General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My wife and I have been together for about 5 years. Of those five years, we've been married about two. She has always been "odd" compared to the other women I've been in relationships with, but I love her because she isn't like any other woman I've been with. However, I know before we started dating that she once had a gay relationship with a girl that didn't work out. She used to never give me the details on it besides explaining that it was just a phase and she was young and made some stupid decisions. She advised that it was the only gay relationship she has ever had and that she has never had the desire to be with a woman since it ended.
Further more she re-enforces my confidence in us by telling me that she knows she is strait and that she has never loved anyone more than me. Although sweet and comforting, the skeptical side of me still rests uneasily. The reason for this is primarily do to what I'm about to tell you.
My wife's best friend has always been close with her off and on over the years - even while her friend was away at college, they kept in good communication through phones and chat rooms. During this past year or so they have grown closer than ever and hang out at least once a week. Sometimes her friend even crashes on the sofa ( while we sleep in the bedroom of course ). However, over the past year my wife's friend has began showing definite signs of being gay. She has cut her hair shorter than mine ( -and I'm in law enforcement ), has started only wearing men's clothes, and whenever I overhear them talking - she is always boastful on how pretty a woman is on TV or that they both know.
My wife seems completely ignorant of her friend's obvious changes of sexual preference. Now to defend my wife's rather passive attention on this - her friend has never had a boy-friend for as far as I've known her and when asked she has always laughed it off and said "Boyfriend?! Nope - Never had one".
After they hung out one night and we dropped her friend off back at home, I asked my wife about her friend's sexual preference. My wife tilted her head to the side and said after thinking about it for a minute or so, "I think she is asexual" and left it at that. When I pressed her for more details - politely stating things like, "Come on now...I'd know if my best friend was Gay." - My wife makes a face and says, "We don't really ever talk about that kind of stuff."
I'm concerned that my wife might be slowly turning back...maybe not with her friend, but the influence she has on her is close to rivaling my own and my wife is vulnerable right now. My wife just lost her job and is struggling to help make money to help me pay all the bills. Her friend has always been kind to me, but for the most part - stayed quiet whenever I'm around.
As for our relationship - it is as follows:
We've always been up and down. Some months I can't wait to get home everyday to kiss her and make love, while other months I feel uber neglected. Not to TMI anyone out, but there are some months that we have sex every other day and other months where I am lucky to get a single hand job. I know she is stressed out, and hanging out with her good friend helps. I don't want her to loose that friendship because of my overly-concerned ass suspecting something out of nothing.
I like to think that my wife is telling me the truth. Trust me I do. She is sweet, kind, and always good to me. But I've caught her in lies before, particularly about her past and it's caused me to second guess somethings.
Could she have always been gay and is in denial? Or was it just a phase? Again sorry for the TMI if it is, but our sex life is...not at all what I expected. When we do have sex it can be great. Usually missionary or whatever style pleases us. However, things like oral have always grossed her out. More so with me on her than her on me. When she does "pleasure me" in that fashion it's more of a tease than a real BJ and can be frustrating more than anything else for me. I'll talk dirty or make a suggestion for improvement and she'll move on to the main event or continue to not really get into that act. When I go down on her she says she doesn't like it. Granted I was a virgin when we met, but I've had my fair share of Oral experience before her and have always been told I was very good at it. When I try to do it to her, she says it tickles her to bad and she'd rather just go to intercourse and go for the G-Spot over the clit.
...Yeah I know...right? Never known a woman in my entirely life - NEVER EVEN HEARD of a woman who doesn't like her clit being directly stimulated.
Anyways...Forgive me if I was too detailed...
My wife has always been a good friend, and companion...but if she is gay then how can she ever truly be happily married to me. If she has feelings for the opposite sex and admits it I think it would almost be a relief because it would explain SO MUCH and we could get over what I think is a denial phase and try to move on...
I've asked her if she was gay several times during our relationship and she always denies it angrily...It took her forever to give me the details on her gay relationship over years ago.
She insists she loves me and treats me right, but I can't help but feel that she is almost trying to convince herself...I just don't know anymore.
What should I do? How do I truly find out? And if she is gay, where do we go from there? If she still loves me do we try to make it work or will it ever truly work out do to her true desires?
Help me out guys - it's really hard to open up about this and I need all the advice I can get...Just asking a friend of mine or one of the guys at work would eventually get back to her and I don't need that on my plate right now...
I can imagine that you must feel pretty vulnerable without knowing for sure, but at the same time, I hope you'll consider the can of worms you could be opening.
Your fears could be accurate. Some people never come out of the closet and will marry and appear to lead straight lives. I have a close relative like this. He will not admit to any homosexual or bisexual tendencies even when I basically walked in on an interaction he had!
Right now, you're "happy enough" with your relationship. If you discovered she has something going with her best friend, your entire relationship will be threatened and you could very easily be on the losing end on that situation.
I can assure that she does love you enough to be married to you and clearly cares enough about how you feel that she's reluctant to say anything that threatens you.
However, only you can decide if your marriage is worth tolerating the ambiguity, and if "knowing" for sure is a risk you want to take.
If it was me I'd trust my gut and plant a VAR in her car and set up other spy gear to either validate or dismiss my gut feeling.
Sure it sucks to spy but it better then getting burned. I mean you owe it to your self to confirm her commitment and prevent your self from getting set up.
At the end of the day how many red flags do you have that lead to your wife being unfaithful?
From my own experience, I can tell you not listening to my gut and having blind trust is why I'm here in this community.
