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post #1 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 12:31 AM Thread Starter
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SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

I chose to put this thread here so more people could read it and respond. When someone commits suicide, it's their close friends, family, and loved ones who suffer the most. My sister's live in boyfriend got drunk one night and shot himself in the head right in front of her. She had to hold his brains in until help arrived.

He died a few hours later and ever since then, my sister has never been the same. It's like he took the best part of her with him (empathy, kindness, truthfullness, etc.) All of her good qualiies vanished and she is now one of the most self-centered, judgemental, and angry people I have ever met.

That was five years ago, she has another live in boyfriend, but she bosses him around, is cruel to him, she has grown into a 34 year old jerk I wouldn't want to be around if she weren't my sister. It's heartbreaking since she and I were PEAS AND CARROTS as Forrest Gump would say.

She also has the feeling that No One in the world has a right to be sad or bummed about something because what she went through was much worse, so everyone else is a weak pansy. When I went into a depression due to my jobless state and H's drinking problem, she wrote me a note saying that she is ashamed of me and used to look up to me but because I buckled under the weight of depression, I am weak and she has no tolerance for wimps.

So, have any of you experience this? Has someone close to you lost someone to suicide? Did their personalities change? Did they ever get over it? If you lost someone to suicide, did it change who you were? Do people who commit suicide take those closest with them?

Thanks in advance to anyone who responds.

As I was going up the stair . . . I saw a man who wasn't there . . . he wasn't there again today . . . I wish he would go away
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post #2 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 01:52 AM
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Re: SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

Your sister lacks those exceedingly important human traits of empathy and compassion, makes me wonder if her boyfriend turned to her for help and got the same treatment as yourself. Suicides are often a protest against loved ones, the way he did it was a massive message for her that seems to have gone 100,000 feet over her head.

I hope you never have need to turn to her again and have others who will hear you out and help you if needs be. My wifeís brother took his own life, his whole family believed in bottling things up and that its weak to talk about such things. They didnít get the message either and just got even more unforgiving, bitter and resentful.
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post #3 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 02:16 AM
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Re: SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

Suicide is an entirely selfish act.

Family and close friends of a person who commits suicide have a higher chance of committing suicide themselves--it becomes an "option".

I think that your sister fears depression, as that is what preceded her boyfriend's suicide. In a roundabout way, she is trying to pull (well, bully) you out of your depression because she is in fear for your life.
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post #4 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 02:27 AM
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If your sister has been traumatized by this (which sounds accurate), she should be in some counseling.

"He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

"ďWe first crush people to the earth, & then claim the right of trampling on them forever, because they are prostrate." -Lydia Maria Child.
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post #5 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 02:56 AM
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Re: SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

I don't talk about this often, but I had an ex commit suicide right after I broke up with him. He spent a week calling and calling and calling and I avoided him like the plague. We were so young and we didn't date all that long, maybe 6 months. He'd had some issues prior to me and was taking Zoloft.

One day the calls stopped and I started receiving calls from his best friend. I ignored him, too.

It wasn't until a mutual friend went to my mom's house, found out I was at work, and visited me there to tell me the truth. My "boyfriend" had been cheating on me (the reason I broke up with him), got the other girl pregnant and killed himself.

I don't ever really think I dealt with it. I never talk about it, I don't think about it and I'd rather not remember it. When I write this it feels like I'm writing about someone else. I don't feel at all emotional about it, and that's very strange for me, because I am a very sensitive person. I do remember feeling emotional about it then, though.

I think I, too, became a b!tch afterwards. Not like how you describe your sis, but I wasn't the same. I just turned inward I guess, and I was angry. I think there are many reasons for this, not just the suicide.

A part of me always wished I could turn back time and answer the phone. I was too stubborn and too hurt then. :/
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post #6 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 03:40 AM
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Re: SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

This subject has many levels which, as you can imagine are right to each of those people. No one is going to give the "right" answer here only opinion.

It was once stated that someone who commits suicide is the bravest person. They make the biggest judgement call and then actually follow it through. Those that do take this avenue rarely confide in anyone until the last moment, then its to late. The sufferer is normally think about this for a while and the reason for doing it may not be the original trigger, some have considered it for other reasons many times before but not have followed through.

Those that do consider this acton are normally depressed. Depressed people in the main who decied they "dont want to live" actually would prefer if they just ceased to exist. Take time to watch James Stewart in "A Wonderful Life". It actually deals with the issue well. Yes they are casualties and friend/family are effected, that is natural. Many can not comprehend WHY someone would suddenly do this. Its not sudden. It, in its marjority has been considered before the event often many times. Most replying here will disagree. But if youve had the opportunity to speak to someone of a failed attempt they will tell you, I just dont want to be here, I dont want to be feeling the way I do anymore. Its this "feeling" that is the root causebecause what they are feeling is bigger to them than not existing. There is a massive difference between those that attempt suicide where they aim to be caught and/or stopped. This is the "cry for help" scenario. The most dangerous person is the planner who knows and has considered ways to do this because of past issues, they may have even started the attempt and pulled back, these people will not shout about it. In the case of this young lady. She has seen someone go though the event. It was loud and veryviolet. Many soldiers reported similar reactions having seen a friend blown up or shot. A form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. She does or should have had supportive councilling. It soulds like there could be issues still. However, if she has had this attitude prior to the event it could be that the man in question had issues with her adnd went that extra step. Note alchohol was in place just prior to the event which as we all known can make the thought processes more ineffective to rational thought. (all said IMO)
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post #7 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 05:16 AM
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Re: SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

It was once stated that someone who commits suicide is the bravest person.
I actually hold the reverse opinion. Suicide is *****ing out of problems. Unless, of course you're one of those terminal patients in a world of pain. Then i actually support the choice to off yourself.
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post #8 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 05:37 AM
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Re: SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

Originally Posted by humanbecoming View Post
I hear people say that it's a "selfish act", and when I do, I wonder if they have ever been so close to the end of their ability to cope, and felt so hollow, lost, and alone that the fear of dying is less than the pain of living?

