Why won't he propose? HELP?!?!
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Old 05-17-2009, 02:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why won't he propose? HELP?!?!

Hello Everyone! New to forum and need advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and living together for two. I am 21 and he is 23. We are both very mature for our age. I have been living independantly and taking care of myself since i turned 18. He has a stable job as a pipefitter in the union and I work in an accounting office and am going to school currently. Neither of us have any children or have been in any serious previous relationships. Also, his best friend just got married and had a baby in the last two years.

We both love each other very much. I have no idea what i would do without him and never want to find out. I fully intend to be with him for the rest of my life and he says he feels the same way. We have a very healthy relationship; no cheating, when we argue we never name call or anything like that and we are both very open and honest with one another. Although, I am very confused right now and have no idea what to do. Over the last year i have been thinking more and more about marriage and am more certain every day of how important it is to me and how badly i want to marry him. I was straight forward with him from the time we got together (when i was 16) and told him repeatedly that one day i wanted to be married and have a family, and he agreed and said he wanted the same thing. Children are very important to me and he knows this also, he says he wants children with me also and knows it's a deal breaker should he ever change his mind.

That being said, now that i am talking more about it and want it so badly he has told me that qoute, "Yes, one day we will get married but first i have to wrap my head around the marriage consept, I don't understand why we have to be married just because society says so, we live as if we are married now and feel as if we are married so why should we do it? Why do we need our friends and family to witness and why do we need a piece of paper to make it official?"

I want to have my first child when I am between 23-25. I understand many women are okay with being a little older when they have children and more power to them, but personally I really want to have kids soon. I also do not want to have children without being married.

I want to be married so badly because to me marriage means being there for one another for the rest of our lives, and I want to have that promise from him that even when my hair turns grey and we're both older he'll still love me just as much as i love him. I've explained this to him and he says he is thinking about it and that he thinks about it daily but i really don't think it's something he is seriously considering.

Last year in the fall i told him that by the fall of this year i wanted to be engaged or i was moving out. I held to it until just about two weeks ago when i told him that I only wanted to be with him and that marriage wouldn't mean anything to me if it wasn't him i was saying the vows to. He was very happy to be let out of the ultimatum. But i am just so confused?? I don't want to force him because i don't think he'll be happy if i do and i won't be happy about having to force him. I want him to want to do it but I don't want to wait forever. What should I do? Any advice would be helpful!

Sorry about the long post but I really need help. I feel like i'm going crazy.
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Old 05-17-2009, 11:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose? HELP?!?!

I know what you are going through. I moved states with my H (then boyfriend) to start my life with him because i thought we had agreed on getting married. After I moved i found out he wasnt really interested in getting married for various reasons.

I did what you did. ultimatums and pressuring my H. we got married but i will always feel like we got married for reasons other then the 'right' ones. so im glad you dropped the ultimatum. i live with that regret.

i watched an episode on dr. phil about this. he said why would the guy want to get married when he has everything he needs? and its very true. whats the difference between now and being married, to your h? probably not much. Dr. Phil said his wife kicked him out when he said he wasnt ready for marriage. I dunno. maybe that is a good approach. she got what she wanted.

Im sorry i dont have a lot of advice for you. I just have my sympathies. i know how painful it all is.
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Old 05-18-2009, 06:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose? HELP?!?!

Because as we say here in the South, " He's got his cake and eating it too". An ultimatum is the wrong way to go. You'll have to be creative here and "show" him he can't have everything without marriage. Perhaps, go stay with a friend for a week and only offer to "date" him. Oh, I don't know......you'll think of something. The bottom line is that you aren't going to be happy with the current arrangement. Either he is going to have to come around on his own or you'll need to move on.
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Old 05-19-2009, 10:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose? HELP?!?!

Well, the "piece of paper" does give you each rights in regards to the other. Love doesn't need it, but the legal profession does.
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Old 07-03-2009, 09:56 AM   #5 (permalink)
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If he won't marry you and it's that important to you, move on and find someone else.
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Old 07-03-2009, 10:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I want to be married so badly because to me marriage means being there for one another for the rest of our lives, and I want to have that promise from him that even when my hair turns grey and we're both older he'll still love me just as much as i love him.
I hate to be the one to shatter your dream. Many of us on this forum will tell you that a marriage certificate doesn't make that happen. Unfortuantely, that piece of paper doesn't seem to mean anything permnanet in our culture now.

