General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I posted this in the Ladies Lounge, but I should have just did it here. I need advice from anyone and everyone. My wife is on her way home, and I told her the dreaded, "We need to talk". I just don't know how to proceed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedingHelp
Ok long story short... I've always been leery about my relationship. My father cheated on my mother, my wife's mother cheated on her father... and we've had our ups and downs.
At one point I intercepted a message a few years ago that was from an "online friend" who wanted my wife to call him. I confronted her about it, and end of story.
Now I'm in a bind. I heard a phone ring and saw it was my wifes phone she left. The number is one that has called her phone many times (I'm confident it's a collections call or some such thing). The problem is a message I read on the phone. I know I shouldn't snoop but we don't talk as much as we should and I figured I'd find out what's been happening between her friends.
A co-worker sends her a message thanking her for going to a wine tasting. Not a big deal it's part of her job. But he ends it with, "Love ya".
Now I'm annoyed, angry, and confused. Should I be? Is that not a breach of space between a married couple?
I noticed most of her incoming messages are deleted (as of a week and beyond). Her sent messages are perfectly normal. She's never cheated on me that I know of, and I love her more than life itself.
Should I worry? If so, what should I do? My biggest fear in this world is losing her (or our son). My whole existence in this world is for them. But I can't let this slide by without mentioning. Or can I? Does it mean anything?
If it is bothering you, then I definitely feel you should bring it up rather than bottle it up. Apologize for having looked through her cell phone messages, but admit that you did see something that worries you. Use " I feel..." statements, rather than "You " statements which may make her feel and respond defensively.
Yeah... I was planning to talk to her about it but I hate myself for looking in the first place. Like I said above, it wasn't the first time. I have a SERIOUS lack of trust problem that stems from a military service where I was taunted for 2 1/2 years that my wife was cheating on me. I think at some point I finally snapped.
But with this message it just hurts me as to what it says. I don't care if she talks to guys on the phone, e-mail, etc. So long as it's strictly a friendship. I would NEVER flirt with someone, date them, kiss them, or anything else and I would expect the same from her. I'd also be rather pissed if I got a message like that sent to me and make DAMNED sure I told that person to knock that off.
But should I be worried about the context of the message sent?
Personally, I am always telling friends things like Love Ya, and I do, but not in an I love you sort of romantic sense, but she maybe needs to understand that if things like that worry you, than she needs to respect your personal boundaries and make it clear to her text message sender that it is not acceptable to speak to her like that maybe...but ask her for clarification about the situation.
Is she aware of your trust issues?
Yeah, I've tried explaining it to her but it's so hard. When I joined the military and up to the first year we were bonded. Hundreds of letters, e-mails, $'s in phone cards... etc. We were great. I think my fellow military guys found that to be my weakness and prodded me about it.
When I deployed it was a DAILY thing to rag on me about how my wife is shacked up with someone else. At first it wasn't a big deal, I knew better... but it eventually got to me and I cracked.
I had some VERY low times when I was gone that almost ended very badly for me. But I came back and have been home with her since.
Just after I got back her mother divorced her dad (not biological dad) after cheating on him with her current boyfriend. She has a lot of traits of her mother and I guess it concerned me. The same I guess could be said of my dad and I, but I despised him for what he did. My wife, she accepted her mother no matter what.
She's told me in the past that I should trust her more (when previous things have come up like that message years ago). I absolutely want to... but my fear of losing her and my son forces me to worry. I have TERRIBLE dreams about us when I sleep, and it's always on my mind. I want it to go away and I want to trust her 110%.
But, then something like this pops up and I'm trapped between the rock and a hard place. It just seems wrong (the message) to me, and it bothers me.
Ugh... why is life so damned complicated? Anyway, she'll be home in 30-60 minutes and I'm not sure how I should proceed. I told her I wanted to talk, but then I just want it to go away.
At a Loss...
