General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This weekend my husband and I went to visit both of our families and we were having a discussion on the way home about why so many men have issues with their wives. We haven't been married long- just over a month- and we barely dated a year before tying the knot. To some people it seems to be a rushed time frame, but our relationship isn't just "Ohhh, I love him and he's perfect ohhh!" Even though when we got together we didn't really have intentions off getting into a serious relationship, it became obvious pretty fast that we made a great team. And my husband is wonderful- he is attentive and affectionate, and he doesn't mind helping me around the house. He is appreciative of me and generally makes me feel wanted and cared about.
But anywho, back to the discussion in the car. He mentioned that his ex girlfriend that he lived with for 5 years didn't like it when he spent time with his family and that no woman would ever come before his family because his dad and brothers were the only people he could always trust. My feelings were hurt and I asked, "Well, I'm your family now, too, aren't I?" Then he said "No", but he said it in that goofy way he uses when he doesn't want to talk about something. Getting serious again, he tried to explain that he never thought of his ex that he'd been with for 5 years as family either and I couldn't help but say, "I'm your wife, not your girlfriend." He tried to save face by saying "Yeah, but that just wasn't the way I was brought up." After that the conversation more or less died... I couldn't think of anything else to say.
My feelings are pretty hurt- his mom left when he was seven, so I guess he never thought of husband and wife as a family unit, but I grew up in a two parent home and was taught from an early age that a husband and wife were almost the closest type of family you could have, because those people chose to have a life together. We don't have children but want to when I graduate (college) and settle down more permanently and we have pets together. I love his family and they love me; his niece started calling me aunt months before the wedding and his dad and mom seemed super excited to be "adding another daughter" to their family. I am a good wife, too- I cook and clean, which is more than his ex did. I don't currently work because I'm a full time student now, but I did before our wedding in addition to college, which is more than his ex can say, too.
I can't understand why my husband doesn't think of me as his family and I don't understand why he compares me to his ex, even though I don't seem to be anything like her. She was the longest relationship he had and he tells me that after two years of being with her, they didn't even like each other all that much. Even though he tells me that I'm a great wife and he has it good and he is constantly telling me he loves me, I can't help but be a bit afraid that eventually my "shiny is going to rub off" and he's not going to be very interested in me, either. Already our sex life is impossibly slow- if I wait on him to initiate, we might make love once a week and it may last 15 minutes. I understand there are reasons for this, but him brushing me off and calling me a "horny goat/ sex fiend/ et c." when I ask for sex doesn't exactly make me confident. He reassures me that he finds me attractive and sexy and he is constantly copping a feel, but when he makes nothing of it, it just makes me feel unattractive.
I would really like to talk to him about these things but I can't figure out how to broach the subject. Any suggestions?
And I'm sorry for writing a book, but I don't have anyone to really confide in right now and it's been hard keeping all of this bottled up; thanks to everyone who reads and responds
Do something about the no sex thing now. There is no reason to be in a marriage and be having such little sex.
Firstly rule out porn. Does he watch porn or masturbate alone a lot, if so he needs to stop and focus on you. he also needs to stop teasing you about wanting sex because it's healthy and normal. If you rule those things out then you need to have his testosterone levels checked and health checked out, they may be very low and he might need some testosterone. (check out the threads on low T on TAM)
As for the not family thing, you most definitely are and if he puts other people before you and doesn't trust you implicitly I would ask him for marraige counseling. It's not ok for him to think that way and will damage your marriage over time.
Good luck. Posted via Mobile Device
He actually mentioned today that he thinks he might have low testosterone, and I'm hoping I can get him to the doc for it soon. He doesn't watch porn or masturbate, and when I ask him about his lack of desire he tells me that he's just not a very sexual person and never really has been. He tries to reassure me and tell me that he thinks I'm sexy, but when he acts like having sex is a chore instead of a treat, it really does hurt my self esteem.
And thanks for suggesting counseling- it probably would help. Like I mentioned, he couldn't learn much about marriage from his parents, so I think counseling would be a great thing to try out.
Hokie, hi. Maybe H just needs some time to adjust to you being part of his family. You met and married pretty quick (like me and my H) so maybe he just needs some time on this.
Sounds like he is pretty close to his dad and brother, which is great, but is it possible there are some trust issues relating to his mum? My H took a long time to get used to the relationship I had with my family as he was brought up completely differently. He was brought up to be independent of his family, where as my family are very close.
I wouldn't question that he loves you, as you said he was with his ex for 5 years and they didn't marry. How did that relationship end?
Are you a young couple? I only ask because I married at 23, my H was only 21, we had only known each other 6 months. We both had a lot of learning to do about relationships and family dynamics. Our sex life was always pretty good but we were both shy about talking about our needs and 19 years later we are still learning about communicating with each other. Posted via Mobile Device
Hi Daisy, hanks for you input. He doesn't really talk about his mom much and even though we go to visit when we can, he doesn't seem to want to go very often. He loves her and has a good relationship with her, and he even lived with her for a little while when he was in high school. Sometimes I do feel like he feels distanced from her, though. I've asked him if he resents her and similar questions, but he says he understands that she had her reasons for leaving and doesn't blame her. I do feel that her leaving has severly impacted how he views the husband-wife dynamic.
His relationship with his ex ended with her cheating, leaving, getting knocked up by another guy, and attempting to come back. She was almost as younger than him as I am, but her friends were into drugs and partying and he told her he didn't want to be around that. Even though I know for a fact he hasn't spoken to her since the end of the relationship (around two or so years ago) he still stays in touch with her mom and stepdad, and her mom has wished us the best in our marriage and talked to me as well (she's quite friendly.) He is somewhat bitter towards his ex because over their relationship she managed to drain his savings account and when she left she really put him in a financial bind- he had to end a lease on their apartment early and he was stuck with paying off almost the total balance on some furniture from a rent to own store.
