple times. He said he knew. This was in the Spring. My tires were going bald and I drive 2 hours every day. He said I had about 2,000 more miles to get out of them and that we can look at getting new tires in the fall. Well, I'm sorry, I put almost 3,000 miles on my tires in a month. It wouldn't last till fall. So, after a couple of weeks and mentioning it multiple times, I went and got me new tires.

I have to do that with a lot of things because that is how it is. I just got a new pair of gym shoes because mine were worn out. He took his $100 and made sure to spend it right away. So, yes, I lie to my husband too. I did tell him about the shoes and to go ahead and spend the $100 because I knew he was going to.

I worked 10 hours yesterday and when I told my husband that I was going to be home at 9:15, he let me know that we were still going to the gym.

My computer just got a virus and when I went to my Bank's web page the screen asked for all of my personal information including my social security number and my debit card information. I called my bank and they told me that it was a virus. I ran my virus protection, but my screen on my bank did not go away. The guy at the bank told me that it was something linked to my operating system and that it would have to be removed. A couple days later, I received an e-mail form a company we did business with back in April and was completely paid up. My e-mail must have been hacked because this was a bill from that company that we previously paid and said if the invoice was okay to reply. I contacted the company I received the e-mail from and they did not send it.

My husband wanted to know why I thought I had a virus after explaining the situation to him numerous times. I was nervous so I bought a years worth of LifeLock, that identity theft protection that was just a $100. After all this happened, my husband told me not to get it because it was a waste money. Well, I got it anyway. So, yep, that is my situation.

Any advice and response is appreciated.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-09-2012, 05:56 PM
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Re: Is my husband bullying me?

I'm confused... Bullying because he didn't get your new tires and he got a new pair of shoes too? I want to make sure I'm understanding correctly before I give any advice. The fact that he acts like you have to go to the gym and makes those comments is just kind of rude. However, you should be able to say no if you don't feel like going. What would happen if you say no?
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-09-2012, 06:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is my husband bullying me?

Thank you for your reply! What I was trying to say that he tells me know that I cannot get things that I believe I need even though I bring home 95% of the money! If I do buy something, even if it's something that I need, he has to spend the exact same amount only it's usually on toys and not on things that he needs! I do tell him No that I'm not going to the gym, but he gives me a really hard time about how I'm failing, etc! So, he makes it unbearable to tell him no! So, beyond just being rude!
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-09-2012, 06:20 PM
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Re: Is my husband bullying me?

Could you have separate bank accounts? So you spend your money how you want and he has no choice? You shouldn't have to ask. EVER! It is one thing to consult one another and another if he is telling u how u can spend YOUR money. With the gym, you shouldn't go if you don't want to. He is verbally and emotionally abusing you and controlling. Have you tried counseling? This could lead to worse and you need to get help and make changes asap. He is your husband not supposed to tell you what to do and how to do it. That is not why people get married.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-09-2012, 11:08 PM
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Re: Is my husband bullying me?

Are you willing to face some difficult times, Raine? You'll have to be mentally ready to make the changes that will set things straight in your household.

First, you need to decide what you want to see happen. You have a couple of possible options for making your finances square and not tolerating criticism when you spend what you've earned:

1. Create a system where you contribute a flat amount toward the bills and expenses so does he. Your amounts will be different, of course, and should take earnings into consideration. However, you may want to consider his earnings as what he is capable of earning rather than what he *is* earning. Everything over and above your monthly obligations to your household belongs to the person who earned it. If your bills come to $2,500 a month, and he spends $500 a month on travel for his job, for instance, then you'd pay 95% of that $2,500, and let him pay 5% of it, but he'd be responsible for the non-bill expenses he racks up in his own name and you for yours.

2. Another option is to divide up the household contributions by a percentage. The total cost of all your bills, transportation for both of you, etc. and contribute toward THAT amount instead of just the bills. So if your rent, groceries, utilities, cost for travel for both jobs, etc. comes to $3,000 per month, then you contribute the percentage of that that's proportionate to your income. If you earn 95% of the income, then you pay 95% of that $3k.

Anyway, whatever method you think is fair, you can make happen, especially if the earnings are as different as you say they are. However, you have to have three things ready:

1. The boundaries you plan to enforce.
2. A plan of what you'll do if your boundaries aren't respected.
3. The strength and follow-through to go through with your plan if they're not respected.

Once you have these things ready, you sit him down and calmly say that you are not willing to continue as things have been. Set forth what you will do, and inform him that you will not settle for less. Be prepared for him to argue, criticize, and complain, but do not negotiate at this point. Tell him you'll take his opinions into consideration and reconsider after 3 months, but not before.

During that three months, I think you'll get a VERY clear idea of whether your husband is committed to your relationship or to himself. Whether he sees you as someone to be used, or as his partner. Whether he's going to succeed at his art or just let you be his meal ticket.

Please visit my blog for more relationship articles and advice, or check out my latest gift and greeting card designs.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-10-2012, 01:55 AM
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Re: Is my husband bullying me?

Yes he is bullying you.
Also he seems to be overly critical of your efforts to make things work.

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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-10-2012, 03:23 AM
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Re: Is my husband bullying me?

Definitely a big bully.

Quick question, why is he earning so little? What is stopping him from contributing more?

Take the advice above by Kathy.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-10-2012, 06:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is my husband bullying me?

Thank you all for your replies. I have tried the separate bank accounts and he is against it. Says that we are married. I didn't actually calculate out the % when I said 95%, however it is probably close to that. Because I make net about $4,300 a month, I expect him to contribute $500 to our bills, but just because that is what I think I might be able to get. This doesn't take into account that he uses the money I make to pay for some gas, some supplies and some other things out of the $4,300. He does bring in more money, however by the time we pay for everything it costs, there is nothing left, in fact, its probably more of a negative thing. He sees that he's bringing in money, but does not take into account all the money it costs.

He is not willing to do anything differently, that is why he is contributing so little. We had hoped he would make more money over the years, but it has not changed and he has decided, he will not do anything else. I thought that maybe we should cut down on the conventions for his art that we do, but when I mention that, it doesn't seem to be an option.

I appreciate the options, I have tried similar things in the past, but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm not wanting to always pay 95% of the bills, I think he should be helping more, so that does not really seem to be what he should be able to help. I would like to impliment this, but pretty sure he will not be on board because that would require him to do something different.

Thanks again guys!
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-10-2012, 07:37 AM
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Re: Is my husband bullying me?

Ah! The artist and his art... In the real world that's tough.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-10-2012, 10:15 AM
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Re: Is my husband bullying me?

Yes to bullying.

I know you love him so I will refrain from telling you what I really think.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-10-2012, 10:32 AM
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Re: Is my husband bullying me?

Wow this guy is a piece of work.

I have a news flash for you. You will eventually leave him. Maybe in a year and maybe in 20. There is just no substance to his character and that will eventually catch up to him.

I've known a few of these guys. Very entitled. He thinks he is special and deserves for you to accept his leadership but in return he's not providing any leadership. Just selfishness.

You've already started your journey in that you're questioning why he can "not have what it takes" to make a living but hold you accountable to take care of finances all the while he can say "how things are".

He will be mad at the world soon enough. I hope you don't go down on that ship with him. It really doesn't matter how good looking or how charismatic or sure of himself he is. What matters is there is not substance to his character and I don't think these types change very often.

They just blame the world for not understanding how special they are and end up bitter. I hope you start looking to get away from this. There is nothing good about being unappreciated in this life.

Sorry for my dark opinion but I see all the signs of people I've seen before.

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