General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This forum has quite a few people that suffer through infidelity and decide to R or D because of it.
My question is how do you deal or forgive emotional abuse?
I am not planned on staying with my H, but am trying to move past the hurt and actually try to forgive him... just to get past my anxiety. It is double duty because of the abuse and his EA's.
The other day I was trying to remember when the abuse started... I can't say exactly.. I am thinking it started around 2006... The abuse involved:
Demeaning comments about my past sexual history because of my childhood sexual abuse.
Accusations of me cheating ( I had to constantly defend myself, account for my whole day)
I had to call him and "check in" many times during the day, and he would get upset if I didn't answer the phone when he called.
If I said something wrong , he would call me stupid
I hardly argued with him, but if I would say something he didn't like, he would call me a b*tch and say f^ck u. ( I know people hear worse).
He tried an inappropriate (toy) during sex ( borderline dangerous) ( 2 weeks after Dday #2)
He would totally ignore me ( I didn't exist),, if I turned him down for sex
He would grab my nipple, and if I tried to get him to let go, he would pull and pinch harder... smiling the whole time, but with a look I can't even explain...
He would walk past me and with his fingers "flip" me on the forehead,, ( it hurt), and laugh about it.
He secretly kept in contact with his ex hs gf during our whole relationship/marriage ( 11 years)
This is a few,,, but just trying to figure out how to forgive.
I understand it is "him" and not me... but words and actions go deep,,,
I just know, for myself, I need to find a way.
This forum has quite a few people that suffer through infidelity and decide to R or D because of it.
My question is how do you deal or forgive emotional abuse?
I am not planned on staying with my H, but am trying to move past the hurt and actually try to forgive him... just to get past my anxiety. It is double duty because of the abuse and his EA's.
The other day I was trying to remember when the abuse started... I can't say exactly.. I am thinking it started around 2006... The abuse involved:
Demeaning comments about my past sexual history because of my childhood sexual abuse.
Accusations of me cheating ( I had to constantly defend myself, account for my whole day)
I had to call him and "check in" many times during the day, and he would get upset if I didn't answer the phone when he called.
If I said something wrong , he would call me stupid
I hardly argued with him, but if I would say something he didn't like, he would call me a b*tch and say f^ck u. ( I know people hear worse).
He tried an inappropriate (toy) during sex ( borderline dangerous) ( 2 weeks after Dday #2)
He would totally ignore me ( I didn't exist),, if I turned him down for sex
He would grab my nipple, and if I tried to get him to let go, he would pull and pinch harder... smiling the whole time, but with a look I can't even explain...
He would walk past me and with his fingers "flip" me on the forehead,, ( it hurt), and laugh about it.
He secretly kept in contact with his ex hs gf during our whole relationship/marriage ( 11 years)
This is a few,,, but just trying to figure out how to forgive.
I understand it is "him" and not me... but words and actions go deep,,,
I just know, for myself, I need to find a way.
Has all of this stopped? If not, don't even consider trying to "move past it" at all!
Has all of this stopped? If not, don't even consider trying to "move past it" at all!
Yes, we are separated, it took him 1 week of counseling to "get it" ( yet for 5 or so years, I could tell him he was hurting my feelings and he never "got it".... says he now sees how bad he treated me. ( I doubt he does).
I think he just says this to try to smooth things over to get me back.
I am getting ready to go to my hs reunion ( by myself) and he is going crazy... wanting to know if I'm staying over there, what I'm wearing ....
Yeah... a week isn't enough time for him to "get it." In fact, his demands to know information are simply signposts telling you that he's still wanting to control, control, control.
You'll know when it's real. You won't have to convince yourself because you'll be constantly in shock at how much he SHOWS you changes when a person truly changes.
When those changes are real and sustained over a long time, you won't have to forgive. It'll happen all by itself, as I describe in Forgiveness: Should You?
I hope you'll be very cautious about taking him back. He sounds like a good manipulator who can use guilt and charm to lure you back.
No, I'm not ready to take him back... he tries to tell me how much he's changed..
I don't have many friends ( imagine that),,,, and now he's saying he doesn't trust one of my few friends,, saying that he feels she is going to try to hook me up.. ( again, showing no trust on my part, as if I am going to just screw anybody I see...)
Plus trying to control,, isolate me and separate me from my friends...
Forgiving abuse?
This is a few,,, but just trying to figure out how to forgive.
First keep yourself in the position that you are in. That position is one that keeps the abuse from coming to you. You have a wounded soul and you need to keep anyone from making your soul bleed more.
The people that I know that have been successful in forgiving incorporate a spiritual faith based on Christ. I could comment more but do not want to if you are one that does not care for that kind of spirituality. Some people get offended by that faith and you do not need anyone to offend you.
First keep yourself in the position that you are in. That position is one that keeps the abuse from coming to you. You have a wounded soul and you need to keep anyone from making your soul bleed more.
The people that I know that have been successful in forgiving incorporate a spiritual faith based on Christ. I could comment more but do not want to if you are one that does not care for that kind of spirituality. Some people get offended by that faith and you do not need anyone to offend you.
I do believe in Faith and God.. and yes I do pray for myself and him. Not to bring us back together,, but so I can heal, and he can become a better person, for himself and all who he is in contact with.
I appreciate the support from you both.. Its awful how someone can treat someone else with no respect, and supposedly not even realize they are doing it..
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Forgiving abuse? 