Perhaps others can offer better advice. It seems one of you isn't going to be happy. I agree with you; if you are going to have children, marriage is important. But then he is going to feel trapped. What is his reason for not wanting to be married?
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Old 07-05-2009, 07:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Sometimes in life, the greatest gifts are unanswered prayers and in this case, him not wanting to marry...
could be your BIGGEST GIFT !!!... so just move on, stop wasting time on him.. there are millions of guys out there, one suited better for you.
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Old 08-15-2009, 10:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I can relate...my bf and I have lived together for 4 yrs know each other 5 yrs. We have been thru thick and thin together-ie his fathers death, changing jobs, moving out of state, his divorce. It wears you down. Mine at least says that he wants to marry me and tells people that we are going to get married soon and that he 'has plans' for us, I just do not know what they are!!
You are still young and need to experience life, with or without him.
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Old 08-15-2009, 10:36 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose? HELP?!?!

Darned if I'd beg any man to marry me, I want one to beg me to marry him!

He is sending you a message LOUD AND CLEAR, honey.
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Old 08-16-2009, 09:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Darned if I'd beg any man to marry me, I want one to beg me to marry him!

He is sending you a message LOUD AND CLEAR, honey.
LOL! You're funny Sandy 55.

To Waiting,

Honey, you need to keep on waiting. You're still quite young. I'm not that much older than you, we're still within the same decade, but ask yourself this, when you're 70, will it matter if you had your first kid at 25 vs. 29?

Live fully, love fully, everything will fall into place... Also, take time to experiment if you two want before you fully commit...Make these mistakes during your early 20's instead of when you're in your mid 30/40's with 2-3 kids lives at stake...

A
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Old 08-17-2009, 09:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose? HELP?!?!

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Last year in the fall i told him that by the fall of this year i wanted to be engaged or i was moving out. I held to it until just about two weeks ago when i told him that I only wanted to be with him and that marriage wouldn't mean anything to me if it wasn't him i was saying the vows to. He was very happy to be let out of the ultimatum.
You just taught him that he never needs to marry you to have you stay with him.
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Old 08-22-2009, 09:41 AM   #12 (permalink)
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You just taught him that he never needs to marry you to have you stay with him.

yep...
wouldn't be me holding my breath for some man...
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Old 08-22-2009, 01:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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LOL! will it matter if you had your first kid at 25 vs. 29?

Live fully, love fully, everything will fall into place... Also, take time to experiment if you two want before you fully commit...Make these mistakes during your early 20's instead of when you're in your mid 30/40's with 2-3 kids lives at stake...

A
I can relate to OP. I want my first child here hopefully in the next year. I am 20 now, and couldn't imagine waiting another 10 years to have a child. I don't want to be old when I have my kids. I want to be able to keep up with them, and just be a young mom. My mom was younger when she had me and I think that gave us a better relationship than if she would have been older. I personally want to be done having kids before I am 28. I want 4 kids, so I gotta get busy now.

It depends on the person, and I see nothing wrong with wanting kids young.
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:39 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I can relate to OP. I want my first child here hopefully in the next year. I am 20 now, and couldn't imagine waiting another 10 years to have a child. I don't want to be old when I have my kids. I want to be able to keep up with them, and just be a young mom. My mom was younger when she had me and I think that gave us a better relationship than if she would have been older. I personally want to be done having kids before I am 28. I want 4 kids, so I gotta get busy now.

It depends on the person, and I see nothing wrong with wanting kids young.

Well first of all, this is not a personal attack. I'm just a strong-headed gal and mean no disrespect here at all. But when I hear people say things like that, it drives me up the darn'd wall .

IMHO, a good mother/father is one that can provide for their children, mentally, emotionally, financially, physically. Having kids is not a RACE folks. Having children means providing stability.

I think it's selfish when individuals have children b/c of their wants and needs. Consider your unborn child first over your selfish needs of having kids like its a darn'd rat race...
"I am 20 now, and couldn't imagine waiting another 10 years to have a child."