There is no selfishness there, believe me.
I believe that a person who has lost all hope to such an extent that they'd take their own life is no longer in a 'sane' frame of mind. I don't believe that "selfishness" comes even close to what motivates such a desperate person.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #9 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 05:55 AM
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Death in general of a very close loved one could change a person.

I see this with someone I know. They lost their sister/best friend over a year ago(a car accident) and that person has not been the same since. I feel just awful and pray for their family to get through this.

Everyone grieves differently. Seeing a loved one in that manner would scar anyone for life. How traumatic. I'm very sorry your sister went through this. She definitely needs therapy to deal with this issue.
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post #10 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 06:43 AM
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Re: SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

OP, I'm wondering:-

Did your sister have grief / trauma counseling?
Was she an empathic person before her BF's suicide?

If she didn't receive counseling at the time of her BF's death, this might be something worth her considering.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #11 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 07:34 AM
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Re: SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

My second eldest child (aged 6) has a good friend at school. This friend's father killed himself after his mum told him she wanted a divorce.

When I ask about how school went, I am often told that this little boy "was crying again today." It absolutely breaks my heart to think of his pain. His older sister who is friends with my oldest (aged 8), is a lot more matter of fact. She is very much the get-on-with-it type and hasn't really showed she's upset at school. I just can't imagine what effect that will have on them as they get older.

As an aside, I have suffered terrible depression on and off for years. After having my first baby, I had really bad post-natal depression. I used to plan out what I'd do and the timing so baby wouldn't be left on their own. The sheer hopelessness of that kind of depression is something you can rarely find the words to express and I doubt people can understand if they've not "been there."

There was a case the other year here where a teenager committed suicide by jumping off a multi-storey car park. There were people gathered on the ground, telling him to "get on with it" and "stop wasting everyone's time and just do it." Yep he did it. I would waste an hour, a day, however long it took if someone felt they were THAT desperate that they wanted to end it all. Those people make me so angry...
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post #12 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 07:36 AM
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Re: SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

Originally Posted by costa200 View Post
I actually hold the reverse opinion. Suicide is *****ing out of problems. Unless, of course you're one of those terminal patients in a world of pain. Then i actually support the choice to off yourself.
I think it was Socrates who said that a man who hasnít contemplated suicide hasnít lived.

Depression and suicidal thoughts are messages that something is very wrong in a personís life. With some men it initiates an inner journey leading to big personal changes and a totally different lifestyle.

For me these things are not to be mocked or knocked, they are to be listened to, understood and acted upon. The enlightened make depression a guest at their table because it sure is knocking hard on the door with itís messages.

To have a depressed and maybe suicidal loved one is a true test of a manís empathy and compassion, creativity and inspiration. Take a look at Samaritans | Samaritans and educate yourself ďjust in caseĒ family or a friend are in need of help. If they do whatever you do donít talk to them as callously as you do in your post here.
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post #13 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 07:42 AM
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Re: SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

The comment from Pault is dead on. I have been there. The option of ending things has been an option for me since the late 1980's. There have been a few times I actually started the process and backed out at the last minute.

There were times when I shared my plans with a friend and also times where I told no-one. The times where a person shares with no-one anre the most dangerous. Those are the most serious.
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post #14 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 07:50 AM
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Re: SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

IMO most ppl who commit suicide are not thinking clearly, they have issues that go far deeper than some of us can imagine. And while I can agree it may seem like a choice, we also never truly know what a person is thinking or what exactly might be going on in the brain chemistry.

My wife had a friend who committed suicide about 5 yrs ago. She was on medication for bipolar. They had switched her medicine, it seemed to work against her. All those medicines have those potential side effects. My wifes friend told her doctor she didn't feel right on it, even told the doctor she was having those bad thoughts. The doctor told her he thought that medicine was a good medicine and needed to be on it, and give it a chance a little longer. She did, and committed suicide a few days after that.

IMO, SOMETIMES, if a medication can alter your brain function (sometime for the good sometime not) then it can have the potential to work against you or for you. In my wifes friends case, yes she was bipolar, BUT I think that medication may have played a role, so in that case It less likely to be a selfish act. To my knowledge when she was first diagnosed with bipolar, I don't think she had suicidal thoughts, but more so after she was on the medication.

"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."
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post #15 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-05-2012, 07:59 AM
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Re: SUICIDE - The Ones Left Behind

I'd say your sister is making sure she never allows herself to get close to anyone ever again and making sure no one gets close to her. She is changing her personality to isolate herself from caring and loving anyone, including you, ever again. She needs to get herself into counseling, absolutely. She is for sure suffering from post traumatic stress disorder at the very least.

Everyone who posted before me certainly have said it all but I wanted you to know that you have been heard. I am very sorry for your sister's loss of her boyfriend and I am very sorry for your loss of your once very happy sister. Because in a way you are grieving yourself over the loss of what was once your best friend. :-(

My heart goes out to you.
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