IMHO its not a matter of sexual orientation, but protecting your self from being betrayed.............
Lets face it, at the end of the day your chick is not doing a whole hell of alot to affair proof her marriage by assoiciating with a toxic friend that is going thru some tempting behaviors as far as your wifes history is concerned!
BTW, was your chick a lipstick or a butch?
Either way this friend may not be marriage freindly, so protect your marriage by investigating you wife. The info you find may give you the ammo to request that W no longer assoiciate with this threat to your wifes marriage.
Look, a significant proportion of women are bicurious and have had a homosexual encounter. Quit asking her about it! She has told what she is going to tell you and you repreatingly questioning her makes you look like an insecure whimp.
If her best friend is gay, that doesn't mean she is having a sexual relationship with your wife.
The are many women who do not like direct clitoral stimulation. It is too sensitive for them. Everyone is different. That is not to excuse a lack of sexual activity in your marriage; but, she may just not appreciate your oral technique. Learn what she does like and work on pleasing her. Also let her know what you want and call her out if she isn't working on it. You guys may need some sex therapy.
Here are my recommendations
1) get a little self confidence and stop asking repeatedly about her sexual orientation
2) get into investigative mode and find out if anything is going on( i.e. VAR key log)
3) If nothing is going on, either get over it; or let your wife know her constant attention to the best friend is affecting your relationship.
There is nothing you can do about her best friend. She was there before you. She is not acting inappropriately towards you or your wife. Your wife only sees her once a week. If she is gay, so what. Her best friend cannot turn your wife gay.
Counseling is needed for your sex life if you can't fix it on your own.
If it was me I'd trust my gut and plant a VAR in her car and set up other spy gear to either validate or dismiss my gut feeling.
Sure it sucks to spy but it better then getting burned. I mean you owe it to your self to confirm her commitment and prevent your self from getting set up.
At the end of the day how many red flags do you have that lead to your wife being unfaithful?
From my own experience, I can tell you not listening to my gut and having blind trust is why I'm here in this community.
IMHO its not a matter of sexual orientation, but protecting your self from being betrayed.............
Lets face it, at the end of the day your chick is not doing a whole hell of alot to affair proof her marriage by assoiciating with a toxic friend that is going thru some tempting behaviors as far as your wifes history is concerned!
BTW, was your chick a lipstick or a butch?
Either way this friend may not be marriage freindly, so protect your marriage by investigating you wife. The info you find may give you the ammo to request that W no longer assoiciate with this threat to your wifes marriage.
This...but be EXTREMELY stealthy about it. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks everyone for your help. I'll try not to be such a wimp. She is the lipstick kind, by the way "The Guy". I don't like the idea of spying on her - I'd rather appear as a wimp than throw out marital trust into the ground. However, you may be right in that being the only way to truly know. You all have been VERY helpful and I'll be doing a lot of prayer and meditation on this.
Thanks for the advice guys, I'll try to keep you updated!
Unless I had reason to think she was cheating on me then it would not bother me if my wife had attraction to women as a kink. She loves me and never ever tells me no to sex. She couldnt help it if she was attracted to women sometimes. The attraction wouldnt be an issue to me only cheating would be. But thats just me.
There are many articles out there that state women are naturally bicurious and most do not act upon it so it dies out and we end up in heterosexual relationships.
It does not mean we are unhappy or trying to live a false straight life. It just means, that whatever we would have sought in a straight or gay partner is probably the same thing anyway. I know that is true for me. I am not really bicurious anymore but there was a point in my life I was and I didn't do anything about it because I didn't really feed I HAD to find out. I just accepted that I was and really that was enough for me. I found my partner and if I happened to find those characteristics in a female I might have been in love with her too.
So what if her friend is gay? Unless she is in love with your wife and is stepping into dangerous grounds that might jeopardize your marriage it has nothing to do with you.
There are a lot of disconcerting misconceptions in this, especially the notion of "her friend's obvious changes of sexual preference" and being concerned that your wife is "slowly turning back." That's not quite how it works.
Some women do not like direct clitoral stimulation. It can feel very ticklish and be hard to figure out the right pressure and stimulation method. Preferring penetration does not make her gay. Even if she were gay, I imagine that wouldn't change how she felt about being stimulated clitorally, unless you think it's because she's turned off by you because you're a guy.
I doubt that she "lost all desire" for a gay relationship once she left one- unless it was truly some young experimental thing. She may be bisexual and doesn't want you to worry about it. If she's bi, does it matter? Just like others said, fidelity is fidelity. It does make it trickier as most would say that a spouse should not have 1:1 time with members of the preferred sex, but if both are an option can you really say she shouldn't have any friends?
A lot of people do not like to identify with culturally created labels on sexuality. She probably doesn't either. If she says she loves you and is attracted to you, then meet with a counselor to help with creating a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. If everything was great but you were still worried she was attracted to women, perhaps exclusively, would you care? I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, but that's what it comes down to. If she is happy and you are happy, great. If not, try and fix the issues, don't try and play detective with her sexuality unless she gives you a reason to question her loyalty and fidelity. It doesn't sound like she's been inappropriate with this friend or anyone else, guy or girl, unless I missed something.
To be honest, I wonder if you're looking for a reason as to why your marriage is unsatisfactory. You say that it would "almost be a relief" if she was. What if she isn't? What does that say about your relationship? Talk to her about what you're concerned about, don't grill her about something you're guessing is the cause.
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I think my wife is gay...Help! Need advice! 