Impatience is a virtue of immaturity and narcissism. The women I know are professionals, in their mid 20's with 8 yrs of college and post-grad behind them and stability in their future. Most have had one child in grad school and one on the way afterwards and some plan to have more. They are able to have those kids with their education behind them and stability ahead of them. LOL, what makes you think that someone in their mid 20's-early 30's can't keep up with their kids as well as someone in their early 20's-mid 20's? All one has to do is stay healthy physically and mentally.

The difference bwn them and you is life experience. Now don't get on here telling me all you need is love. When a family can't provide for their kids, it equals strain and hard times which are not fair or healthy for that child...

Be smart ladies, life and relationships are not a race, your ovaries are good until you're 45-50 with serious risk of congenital conditions at 32-35. There is time, you live once, enjoy yourself and then give unselfishly to your children/husband/family.

This comes from someone who has dealt with lots of women and teenage pregnancy. I am informed, I advise you to at least do the same, before you jump a$$ first into things...

A
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Old 09-02-2009, 08:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Hello Everyone! New to forum and need advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and living together for two. I am 21 and he is 23. We are both very mature for our age. I have been living independantly and taking care of myself since i turned 18. He has a stable job as a pipefitter in the union and I work in an accounting office and am going to school currently. Neither of us have any children or have been in any serious previous relationships. Also, his best friend just got married and had a baby in the last two years.

We both love each other very much. I have no idea what i would do without him and never want to find out. I fully intend to be with him for the rest of my life and he says he feels the same way. We have a very healthy relationship; no cheating, when we argue we never name call or anything like that and we are both very open and honest with one another. Although, I am very confused right now and have no idea what to do. Over the last year i have been thinking more and more about marriage and am more certain every day of how important it is to me and how badly i want to marry him. I was straight forward with him from the time we got together (when i was 16) and told him repeatedly that one day i wanted to be married and have a family, and he agreed and said he wanted the same thing. Children are very important to me and he knows this also, he says he wants children with me also and knows it's a deal breaker should he ever change his mind.

That being said, now that i am talking more about it and want it so badly he has told me that qoute, "Yes, one day we will get married but first i have to wrap my head around the marriage consept, I don't understand why we have to be married just because society says so, we live as if we are married now and feel as if we are married so why should we do it? Why do we need our friends and family to witness and why do we need a piece of paper to make it official?"

I want to have my first child when I am between 23-25. I understand many women are okay with being a little older when they have children and more power to them, but personally I really want to have kids soon. I also do not want to have children without being married.

I want to be married so badly because to me marriage means being there for one another for the rest of our lives, and I want to have that promise from him that even when my hair turns grey and we're both older he'll still love me just as much as i love him. I've explained this to him and he says he is thinking about it and that he thinks about it daily but i really don't think it's something he is seriously considering.

Last year in the fall i told him that by the fall of this year i wanted to be engaged or i was moving out. I held to it until just about two weeks ago when i told him that I only wanted to be with him and that marriage wouldn't mean anything to me if it wasn't him i was saying the vows to. He was very happy to be let out of the ultimatum. But i am just so confused?? I don't want to force him because i don't think he'll be happy if i do and i won't be happy about having to force him. I want him to want to do it but I don't want to wait forever. What should I do? Any advice would be helpful!

Sorry about the long post but I really need help. I feel like i'm going crazy.

Forcing anyone into something is wrong period.. the fact that you are even talk like this suggests to me , you are moving into a desperate state which is so sad, because what you and he have now is GOLDEN!! you have all the right stuff right now , a good foundation (KEY) to building and continuing a good relationship


STEP BACK........... breathe and appreciate what you have or you will just throw it out the window by your own thinking and eventually doing
enjoy what you have with him "now" your missing smelling the Roses for a future commitment


the reason you feel you are going crazy is because your compulsion to get married is hurting your relationship and i think your partner is reacting to your desperation and it is scaring him

and it should!! marriage will happen on its own love doesnt need to be forced , sometimes we have to let it bloom like a Rose when ( it) is ready the time will inform both of you together you both will just know then you can cut the Rose carry the Roses down the isle !!! ok hug
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