Agewise, we are lopsided, he is 26 and I'm almost 21. We first connected on the internet on a dating site- he had just moved back to the area and I was looking to just meet people and go on some casual dates- I wanted a break from serious relationships! But, the first time we actually met there was a little click that we couldn't really ignore. Besides the whole barely any sex and the not-family thing, we have a great relationship.
Hokie - his Mom left and his ex of 5 yrs cheated. Don't take this to the bank cause I am not an expert: I would say he has some trust issues and although he may really love you, he still has his defenses up. He is maintaining his distance.
When he uses the "horny goat/ sex fiend" thing, it sounds a bit judgmental, which again, may just be his defense mechanism. Since you haven't really been together very long, you don't have a lot to work with as far as trends go. I agree counseling is a good idea. And if he agrees to it, that is a good indication he a) recognizes there may be a problem and b) is willing to make an effort.
Personally, I would not have married a man that still talks about his ex. But that's just me. YOU also need to stop comparing yourself to her. The next time he mentions ex, tell him that you don't want to hear anymore about her, that's the past, and you are his present and future. Discussions need to be about the 2 of you and your current/future life together.
__________________
~~~ SW ~~~
~ A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you". Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"...She replies, "It's me ... talking to the wine.
Thanks, I really appreciate the responses!
He doesn't talk about his ex very often, usually just if we are talking about relationships and the things people do to mess up in them. The more I think about it, I think the comparison was just his way of saying "No one can separate me from my blood, no matter who they are or how long I've been with them." I asked him if he really could see me trying to interfere with him and his family and I think it embarrassed him a bit, because he guffawed and said he was speaking hypothetically. Pretty sure he was just trying to look macho.
We talked about what happened in the car, and he apologized and said that's not the way he feels. He agrees with me that we started this marriage to have a new family of our own. I explained that what he said made me feel like he saw me as second- class or not trustworthy, and he reassured me that it wasn't how he thought of me at all. He told me that he trusts me and wants to have a life together- after all, that was why he married me. He also told me that as his wife, no one else could interfere in our relationship, either.
Right now it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Unfortunately, we're still on different pages about sex... even though he told me that he thinks he might have a low testosterone problem, he acted offended when I told him I was looking it up online. Then he told me to quit being insecure just because he wasn't banging me every two minutes and told me that he thought I looked sexy to him anyways. It's not just about the feelings of inadequacy or wanting to "get off"... I really do miss that aspect of our relationship and to me, it's an important way to stay connected to one another.
That's good news. However, on the sex front, I have to ask again was the "banging me every two minutes" or "wanting to get off" his exact words? That, the previous "horny goat / sex fiend" remarks and him being offended with you looking the low T up online, sounds very defensive and/or judgmental. Hopefully others here on TAM can give you some better insight on that - perhaps over on the sex in marriage section.
How he was raised shouldn't mean that's the end of discussion. There is a lot of things that change and just because someone was raised a certain way does not make it okay or right for them to go on life with that mentality.
You are his family. What exactly IS a wife to him then? What defines family?
I would find out honestly now. There are much larger issues that come with this mentality. Who is in his will? Not you? Because you're not "family". Who would he take care of first if he as a will? These things are really concerning because if you decide to share in a life together it should mean exactly that.
A visit to the ER last night revealed a serious stomach ulcer, so I'm thinking that maybe there's a big culprit?
The part about getting off aren't his words, but the banging every two minutes are his words.
I don't think you should not let the sex thing and testosterone go. Maybe print out some info, there is a lot on this site and write him a short letter about how your needs are not being met, that it's vital to stay connected and feel desired and that what he is doing is damaging your self esteem and the marriage. Also tell him the things he says are defensive unhelpful and hurtful. Remind him that you love him and that sex and sexual desire is normal and natural, you are not a sex freak but a healthy woman who is attracted to her husband. What's wrong with that? Posted via Mobile Device
The whole family thing raises HUGE issues for me. Define IMMEDIATE FAMILY. The first name on the list is spouse.
That's what MAKES A FAMILY TO BEGIN WITH..Spouses....everyone else comes after that.
This is something I don't understand. Why do other family members have to come after the spouse? If you were forced to choose and this is just hypothetical (I hope it never happens for anyone) that you could have your spouse in your life or mom (just choosing that, I am close to mine), would you really pick to not have that other family member in your life? My wife knows and understands how much my immediate family means to me. She is now apart of that, but she is apart, not at the top of the list. No person could ever be more important than those who have always been close to my heart apart of my family.
This is something I don't understand. Why do other family members have to come after the spouse? If you were forced to choose and this is just hypothetical (I hope it never happens for anyone) that you could have your spouse in your life or mom (just choosing that, I am close to mine), would you really pick to not have that other family member in your life? My wife knows and understands how much my immediate family means to me. She is now apart of that, but she is apart, not at the top of the list. No person could ever be more important than those who have always been close to my heart apart of my family.
If my future husband said that then I wouldn't marry him. I think that's why marraiges fail. Nothing and no one should come before them. My children I love them so much I can't even describe it and I'd say I'm very close to my parents. But I want a life long intimate physical and emotional bond with my husband like no other. I don't want to share my life and bed for anything less. If you don't have what it takes to love your spouse deeply and completely then I don't think you should get married. JMO Posted via Mobile Device
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My husband doesn't consider me "family" 
