Riverside MFT

Let's suppose for a moment that I have a bowl of fruit. In that bowl, there are bananas, a couple of oranges, and a couple of apples. I place the bowl of fruit in between a husband and wife so that it is just above eye level for both. After having them look at the bowl of fruit for a few minutes, I then remove the bowl from their view. I had the bowl situated so that the husband was only able to see the bananas and the apples as the apples prevented him from seeing the oranges. On the other hand, the wife was only able to see the bananas and the oranges because the oranges blocked her view of the apples.

After removing the fruit, I ask the couple what they saw. Both would agree that they saw bananas in that bowl of fruit. I then ask what other fruit was in the bowl and the following conversation could take place:


Husband: "Well, there were also two red apples in the bowl."
Wife: "That is not true. There were two oranges in the bowl."
Husband: "What do you mean it is not true. I saw them with my own eyes."
Wife: "I saw the same bowl of fruit, and I am telling you that there were no apples in that bowl."

The husband and wife then proceed to argue about what they saw or didn't see. There argument may include yelling, degrading, name calling, and so on. This may sound comical, but I see similar scenes--minus the bowl of fruit and replaced with another subject--on a regular basis in my counseling office.

So during this argument, who was right? Well they were both right in claiming that the bowl of fruit had two apples (husband) or two oranges (wife), but they were both wrong when they claimed that the bowl did not have the apples (wife) or the oranges (husband). It is all a matter of perspective.

Our life's experiences, positive and negative, help shape our perception and memories of what happens to us in our environment. People react differently to the same situations based on these life experiences. Problems can arise when we are so focussed on our own experience and forget that our spouse may have a different perspective.

Let's say one spouse does something to hurt the other spouse (whether intentional or not). That spouse may apologize, but if the hurt spouse does not feel that the apology was sincere, they may not "hear" the apology. An argument might later come up about whether the spouse apologized or not. In reality, both spouses are right because of their perceptions of the situation.

The next time you get into an argument with your spouse don't get upset when they don't understand you or see your perspective. Don't try to prove to him or her that you are right, and that they are wrong.

My challenge is for you to embrace your spouse's experiences and differences of opinion instead of trying to prove to him or her that your own experience is right. As you come to understand their perspective, you might actually gain a better understanding of the whole bowl of fruit.

I originally posted this at Walk a Mile in Your Spouse's Shoes

__________________
Brian, Marriage Counselor
My Counseling Webpage (for California Residents)
Improve My Marriage Blog

Gaia

Thank you for this post riverside.
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YinPrincess

Perception is something key that we must understand about others. We cannot determine another's reality. I really liked this post!
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AFEH

Both were caught up in their egos and made it a “right fight”. Much like two young children. Terry Pratchet, one of my favourite authors says most people don’t live more than an inch outside of their own head. And because of that it follows they are unable to see another’s perspective.


It’s one of the reasons I like http://www.amazon.co.uk/Awareness-An...6613803&sr=8-1 so much as it teaches us how to get away from our ego and hence our emotions such that we see things from another perspective, that of the unattached observer.


But I’ve also recently become fond of Mindfulness, it’s an Eastern thing. A person who is Mindful is already detached from their self-centred ego and therefore their emotions. It’s the emotions that derail things and leads to these type of silly and childish right fight arguments.

A Mindful person would have asked themselves something like “Why on earth is she saying there’s no apples when there is and oranges when there isn’t? She’s neither blind or stupid so what’s going on?” And got off his chair and gone round to take a look at the bowl from her perspective.

Riverside MFT

Thank you.

__________________
Brian, Marriage Counselor
My Counseling Webpage (for California Residents)
Improve My Marriage Blog

2ntnuf

Thank you.

Ten_year_hubby

Riverside,

I am very cool with this approach, but I have a question. When there is a disagreement over matters of historical fact, is our marriage benefited by allowing the partner in denial to remain there?

galian84

Very true. My dad told me several times "remember, perception is everything". Definitely helps a lot to try and see things from the other person's perspective.

occasionallybaffled

Very insightful. Bookmarking and sharing.

__________________
The world is full of too many people... for two people to remain together... if one/both are truly unhappy and unwilling to change.

Racer

Hehe... that is a nice way to put across a concept I’ve used: I just assume my wife is insane. I know it sounds bad, but hear me out. If you have ever dealt with a seriously crazy person or autistic one? You throw out any and all expectations and assumptions that their mind ‘ticks’ like yours or they live in the same reality as you do. So, the conversation is more like an exploration to figure out how they ‘tick’ and reached their conclusions.

You don’t go about trying to prove they are wrong, or doing it wrong. You aren’t attempting to get them to think like you either because you just accept they are damaged and it is not possible. You are instead trying to figure out how on earth they ‘got there’ from ‘here’ and adding information to clarify how you interpreted it on the off chance they might understand you better so they can ask questions instead of trusting their own assumptions... It also benefits you because you’ll know you may need to take some more time expressing your intentions so there isn’t mis-communication. At least for me.... it was easier to think and accept my wife is crazy in simplistic terms and communicate with her along those lines.

Lon

But what good is any of this? Neither person can know what the other one knows but neither can argue the other is wrong - however they are allowed to defend what they know is right. I will continue to go through life knowing what I know and believing others know what they know, but it is a gap that need not ever really be bridged. It is a only a problem if one thinks it needs to be solved I guess.

Ten_year_hubby

One of my personal mottoes is "Never argue with a crazy person." Works well in marriage

Blanca

When my H and I started having serious issues in our marriage I tried to see his side of things. The problem with trying to see your spouses side of things, at least with serious problems, is that you spend so much time trying to figure them out that you completely lose your own boundaries - things get much, much worse. You spend time trying to mind read, find different angles, solve the problem in different ways until one day you wake up and realize that you're full of hate and resentment and you are still clueless. That's when you get some N.U.T.S and realize that you can't, nor should you try, to always see their side of things. But you can always respect your needs. Knowing how to enforce your boundaries when your marriage is on the rocks is extremely complicated - and it can't really be compared to a vain disagreement over a bowl of fruit.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

RandomDude

For many issues I have done this, but for the stubbornly annoying sex issue, it's rather difficult.